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If You Were Commander Shepard...............!!!


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#1
Gabey5

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Shepard: "EDI, whenever we orbit an unexplored planet, scan for
resources, and launch a probe at any deposit with over 500 units.
Inform me when we're out of probes."
EDI: "That's an excellent idea, Shepard."
Shepard: "Actually, belay that... I'll do it manually."
Joker: "Yeah, Commander, that's what I'm talking about! **** that AI!"
EDI: "You realize what takes you twenty minutes, I can accomplish in 0.034 sec-............."
Joker: "I love the mute button. I'll just take a nap while you're spending half the game scanning planets, Commander."

Illusive Man: "Here's four dossiers and a ship. Start building your team."
Shepard:"You gave me four dossiers, but the shuttle you supplied me can only
carry three people. I already have Miranda and Jacob. What's the point?"
Illusive Man: "We'll need their special skills."
Shepard: "Why do I need a psychopathic super-biotic, when these two already have biotics?"
Illusive Man: "Here's three more dossiers."
Shepard:"Oh, look, another touchy uber-biotic. Is this one going to detonate a
nuke when we're still in the kill zone, too? And a sniper! Hey, look,
I'm carrying a sniper rifle. So is Archangel. What are you thinking?"
Illusive Man: "Here's your DLC character. Oh, and a walking toaster, too."
Shepard: "Hello? My shuttle is still too small."
IllusiveMan: "Sometimes you go to fight the greatest threat the galaxy's ever
seen with the shuttle you have, not the shuttle you want."
Shepard:"Look, just let me go to the used ship shop on the Citadel. I'll get a
twelve passenger Volkshuttle and then we can ALL go."
Illusive Man:*drags on his cigarette* "Shepard, I couldn't give you a shuttle big
enough to carry your whole team. It might have tipped the Collectors
off."

Shepard: "I'm never drinking with the doc again... 'A
toast to Joker!' 'A toast to the Normandy!' 'A toast to random codex
entry 3351!' Everything after that is a blur..."
Grunt: "By the
fallout of Tuchanka, Battlemaster, you are stronger than you look. They
should have named you 'Grunt.' I made you space hamster and fish for
breakfast."
Shepard: "No!!! Boo!!! Why didn't you go for the eyes?!
And... my fish! Wait, what? Grunt? Where's your armor? ... Oh, hey, 10
gamer points."

Shepard: "All right, I've earned Jack's trust...
I wonder what happens now... Oh, she just put some clothes on. There's
something very wrong with this galaxy."

Shepard: "Talk dirty to me."
Tali: "I'd share my suit environment with you any time, Shepard."
Shepard: "I didn't mean literally."
Tali: "I didn't mean it literally, jerk!"
Shepard: "Oh. Whoops. Well um, you still want to hook up?"
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"

Edited by Gabey5, 10 February 2010 - 04:45 AM.


#2
Naltair

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I approve.

#3
Gabey5

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Thane: "His eyes water. He tugs at my sleeve. He asks, 'Why didn't
you stop them from letting Mommy go?' ... I'm sorry. The memories come
strong sometimes."
Shepard: "His eyes unfocus. He babbles something
about his son, completely disrupting the conversation. He cryptically
half-apologizes and expects me to figure out what's going on."
Thane:"We drell have a perfect memory. We can relive... The laser dances.
Sunset eyes meet mine. The laser dances away. 'How dare you?' her eyes
ask through the scope...."
Shepard: "Bored with the conversation, he
changes the subject. He uses poor metaphors like 'sunset eyes.' He
tries to impress me with pseudo-poetry. He fails miserably and
protests."
Thane: "Stop mocking me, Shep--- My finger tightens on
the trigger. The rifle recoils, an old friend coming home. The target
drops like a rag doll--- I can't help it and you're being a dick."
Shepard:"His stupid flashbacks thinly veil empty threats. He sits alone in life
support and wonders why no one likes him. He struggles to breathe
sometimes, but no one cares." *walks out*

Edited by Gabey5, 10 February 2010 - 04:49 AM.


#4
TeaCokeProphet

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This one chuckled. It supports this.

#5
Gabey5

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Shepard: "Ash! C'mon, we're going to save the galaxy again."
Ashley: "No way, Commander. You're working for Cerberus. I'm an Alliance soldier. It's in my blood."
Shepard:"Yeah, this place looks a lot like Eden Prime. Remember that? You were
an Alliance soldier there, too. Looks like you're two for two, Chief.
Maybe you should reflect on what's in your blood. Like your grandfather
at Shanxi. Yeah, that's right, I went there. How's that Alliance
soldier thing working out for you?"
Ashley: "Waaaaah!" *runs away crying*
Shepard: "That's why I ****ed Liara instead of you, you frigid *****!"

Shepard: "Wrex! Come help me save the galaxy!"
Wrex: "No can do, Shepard. I need to play at Krogan politcs."
Shepard: "What? Seriously, Reapers, Wrex."
Wrex: "No, I need to work on the logistics of sharing females."
Shepard: "Wrex, my man, I am all ABOUT sharing females, but... REAPERS."
Wrex: "Hunt well, Shepard."
Shepard: "Yeah, **** you too."

Shepard: "Liara! Come with me. We can stop the Reapers and save the galaxy again."
Liara: "Sorry, Shepard, I need to sift through about fifty petabytes of data to find the next link to the Shadow Broker."
Shepard:"What the ****? Seriously? How about you do that AFTER we stop the
Reapers from destroying all sentient life in the galaxy? You sifted
through empty Prothean ruins for like, sixty years. You saw the vision
from the beacons. You talked to Vigil. This is the major leagues, here,
Liara. The Shadow Broker is bush-league."
Liara: "I can't. I have to find the Shadow Broker. Can you hack into some terminals for me?"
Shepard:
"You know what? **** you and your stupid side missions. I have a
big-tittied brunette and a perky redhead who likes to talk about Freud
back on my ship."
Liara: "I need to collate this data."
Shepard: "Oh yeah? Well, you were a lousy lay, too! Freaking virgins."

Councilmembers:
"No, no, the Reapers are a myth, Sovereign was just a geth ship. Don't
bother arguing, we can't even hear you with our heads in the sand, and
simulatenously up our ***es."
Shepard: "Wait, do you not remember
the last game? Does the name 'Saren' ring a bell? I wasn't exactly
crying wolf ANY of the six times I told you that there was some serious
**** about to go down. What do I have to do, ride an Elcor around the
Presidium with a lantern and yell "The Reapers are coming! The Reapers
are coming!?"
Councilmembers: "La la la la la! We can't heeeeeear you!"
Shepard: "I should have told Joker to wait..."

Shepard: "Why are you stopping ME? I'm Commander ****ing SHEPARD."
Citadel TSA: "We check everyone. It's for security."
Shepard: "Do I LOOK like a geth?"
Citadel TSA: "Racial profiling is strictly against Citadel Security regulations."
Shepard: "So is THINKING, apparently. FYI, my shoes are staying on."

Mordin: "I am the very model of a scientist salarian!"
Shepard: "One of us has got to be on crack right now."

Edited by Gabey5, 10 February 2010 - 04:50 AM.


#6
Yorick of the Damned

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Conrad Verner: "Commander Shepard?"
Shepard: "Conrad... I am disappoint" *shoots in head. Hears cheers all around the bar*

Edited by Yorick of the Damned, 10 February 2010 - 04:50 AM.


#7
ODST 3

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Most amusing.

#8
ODST 3

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F*CK me. Double post.

"Ashley, it's been too long, baby. So what's goin on?"
"**** you Commander! You can't do any better than that?"
"I'm trying to be polite here."
"Politeness took a walk when you went to the Citadel to get your Spectre status back, recruited all these super soldiers, and joined Cerberus without even sending the love of your life and email."

Edited by ODST 3, 10 February 2010 - 04:55 AM.


#9
Gabey5

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Zaeed: "Shepard. Here for a lesson? I remember this one mission, I killed a big krogan."
Shepard:"A lesson? On Virmire, I killed about two hundred krogan and destroyed
the cure to the genophage. Oh, and about four hundred Geth. Then I
nuked the place."
Zaeed: "Don't touch that! That rifle's killed more men than the Scyllian Blitz!"
Shepard: "That'd be impressive, even for me... on a Tuesday. Morning."
Zaeed: "I remember one time this big man-eating tree tried to eat me. I tossed a grenade into its mouth!"
Shepard:"I killed a fifty-ton billion-year-old mind-controlling plant, and
absorbed the knowledge of the Protheans from one of its lackeys."
Zaeed: "Once I killed a big spider thing. It must have been ten feet tall!"
Shephard: "I freed the sole surviving Rachni queen, and then killed an entire corrupted brood of a few thousand of them."
Zaeed: "That's a model of a Turian frigate I took down. Five men, I'm the only one who survived."
Shephard: "This is a model of a Reaper. I destroyed it, saved the galaxy, and lost one soldier from my team."
Zaeed: "Once I tracked a Batarian through a jungle and killed him."
Shepard:"I tracked the Reaper and its pet indoctrinated Spectre outside the
charted systems, then crashed through a mass effect relay in an APC,
and saved every sentient being in the galaxy."
Zaeed: "Talk more later, Shepard."
Shepard: "Not likely. At least I got an art book."

Shepard: "So what... would you say... you do here?"
Kelly:"I have a degree in psychology, and I can brief you on the crew. For
example, Jack is a psychopath, and the krogan is very violent."
Shepard: "Yeah, thanks, Sherlock. What else?"
Kelly: "I um... I can tell you when someone on your crew wants to talk to you!"
Shepard: "It's not that big a ship, Kelly, and there's TEN people on the team. Keep trying."
Kelly: "I'll tell you when you get e-mail!"
Shepard:"You're standing next to my computer. The only time I'd hear you is
when I'm on my way to the computer to check my messages. I think I'm
going to have to let you g---"
Kelly: "I'll **** you."
Shepard: "Rock on."

Edited by Gabey5, 10 February 2010 - 05:28 AM.


#10
Semperus

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Miranda: "Meet me down in the Engine room in 5 minutes"

**Romance ends**

Miranda: "Wow Shepard, that was incredible"

Shepard: "Looks like the Engine..."

**Puts on Sunglasses**

Shepard: "...Just got a power boost."

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

#11
wulf3n

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Gabey5 wrote...
Tali: "Maybe later, I'm running some engine diagnostics."
Shepard: "I guess that's Quarian for 'I'm washing my hair.'"


lol,:lol: classic. she said that to me so many times :pinched:...still, its better than jack, she just tells you to **** off :o

#12
Gabey5

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Shepard: "I could help you work out some stress..."
Garrus: "How so?"
Shepard: "I could test your reach... you could test my flexibility...."
Everyone playing the game: "****!"


Shepard: "Hey, Council, I killed another Reaper."
Council: "Shepard, we already told you, the Reapers are a myth."
Shepard: "No, seriously, I did. It was through the Omega 4 relay. I just got back. It was pretty awesome."
Council: "No one can go through the Omega 4 relay and return."
Shepard: "I just did."
Council: "No you didn't."
Shepard: "I have proof! Look at... at... ah, ****."
Council: "Did you bring back the missing colonists?"
Shepard: "Um... no, they were turned into goo to make this big humanoid Reaper. Which I killed."
Council: "Yes. Of course."
Shepard:
"No, really, it was huge. And there were like, two hundred thousand
colonists in these big pod-like things. All I could save was my crew,
though. They're OK."
Council: "And all in the employ of Cerberus. Their testimony is suspect."
Shepard: "Look, I can't kill every Reaper right here at the ****ing Citadel! Look at the audio, video, and navigational logs!"
Council: "Those can be easily falsified."
Shepard: "SO CAN A ****ING MP3 FILE BUT YOU TOOK THAT AS EVIDENCE!"
Council: "It was just a big geth or something."
Shepard: *disconnects*
Anderson:
"See what I have to deal with? Thanks a lot, Shepard. 'Captain Anderson
will represent humanity!' Oughtta be representin' my retired black ass
on a beach somewhere sipping pina coladas, with some asari sugar-momma.
I knew I should have turned in my retirement papers the minute your
white *** sashayed onto the Normandy. Momma told me when I got
commissioned, 'David, you stay away from those white women,' but would
I listen?"
Shepard: "I should go."
Anderson: "Don't let the door hit you on the *** on the way out, devil-woman. Oh wait... you don't have one."

#13
Gabey5

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EDI: "Shepard, you need to get into the shuttle. Along with your entire team."

Shepard: "Look, we've been over this, it can only hold... wait, now everyone can fit in. But I've done all the missions. We can just wait here."

EDI: "No, I can't check the IFF for a while."

Shepard: "Well, I'll wait here."

EDI: "No, you should get on the shuttle. Make sure the whole team is on the shuttle, and leave."

Shepard: "We're in deep space, EDI, the only thing around is the Geth station that just put out petawatts of EMP, and that's about 20 light-minutes behind us. Where could we go in the shuttle?"

EDI: "Shepard, you need to get in the shuttle. With your whole team."

Shepard: "Well I guess we can go play Uno or something. I'm glad this isn't suspicious at all. OK team, into the shuttle! Yeah, we can all fit, it's amazing, just get in, we're going far enough away that we're out of real-time communications range and then we're going to... sit there, I guess."

Joker: "****."


#14
Gabey5

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Shepard: "What about my old team?"
Illusive Man: "They have other things to do."
Shepard: "What about Ashley?"
IM: "She's still with the Alliance. Promoted."
Shepard: "Wrex?"
IM: "He's trying to unite the Krogan clans."
Shepard: "Garrus?"
IM: "Probably failing epicly at his next venture."
Shepard: "Liara?"
IM: "She's on Illium, handing out stupid side quests."
Shepard: "Kaidan Alenko?"
IM: "He died defending the nuke on Virmire. Are you sure you're memory's all right?"
Shepard: "****in' sweet. What? Oh, yeah, my memory's fine. I just wanted some good news for a change."

Edited by Gabey5, 10 February 2010 - 05:28 AM.


#15
mjwoltsknar

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Shepard: "Ash, I'm not working for Cerberus. I'm trying to save the colonies and stop the Reapers. Won't you listen to reason?"

Ashley: "I think you've abandoned reason the moment you began to work with Cerber-"

Shepard: "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions."

#16
Gabey5

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Mordin: "Maelon. Curing genophage? Must kill." *BLAM*

Shepard: "Good job. What should we do with the data?"

Mordin: "Should destroy it."

Grunt: *oblivious; picks nose*

Shepard: "Yes. The krogan are too dangerous. Destroy the data so the women keep giving birth to dead children, and the krogan keep killing each other over the few breeding females."

Mordin: "Done. Krogan will continue to exist in hopeless barbarism and despair."

Grunt: *continues to pick nose*

---

#17
jimmyjoefro

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Lol this is pretty funny stuff.

#18
ODST 3

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S: "Liara, if you know the kind of odds I'm against then you know I could use your help."



L: "Sorry Shepard. I'm after the Shadow Broker!"



S: "Yeah, and if I don't stop the Reapers, you and the Shadow Broker will be incinerated."



L: "I must make him pay for what he's done. He will suffer at my biotic hands!"



S: "Yes, that's likely, considering you desperately needed me to hack a few terminals like an errand boy and couldn't even detect his inside man sitting outside your office door."



L: "..."

#19
Gabey5

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Garrus: "I'm not what you'd call a good Turian. First I left the
military, because when a good Turian hears a bad order, he follows it!
And that ain't me! Then I joined C-Sec. But I couldn't deal with the
red tape, man! I gotta do things MY way! Then we went after that
salarian doctor. I was going to kill him! But then you convinced me to
turn him into the authorities. Then... you died... and I started a
vigilante group! Yeah! I AM the law! But then Sidonis said "Hey Garrus
meet me way over on the other side of Omega, I have to tell you
something, I got a job" and I said OK! Because telling him to come back
to base, or tell me over the radio, or taking my team with me to a job
would have been... um... well anyway, my whole team got killed, and I
was trapped, but you saved me! Then I was going to KILL Sidonis for
what he did, and you convinced me not to."

Shepard: "Wow, Garrus, it
really sounds like you're made of fail. I mean, seriously, everything
you've done, you've made a royal ****-up of. And everything you take a
stand on, I've just told you to do something else, and you've done it,
and thanked me for it. I hope I don't die after this mission. I'd hate
to see how you handle being on your own again, without me to dictate
your actions and morals to you."

#20
WilliamShatner

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You actually make a damn good point.



TIM says we're recruiting them for their skills, but the only skills really required is the tech specialist for the vents, the leader to lead the diversion team and the biotic for the shield.



How did TIM know we were going to need any of them?

#21
Semperus

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Wrex: "Shepard"

Shepard: "Wrex"

Grunt: "Wrex"

Wrex: "Grunt"

Shepard: "Grunt"

Grunt: "Shepard"

Shepard: "Wrex"

Wrex: "Shepard"

Grunt: "Wrex"
...........

Edited by Semperus, 10 February 2010 - 05:05 AM.


#22
Gabey5

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Jack: *click* *clack* *click* *clack* *pushes button*

Shepard: *bangs on wall*

Nuke: KABLOOEY

Shepard: "Get the **** out."

Jack: "What? We're ten thousand feet off the ground!"

Shepard: "Yeah, and you almost nuked me. The deal was, you watch from orbit... not in the rear view mirrors." *SHOVE*





Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"

Shepard: "Yeah, Grunt, we know. It's kind of hard to miss. Stop yelling from behind cover, it helps the enemy find us."

Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"

Shepard: "DUDE seriously. You don't need to yell that every time you kill a drone."

Grunt: "I! AM! KROGAN!"

Shepard: "I! AM! HUMAN!"

Garrus: "I! AM! TURIAN!"

Mordin: "SALARIAN!"

Jacob: "I! AM! ALSO! HUMAN!"

Legion: "We. Are. Geth."

Shepard: "See how freakin' annoying that is?!"




#23
Gabey5

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Shepard: "There's two ways down, express and coach."

Merc: "I got nothing more to say to you..."

RED STAR FLASHY

RIGHT TRIGGER

*shove* *bounce*

Shepard: "How about goodb---"

Merc: "Ow! Hey! What the hell, man?"

*shove* *bounce*

Shepard: "How ab---"

Merc: "Ow! Dude, this is the 22nd century. Windows don't have 'glass' anymore. It's a transparent composite. The asari invented it when we were still living in trees. Nice try, but epic fail."

Shepard: "Man, that would have been so cool, too. Oh well." *BLAM* *thud*

#24
jimmyjoefro

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Where are you getting these? lmao

#25
Yorick of the Damned

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jimmyjoefro wrote...

Where are you getting these? lmao


The depths of our imaginations