unstressful free games we could play: tf2

i dont have new consoles either so yeah pc

the martells are the coolest house

the demo was p cool

stop shoving your heterosexuality down our throats! 

scribbbbles

more likely they give it a pass bc they enjoy the rest of the show too much

i know a lot of those

it's the fingers isn't it moss

life is bad

the only thing i've read from that is the analects 

got one of the barnes and noble classics editions with several of the great chinese texts bundled together. 

dao de jing

Analects

The Great Learning

The Art of War

Doctrine of the Mean

Mengzi

 

I have read some of these before, in other translations, but am excited to read the great learning and the doctrine of the mean, which I haven't

 

but I will admit that I got it largely because of how pretty it is. 

 

i need this

lmfao

not Caucasian 

i'm rereading malcolm x's autobiography.  i'd thumbed through it for a class a couple years ago so i'm picking up lots i missed out on.  one of those books everyone should read in their lifetime imo

i'm moving to st louis in late august.  i'll only visit with this one once more before i move.  i just can't get over how dismissive she's been over my case just because i really want to stay away from medications that build up in your system.  antidepressants have done nothing for me.  that does not mean try more!

also, i've been worried about how much sleep i require to feel like happy and functional and stuff.  it's usually 9-12 hours and if i don't get it my days are all fucked up.  i'm always tired.  i'm on adderall now for i guess...it's been a week now?  i worked 10 hours, took my 2nd dose for the day, read for a half hour, and...fell to sleep.  i fell asleep on an amphetamine.

i've been working a lot more than i'm used to and PTSD causes a lot of problems that i'm not very aware of.  my therapist never really discussed the nature of PTSD with me and mine obviously differs from survivors of one incident versus my case, which is continued exposure to the same high stress, traumatizing situations for 18 years of my life. not uh...really sure what that did to me.  she probably isn't either, which is why she's focusing on thought reframing as opposed to really addressing my complaints about fatigue symptoms and not wanting to do anything ever.  i kind of suspect i'm slightly agoraphobic?  egh, i'm just gonna turn a new leaf when i move to stl.  the quality of care there should be significantly better anyway considering how many more options there will be.

anyway, i'm hoping all of this tiredness is just me needing to build up endurance to suddenly working 40 hrs per week with no build up versus the 10-15 i'd been on before.  maybe i just need an adjustment period.  i was still always tired, but i'd still find time to hang out with friends.  probably just because i had more of it.

i love space stations i dock at those frequently

ah, race theory and fedoras, how i missed the scent

his hair...i...

well,

jason segel dropped a bunch of weight when How I Met Your Mother started winding down, and it looks really weird

 

 

who are you

furthermore, r u ok jason segal

is it drogs

mash hana raddy ilu guys sm

my psychiatrist is a literal piece of poop

she's always been extremely condescending toward me about my decision to discontinue using antidepressants, but today she kind of took it to a new level for me.  i've had this appointment planned since the last one i went to a couple months ago, and she was the one who suggested that i make it -- because she strongly felt that i had ADHD and because i'd still not had my appointment for diagnostic testing at the kingsley center, she sent me out with a couple month's supply of strattera sample packs and told me that the next appointment she'd look over my test results and go over my treatment options then.

so this morning was my appointment.  she was the one who picked this date and time.  when she called me into her office, before i even sat down, she said to me, "i didn't expect to see you back here anytime soon.  i thought you'd decided to go off of your medications and call it quits with treatment."

1) if that were the case, why are you acting like an ******* about it if i came back to you seeking antidepressants WHEN THAT'S WHAT YOU KEEP TRYING TO FORCE ME TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE and,

2) why the **** WOULDN'T YOU REMEMBER THE **** YOU DISCUSS WITH YOUR OWN CLIENTS YOU UNPROFESSIONAL WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING

so i just said, "no...did you not get my ADHD diagnosis?  i authorized you to read the report at the kingsley center and they should have sent you the results before i even had them."

so she looks in my file on her computer and the results aren't there, goes out and tries to find a hard copy and there is none

APPARENTLY MY MENTAL HEALTH DOES NOT MATTER TO THIS PERSON I AM THROWING MY MONEY AT

does not even apologize for not having this, even though months have gone by and it was her responsibility to keep up with my case

then says to me

"so have you considered taking prozac?"

no, no SSRIs, i am not interested

"what are your issues with SSRIs?"

we've gone over this.  weight gain, sexual side effects, complete loss of personality, numbness, lethargy, no motivation --

"oh, sexual side effects?  have you heard of viibryd?"

yes, you put me on viibryd 3 months ago and it was terrible and my insurance refused to pay for it.  we talked about that already.

"well, i don't like to see you suicidal over a wedding."

yeah, you're oversimplifying things.  i was afraid i'd be suicidal after having to see my mom and sister again and chose not to go.  it wasn't over a wedding.

"hm.  well, i'm trying to figure out what does of adderall to give you."

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A SCHEDULE 1 DRUG EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE MY REPORT FILED?

UGH

I HATE THIS PLACE

I HATE SPRINGFIELD

she gave me a 2 month's supply and i have to go back again august 7 to get more and see if the dose was okay.  i bet she is going to shove antidepressants on me again and forget why i'm ****** there.

welp, i'm off to chicago!!  i am very terrified of being pulled over by police along the way, but that's mostly irrational and the result of my car being searched by drug dogs last summer while being detained, so i will take deep breaths and be ok!  took a xanax, drank lots of water, nourished my body, checked everything off my list -- i should be okay!

i may not be able to check in with you guys until sunday, so until then -- i'll miss youuuu!!  i should have facebook access and raddy and i text every day so you guys will know when i make it safe.

i bet iron bull is limited to humans and qunari 

oh man, i'm so glad you found a good match up for your psychological stuff.  it's also really fortunate nz is helping you through all of this.  if only the u.s. were so just.  i'm pretty in debt to burrell behavioral health and cox, but i don't guess it matters.  i'm so glad you're gonna have some support to help you in coping and getting through this.  i'd guess the recovery statistics are skewed by people who've been continually forced into high stress, exhausting situations in order to make it or who weren't able to have much access to assistance. 

man, all of that is so brutal.  it's so ridiculous the things we've gone through and are continuing to push through, but i'm so happy we're still here and that we're both nurturing ourselves.

lots of yoga is very hard, but if it's something you enjoy, i bet you could find some stretching poses that aren't too fatiguing.  maybe there's a list of light yoga, or yoga for people with disabilities?  

i'm typically very tired all of the time, but i'm hoping once i'm on stimulants i'll have some help with that and will be able to focus more and perform my job better and still have the energy for other things.