2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
My girlfriend just broke up with me...
Débuté par
Skynet877
, mars 28 2010 01:49
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#227
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:32
GreedIsNoException
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Lol, this reminds me of yesterday.Captain Cornhole wrote...
Don't worry I would'nt try anything with her. 19 btw. Im not a disgusting pervert, I have morals too (although they might be significantly lower then what some might expect) That was a joke.
The chick im hitting on is 17ish, she is hawt. She likes learning history, dancing (blagh!) and playing a musical instrament.
Morals morals morals, they stop you from awesome things!
But I'm apparently the only guy that is hitting in an older girl? (only a year but blah....)
@randumb - No remember "teen years"
Modifié par GreedIsNoException, 29 mars 2010 - 01:33 .
#228
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:34
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Thats the way to do it go for the older ones, you playa! The upside is they will die before you do, then you can pull off a "Ana Nicole Smith".
#229
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:36
GreedIsNoException
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... a year dude... but in teen years that's a decade man!Captain Cornhole wrote...
Thats the way to do it go for the older ones, you playa! The upside is they will die before you do, then you can pull off a "Ana Nicole Smith".
Doubt it. She seems like the type that'd sacrifices people to live forever for some reason...
#230
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:37
serjwolf
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randumb vanguard wrote...
ACTUALL SERIOUS ADVICE!!!!!
Just try not to socialize with woman. like ever.
who here agrees!!
gay people
#231
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:40
Surango
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randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
Modifié par Surango, 29 mars 2010 - 01:40 .
#232
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:40
GreedIsNoException
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homophobic bastardserjwolf wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
ACTUALL SERIOUS ADVICE!!!!!
Just try not to socialize with woman. like ever.
who here agrees!!
gay people
#233
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:41
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AM NOT!!!serjwolf wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
ACTUALL SERIOUS ADVICE!!!!!
Just try not to socialize with woman. like ever.
who here agrees!!
gay people
#234
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:41
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
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Surango wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
For some reason there is a double standard for married couples.
#235
Guest_randumb vanguard_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:42
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that is not good...Surango wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
#236
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:42
GreedIsNoException
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.... not if he's still married... if there's a divorce in the middle... I might consider him a perv.... unless they were never married which makes me consider saying "Have you ever considered he forcibly pedo-bear'ed your mom?"Surango wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
#237
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:45
Surango
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GreedIsNoException wrote...
.... not if he's still married... if there's a divorce in the middle... I might consider him a perv.... unless they were never married which makes me consider saying "Have you ever considered he forcibly pedo-bear'ed your mom?"Surango wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
There was a divorce in the middle. But if I even thought what you just said about pedo bearing, I'd kill the old bastard myself.
#238
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:46
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Hey anyone want to read a short sucide mission fanfic im working on???
#239
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:47
GreedIsNoException
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Sure Cornhole I'd love to tear you a new... ugh... thinger mech riding .. a ... I'm... just show it
#240
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:48
GreedIsNoException
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Then nothing to fear.Surango wrote...
GreedIsNoException wrote...
.... not if he's still married... if there's a divorce in the middle... I might consider him a perv.... unless they were never married which makes me consider saying "Have you ever considered he forcibly pedo-bear'ed your mom?"Surango wrote...
randumb vanguard wrote...
2 year difference? that is not bad at all.
By these standards, my dad's a disgusting pervert. He's 12 years onler than my mother. Not that you'd be wrong, but eh.
There was a divorce in the middle. But if I even thought what you just said about pedo bearing, I'd kill the old bastard myself.
#241
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:49
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Mass Effect: Suicide Mission, the true story.
Part One. The meeting
Commander Shepard, most renegade/meanest former Spectre in the Galaxy had gathered his team. He had their loyalty. EDI, had the Reaper IFF. The Collectors had his crew. Harbinger would'nt wait to finish it's evil plans. Time was of the essence. And Joker was still in the restroom.(Legion is actually Blinky, just a nickname)
Shepard was giveing a pep talk to his crew...
Shepard: ...And remember if any of you die, I will loot you body, picking your pockets for all valueables.
Blinky: Shepard, Commander?
Shepard: Shut this thing up! I don't have time for talking toasters! Where is my TOSTER STROODLE!
A big tear swelled up in blinky's flashlight eye, it curled up into a ball and began to cry. Jacob patted Blinky's back.
Jacob: There, there. It's ok. He did'nt mean it like that.
Shepard: YES I DID!
With that Blinky ran out of the room in tears.
Jacob: See, you hurt it's feelings.
Thane: What are feelings? But the outer chemical ballance of communication. The soul needs no form to communicate, it's essence fills the arua of waves of the goddess of the hunt. Mearly the body is seperate from the soul, a tool if you will. Emotions are souley a ruse, a tool. If I killed you now would it not be for the body that tools are the characterisms of Emotions...
Shepard: Thane...
Thane: ...In light of all revolations, they only apply to the body. The soul need not recieve any, for lack of ethical substence....
Shepard: Thane...Thane...SHUT UP!
Thane:...And in emotions she endowed me. A feeling of no soul natue, love! The bodies arura is apart one of a kind. Vibes around me flow in tribal essence of feelings. Geth have no feelings, only soul! A separtation is eternal...
Shepard: QUIET! LISTEN! I'm going to cut your balls of and sell em to a Krogen! Most likely Grunt!
Grunt: Yeah a early birthday.
Tali: We don't have time to dealwith a overly sensitive geth, that thing begins to cry at every insult you throw at it.
Shepard: Tali, your right. I'm might put my life in the hands of a Austrialian Crocodile Wrestler, a Psycho Transvestite, a Racially Insensitive Black guy, a Turian who got his team killed, a Astro-Skank, a Hippie Assassin, a Salarian who sings in operas, a pair of talking Hips, a Asari SuperModel with a brick chin, a Blood Thursty Canablistic Krogan. But I'm sure as hell not placeing my life in the hands of a highly advanced AI construct that crys me a river. THROW IT OUT THE AIR LOCK.
Samara: But Shepard?
Shepard: No, buts!
Jacob: *sticking his tounge out and grunting* Yeah Samara, Shepard is right. No butts.
Shepard: Meeting dismissed! I need to find Joker. He has been in the restroom for hours!
Tali: But Shepard, I'm extreamly horny.
Shepard: It can wait!
Everyone filed out single file, like 2nd graders. Shepard began to look for Joker. He searched here, he searched there, he searched for Joker everywhere. Until it came to him.
EDI: Shepard, the Men's restroom is on the port side of the ship.
Part Two. Fun in the Restroom
Shepard: OH MY GODS!
Two squadmembers where haveing fun.
Shepard: Grunt.....Garrus......
Garrus: It is a totally straight "Bro-mance" it's not what you think.
Grunt: *something in mouth* Garrus, let me relieve some of that tension with hardcore violence.
Garrus: He has reach, but i have flexibility.
Grunt was being strattled by Garrus over the toilet. Grunt let out moans and groans, while he groaped and tickled Garrus.
Shepard: I'm not paying you to make love. Do it on your own time.
Garrus: Its a "bromance".
Shepard left the restroom as Miranda exited her stall.
Miranda: Bloody Hell?!?
Grunt: You know breasts like those sunk the Bismark.
Over on the portside of the ship...
Joker: Help! Help me! It's HUGE!
Shepard storms in.
Shepard: I'm here to help, whats the matter Joker?
Joker: It won't leave the body!
Shepard: Push harder.
Joker: I can't, ive already broke my pelvis.
Shepard: Quickly, spread your legs. We are going to have to irrigate your bowls. EDI get me the pressure washer.
Joker: Pressure washer?
Shepard: 1600 Newtons of force. I won't lie, after this you can't have anal sex for the next two months.
Joker: Releaseing Direct Control!
Shepard: Son of a *****!
Fecal matter gushed out of Joker, down his legs and all over the floor and Shepard's nice dress shoes.
Shepard: If you get us through this mission alive I just might forgive you.
Part Three. Caught In The Act
Shepard was waiting in his room, while the ship (piloted by a now clean Joker) wooshed towards the Omega 4 Relay. The Geth had been airlocked, Grunt and Garrus where making love, and Shepard forgot to feed his fish. The Commander was actually at his Omni-PC browseing the Extranet.
Shepard: *hand in slideing motion* Yesss. Ugh! No! ARH! Yesss! Don't stop baby!
The elevator door opened and Tali Zorah Vas Normandy was standing waiting for Shepard.
Shepard: Ohh! Yeah baby! Assume Direct Control of my CROTCH! OH YEAH!!! Yes. Preserve my body if possible! OH YEAH BABY!!! THIS HURTS ME!!!
Tali: So, Ive taken some antibiotics as well as some herbal supplements that should... Shepard?
Shepard abruptly turns his head around with a suprised expression.
Shepard: Well I'm not ma********ing! If thats what you think!
Tali: That is exactly what I think.
Shepard: It's is'nt how it looks, though. It's a human thing,we do it on stressful occasions. You quarians would'nt understand.
Tali: But I thought, we where going to release stress together?
Shepard: Say no more. *Lieing* I was only getting warmed up for you.
Tali: Good, if this was back on the Flotila it would be considered a capital offence, punishable by a serility vaccine, it's addopted off the genophage. It removes all sexual feelings as well. We can't afford your luxuries and... Keelah!
Our those "My Little Ponies"?
The taking HIPS pointed to Shepard's Omni PC, on the monitor was a "My little Pony" porn site.
Shepard: Hey it's a turn on!
Tali: And if this was on the Flotila, you would be chemically castrated. And those who are, don't have a very high servival rate.
Shepard: Really? Is that how your father died?
Tali: *slap* Thats off limits. I'm just really nervous about this.
Shepard: Come here you don't have to be.
Tali: It's a defence mechanisim and it's stupid and...*shepard takes off her mask* What is that?
Shepard: My third leg. ;-)
Tali strapped the Commander to his bed for the up comeing kinky bondage scene and pounced ontop of him. As the two made love, a certain Geth was watching through the observation roof. Blinky had servived and strapped it's self aboard the outerhall. It watched with envy and angry face towards Shepard, because he had it's woman. Blinky lusted for Tali Zorah Vas Normandy, Blinky planed for love and REVENGE.
Down in the cargobay...
Zaeed: WELCOME TO MY CROCIDILE WRASTLEING FARM!!!
Everything was cleared out of the room besides a ring a waste high barriers where they clustered around. Inside was a crocodile.
Mordin:RequestReasonForBeingDownHereThisDoesn'tLookRightWhatIsHappeningIRecordShepardWhenHeShowers.
Thane: This looks supremely unethical, its like my soul, I feel everything in this room, and it hurts, the very existence of this threatens to tear apart the moral bindings of what we call civilization, though quandaries such as what is right and wrong can also be solved by death, thus the need for....
Zaed: Quit yah blabbering, its time for some WRASTLING!
Zaeed grabs Thane and throws him in with the crocodile.
Mordin: SuggestDifferentEntertainment.LooksDangerous.
Zaeed: Grow a pair why don't yah, he can take it.
Thane: AAAAHHHHHHH SAVE ME ARASHA!!!!
Mordin:OhDearThereGoesHisLeg
Thane: No! I need that!
Zaeed:
Mordin: ....OhThereGoesHisArm....
Mordin and Zaeed watched with glees as Thane was almost torn apart, but they remembered that they needed him for the suicide mission, then Zaeed shot the crocodile and they put Thane in a wheelchair, putting paper bags over the lost limbs and hoping Shepard wouldn't notice.
Modifié par Captain Cornhole, 29 mars 2010 - 01:53 .
#242
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:51
The Grey Spectre
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-PG-Skyre wrote...
Why hasnt someone killed this thread yet? id have done it if i could o_O but then, i fear Woo too much to do his job for him >.> <.<
Yeah that's right more lotr, lol
#243
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:53
GreedIsNoException
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MAN you will not imagine the lols that provided me
#244
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:54
GreedIsNoException
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This has also given me some lols but not as powerful as that wallThe Grey Spectre wrote...
-PG-Skyre wrote...
Why hasnt someone killed this thread yet? id have done it if i could o_O but then, i fear Woo too much to do his job for him >.> <.<
Yeah that's right more lotr, lol
So that's where the trolls and Woo went
#245
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:58
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
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I have more!
#246
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 01:59
GreedIsNoException
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THEN POST IT BY ALL MEANS!Captain Cornhole wrote...
I have more!
It was pure laughs, hope you got it saved
#247
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 02:03
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
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Part Four. AHHH!
EDI: Incomeing telegram from The Illusive Man.
The Telegraph machine started beeping away with lots of short blips on long beeps.
Tali: Keelah, just ignore it and come back to bed with me.
Shepard: Ugh! Hold on Tali.
Shepard got out of bed to read the message.
Shepard: But this is in Moarse Code?!?!? The Hell? EDI, translate.
EDI: It reads as followed: Shepard, I wish I had more information for you. I don't like you heading through that relay blind, but we don't have much choice. Despite the danger it's a great opportunity, you will be the first Humen to take a ship through and servive. Since you arn't takeing this in the comms room, I just wanted you to know I appreciate the risk your takeing. You might not be comeing back, so I wanted to get this off my chest. Back in High School, I cheated off your for our AP calculus exam. Also I rigged the ASB ellection In my favor, and screwed your girlfriend before Senior Prom. Thought you should know that, BYE!
Shepard: That Son of a ****!
Tali: What?
Shepard: He ruined my High School Prom and...
Joker: *over comms* Commander! You better get up here!
The commander ran off towards the elevator.
Tali: But ShepDawg, your clothes!
The Normandy approched the Omega 4 Relay...
Joker: Commander! You better get up here! Like NOW!
Shepard ran quickly out of his elevator to the cockpit.
Shepard: What is it, Joker?
Joker: Approching Omega 4 Relay, standby.
EDI: Reaper IFF online.
Shepard: Lets make it happen.
Joker turned around and embraced the sight of his captain.
Joker: Uh, commander, did you forget something?
Shepard: No....I don't think so....?
Joker points downward
Shepard: HOLY UDINA"S SCABIES!!!!
Shepard was naked, the whole crew was LOL'ing and PeeWee laughing at him as he tried to hide behind joker's chair. Tali ran up to them, sneezing and coughing and carrying shepard's clothes.
Tali: *stuffed up* Shepard, you've forgot your clothes!
Shepard: Quick, into the airlock!
Joker: TOOOO LATE!!!!
The Normandy entered the Relay, the ship shook and rattled, the G's pushed everyone against the wall. Veiwing through the cockpit, space and matter wooshed by at light speed, and shot the ship at fast awesome speed to the Galatic Core.
Tali: *sniff* What's going on? AHH!!
Joker: Commander, Im not sure how but I think I crapped your pants.... AHH!!
Shepard: MY PANTS? AHH!!!
Miranda: What are you talking about! And why are you nude? And why dose Tali have your clothes? And why dose Joker smell? And where are we going? Do you think im hott? Do you have any lip balm? AAHHHHHH!!!!
Shepard: Joker wearing my pants?; That's none of your biznezz; Because we was having a costume party; Ask joker; Finland; YES *Tali Slap*; And oh sure I have some lip balm in my pocket. AAAAHH!!!!!
Miranda: Joker why do you smell so bad? AHHHH!!!
Joker: AHHHHHH!!!!! What smell? AHHHHHH!!!!! We have exited the RELAY!!! *guilty look*
The Normandy exited the relay. Giant chunks of space debirs floated in front of them. And the space was EVIL with BLOOD COLORS.
Joker: AHHHHHH LOOK OUT!!!
Joker swifty turned the ship to avoid a crash; knocking Tali off her feet and into the waiting arms of Commander Shepard. They both blushed, but Miranda was like GRRRR! Pilot Joker brought the ship out of the debirs field where they got a better view of the wreckage.
Joker: This must be all the ships that tried to make it though the Omega 4 Relay. Some look ancient. It looks like...
Shepard: WOAH, it looks, it looks, it looks like my arteries before they got flushed.
Tali: Ewww...
Part Five. Strategic Decisions
The Normandy SR2 floated above the debris field, on the far side was the Collector Base.
EDI: I have detected and energy signiture beyond the edge of the accretion disk.
Shepard: It has to be the Collector Base.
Tali: Keelah, it's huge.
Shepard: Ha Ha, thats what she said.
Miranda: Commander, we have no time for this!
Shepard: Your right! Joker, get someone up here to get me dressed!
Joker: Aye Aye sir!
EDI: Commander Shepard, the Collector Base is located on the far side of the debris field, I sugest we...
Shepard: RAMMING SPEED!!!
Miranda: Bloody hell Shepard? Are you trying to get us all killed?
Shepard: That is the plan! *evil laugh* Mah ha ha ha!
Thane wheeled up in his wheel chair, with Shepard's N7 armor.
Shepard: Hey you look different, did something very tragic happen to you? Wait don't tell me, you got a haircut.
Thane: What? *facepalm* Nevermind, as an assassin I do many dangerous things in my bodily of essence. But are you insane?
Shepard: *as Thane dresses him* Insane? Ha ha ha! That's what the Turian CouncilMan said about the Rachni! Look how that ended up?
Miranda: Exactly, the Rachni are now a threat!
Shepard: Wrong answer! The Turian Councilman is now DEAD! That's how it ended up.
Thane: *facepalm*
Shepard: Take us into the debris field! Sublight engines at full, prepare for impact!
Joker took the Normandy back into the field, and prepared to RAM the Collector Base!
EDI: We are picking up really cute red eyelids giving chase!
Indeed EDI was right, really cute red eyelids had given chase. They shot really cute lazers at the Normandy. They beeped and made chirpy noises at the Normandy. They was called Occuli or Occulus in single terms.
Joker: We won't last long! I'm going to have to loose them.
Shepard: NO! Full SPEED AHEAD!!!
The Occuli shot again! But Joker, against Shepard's orders turned the ship around and shot back blowing up a few. But like a plane and a flock of birds, Joker hit one and it got sucked into the engine and then into the cargo bay.
EDI: We have..
Shepard: GOD! I KNOW! And yes Joker I will take a team to take care of it. *too self who should go with me* Tali Zorah Vas Normandy, I choose you! Samara, I choose you!
Joker: No it's not that. I need to warn you about...
Shepard: Tell me later!
The suited up Commander Shepard took Tali and Samara down to the cargo bay. There was an obvious hole in the side, but no Occulus.
Shepard: What a mess, I never knew the cargo bay was kept in such poor upkeep. I'm goign to have to talk to Zaeed. humph!
They spread out to find it.
Samara: I don't get it.
Tali: Behind you!
There it was right behind Samara!
Tali: BRING IT DOWN!
Shepard: Wait it's so cute! Awwwwww.
Then lazer fire hit Shepard in the chest sending him flying into a crate.
Shepard: Me is angry!
The squadfired at it, emptying lots of clips. When it took a hit it chirped really cute and cuddlyness.
Shepard: STOP YOUR HURTING IT!
Samara: But Shepard!
Shepard: Your hurting it! It only wants to be loved and have feelings like us organics do.
Tali: It's just a machine. It has no feelings.
Shepard: I will proove it!
The commander threw his gun aside and came out from behind his cover; approching the Occulus.
Shepard: Come here you. Come here. It's ok. Don't be shy. *opening his arms for a hug*
Tali: *facepalm*
Shepard: It's ok, do you know why Joker was shooting at you? It's because he is JELEOUS! That's right, he knows that you are cuter and more handsome then he is. All you need is for some one to love you, right? Is that it? How about a hug? What do you say?
The Occulus looked at Shepard and left out one of the many holes in the hull.
Shepard: *shruggs* What an ass.
The ship took another hit, the resulting explosion rocked the ship; to compensate Joker began cutting off power to non-critical systems. Such as kenetic barriers to holding cells in the cago hold.
???: GROWL/RAWR!!
Samara: What was that? It could'nt be that thing again.
Tali: Again behind you!
Samara turned around as dozens of crocidiles crawled out of their cells! They was hungry for Asari flesh, which made them dangerous. What made them even more dangerous was that they where trained professional wrestlers!
Part Six. Ramming Speed
Shepard: Jesus Christo el crocidilio!
Crocidilio: Hand over the Dimond Italian Spiderman! RAWR!
Shepard leaped on to the crocidilio and strangled it with his telephone, Tali and her drone where zapping crocidilios left and right and left again. But oh no! A crocidilio had Samara in a tripple reverse Krogan body pincermove.
Crocidilio: RAWR!!!
Tali: Stay strong, Samara we will be right with you!
Shepard: No we won't their professional wrestlers, I'm not wasteing my life on a fellow crewmember!
Then crocidilios pinned down Tali, leaveing Commander Shepard cornered. Until there was a huge explosion! The befriended Occulus was back, it zapped the crocidilios with it's laser. But it was too late. Samara was dead.
Tali: She deserves a proper burial.
Shepard: Burial? She undermined the mission ever since we picked her up on Illum, like hell she deserves one! Where was she when I needed help? At least Occulus here came back for me did'nt you? That's right, yes you did, yes you did.
The Occulus squeeked with joy and cute cuddleness.
Tali: Should we name it?
Shepard: We will call it Blinky V.2 after that no good Geth that whined alot!
And with that they departed to the bridge. When they got up there Joker was escapeing the last of the Occuli.
Shepard: What's the situation!
Joker: Hold tight Commander we are about ready to loose them by wedgeing our ship between this narrow hole, that we probably won't be able to fit through.
Shepard: Do it, I always liked putting my crew in needless danger.
The Normandy wooshed through the tiny gap in the debris field, effectively squishing the other Occuli. But not with out consequences. A impact caused a power surge throughout the ship, overchargeing Jacob's brownie mixer. He subsequently lost his index finger.
Jacob: AAHHHH!!!
Garrus: Shhh! I'm reading!
On the bridge.
Joker: Were clear....and what the hell is that thing doing here?
The Blinky V.2 played mechanical chirps and buzzes of enjoyment. Shepard then gave it a big hug, to show is admoration for his new pet.
Shepard: It saved my life and that's all YOU need to know, Tali was wittness. She can back me up.
Tali: *not paying attention* What?
Joker: Hump! Well I guess Samara would have to be a witness to?
Shepard: She did'nt make it. *evil grin*
Joker: I never liked her anywayz. About your "friend"....
EDI: Commander Shepard, I strongly recomend against bringing a foriegn construct aboard. It is against Cerberus protocol.
Joker: Uh...
Shepard: Screw protocol, I'm running this ship. If you have a problem then leave.
Then a red light on the Normandy dash board started flashing.
Tali: ZOMG FTW we getting a comms from the armory!
Shepard: Patch it through!
Garrus: *over comms* AHH!!! ZOMG ROFL OH GOD OH GOD HELP US! WE NEED HELP!
Shepard: Whats the problem?
Garrus: *over comms* JACOB has a BOO BOO, WE NEED A BANDAID ASAP!!!
Shepard: Right on it! *as he closes the channel*
Shepard: Tali, have Samara give them their first aid.
Joker, Tali, EDI, Blinky V.2 : *quadroople facepalm*
Then the Collectors got mad and sent the Normandy a welcome present!
Joker: Uhh, Commander guess who. It's an old friend.
Shepard: *stairing at Tali's hips* Hugh, what? Old friend, is it Capt. Anderson?
Joker points to the Collector vessel that was fastly approching the Normandy SR2.
Shepard: Holy Shifty Looking Cow! My wallet is missing because that's no space ship! It's a space rectum!
EDI: They are powering weapons.
The collectors shot high volocity shots at the Normandy, fortuneatly the Collector drones where drunk from shore leave, and where terible shots.
Joker: Should I charge our main batteries?
Shepard: NO! We is going to ram it!
The Normandy charged directly at the Collector vessel, and huge speeds that would make Fia Dan say..
Fia Dan: Woah trippy man...The universes intermix with the arura of aqarius. WOAH!
...The Collectors continued to miss as the Normandy went closer and closer to raming it.
Shepard laughed like a crazy gobble terkey as the rest of the crew prepared for the worse.
Tali: Shepard, hold me.
Shepard: You is ruining the moment!
IMPACT!!!!!!! The Normandy crashed at full speed through the styrofoam hull of the Collector Vessel. (To make their starbase super awesome, the collectors had to make cuts elsewear, one was replaceing the hull with styrofoam)
Shepard: *koolaidman* OH YEAH!!!
As the they exited the other side, the ship went into catstrophic overload. Killing ever Collector aboard. The Normandy proceeded at full speed to the Collector Spacestation.
Miranda approched Shepard.
Miranda: Shepard! This is madness!
Shepard: Madness? This is Sparta!
Tali giggled.
The Normandy was torn appart as it crashed into the Spacestation, subsequently it was not made of styrofoam.
EDI: Incomeing telegram from The Illusive Man.
The Telegraph machine started beeping away with lots of short blips on long beeps.
Tali: Keelah, just ignore it and come back to bed with me.
Shepard: Ugh! Hold on Tali.
Shepard got out of bed to read the message.
Shepard: But this is in Moarse Code?!?!? The Hell? EDI, translate.
EDI: It reads as followed: Shepard, I wish I had more information for you. I don't like you heading through that relay blind, but we don't have much choice. Despite the danger it's a great opportunity, you will be the first Humen to take a ship through and servive. Since you arn't takeing this in the comms room, I just wanted you to know I appreciate the risk your takeing. You might not be comeing back, so I wanted to get this off my chest. Back in High School, I cheated off your for our AP calculus exam. Also I rigged the ASB ellection In my favor, and screwed your girlfriend before Senior Prom. Thought you should know that, BYE!
Shepard: That Son of a ****!
Tali: What?
Shepard: He ruined my High School Prom and...
Joker: *over comms* Commander! You better get up here!
The commander ran off towards the elevator.
Tali: But ShepDawg, your clothes!
The Normandy approched the Omega 4 Relay...
Joker: Commander! You better get up here! Like NOW!
Shepard ran quickly out of his elevator to the cockpit.
Shepard: What is it, Joker?
Joker: Approching Omega 4 Relay, standby.
EDI: Reaper IFF online.
Shepard: Lets make it happen.
Joker turned around and embraced the sight of his captain.
Joker: Uh, commander, did you forget something?
Shepard: No....I don't think so....?
Joker points downward
Shepard: HOLY UDINA"S SCABIES!!!!
Shepard was naked, the whole crew was LOL'ing and PeeWee laughing at him as he tried to hide behind joker's chair. Tali ran up to them, sneezing and coughing and carrying shepard's clothes.
Tali: *stuffed up* Shepard, you've forgot your clothes!
Shepard: Quick, into the airlock!
Joker: TOOOO LATE!!!!
The Normandy entered the Relay, the ship shook and rattled, the G's pushed everyone against the wall. Veiwing through the cockpit, space and matter wooshed by at light speed, and shot the ship at fast awesome speed to the Galatic Core.
Tali: *sniff* What's going on? AHH!!
Joker: Commander, Im not sure how but I think I crapped your pants.... AHH!!
Shepard: MY PANTS? AHH!!!
Miranda: What are you talking about! And why are you nude? And why dose Tali have your clothes? And why dose Joker smell? And where are we going? Do you think im hott? Do you have any lip balm? AAHHHHHH!!!!
Shepard: Joker wearing my pants?; That's none of your biznezz; Because we was having a costume party; Ask joker; Finland; YES *Tali Slap*; And oh sure I have some lip balm in my pocket. AAAAHH!!!!!
Miranda: Joker why do you smell so bad? AHHHH!!!
Joker: AHHHHHH!!!!! What smell? AHHHHHH!!!!! We have exited the RELAY!!! *guilty look*
The Normandy exited the relay. Giant chunks of space debirs floated in front of them. And the space was EVIL with BLOOD COLORS.
Joker: AHHHHHH LOOK OUT!!!
Joker swifty turned the ship to avoid a crash; knocking Tali off her feet and into the waiting arms of Commander Shepard. They both blushed, but Miranda was like GRRRR! Pilot Joker brought the ship out of the debirs field where they got a better view of the wreckage.
Joker: This must be all the ships that tried to make it though the Omega 4 Relay. Some look ancient. It looks like...
Shepard: WOAH, it looks, it looks, it looks like my arteries before they got flushed.
Tali: Ewww...
Part Five. Strategic Decisions
The Normandy SR2 floated above the debris field, on the far side was the Collector Base.
EDI: I have detected and energy signiture beyond the edge of the accretion disk.
Shepard: It has to be the Collector Base.
Tali: Keelah, it's huge.
Shepard: Ha Ha, thats what she said.
Miranda: Commander, we have no time for this!
Shepard: Your right! Joker, get someone up here to get me dressed!
Joker: Aye Aye sir!
EDI: Commander Shepard, the Collector Base is located on the far side of the debris field, I sugest we...
Shepard: RAMMING SPEED!!!
Miranda: Bloody hell Shepard? Are you trying to get us all killed?
Shepard: That is the plan! *evil laugh* Mah ha ha ha!
Thane wheeled up in his wheel chair, with Shepard's N7 armor.
Shepard: Hey you look different, did something very tragic happen to you? Wait don't tell me, you got a haircut.
Thane: What? *facepalm* Nevermind, as an assassin I do many dangerous things in my bodily of essence. But are you insane?
Shepard: *as Thane dresses him* Insane? Ha ha ha! That's what the Turian CouncilMan said about the Rachni! Look how that ended up?
Miranda: Exactly, the Rachni are now a threat!
Shepard: Wrong answer! The Turian Councilman is now DEAD! That's how it ended up.
Thane: *facepalm*
Shepard: Take us into the debris field! Sublight engines at full, prepare for impact!
Joker took the Normandy back into the field, and prepared to RAM the Collector Base!
EDI: We are picking up really cute red eyelids giving chase!
Indeed EDI was right, really cute red eyelids had given chase. They shot really cute lazers at the Normandy. They beeped and made chirpy noises at the Normandy. They was called Occuli or Occulus in single terms.
Joker: We won't last long! I'm going to have to loose them.
Shepard: NO! Full SPEED AHEAD!!!
The Occuli shot again! But Joker, against Shepard's orders turned the ship around and shot back blowing up a few. But like a plane and a flock of birds, Joker hit one and it got sucked into the engine and then into the cargo bay.
EDI: We have..
Shepard: GOD! I KNOW! And yes Joker I will take a team to take care of it. *too self who should go with me* Tali Zorah Vas Normandy, I choose you! Samara, I choose you!
Joker: No it's not that. I need to warn you about...
Shepard: Tell me later!
The suited up Commander Shepard took Tali and Samara down to the cargo bay. There was an obvious hole in the side, but no Occulus.
Shepard: What a mess, I never knew the cargo bay was kept in such poor upkeep. I'm goign to have to talk to Zaeed. humph!
They spread out to find it.
Samara: I don't get it.
Tali: Behind you!
There it was right behind Samara!
Tali: BRING IT DOWN!
Shepard: Wait it's so cute! Awwwwww.
Then lazer fire hit Shepard in the chest sending him flying into a crate.
Shepard: Me is angry!
The squadfired at it, emptying lots of clips. When it took a hit it chirped really cute and cuddlyness.
Shepard: STOP YOUR HURTING IT!
Samara: But Shepard!
Shepard: Your hurting it! It only wants to be loved and have feelings like us organics do.
Tali: It's just a machine. It has no feelings.
Shepard: I will proove it!
The commander threw his gun aside and came out from behind his cover; approching the Occulus.
Shepard: Come here you. Come here. It's ok. Don't be shy. *opening his arms for a hug*
Tali: *facepalm*
Shepard: It's ok, do you know why Joker was shooting at you? It's because he is JELEOUS! That's right, he knows that you are cuter and more handsome then he is. All you need is for some one to love you, right? Is that it? How about a hug? What do you say?
The Occulus looked at Shepard and left out one of the many holes in the hull.
Shepard: *shruggs* What an ass.
The ship took another hit, the resulting explosion rocked the ship; to compensate Joker began cutting off power to non-critical systems. Such as kenetic barriers to holding cells in the cago hold.
???: GROWL/RAWR!!
Samara: What was that? It could'nt be that thing again.
Tali: Again behind you!
Samara turned around as dozens of crocidiles crawled out of their cells! They was hungry for Asari flesh, which made them dangerous. What made them even more dangerous was that they where trained professional wrestlers!
Part Six. Ramming Speed
Shepard: Jesus Christo el crocidilio!
Crocidilio: Hand over the Dimond Italian Spiderman! RAWR!
Shepard leaped on to the crocidilio and strangled it with his telephone, Tali and her drone where zapping crocidilios left and right and left again. But oh no! A crocidilio had Samara in a tripple reverse Krogan body pincermove.
Crocidilio: RAWR!!!
Tali: Stay strong, Samara we will be right with you!
Shepard: No we won't their professional wrestlers, I'm not wasteing my life on a fellow crewmember!
Then crocidilios pinned down Tali, leaveing Commander Shepard cornered. Until there was a huge explosion! The befriended Occulus was back, it zapped the crocidilios with it's laser. But it was too late. Samara was dead.
Tali: She deserves a proper burial.
Shepard: Burial? She undermined the mission ever since we picked her up on Illum, like hell she deserves one! Where was she when I needed help? At least Occulus here came back for me did'nt you? That's right, yes you did, yes you did.
The Occulus squeeked with joy and cute cuddleness.
Tali: Should we name it?
Shepard: We will call it Blinky V.2 after that no good Geth that whined alot!
And with that they departed to the bridge. When they got up there Joker was escapeing the last of the Occuli.
Shepard: What's the situation!
Joker: Hold tight Commander we are about ready to loose them by wedgeing our ship between this narrow hole, that we probably won't be able to fit through.
Shepard: Do it, I always liked putting my crew in needless danger.
The Normandy wooshed through the tiny gap in the debris field, effectively squishing the other Occuli. But not with out consequences. A impact caused a power surge throughout the ship, overchargeing Jacob's brownie mixer. He subsequently lost his index finger.
Jacob: AAHHHH!!!
Garrus: Shhh! I'm reading!
On the bridge.
Joker: Were clear....and what the hell is that thing doing here?
The Blinky V.2 played mechanical chirps and buzzes of enjoyment. Shepard then gave it a big hug, to show is admoration for his new pet.
Shepard: It saved my life and that's all YOU need to know, Tali was wittness. She can back me up.
Tali: *not paying attention* What?
Joker: Hump! Well I guess Samara would have to be a witness to?
Shepard: She did'nt make it. *evil grin*
Joker: I never liked her anywayz. About your "friend"....
EDI: Commander Shepard, I strongly recomend against bringing a foriegn construct aboard. It is against Cerberus protocol.
Joker: Uh...
Shepard: Screw protocol, I'm running this ship. If you have a problem then leave.
Then a red light on the Normandy dash board started flashing.
Tali: ZOMG FTW we getting a comms from the armory!
Shepard: Patch it through!
Garrus: *over comms* AHH!!! ZOMG ROFL OH GOD OH GOD HELP US! WE NEED HELP!
Shepard: Whats the problem?
Garrus: *over comms* JACOB has a BOO BOO, WE NEED A BANDAID ASAP!!!
Shepard: Right on it! *as he closes the channel*
Shepard: Tali, have Samara give them their first aid.
Joker, Tali, EDI, Blinky V.2 : *quadroople facepalm*
Then the Collectors got mad and sent the Normandy a welcome present!
Joker: Uhh, Commander guess who. It's an old friend.
Shepard: *stairing at Tali's hips* Hugh, what? Old friend, is it Capt. Anderson?
Joker points to the Collector vessel that was fastly approching the Normandy SR2.
Shepard: Holy Shifty Looking Cow! My wallet is missing because that's no space ship! It's a space rectum!
EDI: They are powering weapons.
The collectors shot high volocity shots at the Normandy, fortuneatly the Collector drones where drunk from shore leave, and where terible shots.
Joker: Should I charge our main batteries?
Shepard: NO! We is going to ram it!
The Normandy charged directly at the Collector vessel, and huge speeds that would make Fia Dan say..
Fia Dan: Woah trippy man...The universes intermix with the arura of aqarius. WOAH!
...The Collectors continued to miss as the Normandy went closer and closer to raming it.
Shepard laughed like a crazy gobble terkey as the rest of the crew prepared for the worse.
Tali: Shepard, hold me.
Shepard: You is ruining the moment!
IMPACT!!!!!!! The Normandy crashed at full speed through the styrofoam hull of the Collector Vessel. (To make their starbase super awesome, the collectors had to make cuts elsewear, one was replaceing the hull with styrofoam)
Shepard: *koolaidman* OH YEAH!!!
As the they exited the other side, the ship went into catstrophic overload. Killing ever Collector aboard. The Normandy proceeded at full speed to the Collector Spacestation.
Miranda approched Shepard.
Miranda: Shepard! This is madness!
Shepard: Madness? This is Sparta!
Tali giggled.
The Normandy was torn appart as it crashed into the Spacestation, subsequently it was not made of styrofoam.
Modifié par Captain Cornhole, 29 mars 2010 - 02:08 .
#248
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 02:13
GreedIsNoException
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Ugh dude send me in a message cause i gotta go. Can't finish... or a link! Before he who shall be named - Stanley Woo - arrives
#249
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Posté 29 mars 2010 - 02:16
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
Guest_Captain Cornhole_*
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GreedIsNoException wrote...
Ugh dude send me in a message cause i gotta go. Can't finish... or a link! Before he who shall be named - Stanley Woo - arrives
Ok I will figure something out.
