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Kira Shepard wrote...
anything interesting going on tonight?
Working on artwork. Won't be posting as much as normal...
But, in the interest of keeping things interesting.
---
*Garrus is clicking away at his console in the Main Battery. Someone knocks on the door. Opening it, Garrus sees nobody. Suddenly, something grabs his ankle. Looking down, Garrus sees a half naked Shepard lying on the floor, looking bruised and exhausted*
Garrus: Whoa! What the hell happened to you?
Shepard: Help me... I can't feel my legs...
*Tali walks up behind Shepard*
Tali: Bosh'tet... running away like that... making me have to put my suit back on... know it takes forever...
*Tali grabs Shepard by the foot and starts dragging him back to the elevator.*
Shepard: Garrus! HELP ME! She's insane! I want to Live! LIVE!
Garrus: Whoa... looks like Tali has reach AND flexibility. Poor bastard never stood a chance.
*goes back to typing*
---
*Grunt is in his room, tinkering with his shotgun, when he hears a banging at the door. He gets up and opens it, and finding no one there, shrugs and turns to go back to his work. Something grabs at his foot. Looking down, he sees a broke, bruised, and otherwise thoroughly beaten half naked Shepard, crawling on the floor.*
Shepard: Help... me... legs... can't feel... hurts to breathe... everything... hurts...
Grunt: Battlemaster? Is that you? Is the ship under attack? What happened?
Shepard: No... it's...
*footsteps are heard down the hall*
Shepard: No... it's her... help me... you have to help me...!
Grunt: This is pathetic. Who did this to...
*See's Tali walking towards the room*
Grunt: Oh. The quarian. *looks down at Shepard* Kinky.
Tali: There you are Shepard. I told you, we aren't finished yet. Not until I say- Oh. Hello Grunt.
Grunt: Quarian. *blinks at her*
Tali: *grabs Shepard's foot and starts dragging him back to the bedroom* I'll just be taking this.
Grunt. Yeah.
Shepard: Please... no more... she's killing me! Killing me! Grunt... do something!
*Tali takes what's left of Shepard, leaving Grunt alone*
Grunt: Ha! Vakarian is just going to love this.
---
*Samara is floating off the floor of her room, quietly meditating, going over the sutras of The Code to herself. She hears a knock on the door. Getting up to check the sound, Samara finds Shepard, wearing little more than tattered rags, what she assumes were once clothes*
Shepard: Thank God... nobody else will listen... Samara... please... I need help.
Samara: Shepard? What is wrong? What has happened to your clothes?
Shepard: It's... please... can't breathe... just let me in... help...
*Footsteps are heard from down the hall*
Tali: SHEPARD!!!
*Samara raises an eyebrow as the quarian crew mate trudges down the hall, visibly upset.*
Tali: There you are! *Grabs him by the ankle and drags him away* Damn bosh'tet... can't even handle a little rough cuddling... you'd think being a Marine, he could go just a few days with me... It's not like I'm asking much... and the screaming... always with the screaming...
Shepard: Please... no more... it hurts...
*Samara has a quizzical look on her face, before smiling in a grandmotherly fashion.*
Samara: Tali'Zorah. A moment, please.
Tali: *Still holding Shepard's ankle* Yes Samara?
Samara: I am of the impression you and Shepard have... *looks down at Shepard's bruises and welts*... become intimate. I'm happy for both of you.
Tali: Um... thanks.
Samara: Also... I have some old commando leathers lying around, lots of belts and straps, should you ever wish to try new things.
Tali: Seriously?
Samara: *Gestures toward her outfit* I wasn't always a Justicar... you know. I'd also be willing to show you some... techniques... I learned over the years.
Tali: Thank you Samara! I'm sure Shepard would love that.
Shepard: *silently sobs*
*Tali drags Shepard away, leaving Samara alone.*
Samara: Shepard, you fool. *Smiles to herself* The last time I was with a quarian, I didn't leave the hospital for a month. Goddess give you strength. You'll need it.
---
*Working diligently on disseminated captured Collector Data, Legion's face plates twitch at the sound of something colliding with the door to the AI core. Opening the door, Shepard falls into his grasp, bruised, beaten, and apparently exhausted*
Legion: Shepard-Commander! Immediate medical attention required. Running diagnostic. WARNING! Multiple stress fractures detected! Extensive bruising and muscular tearing detected! Epidermal abrasion and scraping detected! Dehydration detected! Bodily fluids have been completely exhausted. We will escort you to the Med Bay.
*Legion lays Shepard down on a medical table*
Shepard: Thank you Legion... Everything hurts...
*Tali bursts into the med-bay*
Tali: DAMMIT SHEPARD! Stop being a little bosh'tet and get back in bed! We haven't even had intercourse yet!
*Legion's brow plates spike upwards curiously*
Legion: WARNING: Shepard-Commander is damaged. He requires extensive repair.
Tali: *Glares at Legion* Not until I'm done! I've been stuck in that suit for TWENTY YEARS! *Picks Shepard up and walks out with him* I'm getting laid, or so help me ancestors, I will hack your optical sensors and you'll be stuck watching Hello Chiktikka for a month!
Legion: Acknowledged.
Tali: *turns to walk out*
Legion: Creator-Zorah.
Tali: What is it?
Legion: We have an archive of quarian mating practices. Our research shows that humans are not capable of meeting output/input requirements for creators.
Tali: What's your point?
Legion: We recommend restraint. Human survival instinct dictates the need to stop after 48 hours of continuous sexual activity. Humans will try to retreat to escape core system shutdown.
Tali: Thanks for the advice Legion.
Legion: We also recommend nerve stimulation programs. We have over clocking algorithms that will help. Uploading to your hard suit. Will be useful in keeping Shepard-Commander conscious and Creator-Zorah moderately satisfied.
Shepard: Dammit Legion... You're not helping...
Tali: Thank you Legion.
*Tali drags Shepard out of the Med bay*
*Legion stands still, reaching consensus*
Legion: Consensus achieved. Creator-Zorah 'wears the pants' in Shepard-Zorah relationship. That was a joke.
EDI: You're improving.
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. The extreme Talimancer in me was brought out, just like when Shazz said he was gunna start drawing other LI's.
