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[KnightofPhoenix]

EDIT: I've decided to write the story. Thanks for your support 

Bigs thanks to LadyDamodred for providing invaluable help. I truly appreciate it.  
This is my first ever fanfic. So feedback is not only welcome, but necessary. Seriously

I have finales next week and the week after. So I probably will not be able to upfate the story as much as I would like. But I am free after that, so expect more updates.

The main character's name is Laurent Callidus. He will be known as Le Foudroyant (the one who strikes like lightning) when he becomes Ministre-Souverain (Sovereign-Minister).

Here is the story on FF.net: http://www.fanfictio...n_Orlesian_Tale
---------------------------------------------------------

Le Foudroyant: An Orlesian Tale.

Prologue:

The alliance between two rivals, Orlais and Tevinter, was an auspicious occasion. For many, it marked the beginning of the end for the third Blight. And indeed, their hopes were not disappointed. At the great battle of Hunter Fell, the armies of Orlais and Tevinter, lead by the valiant Grey Wardens, shattered the veil of darkness the Blight had inflicted on the Free Marches. Toth, the 3rd Archdemon to date, was defeated in 3:25 Towers. But that tale is for another time.

The Blights always eclipse the other periods. Despite the utter devastation and death they bring, people remember the valour and courage of those who have put an end to them. The Grey Wardens, above all, are regarded as the star that guided the lost to their salvation and victory.   
 
But what about the battles of everyday? The battles that men and women, children and adults, peasants and nobles fight on a daily basis? Can they not produce a tale worthy of remembrance and of emulation? Ask that question in the streets of Val-Royeaux, and all would say two words: Le Foudroyant.

Le Foudroyant is a figure of legendary proportions in Orlais. He was the man who seemingly appeared from the void and perched on the highest peak. His fame and glory is only rivalled by his controversy and infamy. No man had become so loved and so hated at the same time. He was the man of contradictions, as folklore came to know him.

Yet, not many know that Le Foudroyant was once Laurent Callidus. A young man who was inflicted with the misfortune of being born to a weakened and impoverished noble family. But who was also blessed with great intelligence and strength of will. As his motto went: “Skill and Will need Ambition to give them purpose”.

This is the tale of the man who braved the horrors of Orlesian politics. This is the tale of the man who got everything he desired, but lost everything he loved. This is the tale of Laurent Callidus. Le Foudroyant. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Chapter 1:  3:55 Towers

Helene, upon hearing the hoofs of an incoming traveller’s mule, quickly and cheerfully rose up to her feet.
“Finally! Maybe I will sell something today afterall!”

The traveller, an ugly old man Helene thought, reached the tree that she and her two cousins were sitting by. Every day for the past decade, they sat by that tree, waiting for passersby and attempting to sell whatever goods they managed to acquire or produce.

These are hard times for the Callidus family. They were great once Helene thought; At least that was what she had been told; warriors who stood with the great Emperor Drakon. Baah, if Drakon was here now, he wouldn’t even notice her and her cousins. Or maybe he would notice her at least? After all, she was pretty attractive, with long brown hair and captivating blue eyes that would make anyone wonder how such a person ended up living in such conditions. But enough dreaming she thought. Her two lazy cousins were not even bothered to race to the ugly old man and start talking business. They're never fun.

“Oh! Monsieur Chevalier commander! Would you grant me the honour of showing you items that you will not find in Val-Royeaux herself?”

“Do I look like a Chevalier to you, young lady?” The old man asked in a slightly annoyed tone.

“You are not a Chevalier? But surely such manhood and imposing physique cannot be anything but that of a Chevalier!” She was trying not to laugh. “Or perhaps it’s your donkey that reminded me of them.”

The old man coughed, clearly uncomfortable by the comment. No one insults the Chevaliers. Helene went on:
“ So learned scholar, would you be interested in trying this perfume? I tell you, it’s like magic. One drop. Just one drop of this, and women will be all over you in minutes!!”

The Old traveller was trying to conceal a smile. “I am not a scholar,"  he said wryly

Marc was trying not to laugh as well. Helene was the funniest of the group. She is also the oldest, twenty two years of age but no one dared to remind her. He was the youngest of three, nineteen, and he had always regarded Helene as an older sister. Of average height, he had short ginger hair and light brown eyes. They say he looked like his mother, but he wouldn’t know, he never saw her. He rose to his feet to join Helene and her would-be customer. He was determined to outsell Helene. Her hypocrisy would do her no good and he needed to sell something today at least.

The third member of this trio was reading a book as usual. He took a few seconds to watch Helene trying to deal with the poor man, beforebefore smiling faintly and returning to his book. He was twenty-one, slightly above average in terms of height. Taller than his two cousins at least, which was worth something when dealing with them. He had fairly long black hair and a light goatee, but his most attribute was his green eyes. He could disguise his emotions fairly well, but his eyes always seemed to reveal the truth. He was a handsome lad and he knew it. He’d been popular with the local girls ever since he reached puberty. Marc jealously insisted it had started even before that. His looks were aided by his eloquence and mastery of speech. He knew how to tell people exactly what they want to hear and more. His name was Laurent.  

“You’re not a scholar? Surely such intellect and wisdom cannot be that of a common man. And speaking of man, this liquid would keep you very busy for months my lord. Here smell it”. Helene put some on her hand and raised it to him, so he can smell it.

“Well...nothing happened.”

“Didn’t I already tell you minister, this works only on women. Only women can smell this perfume properly and find it irresistible.” Ha, she wished it worked on women; she might have kept some for herself.  “Oh oh oh!!” She cried “And if you are going to have this, then no doubt you will need this potion. This. Oh this marvel makes you feel capable of spending so much energy. It grants you a virility that surpasses that of your prime!”

“Are you suggesting I am past my prime and need something for my virility!?” The traveller angrily asked.

“Hm?...Oh..oh no no…no my dear Warden. What I meant is, if you are going to use that perfume, you will attract a lot of potential partners.  And all men have a limited energy, no matter how great it is, yes? Yes haha."
The old man couldn’t believe he had ended up in this discussion with this fool of a girl. Helene continued:
“So let’s talk pricing: these two potions for only seventy-five silvers.”

“75 silvers?!”

“I will give you the exact same for 50 silvers sir”. Said Marc. “You can examine what I have and if it’s different from what she is offering, I will give you everything for free”.

Helene was visibly not happy. “Oh so now you get up from your lazy ass? It’s not fair! All right, fine, I will give you everything for forty silvers. And I can’t go lower than that.” She started to weep quietly, a trick she had perfected long ago. “I have a family, oh generous magistrate, with five children and two sick grandmothers to take care of.”

“Ahem,” Laurent said, finally speaking up.

“And what about you, young man?” The old man took notice of him. “Aren’t you going to try to sell me what you have?”

“What I have is beyond your capacity. Financial and otherwise. You would be better off dealing with them.”  Laurent didn’t even bother to take his eyes of his book. It was a wonderful read, about the Alamarri of Ferelden.

“What do you mean beyond my capacity?!” The man snapped. He has a quick temper. An exploitable weakness. “Show me what you have”. He walked up to Laurent. Laurent smiled to himself. The old man spared him the inconvenience of having to get to his feet. “How is what you have better than what your two friends are offering me?”

“I only sell the best items. The likes of which only the finest people would immediately notice”.

“Are you saying I am not a fine person?” Vanity, yet another weakness to be exploited. “How much do you want for them?”

“One gold sovereign.” Laurent said in a neutral voice. 

“What? 1 sovereign? Ha, what kind of trader are you? These two are lowering the prices and yet you raise it and expect to sell something?”

“Didn’t I tell you? What I have is beyond your capacity. Go settle for the mediocrity they are offering you. The finest people are those who buy the best without even caring for the price.”

The man’s vanity and quick temper gave in. “Fine, I will take them. Here’s one sovereign.”

“This energy potion will serve your manhood well. You surely need it”.

“I...and who told you I even need it...”

Laurent turned his gaze to the visibly annoyed man, giving him a small but smug smile. His knowing look made it was clear from the very beginning that the man suffered problems in that regard. The old man quickly turned his sight away from Laurent in embarrassment and and left with his new purchases. Once again, Laurent surpassed his two cousins, who were not surprised at the outcome, but surprised at the methods.  

Once the traveler was out of sight, Marc exclaimed:
“Unbelievable. How did you do it? Last time, you outsold both me and that idiot Helene...” his comment earned him an elbow to his stomach. “Ow! Outsold me and the lovely princess Helene...yea, that's it...by lowering the prices. And now you do it by selling at a higher price. Just how?”

“It is a grave error to assume that all people think alike.” Laurent assumed his usual explanatory tone; some would call it arrogant. “The last man was not wealthy, was young and did not really need those items. That man on the other hand is vain, old and he definitely needs them, haha.” Laurent was an expert at discerning people. In just a couple of minutes of observation, he can understand any person, and can ascertain their strengths and weaknesses.

Laurent, Helene and Marc walked back home, after another day of boredom. On the way, , they heard the galloping of several horses. They were Chevaliers, laughing loudly, as they passed by the trio, without even noticing them.
“They’re laughing? That’s not a good sign” Helene said gravely.

“It’s never a good sign.” Laurent added, fixing his gaze on the chevaliers as they rode further away from them. He continued to stare for a few seconds, before continuing back home. 


EDITED 
    

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 17 avril 2010 - 03:35 .

[Sresla]

I disagree. Er, I disagree that it would be found uninteresting. Does that make sense? No matter.

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances;" isn't completely apt, but just because it isn't a "main" character doesn't mean that the others don't have interesting stories to tell within the same world. It would be like asking if we'd find Antiva unintersting just because Zevran wasn't there. Well, okay maybe () but probably not - just like Antiva, there's a lot about Orlais that we don't know but given the amount of people who voted for it to be a DLC destination, I'd say that people would enjoy it. I know I would.

That's the main reason, too - reading your story would be almost as good as you breathing on me and so perhaps I would absorb some awesome.

[LadyDamodred]

I've already told KoP that he should write it, so he hardly needs my support.



Do eet!

[Miri1984]

If the idea is there, definitely write it. I'll read it!

[KnightofPhoenix]

Maybe I am easily encouraged, but I am going to write an intro and chapter 1 now. Then I would re-ask if it's interesting. Makes it easy for you guys to ascertain that.

And thanks Sresla and LadyDamodred!
EDIT: and Miri

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 10 avril 2010 - 02:14 .

[Taiyama]

The idea is a wonderful one, I certainly recommend you go ahead with it.

[KnightofPhoenix]

This is the prologue. Might give you an idea of the story I have in mind. The title of the story is Le Foudroyant. It means "The one who strikes like lighting". This is the nickname Laurus gets when he becomes Ministre-Souverain (Sovereign-Minister). It's French.

This is the first time I write any fanfic, so feedback is not only greatly appreciated, but sorely needed .


---------------------------------------------------------------------

Le Foudroyant: An Orlesian Tale.

Prologue:

The alliance between two rivals, Orlais and Tevinter, was an auspicious occasion. For many, it marked the beginning of the end for the third Blight. And indeed, their hopes were not disappointed. At the great battle of Hunter Fell, the armies of Orlais and Tevinter, lead by the valiant Grey Wardens, shattered the veil of darkness the Blight had inflicted on the Free Marches. Toth, the 3rd Archdemon to date, was defeated in 3:25 Towers. But that tale is for another time.

The Blights always eclipse the other periods. Despite the utter devastation and death they bring, people remember the valour and courage of those who have put an end to them. The Grey Wardens, above all, are regarded as the star that guided the lost to their salvation and victory.   
 
But what about the battles of everyday? The battles that men and women, childrens and adults, peasants and nobles fight on a daily basis? Can they not produce a tale worthy of remembrance and of emulation? Ask that question in the streets of Val-Royeaux, and all would say two words: Le Foudroyant.

Le Foudroyant is a figure of legendary proportions in Orlais. He was the man who seemingly appeared from the void and perched on the highest peak. His fame and glory is only rivalled by his controversy and infamy. No man had become so loved and so hated at the same time. He was the man of contradictions, as folklore came to know him.

Yet, not many know that Le Foudroyant was once Laurent Callidus. A young man who was inflicted with the misfortune of being born to a weakened and impoverished noble family. But who was also blessed with great intelligence and strength of will. As his motto went: “Skill and Will need Ambition to give them purpose”.

This is the tale of the man who braved the horrors of Orlesian politics. This is the tale of the man who got everything he desired, but lost everything he loved. This is the tale of Laurent Callidus. Le Foudroyant. 
    

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 10 avril 2010 - 03:12 .

[Miri1984]

Oooh, I already want to know more. It sounds like you have a magnificently developed character in mind and I'm looking forward to meeting him! Go on!

[KnightofPhoenix]

Chapter 1. Maybe this should give you an idea about what the story would look like.

Feedback and above all constructive criticism are very welcome. And they are necessary.
After reading this, you can answer the original post if you like.
And with this, I am off to bed. Goodnight!

EDIT: thanks miri!

------------------------------------------------------

[b]Chapter 1:  3:55 Towers

Helene, upon hearing the hoofs of an incoming traveller’s mule, rose up to her feet.
“Finally! Maybe I will sell something today afterall!”

The traveller, an ugly old man Helene thought, reached the tree that she and her two cousins were sitting by. Every day for the past decade, they sat by that tree, waiting for passersby and attempting to sell whatever goods they managed to acquire or produce.

These are hard times for the Callidus family. They were great once Helene thought; At least that was what she had been told; warriors who stood with the great Emperor Drakon. Baah, if Drakon was here now, he wouldn’t even notice her and her cousins. Or maybe he would notice her at least? After all, she was pretty attractive, with long brown hair and captivating blue eyes that would make anyone wonder how such a person ended up living in such conditions. But enough dreaming she thought. Her two lazy cousins were not even bothered to race to the ugly old man and start talking business. They're never fun.

“Oh! Monsieur Chevalier commander! Would you grant me the honour of showing you items that you will not find in Val-Royeaux herself?”

“Do I look like a Chevalier to you, young lady?” The old man was slightly annoyed.

“You are not a Chevalier? But surely such manhood and imposing physique cannot be anything but that of a Chevalier!” She was trying not to laugh. “Or perhaps it’s your donkey that reminded me of them.”

The old man coughed, clearly uncomfortable by the comment. No one insults the Chevaliers. Helene went on:
“ So learned scholar, would you be interested in trying this perfume? I tell you, it’s like magic. One drop. Just one drop of this, and women will be all over you in minutes!!”

The Old traveller was trying to conceal a smile. “I am not a scholar,"  he said wryly

Marc was trying not to laugh as well. Helene was the funniest of the group. She is also the oldest, 22 years of age but no one dared to remind her. He was the youngest of three, at 19, and he had always regarded Helene as an older sister. Of average height, he had short ginger hair and light brown eyes. They say he looked like his mother, but he wouldn’t know, he never saw her. He rose to his feet to join Helene and her would-be customer. He was determined to outsell Helene. Her hypocrisy would do her no good and he needed to sell something today at least.

The 3rd member of this trio was reading a book as usual. He took a few seconds to watch Helene trying to deal with the poor man, beforebefore smiling faintly and returning to his book. He was twenty-one, slightly above average in terms of height. Taller than his two cousins at least, which was worth something when dealing with them. He had fairly long black hair and a light goatee, but his most attribute was his green eyes. He could disguise his emotions fairly well, but his eyes always seemed to reveal the truth. He was a handsome lad and he knew it. He’d been popular with the local girls ever since he reached puberty. Marc jealously insisted it had started even before that. His looks were aided by his eloquence and mastery of speech. He knew how to tell people exactly what they want to hear and more. His name was Laurent.  

“You’re not a scholar? Surely such intellect and wisdom cannot be that of a common man. And speaking of man, this liquid would keep you very busy for months my lord. Here smell it”. Helene put some on her hand and raised it to him, so he can smell it.

“Well...nothing happened.”

“Didn’t I already tell you minister, this works only on women. Only women can smell this perfume properly and find it irresistible.” Ha, she wished it worked on women; she might have kept some for herself.  “Oh oh oh!!” She cried “And if you are going to have this, then no doubt you will need this potion. This. Oh this marvel makes you feel capable of spending so much energy. It grants you a virility that surpasses that of your prime!”

“Are you suggesting I am past my prime and need something for my virility!?” The traveller angrily asked.

“Hm?...Oh..oh no no…no my dear Warden. What I meant is, if you are going to use that perfume, you will attract a lot of potential partners.  And all men have a limited energy, no matter how great it is, yes? Yes haha."
The old man couldn’t believe he had ended up in this discussion with this fool of a girl. Helene continued:
“So let’s talk pricing: these two potions for only seventy-five silvers.”

“75 silvers?!”

“I will give you the exact same for 50 silvers sir”. Said Marc. “You can examine what I have and if it’s different from what she is offering, I will give you everything for free”.

Helene was visibly not happy. “Oh so now you get up from your lazy ass? It’s not fair! All right, fine, I will give you everything for forty silvers. And I can’t go lower than that.” She started to weep quietly, a trick she had perfected long ago. “I have a family, oh generous magistrate, with five children and two sick grandmothers to take care of.”

“Ahem,” Laurent said, finally speaking up.

“And what about you, young man?” The old man took notice of him. “Aren’t you going to try to sell me what you have?”

“What I have is beyond your capacity. Financial and otherwise. You would be better off dealing with them.”  Laurent didn’t even bother to take his eyes of his book. It was a wonderful read, about the Alamarri of Ferelden.

“What do you mean beyond my capacity?!” The man snapped. He has a quick temper. An exploitable weakness. “Show me what you have”. He walked up to Laurent. Laurent smiled to himself. The old man spared him the inconvenience of having to get to his feet. “How is what you have better than what your two friends are offering me?”

“I only sell the best items. The likes of which only the finest people would immediately notice”.

“Are you saying I am not a fine person?” Vanity, yet another weakness to be exploited. “How much do you want for them?”

“One gold sovereign.” Laurent said in a neutral voice. 

“What? 1 sovereign? Ha, what kind of trader are you? These two are lowering the prices and yet you raise it and expect to sell something?”

“Didn’t I tell you? What I have is beyond your capacity. Go settle for the mediocrity they are offering you. The finest people are those who buy the best without even caring for the price.”

The man’s vanity and quick temper gave in. “Fine, I will take them. Here’s one sovereign.”

“This energy potion will serve your manhood well. You surely need it”.

“I...and who told you I even need it...”

Laurent turned his gaze to the visibly annoyed man, giving him a small but smug smile. His knowing look made it was clear from the very beginning that the man suffered problems in that regard. The old man quickly turned his sight away from Laurent in embarrassment and and left with his new purchases. Once again, Laurent surpassed his two cousins, who were not surprised at the outcome, but surprised at the methods.  

Once the traveler was out of sight, Marc exclaimed:
“Unbelievable. How did you do it? Last time, you outsold both me and that idiot Helene...” his comment earned him an elbow to his stomach. “Ow! Outsold me and the lovely princess Helene...yea, that's it...by lowering the prices. And now you do it by selling at a higher price. Just how?”

“It is a grave error to assume that all people think alike.” Laurent assumed his usual explanatory tone; some would call it arrogant. “The last man was not wealthy, was young and did not really need those items. That man on the other hand is vain, old and he definitely needs them, haha.” Laurent was an expert at discerning people. In just a couple of minutes of observation, he can understand any person, and can ascertain their strengths and weaknesses.

Laurent, Helene and Marc walked back home, after another day of boredom. On the way, , they heard the galloping of several horses. They were Chevaliers, laughing loudly, as they passed by the trio, without even noticing them.
“They’re laughing? That’s not a good sign” Helene said gravely.

“It’s never a good sign.” Laurent added, fixing his gaze on the chevaliers as they rode further away from them. He continued to stare for a few seconds, before continuing back home. 


EDITED 

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 10 avril 2010 - 11:02 .

[KnightofPhoenix]

Hesitation has been caste aside. I am going to write the story I have in mind and damn the consequences!

[Herr Uhl]

I am getting a serious Vetinari vibe from Laurent, care to comment?



A little more explanation of their surroundings would be nice.



Write more *cracks whip*

[KnightofPhoenix]

Herr Uhl wrote...

I am getting a serious Vetinari vibe from Laurent, care to comment?

A little more explanation of their surroundings would be nice.

Write more *cracks whip*

Vetinari who? Don't know him. But if Laurent is sounding like him, then I like him already.
My inspiration for Laurent is mostly Almanzor, a real historical figure.
 
And yes, I know describing the environment is not my forte. I will try to describe the small estate they live in and the village, near Val-Foret, in the next chapter. The first chapter's primary purpose was to introduce the characters, so I only focused on them.  

[Herr Uhl]

KnightofPhoenix wrote...

Vetinari who? Don't know him. But if Laurent is sounding like him, then I like him already.
My inspiration for Laurent is mostly Almanzor, a real historical figure.

Havelock Vetinari, discworld. Basically a man that is what Machiavelli would have wanted to rule in Italy.

Not being a history major (or anything in that except for a minor in modern history of ideas) I have nothing but a hunch of Almanzor, will look into it.

[Sresla]

Ha, Herr, great observation. Vetinari is one of my (if not THE) favorite characters in the Discworld universe (Vimes comes close though). I don't know if he'd ever reveal himself as openly as Laurent does though, likely he'd just leave Marc and Helene to speculate.



The only critique I have (and it's minor) is that the segway between how Helene addresses the man they're dealing with seems a little rough - chevalier, scholar, minister, warden. Maybe it's just the warden part that seems out of place, perhaps lord would work better? It just seems her continual change in forms of address would antagonize rather than sooth the buyer and if they do this every day, I could imagine them being a bit more practiced and smooth.

[MireliA]

I like the way that Laurent thinks. I am intrigued to see where this story goes. Write on

[KnightofPhoenix]

@ Srelsa. Helene is meant to be goofy, at least at the beginning of the story. I do have an important role for her in the future. But for now, she is mostly for comic relief. She will do lots of crazy and stupid things. She isn't stupid though, she is very intelligent, but she has a "meeeh" kind of attitude.

Maybe it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be 

And now for Chapter 2. I realised that I struggle when describing things, including environments, objects and reactions. I tried to work this out here. So please give me feedback about the descriptive part in this chapter, as well as everything else of course. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDITED

Chapter 2:

Helene and Laurent were right, the presence of Chevaliers spelt bad news. On their way home, a small estate in a village near the town of Val-Foret, they came across a burnt house, releasing a cloud of black smoke. The unfortunate owner was weeping on his knees surrounded by villagers, who were watching the spectacle in horror. Apparently, that person had failed to pay his taxes. Due to the devastation brought on by the Third Blight, the conditions of the people were at an all time low. In order rebuild the kingdom, the tax burden on the general populace was raised. How easy it is, Laurent thought, to rebuild by simply raising taxes. The question is, how can the people afford it? Why isn’t the nobility taxed? Had they been so, the state revenue would increase tenfold.  

The Chevaliers had become increasingly severe on those who failed to pay the tax. Burning homes was the usual punishment and the perfect warning for others. Further failure to comply resulted in even worse punishment. Terrible punishment. Laurent clenched his fist and wondered if things could ever be different. Injutice was always sour to him, even when he wasn't a victim. He was silent as he walked back home, thinking about the meaning of justice, thinking about ways to change all this, and thinking how useless his life is this forsaken village.

Finally, they reached their estate or so called “estate”. It was relatively bigger than the rest of the houses in the village though, as it had two floors, a small garden and a fountain right in the middle. It would have been decent, if there actually was water for that fountain. The trio were greeted by the familiar sight of worried parents. Laurent’s mother, Margaret, was very worried as usual. She was a strong woman, but Laurent is all that is left from her deceased husband. She couldn’t imagine what would happen to her if he ever came to harm. At Margaret’s side was Helene’s father, Vincent, who was equally worried. Marc’s mother had died in childbirth and his father a little before that. Laurent’s father, Victor, was murdered by bandits as he stood against them, protecting some villagers. Helene’s mother, Belle, died of disease a few years ago. These were indeed bad times for the Callidus family. And it was all grandfather’s fault.

“Where have you been?” Margaret asked swiftly and worryingly. “When the Chevaliers did what they did, we feared the worst!”

 “We are fine mother.” Laurent answered, in a tone too calm for his mother’s taste. He wasn’t being insolent, he was simply too busy thinking.

Vincent rushed towards Helene and embraced her roughly. He was a bit clumsy her father, but no one doubted how much he loved his daughter.
“Ow father, I am fine. Ow!” Helene sighed “The only thing that would kill me right now is not a Chevalier, but it’s you! Ouch.”

Vincent's wife’s death had a severe impact on him. Or rather, Belle’s passing just made his condition worse. “Oh s-s-sorry about that. Are you well? Are y-y-you hurt?”

“We are all fine uncle” Marc said in a calm voice, trying to reassure his uncle, “We didn’t see any Chevaliers. Just the house they burned.”

“Oh thank the Maker” Margaret sighed in relief. “You three should now go clean up. Dinner will be ready soon”.   

Everyone was silent on the table and only the sound of forks and plates could be heard. Laurent wanted to speak however, or even shout out. He had grown tired of everything around him. The food, the house, the village, the Chevaliers. Everything. But his anger was directed at his grandfather more than anything else. Why did he do this to his own family? Why did he waste the Callidus name? Laurent had asked that question many times and the only answer he got was: “Your grandfather decided to leave politics as a matter of principles and to ensure a better life for his children”. Hmpf he was probably too much of a coward, Laurent thought in disgust. His grandfather served under Emperor Florian during the third Blight. But for some reason he decided to seclude himself and his family away from the imperial court of Val-Royeaux after the victory of hunter fell. And now, here they were. Whatever fame the Callidus name had was now gone. All because of him.

Margaret saw her son’s anger in his eyes. He had been like that for a few years, but she never mustered the courage to ask him about it, for she knew exactly what was wrong.“Is everything alright Laurent?"

Laurent, deep in thought, was startled by the question. “I am fine...Just fine.” He frowned. He wasn’t fooling anyone however, he obviously wasn’t fine.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Margaret finally said: “I know this place cannot give you the future you deserve Laurent”. He raised his head and looked into his mother’s eyes. She understood him, for he indeed saw no future for himself in that village. “Val Foret might be a better place for you. Or maybe Montsimard. Or...” She continued gravely “or Val-Royeaux.”

Val-Royeaux. The jewel of Orlais. Yes he wanted to go to Val-Royeaux! Only there can he take what’s rightfully his! But He was torn between his ambitions and his duty and love towards his mother. He simply couldn't leave her there alone. Without thinking, he said: “We can go together!”
That sealed it for Margaret. It's clear that he wanted to leave and she should not stand in his way. But she couldn’t leave with him either for she had grown too weak and old for long travel. She smiled, but Laurent knew better. She was resisting the urge to cry.

“I can’t go with you Laurent. My life is here and I have accepted my fate. But you. You can still forge your own future, far away from this place. You must leave.” Laurent wanted to speak, but Margaret lifted her hand, stopping him, for she wasn’t finished talking yet. “What kind of mother would I be, if I deprive my son of a future worthy of his name? Do I let you remain here and do nothing but count the days until I die, so you can finally leave? No Laurent. You will leave for Val-Royeaux tomorrow and never look back.”

Laurent couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had never been so lost in his life. He couldn’t say anything. What could he possibly say to such a great woman?
Margaret smiled warmly and answered the questions Laurent wanted to ask. “I will be fine son. Vincent will stay here with me and we will manage. And you won’t be alone. Marc can go with you if he wants.”

“What? Me go to Val-Royeaux?” Marc exclaimed, expressing both shock and a certain excitment.

“Hey! What about me?” Helene cried. She had always hated being left out of a conversation. She immediately noticed her father’s sad expression, before he smiled and nodded in approval.

“I have already prepared your t-t-things Helene. Me a-a-and Margaret had been discussing this for weeks. You should prepare to leave for tomorrow. The weather i-i-is well so travelling to the capital shouldn’t be a problem”.

There was no use arguing, it was done. All three of them wanted to leave and find their own lives, but they never dared to express such desires. Luckily for them, Margaret and Vincent knew this and came to the decision of granting their children the permission to leave. 
This night will be the last night they spend together. This will be the last night they sleep in this house. Laurent couldn’t sleep however. After what seemed like an eternity, the sun finally started to rise.

Laurent, Marc, Helene, Vincent and Margaret were all outside the estate. Dawn had always looked beautiful from their home. But this was not the time to admire such a view, for this was to be their last moment together. Margaret, holding a sword in her hands, walked to Laurent slowly and offered him the blade.
“This is your father’s sword, do you remember it? I hope you will never need to use it, but...”, She said, struggling to hold her tears back.  This was more difficult that she thought but she had to be strong for her son’s sake, “Take it and go”. The sword was well crafted, clearly that of an Orlesian nobleman. The blade shined with an almost bluish color, further accentuated by the light of dawn, and the hilt was adorned with several small precious gems. It was a true work of art.

Laurent slowly put his hand on his mother’s shoulder before gently taking the sword from her hands. His resolve was weakenning but he too had to remain strong. “I am sorry mother”, he said gravely, looking down on the ground as he was not able to look his mother in the eye, “I was never good at goodbyes”. He found the strength to briefly fix his sight on his mother's soothing face. She gently but gravely smiled and nodded in return.

They bid each other farewell quickly.That is how it should be, as long goodbyes are too painful and would weaken everyone's resolve. Laurent, Marc and Helene stepped away from Margaret and Vincent, turned around relunctantly and were off on their journey. Laurent suddenly stopped, for he remembered how he didn’t tell his mother how much he loved her. He looked back and watched as Margaret gave him an encouraging smile and quickly tried to hide and wash away her tears with her hands. He didn’t need to tell her, for she knew and she was proud. He stared at his mother for a few seconds. A few precious seconds that he didn't want to end. But he must not waiver, he was telling himelf, clenching his fists and biting his lip, not now. He turned back abruptly and started walking in a quick pace. The sooner he was away from there the better. Marc and Helene walked behind their cousin, trying to keep up, as the sun began to rise. 

The journey to Val-Royeaux will be a long one.

EDITED

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 11 avril 2010 - 12:02 .

[Herr Uhl]

It's more descriptive, but small things, such things as what they had for dinner and time (something like, the sun had started to set as they went towards home, like in the end) would make it more immersive.

[KnightofPhoenix]

Herr Uhl wrote...

It's more descriptive, but small things, such things as what they had for dinner and time (something like, the sun had started to set as they went towards home, like in the end) would make it more immersive.

Gotcha.
It's the little things *listens to Wanted's little things theme".

[Miri1984]

I agree that details are important if you're going to describe things - but it's also very easy to get bogged down in description so be wary of that. I tend to write a paragraph then go through and delete every adjective I have used - then read it again and pop back in the ones that I actually need .



I once saw Marcus Zuzack give a speech (he wrote a book called "The Book Thief", which I highly recommend) and he said when you describe things the way to make it more real is to be specific about little details rather than the whole picture, because that's how we look at things normally.

[KnightofPhoenix]

Chapter 3 is a long one. But there is action in it!

I tried to improve my description and immersion skills. Hopefully chapter 3 is an improvement in that regard.


----------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3:

It’s been four days since the three cousins left their home, and Laurent barely spoke a word throughout the journey. They had made good progress, as they were now miles away from Val-Foret, the town near their village. Laurent’s gaze was fixed solely on the flame they had just lighted for their camp, which they set up on the side of the imperial highway linking Val-Foret to Val-Royeaux. He never before realised how beautiful fire is on a cold and harsh night. The way the flames were dancing around with dignified grace, as Laurent was playing with them with a stick he had just picked up. It seemed as though Laurent was directing and guiding the flames with the stick, a sensation he liked. For the chaos of the flame getting tamed reflected Laurent’s inner state, for his ambitions were like a raging fire; if they were not tamed they would burn everything around them.        

“Sooo” Helene suddenly exclaimed, startling Laurent who did not hide his annoyance at this disruption. “I guess it is too late to ask but....what are we going to do in Val-Royeaux once we get there?”

“Do whatever everyone else is doing” replied Marc, shrugging. “I heard Emperor Maximilien’s reforms encouraged a lot of country folk or even people from other cities to travel to the capital. I am sure we will find something to do.”

Do whatever everyone else is doing? Laurent didn’t leave the village just to be like everyone else. He scoffed at what Marc said. Marc’s puzzled expression drove Helene to mockingly explain:

“Don’t you know Laurent? He can’t do whatever everyone else is doing. Can you imagine the shame this would bring to our all mighty family?” She finished the sentence by raising her arms to the air in mockery.

Laurent turned his head towards Helene and gave her a light but sincere smile, somewhat approving of her sarcasm, before returning to contemplate his flame. She was not completely wrong, for their family was, for all intents and purposes, just like everyone else now. But he was not going to let her mock him like that without retaliation.
“And what about you Helene? Haven’t you always dreamt about being a Grey Warden? Or is this childhood fantasy of yours over?”  

“Yay Laurent finally said something!” Helene swiftly jumped to her feet and started dancing around the camp fire singing, further mocking her cousin. Laurent smiled, but his expression indicated that he still wanted an answer to his question. Helene deduced that Laurent was not completely mocking her, and proceeded to give an answer. “It is as I have always said. I wouldn’t say no if a Warden wanted to recruit me. But I will not go out of my way to get recruited. I am going to Val-Royeaux just for my own personal delight. I heard it was the most beautiful city in the whole of Thedas, full of colors and singing and dancing. And ridiculous hairdos” She giggled at the thought, for she had once seen a noblewoman with a ridiculous hairdo. There were more bows than actual hair!

Marc laughed with Helene for a while and proceeded to get to his feet slowly and stretch himself out, before picking up a stick from the ground and slowly raising it and pointing at Laurent. “What about you O Laurent?” asked Marc in a sneering tone. “Planning to become a chevalier? A minister? Or how about the Emperor of Orlais himself?” Helene burst out laughing. Laurent was ambitious yes, but he would never go so far as to dream about being Emperor, she thought.

Laurent lightly returned the laughter, but it wasn’t completely sincere. Emperor of Orlais? Why not he asked himself. It seemed to him that nothing is beyond his reach. He slowly got up from the ground, leaving the stick behind in the flame, and stood up in a graceful and imposing manner. Despite the conditions he lived in, Laurent always had the mannerism of a nobleman. He turned around and ambled a few steps, raising his sight to the stars above, admiring their brightening aura. He then turned back and smiled as he noticed how his two cousins’ eyes were carefully following him.
He went on to say:“Humour me. Suppose I do succeed in becoming what I deserve to be. What posts or boons do you want me to grant you?” His graceful smile was unfazed as his cousins laughed fleeringly. Helene and Marc quickly realised however that Laurent was not joking, but was perfectly serious.

Marc, feeling a bit guilty for mocking his older cousin, quickly replied apologetically. “Eum, I will settle with being your right hand man, if you so desire.” 

Helene’s scoffs were now direct at both her cousins. She started walking slowly towards Laurent while answering his question sarcastically. “I personally do not want anything from you. But if you do achieve whatever it is you are planning, then I deserve to be punished. How about a hundred lashes? Hmm?” Laurent smiled at her, while he put his hand on her shoulder, before gently pushing her out of his way.

“I think it is time for us to sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow”, he said with authority

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

After a few hours of uncomfortable sleep, the trio were up to continue their journey as the sun rose. They met a few travellers on the road, but not as much as they would have expected. But the Empire had been weakened by the Blight and it would be some time before it could be restored to its former glory and dynamism. They rested in a small village and resupplied, before they resumed their travel. Helene was playing with the dagger she just bought from the village, which looked identical to the dagger she already had. Except that her old dagger’s hilt was decorated with green markings, while the new one was decorated with blue markings. While throwing her daggers in the air, spinning, and catching them as they fall, Helene was explaining to Marc how her skills with daggers were unrivalled; Marc was nodding in boredom at his cousin’s pretentions.

She continued to brag, until she was suddenly shushed by Laurent, who didn’t seem to be bothered by her constant talking before.
“Hey, don’t shush me!” She exclaimed angrily.

“Be quiet!” Laurent ordered in a whispering voice, “Listen, can’t you hear it?”

“Hear what?” Helene asked puzzlingly, as she tried to listen in. She started hearing voices alright, but they were unclear. That is before she unmistakably heard someone calling for help.

“Someone’s in trouble!” said Marc in a quiet tone.

“Let’s move.” Laurent said as he clutched at his sword, still sheathed in its scabbard.

They moved swiftly, but quietly, until they hid behind a large tree and peeked furtively. They saw an old man begging for mercy as he was being approached menacingly by three other men with swords drawn. Hiding behind him were two young women, one of whom was an elf, backed against a wagon. The three men were obviously bandits, but they looked too young, barely older than the three cousins if not of the same age. Laurent quickly noticed that one of them couldn’t even hold his sword straight. The battle was winnable he thought, as he turned his gaze towards Helene and Marc, before giving them an encouraging but commanding nod; they nodded back in approval, as Helene drew up her two daggers, and Marc forcibly grabbed the large stick he had taken with him from the last camp. Laurent untied his scabbard from his belt, but did not draw his sword. He did not intend to kill.

The cousins quickly burst into the scene with their weapons drawn. In a fiercely commanding voice that one would not expect from a twenty one year old, Laurent warned:
“Step away from them now, lest you forfeit your lives needlessly.”

The three armed bandits turned around abruptly to face those who interrupted them. They were too young to be proper bandits Laurent thought. Even their equipment and rusty swords did not seem that of professional bandits. Perhaps they were just common thieves, driven to steal by necessity and not by profession. 

One of them was clearly scared. He plunged towards Helene, pointing his sword forward, probably thinking that she would be easy prey. He was gravely mistaken. Helene gracefully circumvented the attack, laughing mockingly while doing so. She avoided yet another attack and in a flash of light, grabbed her assailant’s hand as she turned and positioned herself behind his back, forcibly setting up her dagger at his throat. He dropped his weapon in defeat.

The other thief attempted to break Marc’s guard with several blows, but his clumsy swordsmanship was of no use. Marc easily blocked his opponent’s attacks before delivering a painful blow that seemed to burst out of nowhere to his stomach. Taking advantage of his opponent’s painful confusion, he proceeded to sweep him off his feet before pointing his large stick against his fallen enemy’s chest.

The third would-be bandit was clearly the oldest. He was probably the leader, Laurent guessed as he closely observed his opponent. He was seemingly insulted by Laurent’s audacity as he walked slowly and arrogantly towards him. Shoddy, Laurent thought in scorn, as he braced himself for combat and grasped his still sheathed sword with one hand holding the hilt, while the other was holding the mid section of the blade. The thief leader’s first attack was easily parried by Laurent; his second attack was even easier to ward off. Angered, the thief launched a series of three quickly successive blows, two of which were parried by Laurent and the third was completely avoided. Anger is too easy a weakness to exploit, Laurent said to himself as he glared into his attacker’s eyes. In frustration, the thief raised his sword high into the air before crashing it down on Laurent, who blocked the attack. The two were now locked in a contest of strength, as the thief was forcing his sword on Laurent’s guard.

Then all of a sudden, Laurent overpowered his opponent by pushing his sword and that of his opponent to the right, before quickly pushing it to the left. Then like lightning, Laurent drew his sword out of the scabbard which he swiftly used to hit his opponent’s face, while simultaneously disarming him with the sword. Confused from the blow he received to his head, the thief leader found Laurent’s sword pointed at his throat. The battle was over.

“Didn’t I tell you my skills with the dagger are unmatched?” Exclaimed Helene with pride, as she forced the thief to walk forward, her dagger still at his throat. Marc fixed his large stick against his opponent’s chest as he too positioned himself behind him. Laurent gave his defeated assailant a smug smile, before forcing him up against a tree. The old man and the two women that accompanied him quickly took out ropes from their wagon and proceeded to help their benefactors tie up the thieves.

“Oh thank the Maker!” The old Man cried out looking into the sky in relief “Thank the Maker for sending us these brave souls to our aid!” He glanced at his benefactors, before quickly embracing Laurent.

Laurent gently patted the old man’s back with one hand to calm him. “It was only our duty good sir.” As he was saying those words, Laurent smiled at the women who were also thanking him and his cousins. 
Laurent gracefully drew back his sword into the scabbard as he tied it back to his belt, and went on to introduce himself: “I am Laurent Callidus and these are my two cousins, Helene and Marc”, he always mentioned his family name to those who did not already know it, “we are travellers,  we came from Val-Foret and are intending to go to Val-Royeaux.”

“Callidus? You mean, you are from the Callidus family?” Laurent expected introductions from the old man, but instead he got this. “The same noble family that had served the Emperors and Empresses for generations? What are you doing out here?” The old man asked puzzlingly.

Laurent was both content and saddened by the man’s reaction, but mostly surprised. After all, not many remember the Callidus name. Laurent frowned a bit before he quickly readjusted his composure and smiled; he addressed the man warmly and politely: “It is a long story sir. Perhaps one I could share after I learn your name.”

The old man hit his own face with an open palm, regretting his ill mannered behaviour “Oh please do forgive me my lords. I am Patrick Klaud, a silk trader, and this is my daughter Laura”, he raise his hand towards her. She was tall, with light brown hair matched with similar eyes, with fine silk beige robes. Laurent bowed his head to her in respect, and smiled and glanced subtly in approval. She was fairly decent Laurent thought, as she shyly avoided his quick glance and smiled in return.

“Oh and this is Katryn, our maid” The old man introduced her faintly. Marc and Laurent smiled lightly and only Helene smiled sincerely at the elf. She was attractive, Helene thought but unlike what she had imagined elves to look like. Instead of having blond hair, like she ignorantly thought elves usually had, this elf had jet black hair and very striking greyish-blue eyes. Her clothing was evidently of less quality than that of Laura, but was fairly decent for a maid. It was clear that Patrick was fairly wealthy. 

The elves had been subjugated since 2:20 Glory; it would have been inappropriate, Laurent though to himself, if he greeted her the same way he greeted her masters, but he pitied her still as he had always sympathised with her race. His thoughts on the matter were interrupted however by Patrick.
“We too are heading to Val-Royeaux. I am planning to set up shop in the capital. Emperor Maximilien’s expansion of trade relations had made Val-Royeaux in specific a very profitable market. We can go there together if you like!”

His suggestion was more like a plea, as Patrick was terrified by this experience and wanted to be escorted by the evidently skilful trio. Laurent nodded in approval and said, while very quickly casting a glance at Laura. “It would be our pleasure Monsieur Patrick. But we still have to deal with those three”. Laurent pointed to the three tied bandits with his head, in scorn.

“There is a village nearby. Perhaps we can give them to the authorities there.” Laura finally said something, though she was still shy, as she couldn’t make eye contact with Laurent.

“Very well then” Laurent said, positively amused at Laura’s shy behaviour. “But we should make haste if we are to reach that village before sun set.”

And so the two bands of travellers, along with their dragged captives, continued on their journey towards the
nearby village and ultimately towards Val-Royeaux, the Jewel of Empire.

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 12 avril 2010 - 03:28 .

[soignee]

shove this on a ff.net account, I loathe reading stuff on this forum. Pretty please?

[KnightofPhoenix]

soignee wrote...

shove this on a ff.net account, I loathe reading stuff on this forum. Pretty please?

Apparently I have to wait two days before I can post anything there. Sowi.
I will publish it there after those two days.

[soignee]

thanks! The formatting makes me grrr. Plus I can put ff.net stories on my kindle!

[KnightofPhoenix]

Ugh,I have been trying to write chapter 4, but my finales are up and I really need to study, because I do not have a week off prior to the exams like I thought I would have (I was counting on them Goddammit!!). So the story will have to wait till 20s of April. I like to think many are crying right now because of this announcement (more likely many do not care). But I still felt the need to announce that and to reassure / warn you that I will be back

[KnightofPhoenix]

As promised to the lovely soignee, I uploaded the story on fanfiction.net.
http://www.fanfictio...n_Orlesian_Tale
(Tell me if the link works).

I am still in my exam period, so I won't be able to update for about a week. Maybe a little less.
Cheers!

Modifié par KnightofPhoenix, 17 avril 2010 - 03:36 .