In a word where characters don't strangle their dogs, cook 80 year old women alive, and rape helpless elves.
The side characters of Dragon Age have decided that they were fed up with their lack of screentime. After writing an angry letter to BioWare demanding to be made full fledged companions, they recieve this response:
"Who the hell are you people?"
Angry with the contents of the message, they all go on a retreat to Happy Island. What could possibly go wrong?
Prelude:
The side characters were still in need of a ship to sail to Happy Island, so with that a plan was devised. It was simple, Bann Teagan would board Isabela's ship and proceed to take off his shirt. With that the ship would be immediately swarmed by Teagan fangirls who jump into action the moment their vaginas get the signal. Once Isabela and her sailor's were devoured by the angst ridden fangirls, Bann Teagan would throw his shirt into the water and watch as the dozens of girls jumped the ship to save the precious cargo.
Needless to say, the plan was a success and the ship was on target for Happy Island.
Everything was going swimingly until Isolde opened her mouth. "TEAAAAGANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN WHEREESSSSSS CONNNNNNNNORRRRRR!"
"OH MAKER DAMNIT, I THOUGHT WE ALL AGREED THAT SHE WASN'T INVITED" screamed Gorim.
"Hey don't look at me, it was Branka who invited her." replied Dagna quickly.
"TEEEEEEEEEEAGANNNN WHERE ISSSSSSSSSS MY SSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOON!!!"
Teagan sighed. "Isolde we already talked about this, the warden was sick of your seizure inducing screeching so he punched you in the face and killed Connor"
With that Happy Island came in to view. But nothing is as it seems.
Vote for who you want off the island
DAY 5 VOTING BEGINS - http://social.biowar...824/polls/5392/
DAY 1 - Isolde eliminated http://social.biowar...824/polls/5256/ VOTING HAS ENDED FOR THIS POLL
Upon their arrival on happy island, the side characters were introduced to the native population, the Happiites. They were provided with copious amounts of food and shelter and were very much enjoying their stay. At night they sat around the campfire telling stories of how each of them messed with the warden and his companions by sending them on ridiculous quest with shoddy rewards.
While Sandal and Owain were in the midst of a very deep and philosophical conversation a deafening shriek was heard from the distance.
Gilmore's happy expression turned to a horrific one as he realised who it was. She was back with a vengeance. See, the side characters actually wanted to enjoy their stay at Happy Island so they decided to combine their useless quest giving skills to send her on a perilous quest of which she would never complete.
"HOWW DARREE YOUUUU LIEEEE TO MEEEE! TEEEEEAGANNNN I THHOUUUUUGHT WEEEEE SHAREED SOMETTTHING SPECCCIAL THAT ONE NIGHT AT THE PEARL!" screamed Isolde furiously.
All eyes shifted toward Teagan in confusion. "What..no...guys....its..not...its not what it sounds like...I...mean...why..would I do..uhm something like that" Teagan said hesitantly.
"Teagan how could you, she was my wi.." Eamon was cut off.
"I WANTT MYY SOOON BACK, WHYY DOOES EVERYBOOODY HATTE MEE?"
Gorim clasped his hands to his head "Shes scrambling my brain!"
"Somebody has to stop this madness!" Dagna said quickly. All eyes turned to Teagan, knowing what must be done.
Teagan saw it in their eyes, "No guys its, its to dangerous, theres no saying what damage could be done"
"We all must make sacrifices" responded the Lady of the Forest calmly.
Teagan sighed and with that he began to unzip his pants. The signal was out. A rumbling sound was heard in the distance. Everyone ran for cover as the ground began to shake. The horde was coming. Teagan quickly finished taking off his pants and threw them at Isolde. Within seconds the screaming fangirls came in to view and locked target on his pants in the possession of Isolde. As Isolde began to run, the side characters watched as Isolde was carried off by the fangirls, her screams muffled by those of the Teagan hungry teenagers.
"Well glad thats over with, lets party!" exclaimed Flemith.
And with that the side characters got down like its 999, never to see Isolde again.
Day 2 - Branka and Goldanna Double Elimination (Bottom two people) http://social.biowar...824/polls/5293/ Poll Ended
With Isolde gone everything was seemingly perfect on Happy Island. Eamon was hitting on Flemeth, Jowan and Lily were working on their relationship problems, Dagna was being adorable, and Sandal and Owain were continuing their deep conversation, and then there was Goldanna and Branka. The two were trying to decide who would be the HBIC of the island.
"Pff Ha, you think your soo tough, I practically reduced my own brother to tears and then sent him packing, way more people hate me then they hate you, plus aren't you supposed to be dead with the anvil?" said Goldanna
"I got better and girl please, I betrayed my loved ones to the darkspawn, resulting in their deaths and then had a secret lesbian romance during my supposed relationship with Oghren, you got nothing on this you pathetic ginger bítch!" yelled back Branka.
"Oh please like I'm going to take insults from an overweight oompaloompa" retorted Goldanna
Ladies! Please, there is no need for a HBIC on this island, make yourselves useful and get some water" interupted Eamon.
"Ha, I don't do labor, plus I wouldn't trust Branka to tie my own shoe"
"Afraid I might stab you in the back?" laughed Branka
"More afraid that you might try to get me on mine actually" retorted Goldanna. Branka laughed, "Please I have standards."
"You slept with Oghren! The only thing that is worse than that is doing the deed with that hideous cow Lily!" snapped back Goldanna.
The island began to shake. Branka and Goldanna continued there fighting without noticing the shifts that were taking place. "Look!" yelled Dagna as she pointed at the two. The side characters looked over at Branka and Goldanna and noticed that they were moving away. Happy Island had responded to the negativity surrounding Branka and Goldanna by splitting off the part of the island that they were on. Their rabble continued as they still failed to notice that they were drifting away from the main island.
"Whateva, Whateva I do what I want!"
"And obviously whomever you ugly ****! No wonder BioWare made an option to kill you!" replied Goldanna.
By sundown Goldanna and Branka were out of sight and still no end to their argument had come.
DAY 3 - Nug Eliminated
http://social.biowar...824/polls/5337/ Poll EndedAfter two days of rest and relaxation Eamon had gathered the remaining characters to discuss what to do once their vacation was over. "Okay people now that we have enjoyed two days of vacation (squeak) ehrm.. uh we should focus on what we are going to do (squeak) argh.. as I was saying we should focus on what we are going to do after (squeak) OKAY WHERE IS THAT FREAKIN NUG!"
"The damn thing has been doing that non stop since we've got here, franky I say we put an end to this!" chipped in Lily.
Everyone started laughing. "Lily no one cares what you think" laughed Gilmore, "Anyways I think that we should put an end to this!"
"I just said that!" fired back Lily. "We all must have been distracted by that hideous thing you call a face, anyways lets find that damn nug" said Gorim.
The entire group began searching for the nug, the squeaking eventually led them straight to its location. They all surrounded the creature preparing to do whatever was necessary to put an end to the situation. "Wait a minute, look over there" yelled Jowan, pointing at the the newly arrived boat on the shore. A man got out of the boat and walked towards the characters.
"Hello everyone I'm from BioWare" said the man. The characters all smiled evily, BioWare had obviously come to beg for them to come back. "Well, welll, well, look who it is, finally realizing how important we are hmm?" said Eamon.
"Uhm no actually, and I still have no idea who any of you people here are, I'm actually here for a certain creature called a nug" responded the man. "Ah there it is, see BioWare is interested in making a kid based RPG starring this this little guy right here as the main character"
"No freakin way" said Teagan in bewilderment. The man nodded and held the nug up to his face, "You my new friend, are going to be a star!"
The man carried the nug back to the boat. The side characters all watched with their mouthes dropped, all they heard was a faint squeak coming from the boat as it disappeared into the horizon.
DAY 4 - Flemeth Eliminated http://social.biowar...824/polls/5371/ Poll Ended
Flemeth watched the other characters as they went on with their day, they were all so naive, none of them had their eyes on the prize. No, Flemeth knew that if she wanted to become a companion she would have to start offing her competition, one by one. Looking at the possibilites she was able to limit them down to the most likely characters, Teagan, Gilmore, and Jowan. All of them had there own built in fanbase, she would target them first. Jowan was the least compatent and therefore would be the easiset to get rid of.
Flemeth approached Jowan. She cleared her throat, preparing herself for one of her biggest lies of all time "You know Jowan I'm awful impressed with all the magic you know, maybe you could teach me some of your skills."
Jowan blushed, "Uhm thanks.. I guess, but I, don't really know that much, plus don't you already have like a bajillion years of training?"
Flemeth gulped down the vile in her mouth from the previous lie, he wasn't buying it, she would have to go all out even if it killed her. "No I'm serious, you have a natural talent at it, much better than anything I could do."
Jowan smiled, finally he was getting some respect. "Well, alrighty then, sure I'll teach you, where should we go?"
Flemeth was almost vomitting at this point, that last lie had tooken its toll on her. Swallowing it down she croaked out "Oh I don't know how about that tree clearing in the distance?"
Flemeth and Jowan headed to the tree clearing. When they got there, a force sent Jowan flying back against a tree. "You stupid child, I am the mighty Flemeth, I have spent centuries honing my craft and you think you teach me? No it will be I who will teach you a lesson you will never forget!" Fire grew from her hands, a smile crossed her lips. As she aimed her fireball at Jowan, a shocking realization came to her. The fire went out and she clutched her hands to her face. She then burst into tears and fell to her knees.
Jowan was perplexed "Uh Flemeth what the hell is going on?"
Flemeth was sobbing now, "I, I forgot to take Morrigan's cooking off the fire, she tried to remind me but I didn't listen waaaa!" Jowan wasn't really sure what to do at this point so he went over to Flemeth and patted her on the shoulder, "There, there uhm I'm sure that its still cooking safely in your cabin."
Flemeth looked up, "You, you really think so? I have to go check on it immediately!" With that Flemeth transformed into a bird and flew away from the island back to her hut.
Jowan scratched his head, shrugged his shoulders, and headed back to camp, tommorow will be better he thought.
Modifié par TheOrtReport, 01 mai 2010 - 10:29 .
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