532 réponses à ce sujet

[Raonar]

I'll admit I use the high names because I like them better



Plus, she grew up in the Circle Tower, with all the high-level education and all, every possible book etc.

[Glorfindel709]

Just finished reading through your story this afternoon (sickness + a nonfunctioning xbox = a needed DA fix.)



When I read the summary I couldnt help but agree while thinking back to my own Dwarven Noble playthrough (and interestingly my character Durin looked very similar to Raonar) and wishing they had fleshed out the more cunning noble approach.



When I realized that you were going to be incorporating every origin into the story as Wardens, I admit I was skeptical. I didnt know if the translation between a strong character meant to carry the banner of hope against the Blight in the game could translate to 6 separate and identifiable characters that werent just padding to the story and actually had meaningful purpose. I realized around halfway through that not only were my fears unjustified, but that you had almost perfectly fleshed out each origin making them have an identity that I as the reader could distinguish while at the same time not making them overshadow the protagonist Raonar.



Another thing that struck me was how IC the people the Warden recruits interact with are with their ingame selves and base perceptions of characters like Loghain and Cailan, based of course on different circumstances and events. It not only seemed genuine to the characters and the story, but it made me consider the characters in a better light then the hardcoded game did (Cailan's remorse over leading his soldiers to death and his final words in the cave altered my perceptions of Cailan as a glory-hungry fool to a more pitiable character striving to live up to his fathers legacy and it wasnt just because it was an out of game event but based on what i knew of Cailan from the game-lore etc it seemed believable) Not only that, but you've skillfully avoided the untouchable fanon character that you see so often. Every one of the Wardens has a tangible and clearly defined weakness(es) that you develop into the story line, making it easier to immerse into the characters story and life because they feel like a real person and not a deity.



I guess the main point Im getting at as to why I truly loved this story so far is the believability from the already established world translating with this new take on the DA:O story. Not only that, but you've managed to do what in my experience many fanfiction writers cannot do - make me care about *your* characterization. Sure, I care about Alistair in the story, but usually that's because I like Alistair from the game and like to see him cropping up. But your characterization of Alistair was both different from the usual and enjoyable to read (just to give an example).



And the humor! You made me laugh out loud several times (Honor wields his stick with no mercy) I love any story that can make me laugh (partially why I loved DA:O so much) and you succeeded marvelously.



Of course there were some things in the story that werent so polished to my inner critic, things that have already been mentioned. I especially agree with Costin in that there is such a focus on the action (which is all done superbly btw) and not enough on the background. The characters keep me in the story, but the backgrounds are what get me there so Im stuck in this awkward half "oo Im immersed!" and "gah, where the hell am I?!" state. Another point was that sometimes Raonar's cunning seems to border on the omniscient. Alim has occasionally come off as super-overpowered but at the same time I realize that A) it's a necessary foil for the mad genius of Raonar and that power is balanced by an "oh god must rest going into coma for days" kind of trade off so that made it both tolerable and believable.

[Glorfindel709]

Overall, absolutely loved your story so far, 9.7 out of 10

[Raonar]

Wow, this is probably the longest review (so to speak) I have ever gotten. Thanks a bunch for taking the time to write it and I'm glad you liked it so far.

Let's see...

So I managed to pretty much stay in character, which is good because I really like to avoid character derailment.

I realize that the protagonist may seem a bit too smart, but trust me, he already made a few mistakes that he's trying to fix (most of them being because of hesitation). The only reason the consequences haven't reared their head yet is because I'm just now getting to the Orzammar part of the plot (next chapter should see that action start if I manage to get it out as I wish).

About Alim: that deal in Ostagar was a one-time thing. He was going to kill himself in that whole mess, but that arrow shot screwed up his plans (and Honor lodged part of himself inside of him until Alim lives up to his side of the deal between them that I have yet to reveal).

And Alim was actually in a coma for weeks. Also, Mages were horribly nerfed in the game. In the books, a lightning can go and leave a big whole through a person wearing massive armor easily (or so I've heard, mages really are powerful in the DA:O Universe).

I'm glad the humor works too, and that I succeeded in making all characters interesting and relevant to the plot.

As for the background, I am working on it. I'll try and throw in more description and hope I manage to create the images well enough.

Modifié par Raonar, 20 décembre 2010 - 08:27 .

[Glorfindel709]

You have a talent for description, so I have faith. Instead of lovingly writing solely about the smooth arc of steel and the flash of arcane power ripping across a battlefield as friend and foe clash in a struggle of gore and skill, expand your approach to talk about the surroundings - vistas of high grass that Faren uses to ambush several unwary gemlocks, a vast picturesque valley rotting from the taint as the Darkspawn march north out of the Kocari wilds, the turbulent winds that drive snow and hail across the paths of the Frostback Mountains.



Description can only give you more things to work off of in the background element

[Raonar]

Coincidentally, I might just have quite a few opportunities to do something of the sort in chapter 34.



Maker/Ancestors help me I guess

[Glorfindel709]

Haha I cannot wait to read it.



Ive actually been kicking around my own DN story that's AU in that Duncan and the Grey Wardens had not arrived in Orzammar yet, so when the DN was charged with fratricide, his supporters in the Assembly and his guilt wracked father pushed to give the exile another option besides walking the Deep Roads alone to die. He was given the option of joining the Legion of the Dead. Several months later Duncan and his fellow Wardens are journeying through the Deep Roads and come across the exiled legionnaire fighting off what's left of a massive darkspawn attack surrounded by the remains of his squad. Grey Wardens move in to help and the legionnaire and as they begin to ask what happens, the DN passes out, having accidently swallowed a small amount of darkspawn blood and becoming poisoned by the darkspawn taint. In order to save him from becoming a ghoul, they conscript him and bring him to Ostagar to go through the joining.



I just am currently waffling on ideas and whether I want to commit to writing it



Kinda

[Raonar]

Well, you expressed yourself more than well enough in that post above so I don't think you'd have any problems putting this idea of yours into writing.

[Glorfindel709]

Yeah but having the basic outline for the origin is one thing; planning out dialogues, important character interaction, sufficient backgrounds, and equipment AND then putting it into writing is vastly different

[Raonar]

Oh trust me, I know (this is where you imagine me rubbing my eyes). Ah well, you'll figure it out.... eventually... maybe...

[Glorfindel709]

Meh, Ive sat down and started doing a draw up and first draft. Fingers crossed eh (this is where you imagine me sitting over a laptop listening to Led Zeppelin and trying to resist the urge to dive for the Tolkien Companion in regards to naming various dwarves that arent already named and slightly important...)

[Raonar]

The really long Chapter 34: A Prankster I Am is now up on FF.net.

[Glorfindel709]

Bravo! Bravo!



Description of the surroundings was flawless! The layout of the slum and the manor was clear as day to my mind, and the descriptions of the weather and Denerim in the new year pulled me right into the chapter. Marvelous!



Plans within plans within plans for Raonar! I swear, sometimes I think about halfway through a chapter I have a vague idea of whats going to happen and then I end up only a 1/4th of the way there.

[Raonar]

Glad i pulled off the exposition well enough.
And would you believe me if I told you that this isn't even half as convoluted as what the protagonist will do later?

Modifié par Raonar, 27 décembre 2010 - 07:23 .

[Glorfindel709]

I'll believe it in a heartbeat and I can't wait to see it



Im still writing Ch 1 of my as of yet untitled DN story (though Im thinking The Grey Legionnaire or something), Im having trouble deciding on how exactly Im going to make the transition from blood thirsty noble to Stone shattering realizations leading to the happy go crazy facade Durin is going to have up until he gets to Orzammar (final treaty of course). Im working on building up the Legion of the Dead into kind of how I think they would be based on the scant info we're given in the Codex and trying to figure out if I want him to be a DW Rogue or DW/S&S warrior... though I already have the ending planned out....(had that done before I even had a character name)

[Raonar]

Wow, you believed me quite easily...



Wait, so your DN was a bloodthirsty noble that killed people left and right?

[Glorfindel709]

I believe you because each plan has become noticeably more complex with every chapter (the only one contrary to this being Orzammar and hiding Trian because we dont know everything about whats going to happen in Orzammar yet) but with the sheer elaboratness that went into this New Year Prank I expect sheer insanity for when, to quote my friend Tupac "sh!t gets serious"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He didnt kill people left and right, but he certainly took part in the "politics" of Orzammar out of ambition and self-preservation. My plan is for him to confront Trian and kill him, trusting Bhelen to be telling the truth only to realize that Bhelen fooled them both into gunning for the other. Endrin, embarrassed by the kinslaying in the family and wanting to preserve the good name of Aeducan, pushes to allow Durin to be heard by the Assembly rather than the wash Bhelen pulls in the origins. Durin, shocked that he was tricked by Bhelen into killing his elder brother and falling from his entitled position as the most loved of the Kings children to being alone and friendless begs to be allowed to join the Legion to atone for his crime and restore honor to his family.

This takes place in 9:29 so when the Wardens come along to search the Darkspawn for signs of an archdemon in 9:30 he'll have changed drastically (after all, surviving a year in the outfit that is so deadly and dangerous they give you a funeral before you leave for duty is going to change and twist you) culminating in him being removed from the Deep Roads against his will via Right of Conscription due to becoming infected with the taint during a pitched battle in which the rest of his platoon died.

Modifié par Glorfindel709, 27 décembre 2010 - 08:22 .

[Raonar]

Ah, so that's it. You'll have to make sure to explain just why he believed Bhelen. if he really did know how to play Orzammar politics, he should have a strong reason not to mistrust Bhelen.



My own character, as you saw, refused to play politics in the exact sense (he refuses to play games with peoples' lives). Instead, he circumvented most plots and had schemers bang heads against one another. As for how convoluted the saving Trian thing is, I'll just say that people have barely seen half of that whole scheme (or less).

[Glorfindel709]

Durin and Bhelen are going to have a close relationship - Trian is *solely* concerned with self advancement and ensuring his place as heir-apparent so that left the two younger brothers to watch out for each other. Bhelen specifically had previously used his contacts within the more *ahem* looser castes in society to foil several attempts to either kill or shame Durin and Durin had been Bhelens' champion in several Honor provings in conflicts between House Vollney(Bhelen insulted their patriarch by refusing to even consider a union with one of his older daughters after having been found 'unescorted' in her quarters) and Dace (trade dispute [the one you do in Dwarf Noble origins] and things of that nature. As far as Durin had been concerned, it was just the two close brothers watching each others backs as always. And even after hes' been betrayed, Durin still respects Bhelen for how well he played "the game" of politics, maneuvering himself into a position of power so suddenly that it left many of the Assemblys heads spinning.



Its' going to culminate in a big underlying theme for Orzammar about the sin of rampant ambition and the decay of honor. Granted, I dont know who Durin will side with. On one hand, when they join the Legion they give up who they were in life to fight unencumbered in 'death' so he could never be an Aeducan again, but on the other hand that close relationship the two brothers share cant just be destroyed from a single (granted monstrous) betrayal, nor can an ingrained sense of loyalty to ones Ancestors be ignored.



Orzammar is going to be *so* complicated to write (assuming I ever get there)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See, I liked that Raonar didnt play politics in the way that the rest of the Nobles do, but in Durins' case, he accepted a "if you cant beat them with different rules, join their game and turn their rules against them" mentality

[Raonar]

Ah, so you're making it heavily AU (Alternate universe). In the game, Bhelen isn't known to have accomplished anything and it's actually Trian that seems to pay him more attention, if anyone, though it is of the very annoying sort.

That, and it seems to be implied that Bhelen has actually been messing around mostly with noble hunters, not noblewomen.

Though you'll leave people wondering just why Bhelen suddenly turned turncoat on Durin after saving his ass in the past.

EDIT

Oh, and from what Train's journal says, Trian is actually very concerned with the wellbeing of house Aeducan as a whole (Alliance between House Aeducan and House Helmi must be kept strong, he says). He also says how he tries to keep his siblings (Bhelen at least) aware of their duties as princes. Overall, he mostly means well, though he is a bit oblivious and gruff.

I tale it your Trian is more of a self-absorbed ass?

Modifié par Raonar, 27 décembre 2010 - 09:51 .

[Glorfindel709]

The origin is going to be heavily AU, due to the shock that needs to happen to cause a plausible character shift in Durin. He needs to be shocked to the core, to have his fundamental beliefs challenged to the point that he attempts to re-invent himself once he joins the Legion. Im still going to have Trian giving him the annoying sort of attention, but growing up (with my admittedly limited knowledge of nobility) with the eldest son being the primary inheritor, it has historically lead to either alliances in the second/third sons to either destabilize power or to protect themselves from paranoid attempts to remove them (again, assuming the second son wasnt given a position in the Church and the third a high rank in the Guard or military). Even though Durin is favored by the Assembly, I still feel that it would be natural for the second sons to join together in an alliance of sorts. And besides that, Orzammar politics is kind of like Orlais in that in public theres the semblence of honor but in the shadows back-dealing, assassinations, and blackmail happen daily - no one necessarily knows that Bhelen is the one with the contacts



Bhelen to me as always come off as the type who always wanted more. More women, more power, more control, etc. I can see him getting on with noblehunters (I mean whats one more sword arm to add to your side of the family, right?) but at the same time theres the thrill with other Noblewomen of the forbidden.



Again, its all coming to the seeds of corruption and rampant ambition destroying Orzammar bit by bit, turning brother against brother and allies against each other in a constant warring bid for power. Bhelen, who always knew that he was last in line for the power that he so craved saw an opportunity and took it.



Trian is concerned with the wellbeing of House Aeducan, primarily because the wellbeing of House Aeducan is directly related to his own seat of power when his father returns to the Stone (in my view). He needs to maintain alliances and make them stronger because he knows that his younger brother is favored by the assembly and if he's going to have a chance in hell he needs to come off as the best Aeducan candidate. Being directly involved in alliances tends to make those your involved with more favorable to you then the unseen sibling, aye?



And yes, Trian is more concerned with his own seat of power than anything else (as are all of the Aeducan brothers(at least initially). Its' a great tragedy, really. A once noble house corrupted by ambition and grief, falling from the highest pedestal to ruin based on the actions of ignoble sons)

[Glorfindel709]

I've never really done this before, so it all seems kind of scatterbrained and mashed together :-/ the most fiction writing Ive done is some short stories set in a Sci/Fi universe of my own creation so Im not used to working the parameters of an already established world

[Raonar]

Well, I never did anything of this sort before I started writing this fiction either , so you don't need to worry about THAT overmuch.

[Glorfindel709]

Im just having so much trouble getting it off the ground >.< I get out the Palace Doors, read what I have so far, and scrap it to restart it >.<

[Sarah1281]

Glorfindel709 wrote...

culminating in him being removed from the Deep Roads against his will via Right of Conscription due to becoming infected with the taint during a pitched battle in which the rest of his platoon died.

What exactly do you mean by this? The DN is actually the only one where Duncan won't pull RoC on you since the only thing he could do if you wouldn't go is kill you and the point of a member of the legion or someone condemned to die in the deep roads is to die. Does Duncan kidnap him or convince him that as a GW he has the right to conscript him even if he can't really back it up?