Hi guys, just dropping in here to ask your opinions. I'm writing a wee bit of ff in an Agatha Christie murder mystery style (set in the 1920's) that has Tali as the romance for John Shepard - this bit is where John finally meets Tali - (he saw her briefly in Venice and was captivated) They are now travelling the Normandy Express to Paris.
Finally his objective was in reach.
He gave a small cough to catch her attention; she startled and turned as he spoke.
“Ahhh hello, I couldn’t help noticing……noticing…” what was he noticing? It was her eyes that he couldn’t help noticing, but saying that would be too forward. “I couldn’t help noticing you looking out the window, are you enjoying the scenery?” He almost closed his eyes in mute frustration of the words that came out of his mouth but instead continued to grin at her; he must have looked and sounded like a buffoon he thought.
She spoke, her accent and voice softly lyrical “Yes I am thank you, but the train is moving too fast for me to truly enjoy.” John could see the faint shape of a wide smirk beneath her opaque veil. What he wouldn’t do to see those lips completely uncovered.
“Yes well I hope you continue to enjoy, because it’s……. quite enjoyable Miss …..”
“Zorah, Tali Zorah.” She stretched her gloved hand out and looked at him expectantly, he continued to grin inanely staring into her eyes, until she said “and you are….?”
“Oh yes sorry, yes I’m John Shepard.” Taking her hand in the process.
“Pleased to make your acquaintance Mr Shepard.”
“Likewise Miss Zorah.” John thought over his next move, time for a smooth exit line the only place this conversation had left to go and as he let go of her hand asked. “Will I be seeing you around Miss Zorah?”
“Well it’s a small train and only has one formal dining car Mr Shepard so I would say that it’s highly likely.”
“Ahh yes, that’s true, I hope you continue to enjoy your enjoyment.” He nodded a curt goodbye and moved rapidly towards the lounge. He could hear a very faint giggling in the background as he left.
“What an idiot you are John, ‘enjoy your enjoyment?’ what were you thinking man.” He muttered to himself. He’d never been so nervous around a woman in his life, not even with ……he shook his head, no, not going there, he’d probably already ruined things with his idiotic rambling, he didn’t want his recollection of her lovely violet eyes being spoilt by memories of Virmire Beach.
Ok questions:
Is this introduction of the 2 characters ok?
Is John too Klutzy?
Tali's eye colour - is violet appropriate or do you think they would be darker?
Thanks!