Okay so here is the Bob prompt that started them all:
"There were times Alistair almost wished he'd never left the Chantry."
The last six months had really weighed on Alistair.
First Ostagar, where he lost Duncan and anyone he really called a friend. Except for Bob the dwarf who had showed up the day before that is. Then having to deal with Morrigan, and Flemeth, then having to avoid assassins, than having to fulfill treaties, then having to fight a civil war, than having to keep an odd group of crazies working toghther. Added all together the events of the last half a year really had weighed on him.
Currently they were in Denerim looking for a Brother Genitivi to get the Urn of Sacred Ashes to cure Arl Eamon since he had being poisoned, by Loghain.. The party had split up to cover more ground and currently he was with Bob looking around the market district, and keeping a look on the former Carta member. No matter how many times Sten, Wynne, Leliana, or he told him to stop it, Bob had an ability to get "Grey Warden Taxes" from most people.
Made only worse by Zevran and Morrigan egging him on, or that fence Slim Couldry who swapped crime stories like old buddies when they were in town.
If he had never left the chantry he would not have seen or done so many things. Like learning what makes a good poison, and how to properly burgle both people and property from Bob. Alistair liked Bob all well and good, but sometimes it was distressing to watch him so casually pilfer things. and act like nothing was wrong. He didnt rob from people who were in trouble though, and Alistair had to admit he laughed seeing Morrigan fume when Bob gave out money to people, and offered his sage advice on life. Although most of it was about where to hit people for the best effect, and old dwarven sayings that made no sense. Still its the thought that counts Alistair realized, and most of the time Bob didnt get into to much trouble.
Currently Alistair was talking to another bored merchant in the market called Gorim, who sadly didnt know where the Brother was staying, just like the last twenty some odd people. Sighing and looking behind himself Alistair realized that he was alone, and Bob was nowhere to be seen.
"Oh maker this cant be good" Alistair thought. The last time Bob wandered off in Denerim. he managed to come back with three pairs of boots, and book about Orlesian Silks. All of which he was quite proud off.
Trying to look for him, Alistair moved through the crowd and started calling for his fellow warden. At times like these he wished he had not left the chantry While in the chantry you dont have a lyrium addled dwarf for a friend who likes to run off and cause bedlam and anarchy just to keep his skills sharp. Turning around frantically he tried to see him, but still couldn't.
"Having problems there O' Salroka of mine?" came an amused voice from behind him.
Looking behind him Alistair saw Bob, looking back up at him with a completely innocent look on his face, and he seemed to not be carry anything that he wasn't before. outside of two candy apples.
"Caramel Candy Apple?" Bob asked holding one up for him, Taking it Alistair looked at it with some suspiciousness, to make sure it was clean, he knew that Bob had a very large tolerance for most foods(no matter how dirty), that frankly scared him sometimes.
"Its clean Alistair I just bought it from an old elf lady, over there from her stall" Bob assured him. Then Bob promptly started eating his own candy apple and started to walk south from the market.
Breathing a sigh of relief alistair started eating the candy apple Bob handed him, and asked him "where are you going?"
"To Brother Genateeve's house of course it's over there" Bob replied pointing to an non descript house he had walked past a few dozen times.
"Its Brother GENITIVI, Bob, Genitivi" Alistair corrected him.
"Plus how do you know that the house over there is his?" Alistair asked him.
"Oh one of the Tranquil mages in the Wonder of Thedas knew about him and told me." Bob answered while trying to lick at some of the caramel dripping off the apple.
"What were you doing back there, thats a few streets back from the market" Alistair asked in a slightly worried tone.
"Oh Mr Slim pointed me at a mark, and a place to break in so I did that while you were asking people about Brother Gentativi" Bob replied.
"Its Brother- oh nevermind, wait you said Slim Couldrey pointed out MORE places to rob for you!!" Alistair almost screamed.
"Not so loud salroka" Bob reprimanded him, "and yes I managed to get all this stuff in around half an hour" Bob finished. Opening his pouch that he wore around his side, Alistair looked into it and saw some silver bars. a good number of gold sovereigns . and a few ornamental jewels shinning in the bottom of it.
Alistair had never felt his face fall off, his stomach tighten up, and his eyes nearly pop out of his face in the same instant before. It was a feeling that he hoped to never feel again after today.
When he finally was able to say something all that came from his mouth was:
"umm... good work I guess?"
"It was not problem really, just convinced a lady to take off her clothes than pass out. Had some troubles getting the jewels off her sword, but the Tranquil fellow loaned me a small hammer when I asked real nice." Bob responded.
Before Alistair could interject Bob continued
"The silver was all in this warehouse near there, but had all these guards in it so I lit a fire to get them distrated enough, so I could grab the silver" Bob continued as if he wasn't talking about Arson, and robbery.
"YOU LIT A BUILDING ON FIRE!!" Alistair yelled out.
"Keep your voice down salroka, I only lit some straw bundles on fire so they saw some flames and smoke, then I ran through the building sceaming FIRE, FIRE the building is on FIRRREEE!!" Bob let out a small laugh and then continued.
"Most where flat out drunk so they all ran around screaming fire! FIRE! and went out the front door, than I grabbed the loot and ran out the back door again" Bob at this point was smiling up at Alistair and seemed quite proud of himself.
"Just got to find a fence before we leave town though since I dont wont to carry this all over" Bob finished. "Oh look here we are, and I got to finish my story". overall Bob seemed very proud of himself.
As for Alistair he was so amazed and horrified at the same time that he was unable to really say anything as Bob went up and kicked on the door a few times.
"Sometimes I wish I never left the chantry" Alistair thought to himself and took another bite of his candy apple. But then that would be very dull compared to this life really.
So there is a short about my lyrium addled DC Bob Brosca.
Who shares some similarities with Nobby Nobbs from Discworld it seems.