The Hardest Thing
Author’s Note: I’m using one of the new hardening lines found in cmess’s IRS-A mod.
~*~
Alistair walked back to camp with the others, turning over what had happened in Denerim in his mind. They had gone to the capital to see if Brother Genitivi had made it back safely and to re-provision before going to seek out the Dalish in the Brecilian Forest. As they walked through the square, he’d realized that Goldana’s house was nearby. He had stopped Lya, asking if maybe they could see if she was there. She had agreed they could check for Goldana when he asked her several weeks ago, but he didn’t want to go alone.
She hadn’t hesitated, just sent Zevran and Leliana off to find the supplies they needed and walked with him to the house. He wondered now what he honestly had thought was going to happen when he went. Goldana had been a shrew and she had no reason to accept him. He should have known it was going to go poorly. All his ideas went poorly. Well, he amended privately, not all of them. The rose thing had gone over fairly well—that and the kissing. Definitely the kissing.
He looked up as Lya walked in front of him, chatting with Leliana about some shoes they had seen in a shop window. Alistair knew without question that he loved her. His feelings for her had grown over the months since they had met. At first she had been a rock for him, something to cling to when he felt like he was drowning. She was like that for all of them, he realized. Always kind, always understanding—ready with a warm word or sharp blade, whichever was needed at the moment.
And as time passed, she became more—first his leader and comrade, and then a friend. They talked a lot, and she opened up to him, sharing little details of her life. And he began to see her as far more than just a good friend, as more than someone to share stolen kisses with. He thought she might even feel the same way about him. They had been growing closer, kissing and touching and being together almost all the time, but it always stopped there. And he wanted more.
It was more than just lust and need. He had desired women before, but Lya was different. He realized he hadn’t wanted another woman since he met her. Not that there was much time for that, what with all the fighting for their lives and killing monsters and saving the world, but no woman had even captured his attention. Every time he saw a pretty girl, he inevitably found himself comparing her to Lya and they all came up short.
“You’re not an idiot, but you need to stand up for yourself.”
Lya said that to him after they left Goldana’s. She had seemed sad for him that he didn’t find what he was looking for, but she didn’t try to comfort him or, thankfully, pity him. Something about what had happened at Goldana’s bothered her, and he didn’t think it was being called a tart.
“You need to stand up for yourself.”
Should he? Should he be selfish like that and look out for himself first? Was that what she wanted? It didn’t seem like something Lya would advise people to do, not when she spent so much time putting others first herself. His thoughts continued to churn as they finally approached camp. Their arrival was greeted with great enthusiasm. They had acquired fresh food, new clothes and, most importantly, soap. The entire camp became a flurry of activity as laundry was done, clothes and tents mended, and Wynne set a delicious stew to simmer by the fire. The sun started to go down, and all four women and the dog headed off in the direction of the river to bathe.
Alistair, Zevran and Sten listened to the laughter and talking that came from the water. Zevran lay back against a log set by the fire, a knowing smile on his lips as the feminine shrieks and laughter drifted to them. Alistair couldn’t even pretend to be offended because his thoughts were in the exact same place. Something in his expression must have given that away because Zevran winked at him and Alistair immediately felt flustered, his cheeks and ears going red.
The women eventually came back, and Alistair headed out to the river quickly, followed by Zevran and Sten. With all the traveling they did, being clean was a luxury. He took his time scrubbing off the accumulated dirt in grime from both his body and the clothes he wore. There was still enough light that he could shave using the small mirror he carried and he attended to that task as well. Growing a beard would probably easier while living on the road, but he never felt comfortable with more than a few days’ worth of growth.
The last of the light started to die, and they heard Wynne calling them for supper. They sat around the campfire eating Wynne’s excellent stew and fresh bread, another luxury picked up in Denerim. Talk between the companions was quiet and lazy, with even Sten joining in, so relaxing was the atmosphere. Alistair watched Lya as the evening wore on. Dishes were done and the women were brushing out and attending to their hair now that it was dry. He watched Lya braid that one small lock of hair, watched as she sewed a missing button back onto a pair of pants, watched as she trimmed nails grown jagged from fighting and camping.
“You need to stand up for yourself.”
What if she didn’t mean for him to be selfish? What if all she meant was that he should decide what he wanted for himself and not let everyone else just use him? Maybe she meant he should take what he wanted to be happy. Others certainly seemed to do so. Why shouldn’t he do the same? The only problem lay in the fact that there was only one thing he really wanted just for himself.
The others drifted off to their tents slowly. Leliana was taking first watch, Sten would take second and Zevran would finish the night off. Lya sat before the fire for a while longer, lingering by the heat of the dancing flames. Eventually they were the last two left and she stretched and stood, turned towards her tent. Alistair scrambled to his feet, deciding to act and not think about consequences for once.
“Lya.”
His voice stopped her and she turned back to him, tilting her face up to his as he drew closer to her. His palms were sweating and his throat was dry. Andraste’s flaming sword, he had never been this nervous in his life. He sent a fervent prayer to the Maker, Andraste, and any other being that was listening: Please, please, let me get this right.
“All right. I guess I really don’t know how to ask you this.”
“Ask me what?” she said softly.
“Oh, how do I say this? You’d think it would be easier, but every time I’m around you, I feel as if my head’s about to explode. I-I can’t think straight.”
Her lips curved up in a small smile, the directness of her gaze that always cut to the core of him tempered with laughter. “I feel the same way.”
That made it better, that little bit of humor took the edge off and he found himself responding with the teasing that came effortlessly to him now when he was around her. “Well, I hope you mean the head exploding thing in a good way.
“Here’s the thing: being near you makes me crazy, but I can’t imagine being without you. Not ever.” He said those last two words with all the feeling he could. He saw her eyes widen and hoped he conveyed how true they were. He never knew how empty his life was until she filled it and the thought of her not being with him someday was unbearable. He rushed on. “I don’t know how to say this another way. I want to spend the night with you. Here, in the camp. Maybe this is too fast, I don’t know, but…I know what I feel.”
Her eyes grew even wider, if that were possible, and the smile on her lips fell away. She looked at him gravely, her lips parted in surprise. “You want to spend the night? Are you sure?” she whispered, and he wondered if he had messed everything up.
Maker she wasn’t making this easy for him. He swallowed hard before continuing. “I wanted to wait for the perfect time, the perfect place…but when will it be perfect? If things were, we wouldn’t even have met. We sort of…stumbled into each other, and despite this being the least perfect time, I still found myself falling for you in between all the fighting and everything else.
“I really don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve…I’ve never done this before. You know that. I want it to be with you…while we have the chance. In case….”
She stepped forward, placing her fingers gently over his lips to keep him from continuing. She slipped her arms around him and his own came up to pull her close. “I thought you’d never ask,” she whispered huskily as their lips met.
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