121 réponses à ce sujet

[Nightwriter]

That was great, Nocturnal. Mass Effect doesn't have enough sports in it. I want to hear about Urban Combat and Biotic Jousting!

[NocturnalStillness]

Thanks glad you liked it. I'll try and come up with some more.

[Nightwriter]

I'll take a shot at some Mass Effect news. This is about your squadmates' lack of hardsuits on the Flotilla:

A severe illness has swept across three ships in the Migrant Fleet, and it looks to be the biggest outbreak in at least seven years.

“Recently,” reported one Flotilla official, “a foreign ship visited the Migrant Fleet on official quarian business. The ship captain disembarked with a quarian teammate and another teammate who was only wearing a holographic breathing mask instead of a full suit.” The contagions that spread to the fleet from the visitor's exposed skin has over 3000 in the hospital, and more arriving each day.

When asked why the quarian fleet did not stop the visitor once they realized they were not fully suited, the quarians answered, “We just thought we’d pretend it wasn’t happening.” When pressed, they further explained, somewhat defensively, “It worked for the Council.”

Not all quarians are happy with their Fleet’s neglect of protocol.

“I have to stay hooked to an excretion tube all day because of the diarrhea,” says one quarian as she sits mournfully at a toilet-like apparatus which connects her suit to a feces siphon. “I was turned into a sh*t machine because Commander Shepard’s crew couldn’t keep their boobs in their shirts.”

“It was that Commander and his ridiculously dressed entourage,” snaps one old man. “Their clothing is impractical and immodest. I had to get a windshield wiper installed for the inside of my helmet because I keep sneezing, and since I’m crippled they have to lift me over to the poop tube every time I have to go. The crew of the Normandy SR2 should be shot.”

“I refuse to comment,” says one Admiral Qwib-Qwib. “I did nothing incorrect. It was a public trial and I see nothing wrong with a public display of breasts. I summoned those breasts to that trial one way or another and I expect them to be there. The public has a right to see the accused and any bosoms the accused brings with them.”

Modifié par Nightwriter, 11 août 2010 - 11:11 .

[Jamer21]

NocturnalStillness wrote...

This seems like an interesting topic so I thought I'd have a go, here are a couple of Galactic News reports

***

This afternoon several shops on the Citadel have approached the council after accusing each other of faking an endorsement from Commander Shepard. Apparently all three shop owners claim to have a geniune endorsement from the Spectre each having Shepard say it is his favourite shop on the citadel. More news to follow...

***

I thought there would be consequences for doing that in every shop but nothing happened I was kinda disappointed I didn't get to see the shop owners fight over who had the legit endorsement.

[Mallissin]

Why you gotta make the Salarian's out to be all opinionated? We all know it's the Asari that are all attitude.



Blue hos always declining my chit. What's wrong with my chit, yo? Damn, girls...give a salarian a break.

[Nightwriter]

Lol. We know next to nothing about salarian females, and I wanted to give this one a personality.



"Jerks and saints in every race", and all that.

[Cra5y Pineapple]

Nightrider deserves an oscar.

Anyway, how about one starring Harbinger and Sovereign? Although a cannonical impossibility...



Sovereign: RUDIMENTARY CREATURES OF BLOOD AND FLESH

Harbinger: THAT WHICH YOU KNOW AS REAPERS HAVE CREATED A RADIO BROADCAST ON 9000FM.

Sovereign: YOU MAY THINK WE WILL STRIKE FEAR INTO ORGANICS CONCERNING OUR INVASION OF THE GALAXY AND DESTRUCTION OF SPACE FARING CIVILIZATION.

Harbinger: INSTEAD WE OFFER THE ILLUSION CREATED BY THE PUNY MINDS OF ORGANICS TO PRODUCE ENTERAINMENT OVER RADIO BROADCASTING CHANNELS. WE KNOW YOU FEEL THIS...ENTERTAINMENT.

Sovereign: TODAY WE SPEAK WITH A GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, COUNCILLOR VELARN.

Councillor Velarn: Good Evening geth ships.

Sovereign: WE ARE BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION OF GETH SHIPS, WE ARE THE VANGUARDS OF YOUR DESTRUCTION. WE ARE REAPERS.

Councillor Velarn: Ah yes, R-

Harbinger: DON'T SAY IT!

Councillor Velarn: Why?

Harbinger: EVERY TIME YOU DISMISS CLAIMS OF REAPERS, A REAPER SOMEWHERE DIES.

Councillor Velarn: But they don't exsist!

Sovereign: -Explodes-

Harbinger: GODDAMMIT WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, IS THAT NOT EVIDENCE?

Councillor Velarn: You're getting seriously OOC here Harbinger. Are you developing emotions?

Harbinger: -Lazers Councillor- COME BACK LATER WHEN OUR NEXT GUEST, JACOB TAYLOR AND I WILL BE SINGING A DUET. THIS EXCHANGE IS NOW OVER.

Modifié par Cra5y Pineapple, 11 août 2010 - 11:07 .

[Nightwriter]

LOL

[TMA LIVE]

Alright, here's my episode of Galaxy Radio (or whatever we're going to call it), with some additions from Night. 

------- 

Cue cheesy intro music. 


Salarian Female: Let's talk about humanity. I want to talk about humanity. 

Turian: (flips page of porno) Ok... 

Salarian Female: Because I really, really want to talk about humanity, and all the things they're doing. 

Turian: (flips a page) Such as? 

Salarian Female: Such as... how they're completely, and utterly screwing us up! 

Arari: Excuse me? 

Elcor: (alarmed) Should we be talking about this to our audience? 

Turian: How's this news?  

Asari: Since when did this turn into a - 

Salarian Female: No, no, no. It's not what you think. This isn't anti-human... Well, not really... 

Asari: Ok then... what do you mean? 

Salarian Female: I mean... how we're downscaling ourselves to them. 

Turian: WHAT!? 

Asari: WHAT?! 

Elcor: (surprised with no understanding of what's being implide) What? 

Salarian Female: I mean... how we're changing ourselves to be just like them. 

Turian: I don't know what you mean? 

Salarian Female: I mean... think about it. Ever since they came to Council Space, we've been trying to copy them! 

Asari: Can you give an example? 

Female Salarian: You're smoking a cigarette. 

Asari: .... (coughs) So? 

Female Salarian: And you? What are you wearing? 

Elcor: (concerned) I'm wearing glasses. 

Salarian Female: But you don't need them! We got eye care now! 

Elcor: (Shameful but... thinking of the right word... whatever) I like my glasses. 

Female Salarian: And you! What kind of gun do you use on duty? 

Turian: I use a shotgun. 

Salarian Female: There! You see! We got shotguns, we got assault rifles, we got rocket launchers! Yet, WHERE THE HELL DID OUR RAY GUNS GO!? 
(pause) 
Hell, don't you even remember what we had before? We didn't have tanks! We had TRIPODS MACHINES! We didn't have bullets, we had LASER BEAMS! What the hell happen to the LASER BEAMS! 

Turian: We had laser beams? 

Salarian Female: Yes! But no! Now that the humans are here, we have Thermal Clips! Hell, we now even have to reload! RELOAD! 

Turians: (flips a page) I think you're being a bit picky. 

Elcor:(correcting) Actually, thermal clips exist because - 

Female Salarian: I don't want to hear it! That's bull****, and you know it! 

Elcor: (pathetically) Ok... 

Asari: I'm 500 years old, and I don't remember ray guns... 

Salarian Female: Besides, look what's happening now. Guns are everywhere! Everyone has a gun! Have we ever been this bad with gun control before the humans showed up? 

Elcor: (pitifully) I don't have a gun. 

Asari: What on earth you're talking about? You can't blame the humans for that. 

Salarian Female: What on earth are YOU talking about! I don't know any asari on EARTH! 

Asari: I... Wait! What? 

Salarian Female: See! We're even stealing their words! 

Turian: (flips a page) Whatever. 

Salarian Female: Also, before people used to put red sand in their drinks. Now people snort it up their nose! 

Asari: Really? That's disgusting! 

Salarian Female: I know! It doesn't make sense. Why the nose!... Hey! Stop reading that! 

Turian: No. 

Asari: Goddess damn it... is he still reading that? 

Turian: Yep. 

Asari: You disgust me! 

Salarian Female: Hey, Wait! WAIT! That's a magazine, right? 

Turian: Yep. 

Asari: In this day and age? 

Turian: Yep.

Salarian Female: Yeah see! YEAH SEE! They're making use read their stupid crap, and stup to their stupid minds! Stupid! STUPID! 

Turian: I think you should calm down.

Salarian female: And you know what else?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?! Since the humans showed up, when is the last time anybody saw a female turian?! 

Turian: Ah… 

Asari: Well – 

Elcor: (quietly) Oh, dear. 

Salarian female: WHAT’S GOING ON? DO THEY EVEN EXIST ANYMORE?! WHERE DID THE FEMALE ELCOR GO?! THE FEMALE BATARIANS?! THE FEMALE HANAR?! 

Asari: Well, I… now that you mention it… 

Turian: Well obviously they went somewhere... 

Elcor: (frightened) I’m scared! 

Salarian female: WHERE ARE THE FEMALE SALARIANS? ARE THEY REAL?! AM I REAL?! WHAT IF I DON’T EXIST ANYMORE?! 

Elcor: (desperately) Jesus Christ! 

Asari: Oh my goddess, is she - 

Turian: She's thinking too fast! 

Salarian Female: You SEE! YOU SEE! NOW YOUR DOING IT TOO! YET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT JESUS MEANS! IT'S COOL WORD! THAT! YES! YES!!! YES!!! YOU'RE USING IT BECAUSE - 

Elcor: (horrified but trying to remain calm) Juda... Please... slow down...

Salarian Female: - YOU THINK IT'S COOL WORD! BUT IT HAS NO MEANING FOR YOU! YES! YES, YES! YOU SEE! THEY'RE MAKING US HUMAN! HUMAN! HUMAN! 

(sound of someone falling to the floor) 

Asari: Oh no... 

Turian: My God... 

Arari: Is she dead? 

Elcor: (commanding) Stand back... I'm a doctor. 

Voice Over: We'd like to interrupt for a short break. 

Cue cheesy music. 

Modifié par TMA LIVE, 12 août 2010 - 08:24 .

[Mr. niceguy15]

That's good TMA LIVE, sure shows that we have a lot of talented people on the forum. I think this was a great initiative by the OP, and i'll probably make my own episode when i'm not so tired

[Dave of Canada]

Mr. niceguy15 wrote...

Good job, Dave of Canada I think Henry should be a Salarian, Springer strangely reminds me of them

Salarian it is.

[Flying-Jew]

I could help record this, if you want

[Caesar914]

Hi guys, I was the one that said earlier I really liked Andy Dick's skit Gardening with Maurice? Well  I went and found a copy of it and adapted it to Mass Effect. Hope you enjoy  (Also, I don't know if there are rules about swearing or not on the forum, I censored the couple bad ones, sorry mods if I missed any!)

________________________________________

Announcer: "The number one show for vegetables on the Newsnet. Now for your favorite salarian botanist, it's Gardening with Jaurice!"

Jaurice: "Ok, we are back, in the garden! I'm Jaurice, and we must answer nature's call. Going to the comm terminal. Greetings, garden-lover, what's your name?"

Asari: "Hi, my name's Drish."

Jaurice: "Ok, is that short for Badricia?"

Asari: "Uh, yeaaah." 

Jaurice: "Oh, then, what I asked, is what your name was, not the nickname your naive fist-pumping Eclipse friends call you at the rallies. Maybe you should do less red sand, and learn to try a bit harder. Next caller!"

Salarian Woman: "Hi, my name is Holleena, and my husband has a topiary problem."

Jaurice: "Oooooh, this sounds seeerious!"

Salarian Woman: "Well, he started off small-scale, just recreational trimming, you know, doing turians and asari, the odd human, but it's kinda gotten out of control!"

Jaurice: "Mmm, how so?"

Salarian Woman: "He just can't stop! I mean people think it's all fun and quasar games, but what happens when the party stops? What happens then?"

Jaurice: "Ok, just, just hold the phone, hold the phone and get a grip. At my house when the party stops, we pay the batarian, get rid of the drell, and fifteen elcor start crying in unison."

Salarian Woman: "Well that's your business! My husband's reached bottom! It's terrible! Hanar, rachni, geth, quarians, all of them, carved out of hedges! Volus, varren, pyjaks, you name it, he's made a leafy version!"

Jaurice: "What could be more natural than a fellow salarian trimming a hedge into the shape of a space-faring species? Very therapeutic! Makes a man feel like a god! When you can twist nature to your own perverse entertainment, then you know we've won. Eat me, Solus!"

Salarian Woman: "But now he's trimming bushes into a cruiser, a frigate, and a disruptor torpedo! He runs around with hedgeclippers and screams, 'Trim that bush! And our neighbors'!' He even fashioned a shrub into a figher, with a cockpit, and he sleeps inside it some nights, ohh... He's freakin' out on bush! He needs help. Please. You gotta help me. I - hate - hedges."

Jaurice: "Well, the Protheans loved topiary, and look at their contributions to galactic society. But as they say, if the grass is greener on the other fella's terrace, then you fertilize his offspring when the dad's offworld. Ok, next caller! Whoops, hold on a second, I'm blossoming. There we go, all done."

Krogan: "My name's Grenry. I w-"

Jaurice: "Are you blossoming?"

Krogan: "I - guess I am. I've really come into my own the past few months since I joined a cult and wired credits in exchange for spiritual happiness - and letting everyone take turns on my female. Anyway, I have a lovely garden. Mostly carnivorous plants. A Tuchanka varrentrap reminds me of my mother. She's on the Purgatory now. Anyway, it's so fascinating how a young plant catches lifeforms and eats them. I started with hanar jellies, and now mine can swallow a whole vorcha! Or a small varren, if I rip it in half first."

Jaurice: "Have you tried any experiments on other krogan?"

Krogan: "Hah, yeah, I've been working on that."

Jaurice: "Good man, good man! See, the secret of biology is once something is at the height of beauty and potential, it is time for it to wither and die. A bit like the Asari Empire! Because look at that whole place withering and dying right before our eyes - it's run by a queen! And if she had a heavy pistol, she'd be the king. Luckily in this galaxy we don't know the meaning of the word hubris. But hell, I'm all over the place here, it's so easy to get out of control when you're doing something that comes natural. Line two, you're on Gardening with Jaurice."

Elcor: "Eagerly, yeah, my name is Serrence-"

Jaurice: "Can I call you, 'Selly-Welly'?"

Elcor: "... Hesitant, uh, sure, I guess, I'm growing flowers, but sometimes I get really angry and fly off the high gravity ground and commit herbicide... Horrified, I don't mean to, I say, 'Shocked, I didn't mean it baby, you'll be alright!' Depressed, then I wear a diaper and uncontrollably release pheromones for two days."

Jaurice: "A flower is nothing more than an educated weed. And like all weeds, all living things need to be extinguished. Like a life support apparatus, or a cigarette! Which I won't be able to smoke anymore if the fascists on the Citadel have anything to say about it with that damn Council Space Proposition 1421... Tobacco is a plant, people! And if it comes out of the ground, we should be able to smoke it! Like eezo! And hallex plants! Next caller!"

Volus: "Yeah, I got a question. Why is everybody on the radio named Jaurice?"

Jaurice: "God, I pray to the great gardener of the universe that you've been fixed! I hope they snipped your ammonia sack off, because spreading your spore could be a disaster! Do you - do you have a question? A question? God, so many vegetables on this show. Tards!"

Volus: "Yeah, that krogan was talking about creatures and plants that eat them. I have a better solution. Put chemicals foreign to your species in the irrigation sprinklers. My children love it. I mean, the ones that lived."

Jaurice: "Oh, lovely. You're a lovely little volus, you f#$king imbecile. You morons on this station are spreading like weeds. Like tiny bastard vorcha, I wish I could just pop every one of your g*ddamn heads off. Hello line eight, you're on Gardening with Jaurice!"

Human: "Yeah, I heard what you said about bonsai trees, and you know what? You can stick that green thumb up your alien ****."

Jaurice: "Ho-ho-ho, yes! Another arrogant human who grows miniature plants, so he can feel like a Reaper. A real man loves enormous trees, that he can have his way with! Chopping them down, and using the wood to fashion toy mechs, and - and suggestive whirly-gigs. Ok, we're out of time. Literally. But again, like a seed sewn during terraforming, or a thresher maw spore from outer space, the garden goes on. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole at the edge of your colony, and plant yourself!"

Announcer: "That was the show that generates more extranet hits than any other. On Citadel Newsnet. Gardening with Jaurice!"

 

[uzivatel]

Great idea, I would love to be able to listen to some radio station while driving around the city in stolen car.

edit: wrong thread and probably wrong game, this is all about random messages

Modifié par uzivatel, 12 août 2010 - 07:22 .

[Mallissin]

Alright, I've had it! You stop picking on the salarians, right now!



Otherwise the mating agreement is off!

[ThatDancingTurian]

Three things.



First, this is a completely awesome idea.



Second, that thing with the salarians dying of old age during elcor Hamlet is possibly the most hilarious thing I have ever read, ever.



Third, the talk radio segment is brilliant. And I support more of the turian saying 'here we go...' like it's his catchphrase or something.

[Dave of Canada]

Mallissin wrote...

Alright, I've had it! You stop picking on the salarians, right now!

Otherwise the mating agreement is off!

I never wanted it in the first place, don't even know why my parents set us up.

[TMA LIVE]

Testing for formate reasons:

COMMERCIAL

FEMALE VOICE OVER: Shadow Broker got dirt on you? Have an old grudge with the Silhouette of Scoops? Then Liara T'soni is right for you!

Cue Cheesy 80’s music.

FEMALE VOICE OVER: Liara T’soni is one of Nos Astra’s most respected Information Brokers. In a few short years, she has amassed a sizable network of connections unlike any other Asari.

LIARE T’SONI: Hello. My name is Liara T’soni, and I plan on killing the Shadow Broker. However, for this to happen, I need you, the people of this galaxy, to stand up, and help me to achieve this goal. Information is my business, and if that is what you need, let me know.

FEMALE VIOCE OVER: If the answer is yes, then don’t waste another minute. Call Liara T’soni. Her time, and her service, for only half the price! Plus a hot thermal mug, and balloons for the kids!

Modifié par TMA LIVE, 13 août 2010 - 12:48 .

[H2Ape]

I'd prefer Galaxy News Radio. Bringing you the truth, no matter how bad it hurts.

[TMA LIVE]

I'm more of just testing the copy and pasting from Word to this, thus I just whipped up a test. Sometimes you get all kinds of bad side effects for doing that. You'll be getting more Galaxy News Radio if people want it.

Modifié par TMA LIVE, 12 août 2010 - 08:30 .

[Nightwriter]

Caesar914 wrote...

Hi guys, I was the one that said earlier I really liked Andy Dick's skit Gardening with Maurice? Well  I went and found a copy of it and adapted it to Mass Effect. Hope you enjoy  (Also, I don't know if there are rules about swearing or not on the forum, I censored the couple bad ones, sorry mods if I missed any!)

________________________________________

Announcer: "The number one show for vegetables on the Newsnet. Now for your favorite salarian botanist, it's Gardening with Jaurice!"

Jaurice: "Ok, we are back, in the garden! I'm Jaurice, and we must answer nature's call. Going to the comm terminal. Greetings, garden-lover, what's your name?"

Asari: "Hi, my name's Drish."

Jaurice: "Ok, is that short for Badricia?"

Asari: "Uh, yeaaah." 

Jaurice: "Oh, then, what I asked, is what your name was, not the nickname your naive fist-pumping Eclipse friends call you at the rallies. Maybe you should do less red sand, and learn to try a bit harder. Next caller!"

Salarian Woman: "Hi, my name is Holleena, and my husband has a topiary problem."

Jaurice: "Oooooh, this sounds seeerious!"

Salarian Woman: "Well, he started off small-scale, just recreational trimming, you know, doing turians and asari, the odd human, but it's kinda gotten out of control!"

Jaurice: "Mmm, how so?"

Salarian Woman: "He just can't stop! I mean people think it's all fun and quasar games, but what happens when the party stops? What happens then?"

Jaurice: "Ok, just, just hold the phone, hold the phone and get a grip. At my house when the party stops, we pay the batarian, get rid of the drell, and fifteen elcor start crying in unison."

Salarian Woman: "Well that's your business! My husband's reached bottom! It's terrible! Hanar, rachni, geth, quarians, all of them, carved out of hedges! Volus, varren, pyjaks, you name it, he's made a leafy version!"

Jaurice: "What could be more natural than a fellow salarian trimming a hedge into the shape of a space-faring species? Very therapeutic! Makes a man feel like a god! When you can twist nature to your own perverse entertainment, then you know we've won. Eat me, Solus!"

Salarian Woman: "But now he's trimming bushes into a cruiser, a frigate, and a disruptor torpedo! He runs around with hedgeclippers and screams, 'Trim that bush! And our neighbors'!' He even fashioned a shrub into a figher, with a cockpit, and he sleeps inside it some nights, ohh... He's freakin' out on bush! He needs help. Please. You gotta help me. I - hate - hedges."

Jaurice: "Well, the Protheans loved topiary, and look at their contributions to galactic society. But as they say, if the grass is greener on the other fella's terrace, then you fertilize his offspring when the dad's offworld. Ok, next caller! Whoops, hold on a second, I'm blossoming. There we go, all done."

Krogan: "My name's Grenry. I w-"

Jaurice: "Are you blossoming?"

Krogan: "I - guess I am. I've really come into my own the past few months since I joined a cult and wired credits in exchange for spiritual happiness - and letting everyone take turns on my female. Anyway, I have a lovely garden. Mostly carnivorous plants. A Tuchanka varrentrap reminds me of my mother. She's on the Purgatory now. Anyway, it's so fascinating how a young plant catches lifeforms and eats them. I started with hanar jellies, and now mine can swallow a whole vorcha! Or a small varren, if I rip it in half first."

Jaurice: "Have you tried any experiments on other krogan?"

Krogan: "Hah, yeah, I've been working on that."

Jaurice: "Good man, good man! See, the secret of biology is once something is at the height of beauty and potential, it is time for it to wither and die. A bit like the Asari Empire! Because look at that whole place withering and dying right before our eyes - it's run by a queen! And if she had a heavy pistol, she'd be the king. Luckily in this galaxy we don't know the meaning of the word hubris. But hell, I'm all over the place here, it's so easy to get out of control when you're doing something that comes natural. Line two, you're on Gardening with Jaurice."

Elcor: "Eagerly, yeah, my name is Serrence-"

Jaurice: "Can I call you, 'Selly-Welly'?"

Elcor: "... Hesitant, uh, sure, I guess, I'm growing flowers, but sometimes I get really angry and fly off the high gravity ground and commit herbicide... Horrified, I don't mean to, I say, 'Shocked, I didn't mean it baby, you'll be alright!' Depressed, then I wear a diaper and uncontrollably release pheromones for two days."

Jaurice: "A flower is nothing more than an educated weed. And like all weeds, all living things need to be extinguished. Like a life support apparatus, or a cigarette! Which I won't be able to smoke anymore if the fascists on the Citadel have anything to say about it with that damn Council Space Proposition 1421... Tobacco is a plant, people! And if it comes out of the ground, we should be able to smoke it! Like eezo! And hallex plants! Next caller!"

Volus: "Yeah, I got a question. Why is everybody on the radio named Jaurice?"

Jaurice: "God, I pray to the great gardener of the universe that you've been fixed! I hope they snipped your ammonia sack off, because spreading your spore could be a disaster! Do you - do you have a question? A question? God, so many vegetables on this show. Tards!"

Volus: "Yeah, that krogan was talking about creatures and plants that eat them. I have a better solution. Put chemicals foreign to your species in the irrigation sprinklers. My children love it. I mean, the ones that lived."

Jaurice: "Oh, lovely. You're a lovely little volus, you f#$king imbecile. You morons on this station are spreading like weeds. Like tiny bastard vorcha, I wish I could just pop every one of your g*ddamn heads off. Hello line eight, you're on Gardening with Jaurice!"

Human: "Yeah, I heard what you said about bonsai trees, and you know what? You can stick that green thumb up your alien ****."

Jaurice: "Ho-ho-ho, yes! Another arrogant human who grows miniature plants, so he can feel like a Reaper. A real man loves enormous trees, that he can have his way with! Chopping them down, and using the wood to fashion toy mechs, and - and suggestive whirly-gigs. Ok, we're out of time. Literally. But again, like a seed sewn during terraforming, or a thresher maw spore from outer space, the garden goes on. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole at the edge of your colony, and plant yourself!"

Announcer: "That was the show that generates more extranet hits than any other. On Citadel Newsnet. Gardening with Jaurice!"

 

LOL.

Oh, that's great stuff, Caesar. That really took me back.

[Nightwriter]

Turian: Asari sex.

Salarian female: No thank you.

Turian: I want to talk about asari sex.

Asari: Do I have to be present for it?

Elcor: (thoughtfully) I would imagine so, Serena, yes.

Asari: Typical.

Turian: Asari sex is one of the weirdest phenomenon in the universe. It’s all very obscure. No one’s ever quite one hundred percent on the details. I think it’s time we got to the bottom of it once and for all, and asked an asari. How exactly do you do it?

Asari: Ugh. Why are you asking me? You romped with the Consort, didn’t you? You should know.

Turian: Well yes, but I’m not exactly sure what happened. We were making out –

Asari: We don’t need to hear this.  

Elcor: (uncertainly) Indeed, I am most unsure if I wish you to proceed.

Asari: Well, if we’re all quite sure we don’t want to hear about this –

Elcor: (inquisitively) Juda?

Salarian female: … I find myself possessed of a strange scientific curiosity.

Asari: **** ****

Turian: Ha! You know the rule, baby.

Elcor: (wearily) … We can’t overturn a Carsek conversation topic without a unanimous vote.

Asari: Fry in hell, Juda. I hope a krogan eats your eggs, you selfish b*tch, you’ve no idea what you’re about to put me through.

Turian: What did I tell you about people? What did I say? They want to know. They like the sick stuff I do.

Salarian: Don’t bring me down to your level or I’ll change my mind and we’ll talk about the batarian Hegemony instead. It’s got nothing to do with sick stuff, it’s just that I want to know certain… things.

Turian: Who doesn’t?

Elcor: (dolefully) I might list myself, for one.

Turian: People with erectile dysfunction excluded.

[Bass whimpers]

Asari: Oh, Bass wait – look what you’ve down now, he’s gone and put his head in a bag again. Bass, Bass come out of there! Basser!

Elcor: (muffled sobbing) Everybody hates me. They all know about my problem and they hate me! They kick me when I’m down!

Salarian female: Hey – wait! That’s my bag! That’s a vintage purse, Bass! I got it because it fits all my subscriptions to Galactic Conspiracy Monthly!

Elcor: (muffled whimpering) It is the only thing big enough for my head to fit inside.

Turian: He can participate from inside the bag, don’t worry, he’s done all kinds of things from inside the bag. So, I was making out with the Consort –

Asari: Just ask me your damn questions, I don’t need to know about what happened with the Consort!

Salarian female: I’d like to know. What happened? Did you guys have sex? Like regular sex?

Turian: Pretty sure, yeah – at least, I got my cookie and she got hers, I think. Just not quite sure how we got there.

Asari: I’m not here right now.

Elcor: (muffled) I tell myself that every day. Every day. Maybe one day I’ll come out of the bag and it will be true.

Salarian female: Was there physical contact?

Asari: *sigh* There’s always physical contact, Juda.

Salarian female: Well how should I know? You hear the urban legends about how asari mind-rape people from three seats away in the trams –

Asari: That is nothing but superstitious rumor!

Salarian female: – and then run away with people’s genetic code and make bastard tram babies. 

Asari: Oh go lay an egg, I don’t see how it would be much different.

Elcor: (muffled) If I laid an egg it probably wouldn’t hatch. The shell would go limp and rubbery and it would fall over and the fetus would laugh at me from the inside.

Salarian female: Well I want to know other stuff. Like, do you mindmeld with everyone you have sex with?

Elcor: (muffled) No one hears me.

Asari: We reproduce by linking minds with –

Salarian female: But having sex with someone doesn’t always mean reproducing with them. Surely you’ve slept with people you haven’t reproduced with.

Asari: I don’t like this. I feel like you all are closing in on me.

Turian: We are.

Salarian female: Like a pack of jackals.

Turian: Just how exactly are you compatible with men? I mean asari go around telling humans they’re “compatible” with them, what does that mean?

Asari: What’s that supposed to mean, go around telling “humans” – ?

Salarian female: Oh please, we all know the humans are your new favorite sex toys.

Asari: What? I utterly resent the implication that –

Turian: Can you have physical sex with a guy?

Asari: We can become intimate with a man, yes, as your experience with Sha’ira should’ve taught you.

Turian: You see that’s not what I asked. You asari, you always do this. You skate around the issue. I asked you, can you have physical sex with a man?

Asari: Well what does that mean, exactly?

Elcor: (miserably) I don’t know anymore. Right now it seems like it means trying to stick a floppy pencil into a pencil sharpener. Or playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with a rubber pin.

Asari: I’m just not sure what you all mean –

Salarian female: It means penetration, you daft twit, now stop avoiding the question like a dumb asari flower.

[crash, muffled yelp]

Elcor: (fearfully, from inside his bag) What was that? What happened? It’s all dark!

Turian: You have a bag on your head, Bass.

Elcor: (in panic) Oh no!!

Salarian female: That freaking hurt, Serena!! You can’t just use your biotics to blast someone every time they say something you don’t – !

Asari: I told you one day I’d snap, Juda! I told you! I warned you that one day you’d go too far! Don’t think just because we’ve gotten drunk together it means you can say any damn thing you want to me!

Elcor: (chanting) Scary things happen outside the bag. Only the bag is safe. Scary things happen outside the bag. Only the bag is safe.

Turian: You realize you’re not actually safe in that bag, Bass, it covers about 4% of your body. We can all see you.

Elcor: (vehemently) Lies!

Salarian female: I’d like you to tell me just what I did to deserve that!

Asari: Offensiveness about asari and penetration, your typical spiel. I’m so tired of this crap about asari and sex, the whole damn galaxy –

Turian: Here we go.

Asari: – has it out for us!

Turian: Look, you’ve got no right to knock the galaxy for wondering about asari and sex. See, it seems to me that asari wouldn’t have evolved with the ability to derive pleasure from masculine penetration. I mean, why would you have? There are no males in your species, you don’t reproduce that way. You probably have a birth canal, but it’s likely meant for strictly exported goods, if you catch my meaning.

Salarian female: Yeah, that’s what I’d think, too.

Asari: This isn’t happening.

Salarian female: Well how did it work with you and the Consort, Carsek?

Turian: It was weird. We were making out, and it was getting all hot and heavy, lots of caressing and nakedness –

Salarian female: My respect for the Consort drops by the second.

Asari: My respect for organic life drops by the second.

Elcor: (sobbing) My respect for myself drops by the second.

Turian: And then bam, the train arrived at the station.

Elcor: (sobbing) His train arrived at the station. His train arrived at the station…

Salarian female: Well that didn’t really tell us anything. Was there actual penetration or not?

Turian: I… it was weird. Everything sort of went all fuzzy – my awareness dimmed – and then suddenly, you know… the train was at the station.

Salarian female: Really?

Asari: Oh God…

Salarian female: That is interesting. So it’s almost like whatever they do, they sort of… ensorcell you… drug you sort of… and then do the deed while you’re out?

Turian: But what deed, exactly? What do they do? Serena?

Asari: No.

Salarian female: Who knows what they do? Could be anything. Maybe it’s something they know we won’t like, and that’s why it’s all a big secret. Maybe they hypnotize us and then transform into a freakish monster who uses us sexually through some pincer-like appendage inserted through the nearest orifice. The mouth or the nostril.

Elcor: (screaming) Ahhhhh!!

Turian: What? What?

Elcor: (horrified) I’ve thrown up in the bag! I’ve thrown up in the bag! Get it off! Get it off!

Salarian female: No!! Not my bag!! Not my vintage leather – !

Asari: Oh dear, we must go on a commercial break for that, it must be cleaned up.

Turian: NO. No, Bass is an expert at throwing up in bags, he can handle it.

Elcor: (panic-stricken) I can’t handle it! I can’t handle it!

Turian: Shut up, Bass! Serena, you’re not getting out of this, you’re going to tell us how the hell you derive pleasure from physical sex right now! Right now!

Elcor: (wailing) Vomit in my eyelashes!

Asari: I see no reason why this conversation should –

Turian: I want to know if you can feel physical pleasure from an actual sex organ.

Asari: I can feel pleasure.

Turian: From a sex organ?

Asari: I can feel pleasure.

Turian: Where exactly do you feel the pleasure?

Asari: No place you’ll ever get within three feet of.

Turian: Aha! So you admit you feel pleasure in the usual place!

Asari: Carsek, I don’t let you within three feet of my entire body. My pleasure center could be located in my pinkie for all you know.

Turian: May I see your pinkie?

Salarian female: Just tell us if you have pleasure receptors in your damn cloaca, Serena.

Asari: I don’t have a cloaca!

Salarian female: Well whatever.

Asari: That’s just disgusting!

Salarian female: Why do non-salarians keep saying this.

Asari: And I’m not telling you anyway!

Salarian female: Tell us, you damn asari twit!

Asari: This whole conversation is dirty and stupid! Who could possibly be interested in this?! Who?!

Turian: Look, all you need to tell us –

Asari: La la la la la!

Turian: – to make this stop –

Asari: Not listening la la la not listening!

Turian: – is if you have a clitoris.

Asari: Now that is IT!! I refuse to answer that question!! I refuse!! I’m not the first asari to be endlessly harassed about the details of our sexual anatomy and I won’t be the last!

Turian: Why can’t you just answer?

Asari: WHY DOES IT MATTER?! All you need to know is I can get my freaking rocks off and so can you! Why should you need to know a damn thing beyond that?! Why should it matter if I have a clitoris?!

Turian: Wh-what?! Why should it matter if you have a – ?! I – I can’t even – that has got to be the stupidest – the most ridiculous – the most unbelievable –

Salarian female: Wow, you made Carsek speechless, that’s got to be a record.

Turian: Why should it matter?!

Elcor: (fearfully) Get the bag off my head! Someone help me! Get it off!

Asari: FINE! Fine, you want to know? You want to know how we derive pleasure from physical sex?

Elcor: (desperately) GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!!

Salarian female: Bass, sit down, we’re finally getting the answer!

Asari: Fine, I’ll tell you!!

Elcor: (screaming) I CAN’T BREATHE! GET IT OFF!

Salarian female: Bass, you’re going to destroy the transmission cables, sit down!

Turian: Bass if you ruin this for me I will never forgive you!

Asari: We –

Elcor: (screaming) GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

[CRASH]

[static]

Voiceover: We’re sorry. This channel is experiencing technical difficulties. 

Modifié par Nightwriter, 13 août 2010 - 05:24 .

[Caesar914]

Nightwriter. You are officially a god of ME comedy.



But...............



I've just realized that we missed the biggest potential meme. It is:



SPACE OPRAH!!!!



We really need an Oprah for mass effect. Someone with a major demographic in krogan females.

[Nightwriter]

Dewit.



I'd love to read some Space Oprah.

[Mr. niceguy15]

Space Oprah would be epic. Wait! The ShadowBroker is an Oprah AI ! It all makes sense now.....