121 réponses à ce sujet

[Nightwriter]

I'm still waiting for someone to actually do it. I want to read some Space Oprah.

[Katamariguy]

Preferably while driving a flying car

[Nightwriter]

I prefer everything while driving a flying car.

[smudboy]

So where's the petition to have Nightwriter get hired by BioWare to write dialog lines in her flying car so Shepard and co can listen to, in their stolen flying car, while shooting Reapers?

[Nightwriter]

You'd have to catch me first. No one can catch me! Not in my flying police car! I am uncatchable!



WHERE IS MY SPACE OPRAH.

[Mr. niceguy15]

I'll give you your Space Oprah. But first: I need sleep!





- A nice guy.

[Nightwriter]

Oh goody, at least I know it's coming.

[Caesar914]

Lol I wish I could write an ME Oprah skit but I wouldn't even know where to start. It's all in the name though. If we can come up with a name as powerful and memorable as "Oprah" is then it's total win.

[ThatDancingTurian]

There needs to be a call-in show about relationship advice, but the host is a krogan.



Asari: And I don't know, he seems nice for a human, but is it really me he's interested in, or is it the girl I am at the club, in the tight spandex, gyrating on a table. You know what I'm saying? I'm an asari, it's in our nature to be sensual beings, but if we embrace eternity to soon, is he going to respect me?



Krogan: Doubting yourself is a sign of weakness. If you wish to be respected, then drag his squishy human body to the nearest empty space and procreate. And then snap his neck. NEXT CALLER.

[hamtyl07]

i still think they should pay lazlow from GTA to do something that would be entertaining

[Nightwriter]

Aris that NEEDS to be expanded on.

[Nightwriter]

Salarian female: And we’re back with ME Talk Radio, what does the ME stand for? Who knows! We’re taking callers today and here we have our first caller of the morning, hello caller!

Asari: Would you like to introduce yourself?

Vorcha caller: Gavorn’s trickssss!

Turian: What the hell.

Vorcha caller: We know Gavorn’s tricksss!

Asari: What? Caller, we don’t understand you.

Salarian female: Can you tell us your name, caller? Who are you? Tell us about yourself.

Vorcha caller: *hisses* Ahhh… no names! You not fool us, humansss!

Elcor: (confusedly) There are no humans on this radio station.

Vorcha: Lies! Gavorn’s tricksss!

Turian: And there you have it folks, the lesson of the day: don’t take drugs, kids. Red sand f*cks with your brain. Or do take drugs. What do I care? I just remembered I’m not a role model. I bought a gram of red sand off my dealer the other day. He was twelve. Damn, but you gotta love Omega.

Asari: Pig.

Turian: Oink.

Salarian female: Caller, are you taking red sand? Do you need help? You should know the first step is admitting that you have a problem. This could hurt you and everyone around you, your friends and loved ones, and the first thing you need to do is accept that you need help.

Vorcha caller: Sss!

Asari: You’re so sanctimonious, Juda.

Salarian female: Well if that isn’t the sky calling the jaybird blue.

Vorcha caller: We know Gavorn’s tricksss!

Turian: Who the f*ck is Gavorn? Is this even a person? Someone could be pranking us with a recording.

Asari: You did that once and now you suspect everyone of doing it. Only your recording kept saying “bewbs” and we couldn’t get it to stop until the Zoning Board shut us down. We were all interrogated and they cavity searched you for eight hours to find the recording device.

Turian: I regret nothing.

Salarian female: Look, caller, did you call here for a reason?

Vorcha caller: Yesss! We wish to discusss… vorcha discrimination! Sss!

Turian: What? Can you even discriminate against vorcha?

Vorcha caller: Yess!! Yess you canss!! You see! This is the thing of which we speak!! This discriminationsss! It is wrong!! Unjusssst!

Salarian female: Hmm. Yeah, I’m not sure how much moral outrage I’m willing to invest in this. Caller, could you please spell discrimination?

Vorcha caller: S-spell…? D… Y…

Salarian: Nope.

Asari: Sorry.

Turian: You fail. Your species thanks you, you will be slaves forever.

Vorcha spell: Ahhh! No spell! Spell stupid! This is more discriminationsss!

Turian: Looks like the batarians taught the vorcha their favorite word.

Asari: Typical.

Elcor: (puzzled) How exactly are you being discriminated against, caller?

Vorcha caller: We workss for krogan Blood Pack… we receivesss no dental! No life insurance! Krogan boss refuses to listen to our ideasss for corporate expanssssion!

Turian: Here we go.

Vorcha caller: Vorcha exploited by all of galaxy! Every day, vorcha dragged off and sold into underground pornography rings! Used sexually!

Asari: Goodness. Have you ever been raped?

Vorcha caller: Thousandsss of times! Hundredsss! We know Gavorn’s tricksss!

Salarian female: You see, normally, you start off with the smaller number, then you get bigger, like, “Hundreds of times! Thousands – ”

Vorcha caller: Bahhh! Millionsss! Every day!

Turian: Now that’s got to be stretching things a bit.

Vorcha caller: Ahh! Do not speaksss of stretching! We hear your cruel joke! We know Gavorn’s tricksss!

Turian: Man, I wasn’t even trying to make that a dirty joke this time. My God, I am magnificent.

Elcor: (concernedly) You have been raped? You are a man.

Vorcha caller: Yessss!

Asari: Oh my goodness.

Vorcha caller: Meanwhile, Blood Pack refuses to let me take breaksss! Bossss allows me no time for pottery classes! I try to join a book club to discussss classic literaturessss, and am rejected from group!

Salarian female: Well perhaps they thought you couldn’t read. Can you read?

Vorcha caller: Sss! More discriminationsss!

Turian: Well he certainly can’t spell.

Salarian female: Caller, what does this spell? S – T – U – P– I – D.

Asari: Oh God. There goes the last shred of moral decency that was still clinging to life on this show.

Vorcha caller: Sss! We know Gavorn’s tricksss!

Turian: I feel like we’re going in circles here.

Asari: Well why don’t you form an activist group and petition, caller?

Vorcha caller: We triesss! We gather for group meetingssss! Alienss think it is a pornographic conventionsss for vorcha and abduct us for sexual fetishes while we try to stencil and bedazzle our picket signsssss! Whole vatss of glitter glue wasted! Spilled like blood!

Salarian female: Yeah, look, I just have a hard time believing anyone wants to bang a vorcha, I don’t see how such a fetish could ever exist. I’ve seen no evidence of it.

Turian: Actually –

Salarian female: Say one word and I kill you with poison. Shut up, Carsek. Shut up right now. I’m warning you.

Vorcha caller: We go to Sexual Abuse Servicessss! We tellss them of our plight! Receptionist laughs us out of waiting room!

Elcor: (mournfully) That sounds like my latest trip to the sperm donor clinic.

Vorcha caller: Bastard vorcha alien hybrids everywhere! Vorcha-krogan babies! Vorcha-batarian babies! Vorcha-turian babies! They are everywheresss! We are drowning in babiesss! We have no money to feedsss the children! The children have no shoesss or food! Help the childrensss!

Elcor: (sincerely) That’s awful.

Salarian female: No one would sleep with a vorcha. I choose to live in denial of everything you are telling me about relaity.

Turian: What? What did you say? Vorcha-turian?

Vorcha caller: Yess!

Turian: Which turians? What? How many vorcha-turian babies are there? What do they look like? Just what are you saying? Why are you calling me?

Salarian female: Wat.

Asari: Oh, God, Carsek. No. Just no. Tell me I’m not hearing this.

Vorcha caller: We cannot votes! We have no voice in the politicsss!

Salarian female: Spell politics.

Vorcha caller: Sss! Ahh!! You taunt usss! Deliberately!

Salarian female: Spell deliberately.

Vorcha caller: AH!!

Turian: What vorcha-turian babies?

Vorcha caller: Museums will not accept vorcha artwork! No one will buildsss centers of vorcha culture and philosophy! I wish to discusss matters of high politics, and no onesss will listen!

Asari: Oh, well, Juda can totally relate.

Salarian female: **** you, Serena.

Vorcha caller: Vorcha profiling everywhere! Recently, turian was shot in cargo tram! Vorcha cousin was standing nearby! Cousin was shot on sight because he was vorcha! Three feet awayss, the real attacker stoodsss covered in blood and laughing!

Turian: Well clearly your cousin had attacked him as well and he was laughing at seeing justice done, the poor victim.

Vorcha caller: I fell in love with beautiful asari! She will not have me! She pulls away from me in revulsionsss! More discrimination!!

Asari: Well, I mean, you can understand how that might be…

Salarian female: Go to the Consort. She’ll have you.

[crash, scream]

Asari: And so it begins again, b*tch.

Salarian female: God damn it, Serena, would you quit it with the biotics?!

Asari: I do nothing to you you have not done to yourself.

Turian: What vorcha-turian babies?

Vorcha caller: I read my love poetries… I show her beautiful handmade sculpturesss! She runs from me! Runsss! My heart is broken!! Psychiatrist will not see me! Laughed me out of office!

Elcor: (worried) Oh dear.

Vorcha caller: I tell krogan boss of broken heart!! He shoots off leg!! Then shoved me in very small cage! Leg regrew from shoulder bone! To pass time in cage, we startsss writing philosophical memoirs in diary! Krogan took diary, burns it! Broke shoulder-leg! Went to hospital to fix shoulder-leg! Was laughed out of hospital!

Turian: I’m getting the strangest feeling that I’m not going to care about this until a paid celebrity tells me to care.

Elcor: (horrified) That is awful, Carsek.

Asari: Well… why don’t you find a nice vorcha girl to settle down with, caller?

Vorcha caller: All taken! Taken for your cruel alien fetishesss!!

Turian: What vorcha-turian babies?

Salarian female: Look, I can’t see a reason to care about this. The first time I saw a vorcha it was eating the face off another vorcha.

Vorcha caller: That is how we make kissessss!

Salarian female: You all work for the Blood Pack –

Vorcha caller: After we joinssss Blood Pack we insistsss 20% of all profit goes to charitiesss for underprivileged speciesss!

Salarian female: – and when you’re not working for them you’re working for the Collectors –

Vorcha caller: So much abuse from Blood Pack! Molestation! We run to new mastersss! We release plague to kill Blood Pack and save our babiesss! We demand 20% of Collector profits go to charities for underprivileged speciesss!

Salarian female: – you don’t understand great art, like the meaning and beauty of abstract art –

Vorcha caller: Abstract artsss is meant to use form, line and colorsss to convey the visual experience free from reality!

Salarian female: – and you can’t understand the simplest mathematical formula, like what’s the answer to 7 + 4x = 1.

Vorcha caller: Negative three over two!

Salarian female: So I see no reason why I should listen to your cause. Goodbye.

Vorcha caller: No! Waitsss! I use this phone against master’s command! He returnsss soon! I call for help, you must help Iska, send rescue servicesss – !

Salarian: Commercial break! Vorcha a pest? Need to get rid of them? We have the product for you!

Turian: Wait!! Wait!! What vorcha-turian babies?!

[Dave of Canada]

((I do not like Twilight, nor does this share my opinion of it.))


ANNOUNCER:  Today, all new. For the first time, the galaxy wide phenomenon "Sunset" comes to Koprah.
KOPRAH (Female Krogan voice, narration over scenes of crazed Asari cheering):  These are the most attractive people to most species in the galaxy and they are here with me in order to introduce their new film in the teen sensation "Sunset" series, here is Alexia Firma, Kristen Dunnak and Ralifetesasx!

ANNOUNCER:  Coming up next.

- - -

[Commercial starts with a Turian dancing in a lobster uniform]

LOBSTER TURIAN: [hopelessness in his voice] Welc-

DIRECTOR: LOUDER!

LOBSTER TURIAN: WELCOME TO THE CITADEL EA-EARTH FISH DISCOUNT WAREHOUSE, WE SELL FISH.

[Scene cuts to the Turian walking beside a fish tank filled with mutated fish in green water]

LOBSTER TURIAN: HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GOOD OLD EARTH FISH? I MEAN REAL FISH CAUGHT FROM THE POLLUTED OCEANS OF EARTH?

DIRECTOR: No! Don't mentio-

[Scene cuts to the Turian having a black eye, his suit roughed up and continuing to dance]

LOBSTER TURIAN: WE AT THE CITADEL EARTH FISH DISCOUNT WAREHOUSE HAVE 50% LESS POLLUTANTS THAN THE COMPETITION. WHY RISK DYING WHEN YOU CAN JUST EAT AT THE CITADEL EAR-

Lobster Turian sighs.

LOBSTER TURIAN: Quickly people, get out! Don't buy this fish! Get out now! Run! RUN! I'm being held against my will, save me at wareho-

[Two armed men come and knock the Turian unconcious and carry him away, the Director is yelling to close the camera]

- - -
KOPRAH:  It is the phenomenon that sparked a feeding frenzy
around the galaxy. “Sunset’s” explosive popularity is giving Commander Shepard fandom a run for its credits, turning its actors–Alexia Firma, Kristen Dunnak and Ralifetesasx- into the most important actors in Citadel space.

[a scene from the film appears, two Asari are sitting on a bed and looking into each other's eyes]

ALEXIA (Asari): Mind meld with me.

KOPRAH:  This epic story about an Ardat-Yakshi's love for a regular Asari has even the firmest of Elcor swooning.

[scene cuts and shows some interviews with fans]

YEL (Elcor): (hyped) This is the greatest movie in the galaxy.

HILARY (Human):  *squee* Not even Commander Shepard's movie was this popular!

[scene goes back to the movie, Alexia and Kristen are surrounded by mercs]

KOPRAH:  Every drip of information about this series creates mass hysteria, as if the cure for the genophage was found *dry krogan laugh* The story of an Ardat-Yakshi, an Asari matron and a Turian with abs of steel makes for a romantic storyline. For those who have a thirst for action, explosions, and suspense…
ALEXIA:  No, Kristen! Don't!

KOPRAH:  …”Sunset’s” biotics do not disappoint.

KRISTEN (Ardat-Yakshi):  You are the reason why I resist my urge to mate with everybody.

[Kristen begins to use biotics and kills a few mercs before the screen fades back to the stage with KOPRAH and the cast]

KOPRAH:  *naughty krogan laugh* I just love violence! Here today with me is the cast of "Sunset" here to talk about their newest movie!

[To be continued later, feel free to pick it up if you want. *shrug*]

Modifié par Dave of Canada, 14 août 2010 - 04:51 .

[Caesar914]

I think I like the idea of Koprah. Sunset, lulz. Idea though! For two of Koprah's guests, I think she should have on the krogan and asari that Shep met on Illium, you know, the one that was writing poetry and calling his asari the Blue Rose of Illium. They definitely need a good talking to from Koprah.

Edit: And Jack should be on the Jerry Springer adaptation..........

Modifié par Caesar914, 14 août 2010 - 08:15 .

[Jamer21]

That poor vorcha

[Jzadek72]

I've been reading for a while, I may as well try something. Is this familiar to anyone?

Vox News
SEXus Omnitool? - New Video Game Shows Full Holographic Nudity and Sex

Asari Presenter: The new trailer for Galaxy of Fantasy 2 - pretty exciting stuff right? Wrong. This new roleplaying video game leaves NOTHING to the imagination. It was made for Armali Council's Nexus Omnitool, and shows scenes of full holographic nudity and allows the player to engage in horrific scenes of mindmelding. Imagine! The game IS rated for adults but critics say that the game is being marketed to YOUR kids. The makers have said that these accusations are inaccurate, and they have state-of-the-art technology to prevent children playing games they shouldn't, but everyone knows that these are blatent lies specifically designed to corrupt children and take your credits. With me tonight are turian psychiatrist Ralarn Verkalian and salarian 'games expert' and secret child molester Marlan Ledus. Verkalian,  it always makes me laugh when companies say they're controlling these products, but unless you hover over them constantly, they will find a way to access this pornography. How damaging is this game really?

Turian: Ah, yes, "parental controls". We have dismissed these claims. Children always find away to view things they shouldn't. The problem is that not only do children become permanently scarred by the sex in this game, they begin to think of women as objects of desire, of lust, and decide that they exist only for sex. It's a male, in this game, deciding how many women he wants to be with.

Asari: Your absoloutedly right. Now lets get Ledus in on this, then. Ledus, why do you hate children?

Salarian: First of all I'd like to say that that's completely inaccurate, the game lets a healthy relationship devel- Wait, what?! I don't hate children!

Turian: Then why do you try to corrupt their innocent little souls with this... abomination, filled with graphic nudity and sex?

Salarian: Verkalian, have you ever played Galaxy of Fantasy 2?

Turian: [incoherent whisper]

Salarian: Well?

Turian: No.

Salarian: So what makes you think you are qualified to comment on this?

Turian: Well, my friend's sister knows this krogan, who's friend's cousin's dad's brother met a vorcha who said it had hardcore nudity.

Salarian: Well, that's completely incorrect, there is no harcore nudity in this game, there is a minute long sexual encounter where you see virtually nothing.

Asari: Let me stop you there, Ledus. Yesterday I went to check on the website, and this box came up asking me to authenticate my age. I thought, this will take a while, and you know, that was it. Just my age. Is it this easy for a child to access this stuff? Anyway, I found nothing overtly sexual on the website-

Salarian: Then what the heck's the problem? It's not that easy to get access to the game.

Turian: That's just what I would expect a sick, pervert to say.

Salarian: I'm not a pervert!

Asari: Then how do you explain these images of you and a vorcha clearly having a sexual encounter?



Salarian: What? Those images are clearly doctored!

Turian: You would say that, wouldn't you?

Salarian: This is an outrage! This interview is completely biased, this is freaking pointless. See you sensationalist idiots later!

[Salarian leaves]

Asari: What a monster... Anyway in other news-

Turian: I just hate the way children can see sex so easily.

Asari: Exactly Verkalian. But we've finished now. In other news-

Turian: I mean, it scars them, it turns them into monsters and Ardhat Yakshi!

Asari: We've finished Verkalian. Please leave.

Turian: They disrespect women and abuse vorcha and mutilate kittens and...

Asari (Glowing with Biotics): Shut the f-

[Screen flashes then goes black]

Announcer: We are experiencing technical difficulties, please try again soon. We apologise for any inconveniece this may cause.

[ThatDancingTurian]

Excellent parody, Jzadek72. Seriously, it's brilliant.

[Nightwriter]

LOL that was hilarious Jzadek.



What did I tell you about the vorcha fetishes, eh?

[Jzadek72]

Thank you both very much. Both of you have written some hilarious stuff too. I look forwards to more of the talk show, Nightwriter.

[Jzadek72]

Aris Ravenstar wrote...

There needs to be a call-in show about relationship advice, but the host is a krogan.

Asari: And I don't know, he seems nice for a human, but is it really me he's interested in, or is it the girl I am at the club, in the tight spandex, gyrating on a table. You know what I'm saying? I'm an asari, it's in our nature to be sensual beings, but if we embrace eternity to soon, is he going to respect me?

Krogan: Doubting yourself is a sign of weakness. If you wish to be respected, then drag his squishy human body to the nearest empty space and procreate. And then snap his neck. NEXT CALLER.

I want to see more of this as well. This little bit was great.

[ThatDancingTurian]

Okay, here it goes.. I usually don't write jokes this long, so I don't know if it's still funny as it goes on, >_>;;; But I gave it a shot!

---

Host: If you hear my voice, you are either listening to 'Just Mate Already' with Orloc Sharr, or I am behind you with my weapon in your abdomen. FIRST CALLER!

Caller 1: Hi Sharr! My name is Mirela, I'm two-hundred and twenty, I work at the Afterlife club on Omega, and I need your advice.

Host: You are asari.

Caller 1: That's right! I was born and raised on Thessia.

Host: The asari can mate with anything. I fail to see your deficiency.

Caller 1: I think 'everything' is kind of... Well anyway, that's not the problem. Okay, I have this guy, right? We've been going out for a while. We met at the club, he's human by the way...

Host: I see the problem now.

Caller 1: Oh, no, he's great! It's just... I think he has certain expectations of our first time, considering where I work, and I don't want him to think of me as some kind of tramp.

Host: It is healthy to have the desire to mate.

Caller 1: Right! But I just want to take it slow.

Host: Were I an asari, I would be in no hurry to mate with a human and spread their genetic weakness onto my offspring.

Caller 1: It's not even about kids, I just think I'm reaching a point in my life where I want more than just a nice time with someone who doesn't call afterwards. Is that too much to ask?

Host: You want respect from prospective mates.

Caller 1: Exactly! I think I'm ready for that. And I don't know, he seems nice for a human, but is it really me he's interested in? Or is it the girl I am at the club in the tight spandex, gyrating on a table. You know what I'm saying? I'm an asari, it's in our nature to be sensual beings, but if we embrace eternity to soon, is he going to respect me?

Host: Doubting yourself is a sign of weakness. If you wish to be respected, then drag his squishy human body to the nearest empty space and procreate. And then snap his neck. NEXT CALLER!

Caller 2: Hi Sharr! M-my name is Jared and I'm a huge fan.

Host: I can tell already that you must have very few mating requests.

Caller 2: Right... ::nervous chuckle:: I love how you tell it like it is.

Host: Then it's true. You sound small and weak.

Caller 2: Well, um, m-my question is-

Host: The females of your species must look at you in disgust.

Caller 2: Hey, I just wanted to-

Host: "LOOK! Look at Jared! He is not a man, he is a child. We should laugh at his feeble attempts to mate!"

Caller 2: I get it, okay?? Aren't you supposed to help me with my problems?!

Host: Only you can fix your own weakness, Jared. I'm just here to point it out to you. And laugh. HA HA HA. ...Jared has disconnected. If we faced each other in battle, I imagine he would soil himself and then discharge his own weapon into his face. NEXT CALLER!

Caller 3: Greetings, Sharr. My name is Paliet. I've never listened to your show personally, but a friend informed me of its purpose and recently a problem has surfaced for which I could use your, ::ahem:: particular brand of expertise.

Host: ::grunts:: You're salarian.

Caller 3: Correct!

Host: I can tell from the speed of your rambling and that irritating voice.

Caller 3: ::laughs:: Ah, colorful insults peppered with racism. My friend informed me of this. 'classic Sharr', he would say!

Host: The station manager once told me I should be more respectful to other species. The death cries echoing through his respirator were entertaining, but volus die too quickly to properly savor the moment.

Caller 3: ::laughs, then pauses:: That's not true, is it?

Host: I don't lie when it comes to killing or mating.

Caller 3: Okay. That subject returns me to my original conundrum.

Host: Killing, or mating?

Caller 3: Mating.

Host: ::grunts:: Go ahead.

Caller 3: Well obviously salarian relations are different when it comes to the subject of mating, but I thought perhaps a fresh perspective might be just the thing I needed. I'm involved in reproduction negotiations with a female from an influential clan, but I have recently discovered that she has another offer.

Host: Salarian mating is similar to krogan. There is no 'courtship' or stupid rituals about 'flowers and candy', just straight to procreation. I like this.

Caller 3: More or less. Obviously there are intensive negotiations to go through.

Host: Negotiations are like battles for those too cowardly to use weapons.

Caller 3: Right, I guess. But what's important is that my clan's legacy is carried on to the next generation. This is why I knew you would understand, krogan also value clan and heritage.

Host: Though with fewer clans since the salarians unleashed the genophage.

Caller 3: ::clears throat awkwardly::

Host: Get to the point, squishy.

Caller 3: I've gone through all official channels regarding negotiations, but I need an edge! I've got to prove that I am worthy to fertilize her eggs!

Host: I assume you are too weak or otherwise unable to kill your rival.

Caller 3: Y-yes, that wouldn't work.

Host: Then the answer is simple. Kill the female's family.

Caller 3: Wh..What?!

Host: It will prove the strength of your clan and serve as a threat if she should ally herself with another.

Caller 3: I can't believe... There's no way I'm going to kill my potential in-laws! Do you have any advice that doesn't include killing other people??

Host: Yes.

Caller 3: ::hesitates:: And what is that?

Host: Kill yourself. Eliminate your weakness and strengthen the salarian gene pool. Maybe then they can fight their own battles... But probably not.

Caller 3: I-

Host: ::disconnects:: Our time is up. Tune in next time to 'Just Mate Already' with Orloc Sharr. And remember, JUST MATE ALREADY. Show over. ::jingle plays::

[Nightwriter]

Roflmao.

[Jzadek72]

That. Was. Awesome.

[Nightwriter]

Sharr is hilarious.

[Caesar914]

Clan Orloc should be proud to have such a ballsy krogan to represent lol

Edit: quadsy, not ballsy?

Modifié par Caesar914, 15 août 2010 - 12:28 .