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[Pseudo the Mustachioed]

Atakuma wrote...

Maria Caliban wrote...

If Varric were a food, what food would he be?

A kiwi?

This. Sooooo this.

[Maria Caliban]

Atakuma wrote...

Maria Caliban wrote...

If Varric were a food, what food would he be?

A kiwi?

Small, sweet, and furry?

[Dave of Canada]

SORRY FOR THE LATE DVT

*queue the Trial music from Chrono Trigger*

Dazed and confused, Varric looked around to quickly take in the scenery. He knew he wasn't in Kirkwall anymore, the room being a haunting black that would chill any man to his core. At least, it would but Varric wasn't just "anybody". Of notice in the room was that a man stood before him, the very same man who took him to this mysterious place. In confusion, raised his hand but was silenced by the man's intimidating presence. The man bowed before Varric respectfully, his face still covered by the cowl.

Varric: Where am I?
???: You must be confused, please allow me to introduce myself.
???: My name is Stanley Woo, you've been banned and this is your trial.

Varric was shocked, he heard rumors of moderators interfering with mortal men but he thought it to be nothing but an old man's tale. The man approached and his face was revealed from underneath the cowl, it looks like a strange helmeted creature but Varric couldn't see more. Ready to take a stand, Varric reached for his crossbow but was knocked down on his seat by the swift hammer of the moderator.

Stanley Woo: We've been gathered today to judge the not-so honorable Varric of House Tethras.

These words echoed through the empty space, Varric looked around and realised nobody else was watching. Who was this man talking to? Could it be there's a being superior to the moderators? Varric stood up once again and was ready to speak, though no words came out of his mouth. A voice echoed in his mind, "You do not have permission to do that". He was muted.

The moderator gazed towards Varric and sighed, he already reached his conclusion and this entire trial was a farce. It would never work out, Varric was guilty and there's no way out of it. The moderator continued speaking but the words muddled in Varric's mind, as if to insult him further by not allowing him to hear his own trial that was being presented. Suddenly a bright light opened up from the sealing and the words spoken became clear.

Stanley Woo: Let us bring in the ultimate witness, bring in.... the Maker!
The Maker: Sup.
The Maker: That was a pretty cool fight, Varric. Me and Andraste totally watched it live.
Stanley Woo: Excuse me, Maker. We've brought you here to provide testimony, not stroke Varric's ego.
The Maker: We both know this isn't going to work out in his favor. Why bother saying anything?
Stanley Woo: *sigh* Just read from the script.
The Maker: "I, THE DIVINE MAKER, HAVE DEEMED VARRIC TETHRAS AN ABOMINATION! TASTE FANTASTIC DIVINE JUSTICE, HORRIBLE FIEND!"
The Maker: My breath, these lines are bad.
Stanley Woo: You heard it from the Maker himself! Varric is guilty! Punishment for a bar brawl is perma-ban!
The Maker: Well then... Good luck, Varric. No hard feelings, right? If you're ever near the Black City, feel free to drop by.
The Maker: I'll make Andraste do her famous pot roast, you'd love it.



The moderator's last few words echoed (he was thinking of the pot roast, though there were far more concerning matters at hand. Like getting banned.) through Varric's mind, could this really be it? Was this to be the end to Varric's adventure already? He sunk into his chair and absorbed everything going around him, everybody in Kirkwall would never see him again. How could he be important in Dragon Age 2 if he's banned here? The moderator turned around and pointed towards Varric, ready to banish him into oblivion. For a faint moment, Varric regained his voice and yelled out!

Varric: Now wait one moment here, this wouldn't be a game if it ended just like this! Imagine the forum complaints!

The moderator lowered his hand, he knew the man had a point. He would never hear the end of it, tears would flood the forums and unlike the writers he doesn't feed off tears. He approached Varric closely and knelt down, gazing him face to face and making sure he was absolutely clear with his offer.

Stanley Woo: The Grey Wardens have lost, Ferelden is doomed. Unless...
Varric: Unless?
Stanley Woo: I'll make you an offer, deal with the Blight. You'll not be permabanned, I'll let you go and you're given an important quest. Live or die, you were given a chance. What do you say?

CHOICES:
I'LL STOP THE BLIGHT
HELL NO, PERMABAN ME.



CHOICE: I'LL STOP THE BLIGHT.

Varric nods towards the moderator, he knows fully well that the task at hand is suicide but it's better than giving up. Varric will make a name for himself, he will stop this Blight and save Ferelden. The moderator nods at Varric's decision and walks away, contemplating. He whispers to himself a few moments before finally approaching Varric and giving him a bag of equipment.

Stanley Woo: You'll need this. I'm placing you on the off-coast village of Hannen, find safe passage from there. May the Maker watch over you.
The Maker: Oh, I'll be watching. I need a good laugh.

Varric closed his eyes tightly as the moderator placed his hammer on his forehead. slowly opening his eyes, Varric found himself on the shore of an island with a town in the distance, his adventure had begun.

CHOICE: HELL NO, PERMABAN ME.

The moderator sighs in disappointment, though he knew what the answer was going to be. Nobody would foolishly try to stop a Blight singlehandedly, it's not like this is a game or anything where such things happen frequently. He raised his hammer high, preparing to strike down on the poor dwarf, before Varric raised his hand to halt the process. A glimmer of hope appeared in the moderator's eye.

Stanley Woo: Changed your mind, have you?
Varric: Nope, just wanting to apologize to the people.
Varric: You all expected a story or something, well I'm sorry. You picked for me to get banned, what do you expect? A "but thou must" scenario? You're silly.
Varric: Pick the other option next time, I'll just be sitting here. Being banned. Thanks to you.

The hammer struck down hard, Varric gasped for a final breath but none ever came. Before realising what happened, Varric was gone.

GAME OVER.

Modifié par Dave of Canada, 26 novembre 2010 - 06:06 .

[Leonia]

No, I change my mind, he's a passionfruit!

[HighMoon]

CHESTnut! Get it?!

[Atakuma]

Maria Caliban wrote...

Atakuma wrote...

Maria Caliban wrote...

If Varric were a food, what food would he be?

A kiwi?

Small, sweet, and furry?

Thats the idea.

[Leonia]

Golden-Rose wrote...

CHESTnut! Get it?!

Oh you're a clever one, you are.

*goes to read Dave's newest post*

[Pseudo the Mustachioed]

Dave why did I laugh so hard at "sup"

[Leonia]

The Maker: My breath, these lines are bad.

Oh man, I am still crying with laughter. Well done, Dave of Canada, bravo! Now we wait eagerly for the adventuring to begin.

Modifié par leonia42, 26 novembre 2010 - 06:16 .

[Dave of Canada]

Pseudocognition wrote...

Dave why did I laugh so hard at "sup"

That was the entire point of it.

Modifié par Dave of Canada, 26 novembre 2010 - 06:19 .

[Pseudo the Mustachioed]

Dave of Canada wrote...

Pseudocognition wrote...

Dave why did I laugh so hard at "sup"

That was the entire point of it.

In that case, you're welcome :B

[namedforthemoon]

Wow, I love this, Dave. I wish you hadn't given up on your Varric game, it would be fun! Although I know it takes a lot of time and effort, and you're sick of it. But anyway, bravo! And hooray for DVT pictures!

[GameBoyish]

Dave's Super Varric World is AWESOME!



I also (finally) have a pretty good laptop in hand so yeah, just wait for my Fem!Brosca XD

[aimo_ahmed]

Sorry for the lack 'o appearance on Thursday, people; It was a terribly busy day for me, and a bit trying on some parts. Also, I was so feeling so uninspired yesterday that even actual work was sluggish. But thanks to Pseudo's hilarious Alistair-flavoured comic, I came up with something in that vein for my delayed DVT.

Warden Alistair apparently did a detour in Kirkwall during Awakening or something:

I will be retiring my running Alistair + Ladies Undergarments gags after this. So I hope you enjoy the last one ^o^

Dave: I wish an army of programmers would descend from the heavens to help you finish this

[Pseudo the Mustachioed]

Daw, poofy haired dopey Carver

Also LOL DWARVEN CRAFTS, I read that in Steve Blum's voice. Gahhhh. Gorim.

[Leonia]

Fine, dwarven crafts, direct from Orzammar!



/gigglefit



Thanks for the lols, Aimo

[Apollo Starflare]

I love Carver's expression!

[Meyne]

aimo_ahmed wrote...

I will be retiring my running Alistair + Ladies Undergarments gags after this. So I hope you enjoy the last one ^o^

But... but I don't want it to end.

[mellifera]

They're not just fine dwarven crafts, they're the FINEST (as is totally appropriate because Varric's "dwarven crafts" are definitely finer than Gorim's... sorry buddy).

[Neesee]

Carver looks so cute. My Hawke is totally gonna be a doting big sister to him. I don't care if he's all "Stop it, you're embarrassing me!".

[Pseudo the Mustachioed]

Neesee wrote...

Carver looks so cute. My Hawke is totally gonna be a doting big sister to him. I don't care if he's all "Stop it, you're embarrassing me!".

Agreed. I can't wait to hear more about the family... so we can better harass Carver

[Sigil_Beguiler123]

 Originally I didn't plan on being that much of a family-oriented Hawke. But after threads like this, I can definitely see my Hawke while still fairly crass, sly, etc. (so running with more the Isabela, Varric crowd). I am now planning on her being a overprotective big-sister. 

[Apollo Starflare]

yukidama wrote...

They're not just fine dwarven crafts, they're the FINEST (as is totally appropriate because Varric's "dwarven crafts" are definitely finer than Gorim's... sorry buddy).

Well, it's official then. Varric has surpassed Gorim. Bioware should really beware the revolt if he isn't a love interest now, the way they handled Gorim was bad enough. This time... There will be a reckoning!

[jackkel dragon]

Apollo Starflare wrote...

yukidama wrote...

They're not just fine dwarven crafts, they're the FINEST (as is totally appropriate because Varric's "dwarven crafts" are definitely finer than Gorim's... sorry buddy).

Well, it's official then. Varric has surpassed Gorim. Bioware should really beware the revolt if he isn't a love interest now, the way they handled Gorim was bad enough. This time... There will be a reckoning!

Tease me once, shame on you.
Tease me twice, and the writer's pit will be your only safe haven.

[Russalka]

Just hearing the sound of his voice makes me feel like someone just ran some warmed-up maple-syrup over my pancake.