Now all things considered you don't have to read these chapters because they don't really deal with any Forumites. So I will quickly sums things up at the end of this post. Although I do suggest you read the intro and chapter six.
Intro50,000 years before the citadel was discovered, two reapers floated in dark space before a evilly glowing relay. The first one moved towards it, but was stopped by the second, bigger one.
Harbinger: Estimated time of return?
Sovereign: Consensus has not been reached.
Harbinger was silent for a moment, its databanks processing the infomation. then turned to go
Harbinger: Ascended beings need not fear pain.
Sovereign reached out a tentacle and loving touched Harbinger's back.
Sovereign: Especially in the presence of another ascended being.
Harbinger turned back around and the too reaper's locked in a synthetic loving embrace, their docking ports extending and connecting in the intimite sharing of mechanicle fluids. It seemed to last forever, until Sovereign finally broke away.
Sovereign: This exchange is over, the organic beings live becuase we allow it, they will end because we demand it.
The reaper floated over to the relay and disappeared, leaving Harbinger in dark space with the rest of the reaper fleet. The reaper waved one tentacle in farewell, then disappeared into the dark.
Chapter OneShepard surveyed the once "butiful" landscape of Eden Prime, now riddled with craters and dead bodies. Beside her Kaidan apllied his lip gloss.
Kaidan: Oh mah gawd, what happened here?
Shepard: *rolls eye* Lets move out.
The trio moved across the rough turrain, shooting a few gas bags along the way. They rounded a corner, coming to a path laden with many boulders. A good spot for a firefight, if there was one. Shepard had a feeling, something wasn't right, she raised a fist and her companions stopped. Looking around she saw nothing amiss, but one could never be so sure.
Jenkins: Want me to check it out, Commander?
Shepard didn't like Jenkins. He was always in her face, annoying her with his romantic views of being a spectre. There was no way she was going to let the twit take the lead, especially if she was going to become a spectre.
Shepard: Not in your life, Im the spectre, so I go first!
She shoved the coporal aside and darted into the middle of the path. Two Geth Sentries riddled her body with bullets! They pierced through her armor and exploded inside her body, thus sending a gory spray of internal organs, flesh and shrapnel in every which direction. The commander was hit by a rocket, she exploded backwards as her intestines flew out of the large hole in her chest. Like streamers on a kite.
Kaidan: Dwubble Wainbuwes! Uh my guwd!
The two quickly returned fire, dealing with their enemies. Kaidan skipped over to his fallen Commander, and checked her vitals. She was dead.
Kaidan: They whipped thraight twoo her sheilds, thee didn't stand a thawnce.
Jenkins: Oh, will she be alright?
Kaidan: No, she's dead. The misswin is therminated. Radio the Normandy, tell 'em where coming bawk.
Jenkins moved away to contact the ship, while Kaidan stared at Shepard's lifeless body.
Kaidan: Man, Thawis weally irritates my head lump.
Chapter TwoAnderson was at the Humen Embassy on the Citidel, he had been staring at the Eden Prime report for hours. His eyeballs were now bloodshot and dry. Maybe he should of recomended a more competent person for the task. He knew he should have stuck to his gut and recomended Nihlus to be the first humen spectre, but he had mysteriously disappeared back on the planet. The door swished open as Udina (who looked quite constipated) walked in.
Anderson: Oh, hello......Say, have you not been taking that fiber suppliment your doctor subscribed to you?
Udina: Do you know how long it took me to get Shepard's application accepted by the Council? And now you get her killed!
Anderson: I understand that this outcome has been quite......unexpected. By that doesn't mean that we can't reccomend another person to take her place. One who is smarter, faster, and not as likely to get himself killed in the first mission of the game.
Udina: Way ahead of you. On the way here I ran into someone who knows quite alot about Shepard, and I think they can be quite capable for the job.
Later...
Conrad: Oh gee, a spectre? My wife would love that.
Conrad sat before Anderson and Udina, wearing his homemade N7 armor. It was made out of carboard looked a little stained around the crotch. He also had on his wife's high heels.
Udina: Fine, just sign the paperwork and we will send it to the Council. You have had military training, right?
Conrad: Um......I bought a couple of Shepard action figures one time.
Udina: Good enough for me. Your in.
Anderson: What have we done?
Conrad: Yayz!
Chapter ThreeConrad: Golly since I'm a spectre now. Do I get my own flying space thingy?
Anderson: Yes, Conrad. I said that twelve times now.
Conrad: Yeah, I won't let Shepard's death be in vain. Whoever killed the commander will pay.
Anderson: Uh, the things that killed Shepard are already dead.
Conrad: Then what am I suppose to do now?
Anderson: Remember this time! Conrad, your mission as a spectre is to discover who is behind the attacks on Edin Prime.
Conrad: What's Edin Prime? Is that a new type of salad?
Anderson: UHG! Don't you ever listen?
The door hissed open.
Door: Hiss!
And Udina walked in, this time he looked less constipated. He put his arm around Conrad and then itched his butt.
Udina: Hows are new spectre doing? Ready to take on the galaxy?
Conrad: I'll make Shepard proud!
Udina: Good to hear it, I assume Anderson has debriefed you?
Anderson: Yeah, but you see-
Udina: Perfect! Be carefull Conrad, your actions out there reflect humanity as a species. The pressure is on you. There could be major political implications for anything that happens, and try not to get yourself killed.
Conrad: Get myself killed? No one mentioned anything about violence when I signed on! I don't want to die.
His eyes began to swell up and become really big with tears.
Anderson: *rolls eyes* Here we go.
But before Conrad could start to cry a river Kaidan Alenko bolted into the Embassy with startling news about the condition and state of the crew of the SSV Normandy.
Kaidan: I've got startling news about the condition and state of the crew of the SSV Normandy!
Anderson: Lets here it.
Kaidan: Thew've allwe decide to quit. They've swed they won't work for a pansy awes no gwude son of a ****! Ownly me and that dreamy hunk of a man Joker are staying. Mmmm.
Conrad began to cry at the news that Kaiden mentioned.
Udina: Don't worry we will get you a new crew.
Chapter FourConrad was going to find the biggest, baddest, the toughest and put them on his crew. He decided to to head to Chora's Den, there were sure to be some bad asses lurking around in there.
Unfortunately Conrad did not know where Chora's Den was, leaving him to wander aimlessly around the wards. Eventually he stumbled across his old waiting spot, it touched his heart. He would wait here every day to catch a glimpse of commander Shepard. Shepard often passed by here to buy weapons and illegal mods. It was a good vantage point for many of his stalker photos of the commander.
Conrad: Maybe Shepard wasn't the only hero that shopped here, maybe I can find someone like shepard to join my crew!
He looked around, but no one looked tough enough. Then he turned his head, and saw his first crew mate. Across from him a man was argueing with a turian who looked pretty smug from where he was standing behind his stall.
Man: Listen, I want my refund!
Turian: Do you have a receipt?
Man: Well, no. But I bought this omni-converter from you yesterday, it doesn't work and now I want my refund!
Turian: No proof of purchase, no refund.
Man: I WANT MY REFUND!
Conrad: Your.......PERFECT!
The man turned around to see who was talking about him. He came face to face with Conrad who's heavy breathing was now making his eyes water.
Refund guy: Who are you?
Conrad: Why, Im Commander Shepar- I mean, Conrad Verner, and I want you to be on my team, you have certainly proved yourself by the way you handled that evil turian.
Refund Guy: Will I get my refund?
Conrad: I will get Anderson right on that!
RefundGuy: Okay!
Conrad put his arm around his first recruit as they walked back through the wards. Eventually they came across a medi-clinic. There was various gunfire and loud noises coming from inside.
Conrad: Oh yes! My first official act as a spectre, Shepard I won't let you down!
Conrad suited up in his cardboard N7 armor, high heels and grabbed his squirt pistol. He and the Refund guy rushed through the doors!
Conrad: Stop in the name of Commander Shepard!
A blue turian tackled Conrad and pushed him to the ground behind a waist high wall of flowers.
Garrus: What the hell are you thinking? This is not the place for you!
Conrad: I'm a spectre!
Garrus: Ha, nice try.
Conrad: No look, I will get out my offcial spectre license.
Garrus: Now is not the best time!
The turian bolted over the baricade and shot several mercs. That was followed by a gernade. The explosion sent a merc and his weapon flying and landing next to conrad.
Refund Guy: Look that merc has a omni-converter.
The refund guy reached for the dead merc's omni-converter but, Conrad slapped his wrist.
Conrad: Don't loot the dead. grr!
Conrad then eyed the mercs pistol, he picked it up.
Refund Guy: What are you doing with that?
Conrad: I will prove to the turian that i'm a true spectre!
Conrad jumped up from behind the flowers and pointed the gun.
Conrad: How do I shoot?
Rufund Guy: How should I know?
Conrad: AH!!!
He found the trigger, the recoil sent him flying back into the wall. But the bullet hit Garrus right in the back of the head, as the fireing stopped the medic came over and tried to treat the turian. But he was dead.
Conrad: Wah! My head hurts.
The spectre began to cry. Then the person Garrus was fighting revealed herself.
Refund Guy: Your hawt!
The merc was dressed black skintight body jumpsuit, probably made from cevlar. It was snug in all the right places, there was a ammo belt across her waist. She also had black thighhighboots and huge zipper running down her front. She took off her helmet and her layered/feathered blonde hair fell to her shoulders. She could easily be a model.
Conrad staired at the humen female, he knew he found the next member of his crew. And his next love interest for that matter.
Sarah Williams: Who the hell are you?
Conrad began to hold back his tears.
Conrad: I'm Conrad Verner! I'm a spectre! And I need people like you on my crew.
Sarah: Hold on a moment.
She proceeded over to the doctor of the clinic and forced her to hand over all credits and medical supplies. She then beat the doctor till she lost conscienceness, Conrad looked on in awe. The Refund Guy cowered behind the corner.
Sarah: Your where saying?
Conrad: I'm a spectre *pulls out offcial liscene* and I need people like you on my crew.
Sarah: Why?
Conrad: Investigate why the Geth attacked Edin Prime, our search will take us all over the galaxy.
Sarah thought about it for a while, it was obvious Conrad was in over his head and a total loser. But she needed to get off the citidel to avoid being caught by c-sec. She decided to join up, after all it would be easy to take advantage of him.
Sarah: Im in.
Refund Guy: Refund Guy disapproves!
He got up into her face, she was just a little taller then him thanks to her thighhighs. He breathed heavly down her throat.
Sarah: Is he going to be a problem?
Then he gave her a long glare. Then licked her neck.
Refund Guy: Meh, I guess you can come along.
Conrad: Yeah! We make a great team.
Chapter FiveHuman Embassy...
Udina: Conrad that will never do!
Conrad: But I have the best team in the galazy.
Udina: Well I figured you would get two squadmates so Anderson decided to enlist these people to help you.
Refund Guy: WE don't need no help!
Anderson: That's where your wrong. I found these people fighting over a fornax magazine behind my trash bin. You can have 'em.
Anderson pulled a curtain to reveal some more squadmates, one was Kaiden, the others wear a volus and a quarian.
Biotic God: Behold I shall sweep down all before me, fear me mortals and tremble before your maker!
Udina: That's the Biotic God, you know Kaidan and I forget the quarian's name.
Kal Reager: My naaame is Kaaaal Reeeaager!
Udina: Yeah sure what ever! Have fun hunting down those responsible!
Then he kicked them all out the door of the human embassy. Conrad took his crew down in the seedy gentleman's club known as Chora's Den, Conrad was seated at the bar with his new crew.
Conrad: *trying to get bar maid's attention* Lady, he-hey lady!
Bar Lady: what do you want?
Conrad: Five beer and one watered down milk please!
The lady went to fill in the orders as Kaidan turned to Conrad
Kaidan: UHG, why duh we have tu bwe hwere? I left mah lip gloth back on the Nwormwanny! My wips are getting all crusty!
Conrad: I think celbrations are in order! Shepard would be so pleased I am following in her footsteps.
Sarah: Wow, your a dork.
Refund Guy: Remember to always keep the reciept! And never use creditcard or visa!
Kal Reeger: Who are you people? I didn't sign up for any of this!
Conrad was happy in many ways becuase he was watching the strippers. He threw his hands up in the air and giggled with pleasure.
Conrad: YEAH! OH YEAH!
Five cases of watered down milk later and Conrad was as drunk as, well, a drunk person. He swayed on his stool, leaning on Sarah for support.
Conrad: .whu-ay helllllo, thar HICCUP thar, wunt to makeHICCUP owt with yur elbooows! Your kinda pretty!
Sarah: /:( I don't need this. Perhaps I was better off as a fugitive, I will be safe as long as Ashley never finds out.
With help from Refund Guy she dragged Conrad away from his drink and pulled him to the door. Along the way they passed a shadowy corner where two figures sat, hunched together and murmering.
???: And so I said... *hic*
???: I heard that too...
???: Your right my friend...
???: I would have to agreed... *hic*
???: Shepard the-soon-to-be Spectre was on Edin Prime?
???: don't worry, I took care of that.
Sarah: Hold on a sec.
They pressed themselves against the wall where no one could see them, listening in on the conversation. Sarah poked her head around to the corner and brought it back fast.
Sarah: Is that Udina?
Kal Reager: Who is the turian?
Udina: Tell me, how did it go.
???: Quite well, actually, the beacon has been recovered, no witnesses, our plan is intact. But the council is curious to know what happened. *facepalm* All this is so complicated, how will it ever work out?
Udina reached over and placed his hand on the Turian's
Udina: You feel so tense, all that stress is making your body tight. Don't worry, the plan will suceed.
Undina scooched over and began to rub his neck.
???: Oh yes.
Udina: So I heard you leik Mudkipz.
???: Thats none of your biznizz!
The turian reached down his pants and pulled out some vodkahol, and poared a glass.
???: The reapers will come, and you and I will embrace in the glorious destruction of it all. Together, forever. Or my name isn't Saren!
Udina: I will drink to that!
Refund Guy: See they have their reciept!
Sarah: I think we should get Conrad back to the ship, lets-
She looked to her left where conrad should of been, but wasn't. There was a noise and a scream. Sarah ran around the corner to see Conrad standing in front of Udina and Saren.
Conrad: Get 'way frum mah wife! >
Conrad pointed and yelled angrily at Saren.
Saren: *hic* You wana take this outside, little man?
Conrad: Who?
Saren: Your insolence has defied this mans honor! I seek to reclaim it!
Conrad: Whu-at yah gonna do?
Saren: I challenge you.....To a kareoke battle!
Conrad: Nu-uh!
Saren: Uh-hu!
Conrad: Nu-uh!
Saren: Uh-hu!
Conrad: Nu-uh!
Saren: Uh-hu!
Conrad: Nu-uh!
Saren: Uh-hu!
Everyone: *GASP*
DUN DUN DUN
Conrad: I wunna make Shepard proud of my voice. MY name is Conrad Verner first humen spectre!
Saren: If I win this Kareoke/dance off you must surrender all your bases to be our ours!! *hic*
Conrad: Uh, what yah gonna give meh?
Saren though for a bit, searching his pockets, But the only thing he found was a data chip labeled, "SECRET PWAN TO BWING BACK THE WHEEPERS"!
Saren: um...all I have is-
Conrad: Thar'll do! *hic*
Conrad jumped on the dance stage and grabbed the mic and began to sing his heart out. He sang about his one true idol, Commander Shepard Three hours and Sixteen cases of vodka later Conrad had won and now stood on stage holding his prize and the trophy he won.
Conrad: The *hic* sky is your limmit!
His crew, along with the rest of Chora's den, cheered him on as he was crowned kareoke Champion of the Universe. But two figures sulked in the back.
Udina: *throws self in Saren's arms* Saren, do something!
Saren: But I lost!
Udina: DO SOMETHING! >
Saren: Okay, I will! But only because I want too, not because you told me too! *hic*
Walking up on stage he took conrad's trophy and hit him over the head with it. Conrad fell like a rock. From the crowd Kaidan shook his "Fist" and yelled in anger.
Kaidan: HUH-EY! you stwepped on mah lwip gloth!
Conrad tried to get up but instead vomited all over the nearest person. Which happened to be Saren and Kaidan.
Now Kaidan was really man, he proceeded to punch the next nearest person, with happened to be the Biotic God.
Biotic God: Mortal fools, feel the rath of my awsome powers! None shall stand before me!
Summing up all his energy he shot his most poweful attack at him. The tiny dot of biotic power flew out of his finger and sizzled harmlessly on Kaidan's head bump, but it scared him all the same. Kaidan screamed and started sissy slapping everyone, soon an all out brawl begun. The Lt. was immediatly trampled by the patrons and the Krogan mercs that just happend to be in the club.
Kal Reeger dived behind a table, fearing for his life he took out his rocket launcher he fired randomly into the crowd, bodies exploded everywhere.
Kal Reeger: We need to get out of here!
Refund Guy: I will get the reciept!
The refund guy crawled over the counter and struggled with the Bar Tender for control of the cash register. Saren was still beating the cowering body of Conrad with his own Kareoke trophy.
Saren: ALL I want is my data chip!
Blood and tears oozed from Conrad's head.
Conrad: waaaaaaah! Leave me alone!
Conrad was sobbing frantically as his beating continued, In fear he lashed out, on of his severely untrimmed fingernails making an inch deep cut through Saren's skin. since he hadn't cleaned his nails in a long time the wound was infected immediately. Saren screamed in pain, dropping the Trophy.
Meanwhile Sarah found herself being flung across the bar by a angry Krogan and ended up hitting Saren. She stumbled to her feat and began to help up the spectre. Conrad reached out to grab her hand then vomited up some more drinks.
Sarah: Ewww, gross. Iky I am soo not touching that.
She refused to help him up so it was now up to the Biotic God, who eventually waddled up to the stage. He grabbed Conrad and the bolted out the door.
Kal Reager: Lets get out of here, I don't intend on getting a suit rupture today!
The quarian fired another rocket inside the joint as they made it out the door.
Biotic God: Woah, I feeling the lack of a mortal pressence in my midst! We are one short!
Everyone except Conrad (who was barely consicence) looked back inside and saw the Refund Guy hitting the bar tender over the head with the cash register.
Sarah: C'mon!
The Refund Guy grabbed all the cash and took off, but in his hurry he left the reciept.
Saren hissed at the pain, shaking his fist in anger at the retreating squad.
Saren: You have made a very powerless enemy, mark my words! You will never forget the day you came across Saren Atruris, mastermind of the EdinPrime attack, murderer of Shepard and Niluhs and servent of the Reapers!
Conrad's eyes lit with fire when he heard Saren say that. But his crew wouldn't let him go back in, they had a data chip to decode.
Chapter SixConrad was bruised and had "hello kitteh" band-aids plastered all over his face. His cardboard N7 armor was soiled and soaked with beer and vondka, plus Conrad broke a heel. But that wouldn't stop him. He had to present the evidence to the Council in order to prove Saren was behind the attack.
Conrad: You wanted proof? Here it is!
Asari Councilwoman: This is hardly proof to convict a spectre.
Kaidian: Uwh, meh gawd! You groove kats are always like low down awnd swiingin your hewmp to way uew swang! But alas the constilations shine brightly and reveal the hypocrasy!
Sarah: Im sick of this Council and it's anit-human bull-
TurianCouncilman: You humans think you are soo smart, your species need to learns it place in the galaxy!
Kal' Reagar: All of you are like totally racist!
Conrad: All of you are disgracing the memory of Commander Shepard. *begins to break down and cry*
TurianCouncilman: You watch your tounge Conrad! Does Udina really let you **** around like that?
Sarah: So you won't listen?
TurianCouncilman: Lalalalalala can't hear you!
AsariCouncilwoman: Leave now before you have us arrest you for interupting the three way we had going.
Conrad: *crying* Fine lets go...
The team began to leave, but then Kaidan noticed something strange about the asari Councilwoman. A zipper running down her side.
Kaidan: Wait a theecound!
Biotic God: Woah man what is ruining your vibe man?
Kaidan pointed to the councilwoman.
Kaidan: She's a MAN baby!
Kaidan ripped of the facemask using his grablinghook/lipgloss! He then grabbed the masked and showed it to the team and the growing crowd.
Kal' Reagar: That means... The asari Councilwoman is actually-
RandumbVangaurd: Me! And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddleing kids!
Sarah: **** was is he doing here!
RandumbVangaurd: I am hear to oversee the return of the Reapers! It's a galatic conspiracy you know.
Conrad: *wipes tear from eye* Galatic Conspiracy? Why would you want to bing back the reapers?
RandumbVangaurd: I don't know I never really thought about it. But the idea sounds cool!
Conrad: So you killed Shepard and ordered the attack on Edin Prime! You will pay!
Conrad grabbed his heel and threw it at Randumb Vangaurd, hitting him in the face.
RandumbVangaurd: Saren, Udina quickly there catching on too us!
Saren and Udina jumped down from the upper balcony, the both landed ontop of the remaining councilmembers. The squish made them went dead.
Udina: Oh man, not good! Game over man! Game over!
Saren: Hold on I'll fire up the teleportal device!
Kaidan: Uh meh gwuud did he just say teleportwul?
Saren pulled out his pocket-size portable Teleportal device and turned it on. There was a flash as a portal appeared where the council use to stand. Saren and Udina jumped through.
RandumbVangaurd: Haha you can never catch us now! Nothing can stop the Reaper's return.
Conrad: Gimme that!
He tackled Kal' Reager to the ground and grabbed his rocket launcher. He got up and fiddled around with the buttons.
Kal' Reager: Dude, thats my rocket launcher! It was a gift from the admiralty board!
Conrad: I don't care.
Conrad aimed at RandumbVangaurd, but he didn't notice because he was monolaugeing about the Reapers. Conrad fired! The recoil sent him fly back into Sarah.
Conrad: Owwwwww, I have a booboo!
The rocket however hit RandumbVanguard in the stomach, his intestines exploded like a hampster in a mircrowave! There was a gaping hole in his chest, blood poured out. But the blast force sent him flying into the portal.
Conrad: Suit up for EVA where going after them!
A few moments later there was a explosion as Joker flew the Normandy through the Council Chambers. Civilians and diplomats and everything not bolted down was sucked into the void of space.
Joker: Conrad, inside now!
Conrad, Sarah, Kaidan, Kal' Reager, Refund Guy and the Biotic God quckly entered the airlock just as Joker took the Normandy through the portal.
Joker: Hold on tight!
The G's where extreme, everyone was thrown backwards against the wall and couldn't move. Conrad heard a snap as he hit the wall, that was fallowed by a sharp pain!
Conrad: Don't wana be a spectre no more!
He began to pee himself and cry alot, the crew that was pinned to the wall next to him became really annoyed. Especially when the pee flew back and hit them in the face.
Pressly: Shut that man up!
Sarah: Tell me about it!
There was a bright flash as they exited the portal, everyone then fell to the cold, hard floor.
Conrad: Medic!!!
Joker: We are going down! The engines cut out!
Refund Guy: If you have the reciept and it under warranty you can get a new one!
The ship shook and things broke as it crashed into the ground. People where flung about and got lots of booboos. Conrad blacked out.
Good, time for the summery. Conrad is made spectre, he gathers a team consisting of Kaidan, Kal' Reager, Refund Guy, Biotic God and Ashley WIlliam's sister. Together they discovered that RandumbVangaurd, Saren and Udina have taken over the council and plan to bring back the Reapers. But the all got sucked into a rift in the space before the story could go anywhere.
Modifié par Captain Cornhole, 10 septembre 2010 - 02:30 .
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