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[horacethegrey]

(Deep in the Terminus Systems, the Collector Vessel is tailing the Normandy SR1.)

Collector Guardian: Normandy SR1 in range.

Harbinger/Collector General: Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

(The Collector Vessel fires, and neatly slices the Normandy in half)

Harbinger: (screaming) CAREFUL YOU IDIOT! I SAID ACROSS HER NOSE, NOT UP IT!!!

(The gunner turns to face him, revealing a very cross eyed Collector drone.)

Collector Drone: Sorry sir! Doing my best!

Harbinger: Who made that drone a gunner?

Collector Assassin: I did sir!

(They look at the assassin, who is also cross eyed.)

Collector Assassin: He's my cousin!

Harbinger: ...Who is he? 

Collector Guardian: He's an **** sir.

Harbinger: I KNOW THAT! What's his name?

Collector Guardian: That is his name sir. Assassin 39 ****.

Harbinger: And his cousin?

Collector Guardian: He's an **** too sir. Drone 169 ****.

Harbinger: HOW MANY ****S DO WE HAVE ON THIS SHIP ANYWAY?!

(The entire crew of Collectors stands up)

Collector crew: YO!

Harbinger: (looks disbelievingly) I don't believe it, I've cloned an entire race of ****s... (suddenly serious) KEEP FIRING ****S!!!

Ahem. Sorry couldn't help it.

[Sajuro]

Collector General: Prepare to attack on the count of three. One, Two

-Normandy jumps to FTL-

Collector General: What? Where did they go?

Collector Guardian: They must have a strong FTL drive!

Collector General: and what do we have, a Cuisinart?

Collector Guardian: No sir!

Collector General: Well, catch them!

Collector Guardian: Prepare ship for FTL

Collecter General: No, that's too slow!

Guardian: FTL is too slow?

General: We're going to have to go to: Ludicrous Speed!

-Collectors Gasp-

General: Now hear this-

Guardian: Sir, you should buckle up!

General: ah buckle this! Ludicrous Speed, GO!

-on board the normandy giant plaid tunnel goes in past them-

Joker: What the hell was that.

EDI: Scanners indicate that it was the Collector Ship

Joker: They've gone to plaid...

Modifié par Sajuro, 26 septembre 2010 - 04:41 .

[SLooPPy JOE]

nice

[MadCat221]

(Tali emerges from the secret lair under the sand dune)

Rael: Tali... Come to me, my sweet child....

Tali: Dad, is that really you?

Rael: Of course it's me... would I lie?

(Tali walks towards Rael, almost in a trance, Legion emerges from the lair, its eye changing colors and becoming brighter)

Legion: Creator Tali'Zorah!  Do not approach unidentified person!

*Too late, Tali collapses as Rael disappears and becomes a Harbinger-possessed Collector*

Harbinger: YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED.

*two more Collectors sneak up behind Legion and sack it*

Legion: Warning!  Release this platform or-- *DEEEEEOOOOoooooooop*


*******

(Shepard and Garrus walk down a Collector Base hall, guns ready and constantly scanning for targets.  They have pieces of Collector carapace hastily tied onto their armor, still dripping with blood.  They round a corner into what appears to be a detention block, they immediately start checking through the door viewports)

Shepard: Nope.

Garrus: Nope.

(They move down to the next two)

Shepard: Nope.

Garrus: Nope.

Tali (OS): Noboooooody knows...

Shepard: ... It's coming from there.

Garrus: That can't be her.

Tali(OS): the trouble I've seen.....

(they open the viewport and see Tali and Legion sitting there rather morosely)

Tali: Noboooooody knows... but Keelaaaaaahhhh....

Shepard: It's her.

Garrus: ...She's a bass!

Modifié par MadCat221, 26 septembre 2010 - 04:54 .

[Sajuro]

-on a mission where Shepard has to escort al-Jilani who has been complaining the whole way, the mercenaries are shooting and a bullet grazes her hair-
Al-Jilani: My hair,  they shot my hair -grabs Shepard's revenant and mows down all of the mercenaries on the platform-
Zaeed:.... holy ****!
Shepard: That's pretty good -ahem-  for a reporter.
Legion: That is above expected performence for Zaeed.
-----
Harbinger: Comb the desert!
Collector General: Have you found anything yet?
Collector dragging comically large comb: We ain't found ****!

----
-Shepard is fighting Baby Reaper and it kills part of sound crew with its claw swipe-
Baby Reaper: um, he did it -points to shepard-

[Esbatty]

"Tali: Noboooooody knows... but Keelaaaaaahhhh....



Shepard: It's her.



Garrus: ...She's a bass!

"



That is f***in' gold!

[Elessara]

*giggles*

I love Space Balls.

[Sajuro]

-meeting the Shadow Broker-



Shepard: What are you?



Liara: He's a Yahg, half Yeti half Dog



Shadow Broker: I'm my own best friend

[horacethegrey]

 Heh. Thanks for all the replies. And just to show that the fun doesn't have to be restricted to one Mel Brooks movie:

Young Frankenstein

Illusive Man: One nasty looking Collector Ship over there, but I'm not going to be the first.

(After Shepard is nearly killed on Collector Vessel)

Shepard: (angrily) DAMN YOUR EYES!!!

Illusive Man: (grins evilly at camera) Too late.


Blazing Saddles

(Omega, the Blues Suns, Blood Pack and Eclipse merc groups have Garrus surrounded. As they are about to kill him, Garrus draws his own pistol and points it at himself.)

Garrus: (growling) Hold it. The next man who makes a move the turian gets it.

(They all look pensive for a moment, then Tarak speaks up.)

Tarak: Hold it men. He's not bluffing.

Jaroth: Listen to him men! He's just crazy enough to do it!

Garrus: (growling) Drop it! OR I SWEAR I'LL BLOW THIS TURIAN'S HEAD ALL OVER THIS STATION! (suddenly switches to a whiny voice) Oh lordy lord! He's desperate! Do what he says! Do what he says!

(The mercs all drop their weapons in disgust, and Garrus slowly walks himself over to his hideout. All the while pointing his own gun at his head.)

Jentha: Isn't anyone gonna help that poor man?

Jaroth: Hush Jentha! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Garrus: (whiny voice) Oh! Help me! Help me! Somebody help me! Help me! Help me! (growling) SHUT UP!!!

(Garrus then puts a hand over his mouth, and enters his hideout.)

Garrus: (sighing and grinning to himself) Oh baby... You are so talented. (he then looks at the camera in disbelief) And they are so DUMB!

[GtarTravis]

Harbinger: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roomate!



Shepard: ... So what does that make us?



Harbinger: Nothing... which is exactly what you are about to become!









Harbinger: Ahhh I see your schwartz is as big as mine!

[Sajuro]

-Tali and Shepard are about to kiss when Legion bursts into the room with alarms blaring-

Shepard: What is that?

Legion: It is my built in Virgin alarm, designed to go off before you do

Tali: Keelah

---
-inside Illusive Man's Lair-

Shepard: Illusive Man, what is it that you do here?

TIM: Merchandising.

Garrus: Merchandising, what's that?

TIM: Merchandising, I'll show you -leads Shepard to room with a bunch of merchandise- Merchandising, where the real money from the game is made. The Mass Effect T-shirt,the Mass Effect coloring book, the Mass Effect Lunch box, Mass Effect Cereal, the official Mass Effect Cain -fires off screen- the kids love that one, and last but last but not least the Mass Effect doll, me -holds up TIM doll and pulls string-

TIM Doll: -in cute voice- too idealistic, right from the start.

TIM: -kisses doll- adorable.

Modifié par Sajuro, 26 septembre 2010 - 07:00 .

[Goodwood]

Goodwood is detecting large quantities of win in this sector...

[Greatwoof]

horacethegrey wrote...

(Deep in the Terminus Systems, the Collector Vessel is tailing the Normandy SR1.)

Collector Guardian: Normandy SR1 in range.

Harbinger/Collector General: Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

(The Collector Vessel fires, and neatly slices the Normandy in half)

Harbinger: (screaming) CAREFUL YOU IDIOT! I SAID ACROSS HER NOSE, NOT UP IT!!!

(The gunner turns to face him, revealing a very cross eyed Collector drone.)

Collector Drone: Sorry sir! Doing my best!

Harbinger: Who made that drone a gunner?

Collector Assassin: I did sir!

(They look at the assassin, who is also cross eyed.)

Collector Assassin: He's my cousin!

Harbinger: ...Who is he? 

Collector Guardian: He's an **** sir.

Harbinger: I KNOW THAT! What's his name?

Collector Guardian: That is his name sir. Assassin 39 ****.

Harbinger: And his cousin?

Collector Guardian: He's an **** too sir. Drone 169 ****.

Harbinger: HOW MANY ****S DO WE HAVE ON THIS SHIP ANYWAY?!

(The entire crew of Collectors stands up)

Collector crew: YO!

Harbinger: (looks disbelievingly) I don't believe it, I've cloned an entire race of ****s... (suddenly serious) KEEP FIRING ****S!!!

Ahem. Sorry couldn't help it.

That's scary.  Of course, once you cloned an an ****, you'd expect to have a whole lot of an **** on board.

[Sajuro]

- at an Eclipse Base-

Merc 1: -coming out of restroom- God these are hard to get on, face it you have to be a man to wear this armor, well how does it look?

Merc 2: Perfect

Merc 1: Just as always

-more mercs come up-

Group of mercs: We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the galaxy looking for fights
We're men, men in tiiiiights.
we rob from the rich and take from the poor, that's right!
We maaay look like sissies but watch what you say or we'll put out your lights -blind salarian punches human next to him-
We're men, we're men in tights.
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
-join arms and start doing do the can can- laaaaaaaaaa laa laa laa laa lalalalala laaa laa laa laalalalala
We're men, Manly Men, We're men in tights
-snap fingers- yes
We roam around the galaxy looking for fights
We're men, we're men in tights
we rob from the rich and take from the poor, that's right
We maaay look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or we'll put out your lights
We're men, we're men in tights -high pitched- tights, tights
always on guard defending the people's riiiiights
when you have  no where to go just calll eclipse, very much

-Shepard, Tali, and Zaeed are watching-
Zaeed:.... what the ****?

-on Illium-
Niftu Cal: I am the keeper of a greater magic
Jacob: Biotics?
Niftu Cal: No, the schwarz.

[HK-90210]

Illusive Man: Well, if it isn't Shepard, and his sidekick, Archangel.
Garrus: That's Garrus.
Illusive Man: Garrus, Archangel, whatever. Where's my intel?
Shepard: Don't worry, broker, you'll have it by next week. =)
Illusive Man: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.
Shepard: The entire genetic history of the Collectors?! By tomorrow?!
Illusive Man: Genetic history? Ha ha ha! No way! You forgot the 2nd disk! Which brings it up to, uhhh... The entire Collector  Base!
Shepard: THE COLLECTOR BASE?! That's unfaaaair.

***************************
Miranda:  But  Illusive Man... I don't love him...
Illusive Man: I'm sorry, Miranda. He's the last male Spectre left in the galaxy!
Nihlus: (rubs the bullet wound on the back of his head and yawns)
Udina: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to see Miranda Lawson, Operative of Cerberus, going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!
 
(An entire movie later.)
 
Udina: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here we are gathered here together... agian...
Miranda: Why didn't you tell me he destroyed the Collector Base?
Illusive Man: I didn't think it was important!
Udina: May I continue, please?
Illusive Man: (whisper) Besides, he said he wouldn't sacrifice the soul of our species to beat the Reapers.
Udina: Thank you. To join Operative Lawson, and Operative Nihlus- sorry, its the facepaint.
Nihlus: (nods good-naturedly)
Udina: Spectre Nihlus, in the bonds of hooooly (Normandy SR2 flies overhead) MOLEY!
Miranda: It's him! I know it's him, he's come back!
Udina: That's it! I'm taking no more chances. We're going to do a short version! Spectre Nihlus, do you take Operative Lawson to be your lawfully wedded femme fatale?
Nihlus: Uh huh.(gets shot in the head by Saren)
Udina: Operative Lawson, do you take Spectre Nihlus, to be your lawfully wedded badass?!
Miranda: Well- I- I suppose... oh, I don't know...
Shepard: (appears with Garrus at his side) NO, SHE DOESN''T!
Udina: Who the hell are you?!
Shepard: I'm Command-.(Shakes head) I'm Spectre Shepard.
Miranda: Spectre?!
Shepard: I just found out. I've been reinstated! I'm an Honest-to-God Spectre! Will you marry me?
Miranda: (Looks at Nihlus's dead body.) Well, let me think about it. (Uses Slam ability on his corpse.) Yes!
Udina: I'm sick of this. I don't really give a Reaper who it is, but I'm going to marry somebody today! OK, here we go! A SHORT, SHORT VERSION. Do you?
Shepard: Yes.
Udina: Do you?
Miranda: Yes!
Udina: Good! You're married! KISS HER!
(Shepard and Miranda kiss. Applause. Credits roll.)
 
Can be used for any Female LI. I also have a FemShep one, but that post might be too long.
 
***************************
(and one Young Frankenstein reference for good measure)
 
(Miranda standing over Shepard's dead body on a lab table)
Miranda: LIFE! LIFE, DO YOU HEAR ME! GIVE MY CREATION.... LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!

Modifié par CastonFolarus, 26 septembre 2010 - 07:45 .

[Sajuro]

-collector's searching for Shepard after his escape-
Collector Guardian: Pardon me sir, I have an idea. Drone get me the 2nd disk of Mass Effect 2.

Collector Drone: yes sir -sorts through a series of bioware games-

Collector General: May I speak with you?

Guardian: Sir?

General: How can we have a copy of the game, Bioware is still making it.

Guardian: that's true sir, but there has been a breakthrough in game making. It's called Patches so a company can ship a game before it is done.

General: naaaah.

Drone: Here it is sir, Mass Effect 2. -puts it in-

[Daskworx]

Sajuro wrote...

-meeting the Shadow Broker-

Shepard: What are you?

Liara: He's a Yahg, half Yeti half Dog

Shadow Broker: I'm my own best friend

LOL!

[Daskworx]

Sajuro wrote...

-collector's searching for Shepard after his escape-
Collector Guardian: Pardon me sir, I have an idea. Drone get me the 2nd disk of Mass Effect 2.

Collector Drone: yes sir -sorts through a series of bioware games-

Collector General: May I speak with you?

Guardian: Sir?

General: How can we have a copy of the game, Bioware is still making it.

Guardian: that's true sir, but there has been a breakthrough in game making. It's called Patches so a company can ship a game before it is done.

General: naaaah.

Drone: Here it is sir, Mass Effect 2. -puts it in-

Brilliant! 

[Sajuro]

-Collector General playing with his dolls-
Collector General: Miranda, at last I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you, the way I want to.

Miranda: No, no please leave me alone.

Collector General: No, you are mine

Shepard: Not so fast Harbinger!

General: Shepard!

Shepard: Yes it's me, I'm here to rescue my girlfriend. Hey Honey.

General: Now you are going to die -knocks Shepard dolls over-

Garrus: Hey what did you do to my friend?

General: The same thing I'm going to do to you Turian -knocks Garrus doll over- and you too -knocks Legion doll over- Now Miranda, at last we are alone.

Miranda: No no I hate you, yet I find you strangely attractive.

General: Of course you do, human women are attracted to credits and power and I have both and you know it. -presses the Collector General and Miranda dolls together-

[AresXX7]

For those who chose Anderson over Udina....what we'd like to see. 

Unemployment Clerk:Occupation? 
Udina:  Ambassador.
Unemployment Clerk: What?
Udina: Ambassador. I coalesce the vapors of human needs into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Unemployment Clerk: Oh, a *bullsh*t* artist!
Udina: *Grumble*...
Unemployment Clerk: Did you bullsh*t last week?
Udina: No.
Unemployment Clerk: Did you *try* to bullsh*t last week?
Udina: Yes!

Collector General: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Collector: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Collector General: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

Shepard: What's your sign?
Miranda: I'm sorry. It's... unlisted.

[M8DMAN]

Sajuro wrote...

-Collector General playing with his dolls-
Collector General: Miranda, at last I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you, the way I want to.

Miranda: No, no please leave me alone.

Collector General: No, you are mine

Shepard: Not so fast Harbinger!

General: Shepard!

Shepard: Yes it's me, I'm here to rescue my girlfriend. Hey Honey.

General: Now you are going to die -knocks Shepard dolls over-

Garrus: Hey what did you do to my friend?

General: The same thing I'm going to do to you Turian -knocks Garrus doll over- and you too -knocks Legion doll over- Now Miranda, at last we are alone.

Miranda: No no I hate you, yet I find you strangely attractive.

General: Of course you do, human women are attracted to credits and power and I have both and you know it. -presses the Collector General and Miranda dolls together-

*Collector Assassin Burst into the room*
Assassin: LORD GENERAL!

General:WHAT! *trys to hide dolls*

Assassin: Your needed on the bridge sir.

General: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!

Assassin: Yes Sir!

General: Did you see anything?!

Assassin: No sir i didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

General: Good!

*Assassin slams door*

[DanielJr]

LMFAO @ OP!  XD

Modifié par DanielJr, 26 septembre 2010 - 09:06 .

[AresXX7]

Here's a snippet of a certain song (it's too long to post in it's entirety).


The galaxy was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that Reaper be?
We looked around and then we found
The Reaper for you and me
LEAD TENOR PRAETORIAN:
And now it's...
Springtime for Harbinger and company.
Omega 4 is happy and gay!
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Harbinger and company
The galaxy's a fine place once more!
Springtime for Harbinger and company
Watch out, Milky Way
We're going on tour!
Springtime for Harbinger and company...
CHORUS:
Look, it's springtime
LEAD TENOR PRAETORIAN:
Winter for Tuchanka and Palaven
CHORUS AND PRAETORIAN :
Springtime for Harbinger and company!
CHORUS:
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
PRAETORIAN:
Come on, Collectors
Go into your dance! 

Modifié par AriesXX7, 26 septembre 2010 - 09:21 .

[AresXX7]

[as the Collectors and what is left of their base land on the Planet of the Pyjaks]

Pyjak #1:  Dear me. What are these things coming out of her docking bay? 
[One of the pyjaks takes his binoculars out and sees a Praetorian, a Scion, and the Collector General coming out of the base's docking bay]
Scion: Hey, hey, hey. Watch my sack. 
Pyjak #2: Collectors. 
Pyjak #1: Oh, sh*t. There goes the planet.





Edit: missed changing one of the words

Modifié par AriesXX7, 27 septembre 2010 - 12:13 .

[horacethegrey]

Yet again more from Blazing Saddles.

(Shepard sits morosely after the mission on Horizon. Garrus then puts an arm around him.)

Garrus: What did you expect? "Welcome Sonny?" "Make yourself at home?" "Marry my daughter?"... You have to remember that these are just simple colonists. These are people of the Terminus. The common clay of the galaxy. You know... morons.

Modifié par horacethegrey, 26 septembre 2010 - 09:52 .