1554 réponses à ce sujet

[Sajuro]

Isn't Leslie Nielsen, but moar airplane.



Tali: Shepard, I don't want to go on the Mako again, oh keelah it's all coming back, I'm going to die! -starts having a panic attack-

Liara: -starts shaking Tali- calm down it's going to be all right -slaps her-

Kaiden: Let me handle this -shakes Tali harder- Calm down -slaps Tali- everything is going to be all right!

Chakwas: I'm the medical professional -starts shaking Tali violently while slapping her- CALM DOWN!

Shepard: Joker needs you on the bridge doctor -keeps shaking Tali- Everything's going to be all right -slaps Tali-

Wrex: I can handle the Quarian -shepard slaps her again as he is leaving and Wrex takes up shaking Tali-

-behind Wrex the rest of the crew is waiting in line to slap her.



-2 years later they are eating dinner on the Normandy SR-2-

Shepard: Garrus remember that time Tali had a panic attack and we had to calm her down?

Tali: Keelah, it's all coming back -starts to shake- I've got to get out of here!

Garrus: -grabs Tali- calm down Tali, get a hold of yourself! -slaps her-

Samara: Let me handle this -starts shaking Tali- everything will be fine Tali -slaps her-

-Squadmates are lining up with various blunt objects.



-Batarian tries to blow up passenger shuttle near the citadel but Shepard is able to get the bomb away from him-

Shepard: Ground control, tell them I've got the bomb.

Ground Control Technician: He's got the bomb!

Technician 2: -to superior- He's got the bomb

Superior: -calls C-sec- Shepard's got the bomb.

Intern: My goodness, this is just like an election on Tuchanka.

[Fromyou]

challenge: galaxy of difference day at cerberus headquaters

[A2N2T]

Fromyou wrote...

challenge: galaxy of difference day at cerberus headquaters

OK!

Shepard: Hey!
TIM: Hello, Shepard.
Shepard: Do you know what day it is?
TIM: No, and I don't think that I want to.
Miranda: Surely you would've known what day it is.
TIM: Where did you come from?
Jacob: The same place I did.
TIM: ?
Jack: You don't want to know where I came from.
TIM: Oh, ****.
Shepard: Are you ready?
TIM: For what?
Shepard: For galaxy of difference day!
TIM: What?
Miranda: Yes. We all came here to make sure that you celebrate.
TIM: It is against Cerberus policie to celebrate this day.
Jack: Well too damn bad! Be happy that this is all I'm doing in here.
Shepard: We are here to make you appreciate the other species of this galaxy. Now come on, you're going to the party Garrus is throwing.
TIM: Damnit!

5 hours later.

TIM: You know something? That wasn't that bad.
Jacob: A hell of a lot better than what we usually do on this day.
Shepard: What's that?
Jacob: Well, we usually invite some aliens to a base. Mainly Turians, Salarians, and Asari. 
Shepard: OK.
TIM: We kill them all.
Jacob: Except for the Asari. We rape them first, then kill them.
TIM: And that is how we usually celebrate galaxy of difference day.
Shepard: Hmmm. Hey Samara! I need to see you alone for a few minutes. We need to, uh, chat.

[LordShrike]

FemShep gives Legion a cookie:

Legion: "Building Consensus... Geth do not eat cookies, Shepard-Commader."

FemShep:"Right. Where did the cookie go then?"

Legion:"No data available... May we have another to confirm our consensus?"

FemShep:"This is like when i asked about my armor isn't it?"

Legion:"No data available..."

*Cue flapping Geth-brows*

FemShep:"I Knew it! You like me!"

Legion:"Shepard-Commander, This platfor...."

*Paragon interrupt: FemShep Hug*

FemShep: "Happy Valentine Legion!"

Legion:"No data available, Shepard-Commander."

Bit late Valentines. Hope you like it.

(That part in Legion convos was always a little suspect. Or is it just me?)

[Binary Boy]

al-Jilan: Conrad Verner, a moment of your time please, Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilan Westerlund News.
Conrad: Of course, anything I can do to help
al-Jilan: You've been following in the footsteps of Shepard for years now, righting wrongs and uncovering red sand dealers, many say you've become quite a terror to bar owners everywhere.
Conard: Um, I guess.
al-Jilan: Don't you find it frustrating that all these red sand dealers get released when authorities find lack of evidence to convict them

(Conrad raises pistol and shoots al-Jilan in the foot)

Conrad: I learned to shoot people in the foot from...

(Conrad turns round and see's Shepard)

Conrad: C...Comander Shepard?

Shepard: Conrad! let me make this perfectly clear.

(Shepard points his Cain heavy weapon at Conrad's face briefly before lowering it)

Shepard: Oh wait, that's the annoying reporter I've punched twice now, carry on Conrad.

Modifié par Binary Boy, 16 février 2011 - 05:52 .

[chapa3]

Shepard: How's the investigation going?

Tela Vasir: Let me get you up to speed.

We know nothing. You are now up to speed.

[Sandbox47]

Shep: Are you wearing a cape?

Garrus: ... No.

Shep: Yes you are! I can see it! Flutering majestically in the wind.

Garrus: It's not a cape! It's a ... um ... horseshoe. No, wait! Damn it!

Shep: Hah! So go on, why do you wear a cape?

Garrus: Because... I am the Invincible Archangel...

Shep: And what's EDI doing?

Garrus: She's... the evil overlord.

Shep: You've been playing while I was out killing mercs!?

Garrus: ... No?

Shep: And seriously, what is EDI doing?

Garrus: Oh, she's making a death trap for me out of spinach.

Shep: *snorts* Spinach?

Garrus: ... My only weakness....

______________________________________________________________________________



Conrad: Shepard!

Shepard: Conrad!

Conrad: Oh no, it's Shepard!

Shepard: Oh look, it's Conrad!

Conrad: Gaaah! *gurgles and death* Shepard...

Shepard: Haha! *camels on meth* You Conrad...

________________________________________________________________________________



VI: Please leave you message after the beep. *beep*

Shep: Hello, this is commander Shepard. I am calling to say that I am effing sick of you guys getting in my way every time I go out to do a mission. Do the blue suns have no other agenda but to stalk me all the effing time? Now... We made a poor first impression on each other, with me shooting you to death. But I am confident that we might still reach some kind of agreement.

So here is what I propose: You pick up this phone now and I won't lauch a nuclear assault on your base. Or you leave the phone and I will lauch a nuclear ass-...

Blue Suns: You've got our attention.

Shep: Ah great. All I really wanted to know was if I would kill any of you by launching this nuclear assault. Well... ta!

*death by boom*

_______________________________________________________________________________



Reader: It's been a while since you posted anything funny, you know that?

Sandbox: Again!? And anyways, it doesn't have to be funny.

Reader: Useful, effing, loop hole for you, isn't it?

Sandbox: Look, why are we makinhg these? They are not relevant to part banter at all!

Reader: Which just proves that you are a ****ty writer!

Sandbox: Oh yeah!? Well maybe it's just you who sucks at reading!

Reader: Oh sure, rage against your own imagination. You make me sick.

Sandbox: That's because I AM sick!

Reader: And who's fault is it?

Sandbox: Let's just take this outside, alright?

Reader: This is how you got sick in the first place.

________________________________________________________________________________



Joker: Commander, I'm picking something up.

Shep: What is it?

Joker: No, it's all right. I've put it back down.

________________________________________________________________________________



EDI: Commander, I've picked something up from that new extranet software we installed.

Shep: What is it?

EDI: Cookies.

________________________________________________________________________________

[Kaltrec]

(Elevator doors open on the Council floor)

*Shepards recieve a punch to the face*

Avina: Please refrain from fighting in the Presidium

Shepard: Vasir? But...I thought you were dead...

Vasir: I got better.

Tali: Next time, let me bring my shotgun in here

Modifié par Kaltrec, 16 février 2011 - 11:17 .

[Sandbox47]

Yeah, I came up with these a while back but they felt too... weird. Well nevermind, here they are!

_______________________________________________________________________________



Binary Helix: Sale! Buy our equipment 20% cheaper than it was yesterday!

ExoGeni: Sale! Buy our equipment 20% cheaper than it will be tomorrow!

________________________________________________________________________________



Kelly: So, commander. It's time for your annual psych analysis.

Shep: I have annual psych analyses?

Kelly: Yes. This is the very first one.

Shep: *sighs* Alright, shoot.

Kelly: So what would you say is your biggest fear?

Shep: Pfft. I don't know. I've killed a lot of things. You're the shrink, you tell me.

Kelly: *thinks* Loss of your loved one?

Shep: Not if I can help it.

Kelly: Imprisonment?

Shep: That sounds like retirement to my ears.

Kelly: Blindness? Deafness? Being paralyzed from neck down? Drowning?

Shep: Nope, nope, nope and where have seen enough water for me to drown preciselly on the Normandy?

Kelly: *thinks* Well I don't kno-...

Shep: Holly crap, what's that!?

Kelly: O_O That's a spider.

Shep: Let me out of here!

______________________________________________________________________________



Shep: You cannot beat me, Harpoon ninja! I will destroy you as soon as you set a foot, or tentacle or whatever it is that you have for limbs, into this galaxy!

Harpoon ninja: I ALREADY HAVE INFLUENCE IN THIS GALAXY

Shep: Go to hell! No, wait, he is from hell, isn't he? Go home!

______________________________________________________________________________



Shep: Nobody moves!

Merc: Or what? Will you shoot us?

Shep: Pfft. No, I was just wondering whether I could take a picture.

_______________________________________________________________________________



Chakwas: I am pleased to say that the operation went fine. We mended all your broken bones. They are not quite in the same places that they were supposed to be be, but at least you're still not Joker.

___________________________________________________________________________

[Homebound]

Thane: It seems that one of us will have to distract the YMIR mech while the rest make a run for our weapons and gear.
Garrus: Heavy risk..
Shepard: But the priiize..
Garrus/Shep: LOLZ!!!1
Jacob: Would you knock it off?

Modifié par Just_mike, 16 février 2011 - 04:09 .

[Shadow_Soul]

-FemShep goes to talk with Garrus-
FemShep: Hello, Batman.
Garrus: Batman? What the hell?
S: Yeah, Batman. Your just like him, maybe a bit like Nightwing.
G: Who the f*ck is Batman?
S: A man.
G: I gathered that much.
S: A Human.
G: And that.
S: A hero.
G: Your not giving me much, Commander. Why are you acting like this?
S: Lots of beer and other liquor, I'm trashed. So, how are ya Batman?
G: Stop calling me that.
S: Fine, Nightwing. Listen, are you going to talk to me, or focus on your goddamn Calibrations?
G: Commander, why don't you go lie down.
S: Nope. I'm not tired, damn it!
G: Go bug somebody else then, like...Thane.
S: He's got meditations. And he's working on a message to Kolyat.
G: And I've got calibrations. What about Tali?
S: Cleaning the engine.
G: Kasumi? Miranda? Jacob?
S: Gray-box, paper work and fixing the squads' weapons.
G: Jack? Samara? Legion?
S: Asleep, meditating and playing Galaxy of Fantasy.
G: Joker? Kelly? Chakwas?
S: Flying the ship and bickering with EDI, paper work and healing Hawthorne.
G: Zaeed? Grunt? Mordin? Gadener?
S: Polishing Jessie, fixing his claymore, working on experiments and cooking for the crew.
G: Sh*t. I take your point.
S: Knew you would. Bye Batman. *leaves*
G: I--wait...what?! She never gave me any details on Batman. Who the f*ck is he?

Modifié par Shadow_Soul, 16 février 2011 - 08:29 .

[Blze001]

@Bring your child to work day challenge:
Kelly: "I have a great idea for a moral building event! Bring your child to work day!"
Miranda: "Ms. Chambers... you do realize that only 4 members of our crew currently have kids, right?"
Shepard: *Thumbs over her shoulder at Tali and Garrus arguing with Joker* "That and mine are already here..."

*Commercial on the Citadel News Net, Elcor voice*
"Extreme excitement: Wacky waving virtual intelligence advertising programs. Wacky waving virtual intelligence advertising programs. Wacky waving virtual intelligence advertising programs. Sincere greeting: My name is Harrington, owner of Harrington's virtual intelligence advertising shop and warehouse. Faked dismay: Due to supplier difficulties after the attack, my shop is overstocked with wacky waving virtual intelligence advertising programs. Enthusiastically: However, I am gladly passing the savings on to you. Excited: Use my programs to advertise your product, spice up your meetings or to simply enhance your dancing experience. What ever your waving virtual intelligence needs. Sincere request: So come visit Harrington's virtual intelligence advertising shop and warehouse. Informative: Located on level 20 of the Zakera Ward."

Modifié par Blze001, 16 février 2011 - 09:39 .

[Fromyou]

challenge: conrad verner becomes a bad ass

other Challenge: A elcor never got the memo that he has to state his emotions on Omega

[Sajuro]

-going to the Derelict Reaper-
Joker: Hold on, we're getting some solar turbulance.

Jello: -jiggle jiggle jiggle-

Miranda: -jiggle jiggle jiggle-

-Miranda and Jack Confrontration round 2, during dinner-

Miranda: So Jack, do you ever wear anything but a belt?

Jack: F*ck you Cheerleader.

Miranda: No, I am honestly wondering if you have ever tried putting actual clothes on?

Jack: Have you tried minding your own damn business?

Miranda: Hard to mind when you're practically flashing the whole crew.

Jack: Like you're any better?

Miranda: -stands up- what did you say?

Jack: You heard me, Sl**ty cheerleader.

Miranda: I am Shepard's second in command, you little mistake.

-they move closer together-

Jack: Cerberus...lackey.

Miranda: Deranged psychopath....

Shepard: Oh for god's sake, will you two just make out already? -murmurings of agreement among male squad members and Samara-

[Binary Boy]

@Conrad Becomes Badass, Although I may have created the story a bit too
elaborate.


Shepard: For the last time, You aren't spectre material.  get a
life, Drink some Rincol, do anything you want, but stop stalking me.
Conrad: But, But...oh never mind, I'll save the galaxy, one way or
another.

Conrad leaves the Normandy and goes to the nearest bar on the Citadel.

Barman: What will it be today?
Conrad: Em, do you have some Rincol?
Barman: I sure do, it will make you glow for hours.

After the Barman pours the drink, Conrad downs the entire drink without
a second look.

Conrad: lets have another.
Barman: impressive, here you go.

After about an hour of downing drink after drink of Rincol, Conrad realizes
his guts are in pain, and he is glowing like a big green neon fluorescent bulb.

Conrad: Uhhh

Conrad Collapse to the ground, his DNA starts to change due to the
radiation exposure of the rincol, his eye's become bloodshot and he passes out.

A week later, he wakes up in one of the keeper protein vats, his skin is
green, eye's red and hair is on fire.  as he gets out of the vat, he
discovers he's also twice as tall as he used to be, he looks like the hulk.

Conrad re-enters the ward, an Asari see's him and begins to scream.

Random Asari: Ahhhhh!
Conrad: Raaaarh! Why does everyone pick on me? I've had it up to here
with people picking on me, I'll kill you ALL!!!

Shepard enters the scene in a conveniently timed fasion with Miranda.

Shepard: RAGE!!!

Conrad: Shepard!!!

Conrad stands on Shepard with one foot, crushing him to death under his heel and goes on a murderous rampage.  Miranda looks over the squashed pile of shepard and gasps.

Miranda: The Lazarus Project is back online...Again.

[chapa3]

Fromyou wrote...
other Challenge: A elcor never got the memo that he has to state his emotions on Omega

*Approaches female Krogan prostitude by bus terminal*

Elcor - Excuse me Krogan, but how much is the next ride?

[Sajuro]

iOnlySignIn wrote...

Sajuro wrote...
-going to the Derelict Reaper-
Joker: Hold on, we're getting some solar turbulance.

Jello: -jiggle jiggle jiggle-

Miranda: -jiggle jiggle jiggle-

Who's Jello?

lets say shepard's

[Binary Boy]

Challenge: Blasto the first Hanar spectre, Conrad Verner, Volus Biotic God, do the Suicide mission

[swenson]

Not sure if this is any good, but I want moar Garrus and Batman!

Garrus: ...and she wouldn't even tell me who this "bat man" is!
Tali: The Commander has been acting kind of strange lately...
Shepard: Heyyyy, it's Batman again! And Batgirl!
Tali: Wait, Batgirl? Why does he get to be "man" and I have to be "girl"?
Jacob: (walking up) You think you've got it bad? She's calling me Robin. And I don't even get to be a cool Robin, like Dick or Tim, I have to be Jason Todd.
Shepard: (completely drunk) And Kasumi can be Cassandra Cain, and Samara can be Batwoman, and Jack can be Huntress because no one loves her...
Jack: (from Engineering) I HEARD THAT!
Shepard: ...and Thane can be Nightwing because he's hot with his shirt off...
Tali: (starts backing away) I'm telling Kaidan.
Shepard: ...and Zaeed can be Alfred because he's old, and Miranda can be Poison Ivy because she's so full of herself...
(everyone backs away and makes a run for it while she keeps going)
Garrus: Dr. Chakwas, you might want to get in here soon...

Modifié par swenson, 17 février 2011 - 05:42 .

[ADLegend21]

Fromyou wrote...

challenge: conrad verner becomes a bad ass

Challenge ACCEPTED!

*Shepard watching the video files at the shadow broker base*

VI: Conrad Verner Citadel.
FShepard: this I've Gotta see
MShepard: me too. isn't he just creepy?
Fshep: you're lucky, I bet he has fantasies of me.

*video plays*
Conrad: *inaudible speech so they don't ahve to pay his VA*
Random turian: *pushes Conrad*
Conrad: *punches turian in the gut then a few krogan come to the turians aid.
Krogan: *headbutts Conrad*
Conrad* stammers then karate kicks Krogan into wall
Sheps:
Conrad: *draws pistol then kills two more krogan*
first Turian: *gets up and draws shotgun*
Conrad: *punches turian again, takes his shotgun then kills him with it. Drops shotgun on Tuiran the walks away*
Sheps:........I want him on my squad!

[Sajuro]

-Jack goes on anti depressants and becomes happy-

Shepard: Miranda, Kelly told me you wanted to talk with me, is something wrong?

Miranda: -holds up macaroni artwork of her and Jack that says 'best friends 4 ever'- Shepard, we have a problem, Jack made this and gave it to me personally.

Shepard: Is it poisoned?

Miranda: No I checked that already, it's just a normal piece of macaroni art. -goes behind her desk and sits down- do you know what this means Shepard?

Shepard: Yeah, Gardner was lying when he said we're out of macaroni!

Miranda: <_< no, it means that Jack is actually happy, that could have grave consequences for the entire galaxy.

Shepard: I think you're exageratting Miranda. -Jack can be heard singing 'walking on sunshine' from the engineering deck- I'll talk to Chakwas about lowering her dose.

[Binary Boy]

swenson wrote...

Not sure if this is any good, but I want moar Garrus and Batman!

Garrus: ...and she wouldn't even tell me who this "bat man" is!
Tali: The Commander has been acting kind of strange lately...
Shepard: Heyyyy, it's Batman again! And Batgirl!
Tali: Wait, Batgirl? Why does he get to be "man" and I have to be "girl"?
Jacob: (walking up) You think you've got it bad? She's calling me Robin. And I don't even get to be a cool Robin, like Dick or Tim, I have to be Jason Todd.
Shepard: (completely drunk) And Kasumi can be Cassandra Cain, and Samara can be Batwoman, and Jack can be Huntress because no one loves her...
Jack: (from Engineering) I HEARD THAT!
Shepard: ...and Thane can be Nightwing because he's hot with his shirt off...
Tali: (starts backing away) I'm telling Kaidan.
Shepard: ...and Zaeed can be Alfred because he's old, and Miranda can be Poison Ivy because she's so full of herself...
(everyone backs away and makes a run for it while she keeps going)
Garrus: Dr. Chakwas, you might want to get in here soon...

Joker:  You think you guys get it bad, he keeps calling me Joker.
Garrus: You're already called Joker.
Joker: Which proves I've been called that name longer than you guys have.

[Sandbox47]

Shep: Did we turn off the oven!?

Tali: *sighs* That's Gardners job, remember?

Shep: But what if he forgot to turn it off and then fell asleep and-...

Tali: Then EDI would turn it off. Or the security systems installed into the oven will.

Shep: But what if there is a virus in the software? Or a glitch? What if they do not detect it!?

Tali: Well, then by the time we return we'll have a hot oven. What's the big issue?

Shep: Can you imagine the amount of energy we are wasting then!? Can you imagine the waaasteee!

Tali: *Oh keelah* Look, next time we'll bring the oven with us. And we can have Grunt throw it at mercs, how does that sound?

Shep: ... Alright. But if he does with the oven what he does with the shotgun and throws the oven at me, I'll effing fire him.
______________________________________________________________________________

Joker: Hey, commander?

Shep: Joker.

Joker: There is an ecnaillA ship following us.

Shep: There's a... I'm sorry, what?

Joker: ecnaillA ship. They have given us orders to dock at Citadel.

Shep: Who the hell do they think they are!?

Joker: I don't know! EDI, what do we have on the ecnaillA?

Shep: *looks out the window* Joker, you idiot. That's Alliance, not ecnaillA! And when did we install a side mirror
for the Normandy?

Joker: I... Don't know.

Shep: Wait, it says "Omega Racing Community" on it. Joker?

Joker: No time now, we have to dock or the big, bad Alliance will get us.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Reader: Do you know what the acronym for Omega Racing Community is?

Sandbox: ... Is there a joke in there somewhere?

Reader: It's MOG!

Sandbox: What? Nooo... No, it's ORC. And that would have been funny.

Reader: Yes, but no one expects to hear "MOG"! You should try to be more like me. Un-pre-diatable.

Sandbox: Unpredictalbe? Or dyslexic?

Reader: Hey! That's a racist joke! Raaacist! You are-... *cruel death by shotgun*

Tali: I have a shotgun. Did you see that coming, bosh'tet?
______________________________________________________________________________

Garrus: Now stop. I've Googled Batman. *holds up a picture of Batman*.

Shep: Ah... Yes.

Garrus: I am nothing like this crossdresser!

Shep: You are a masked hero like he is! Was!

Garrus: He's not a hero. Look, this is just an escalation of latex fetish!

Shep: Don't be mean to super heroes... *pouting*

Garrus: Alright. But I'm not batman. If you want me to be a hero then let me be... Davy Jones!

Shep: *facepalm* This isn't about hero or not! I just thought that you were a bit like-...

Garrus: Wait. Didn't you say that I looked like a cat?

Shep: .. Yea.

Garrus: And now I'm a bat?

Shep: Well, wombat if anything.

Garrus: You are going through some kind of zoological complex, aren't you? I'll bet you hundred creds that next time it will be a snake.

Shep: No way! ... A giraffe, maybe.

Garrus: What? Shepard!
_______________________________________________________________________________

Modifié par Sandbox47, 18 février 2011 - 11:27 .

[Tasha vas Nar Rayya]

Binary Boy wrote...

swenson wrote...

Not sure if this is any good, but I want moar Garrus and Batman!

Garrus: ...and she wouldn't even tell me who this "bat man" is!
Tali: The Commander has been acting kind of strange lately...
Shepard: Heyyyy, it's Batman again! And Batgirl!
Tali: Wait, Batgirl? Why does he get to be "man" and I have to be "girl"?
Jacob: (walking up) You think you've got it bad? She's calling me Robin. And I don't even get to be a cool Robin, like Dick or Tim, I have to be Jason Todd.
Shepard: (completely drunk) And Kasumi can be Cassandra Cain, and Samara can be Batwoman, and Jack can be Huntress because no one loves her...
Jack: (from Engineering) I HEARD THAT!
Shepard: ...and Thane can be Nightwing because he's hot with his shirt off...
Tali: (starts backing away) I'm telling Kaidan.
Shepard: ...and Zaeed can be Alfred because he's old, and Miranda can be Poison Ivy because she's so full of herself...
(everyone backs away and makes a run for it while she keeps going)
Garrus: Dr. Chakwas, you might want to get in here soon...

Joker:  You think you guys get it bad, he keeps calling me Joker.
Garrus: You're already called Joker.
Joker: Which proves I've been called that name longer than you guys have.

Genius