1554 réponses à ce sujet

[A2N2T]

Tali: Oh! Hiya, Shepard! How are you today?

Shepard: Tali, why are you here?

Tali: Oh, you know, stuff about the engine.

Shepard: In my bathroom?

Tali: Well, uh, I have to check to see how the water pressure of-

Shepard: With a camera in your hand?

Tali: What?

Shepard: There is a camera in your hand.

Tali: This isn't a camera, Shepard. It's a, uh, water pressure checking device. Yah.

Shepard: Tali, I'm worried about you.

Tali: You are!?

Shepard: Well, yah. I mean, ever since I helped you with your trial, you have been acting like Kasumi does when she's around Jacob, but when you're around me.

Tali: It's not wha-

Shepard: Tali, I'm only going to ask this you once: Were you going to put that camera in my shower?

Tali: Yes. Yes I was going to put this camera in your shower.

Shepard: Tali, that idea is not very beneficial for your health.

Tali: Why?... Oh, wait, I know now: Her.

Shepard: Right. If she was to find out about what you tried to do in here, then I cannot be held responsible for what she would do to you.

Tali: But, I have a shotgun!

Shepard: She does too, Tali. She does too. Now, go along and watch your freaky human porn before you get smashed against a wall and shot in the face.

Tali: How did you know about my-

Shepard: Tali, we've all seen your extranet history. As a matter of fact, EDI and I are going to put on a movie night in a few days using some of the "films" you've watched. Of course, we'll give you credit for finding the movies in a highly public, highly embarrassing manner at the beginning of the screening.

Tali: (Total shock and horror( Yes you can tell through her mask. And yes, parenthesis within a parenthesis.).)

Shepard: You're welcome to join us if you want. It'll be held in the mess. (Long pause) Now, can you please leave, I have business to take care of. (Tali leaves. Light giggles can be heard) Kasumi! You need to leave to.

Kasumi: Dang it Shepard!

Shepard: Go bother Jacob.

[Biotic_Warlock]

EDI: Jeff, is that a rifle in your pocket, or are you happy to see Shepard?

Joker: Ahh, um-

Shepard: *laughs* at ease.

Joker: Yes, uh, alright Commander.

EDI: That was a joke.

Joker: Great.

[Iceclaw7]

Biotic_Warlock wrote...

EDI: Jeff, is that a rifle in your pocket, or are you happy to see Shepard?
Joker: Ahh, um-
Shepard: *laughs* at ease.
Joker: Yes, uh, alright Commander.
EDI: That was a joke.
Joker: Great.

hahahahah

I love when EDI says
"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."
..................o_O........
"That was a joke."

[Sandbox47]

Yeah, I actually thought that it was a very funny joke. It's not EDI there's something wrong with, it's just that the crew has no sense of humour.

[Fromyou]

challlenge: Legion doesn't know how to do the robot (yes I know of the easter egg where he does)

[Sandbox47]

Accepted!

Shep: Legion... what are you doing?

Legion: ... Conducting an optimating motoric test.

Shep: Yeah, and in movies that's called tango.

Legion: We are pretty certain that we were conducting test-...

Shep: EDI?

EDI: Legion was seeking knowledge of the aptly name dance act "robot".

Shep: Pfft haha! You don't know how to do robot?

Legion: ... No available data.

Shep: Let me show you. *starts doing the robot*

*Tali enters*

Tali: Hey Legion, I was wonderin-... Shepard?

Shep: Join me. I'm teaching Legion to do the robot.

Tali: You are... what? He can't do the robot?

Shep: Apparently.

Tali. Alrgiht. *starts doing the robot*

*Miranda enters*

Miri: Legion, I need a profile on-... *sees Tali and Shepard doing the robot* What is going on?

Legion: I have them under a spell of insanity.

Miri: O_O

EDI: That was a joke.

Tali: Be quiet, you AI pests.

[Sandbox47]

EDIT: I like ice cream. (Original post was stupid so I'm going with this)

Modifié par Sandbox47, 19 février 2011 - 03:02 .

[lovgreno]

Inspired by the always sexy Flanders.
________________________________________________________________________________
Just before the Collectors destroys the original Normandy.

MaleShep: Garrus, isn't that armour a bit revealing?
Garrus: Well, it gives me maximum reach and flexibility. It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!
MaleShep: *Ewww face*

Later when Shepard is crashing without a spaceship.

Shepard: Okay Shepard, no panic, remember what Tali said about crashing into planets and you should do fine...
Shepards mental image of Tali: Remember, whenever you are crashing into a planet all you have to do is...
Shepards mental image of Garrus: It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing all all! NNNNOTHING AT ALL!
Shepard: Stupid sexy Garrus! This is the worst pain ever!

______________________________________________________________________________________
Just before the Collectors destroys the original Normandy.

FemShep: Tali, isn't that armour a bit revealing?
Tali: Well, it gives me maximum enviromental safety. It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!
FemShep: *Ewww face*

Later when Shepard is crashing without a spaceship.

Shepard: Okay Shepard, no panic, remember what Garrus said about crashing into planets and you should do fine...
Shepards mental image of Garrus: Remember, whenever you are crashing into a planet all you have to do is...
Shepards mental image of Tali: It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing all all! NNNNOTHING AT ALL!
Shepard: Stupid sexy Tali! This is the worst pain ever!

___________________________________________________________________________________
Just before the Suicide Mission.

MaleShep: Jacob, isn't that armour a bit revealing?
Jacob: Well, it gives me maximum sneaking in heavy risk areas. It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!
MaleShep: *Ewww face*

Later when Shepard is about to make the last jump to the Normandy.

Shepard: Okay Shepard, no panic, remember what Kasumi said about dramatic action film style escapes and you should do fine...
Shepards mental image of Kasumi: Remember, whenever you are doing a dramatic escape from a exploding enemy base all you have to do is...
Shepards mental image of Jacob: It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing all all! NNNNOTHING AT ALL!
Shepard: Stupid sexy Jacob! This is the worst pain ever!

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Just before the Suicide Mission.

FemShep: Kasumi, isn't that armour a bit revealing?
Kasumi: Well, it gives me maximum sneaking in heavy risk areas. It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!
FemShep: *Ewww face*

Later when Shepard is about to make the last jump to the Normandy.

Shepard: Okay Shepard, no panic, remember what Jacob said about dramatic action film style escapes and you should do fine...
Shepards mental image of Jacob: Remember, whenever you are doing a dramatic escape from a exploding enemy base all you have to do is...
Shepards mental image of Kasumi: It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing all all! NNNNOTHING AT ALL!
Shepard: Stupid sexy Kasumi! This is the worst pain ever!

Modifié par lovgreno, 19 février 2011 - 03:10 .

[Biotic_Warlock]

A garrus/samara child with legion as godfather

Kid: Not right now shepard, just calibrating my meditative census.

Modifié par Biotic_Warlock, 19 février 2011 - 04:10 .

[Assasin4Hire]

Sorry if this is low quality I wrote this while I was very tired.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Shep enters the armory)

Shep: The crew has asked me to talk with you Jacob

Jaco: About what?

Shep: Well frankley the general consensus is that your a p***y

Jaco: Uh-huh....who's saying this exactly?

Shep: Everyone. Miranda, Mordin, Legion, even Kasumi said she likes you just because your a wimp.

Jaco: Okay....well thanks for telling me commander (Gets back to work)

Shep: Wait! we do have a plan to make you more badass in the eyes of the crew!

Jaco: Okay how?

(Later at the probe bay)

Shep: This is where we launch the probes from.... I just enter the coordinates....press fire and bam a probe is away. (Probe launches to nearby planet)

Jaco: And how is this going to make me more badass?

Shep: Because your going to be launching a probe to Tendoo 4

Jaco: what's the catch?

Shep: the catch is that Tendoo 4 has just started building intellegent life, a single tribe has popped up near the ocean, the coordinates where the pod will strike... is that village.

Jaco: I can't do this, I'm not going to wipe out newly intellegent life!

Shep: Come on! what's the risk? Some members of the same species will probaly start a new tribe. Heck they may even worship the probe as a god or something.

Jaco:.......Fine I'll do it (Presses launch button, probe launches and crashes into the planet) Are we done here

Shep: Not quite, that probe was rigged with enough explosives to blow up all organic life on the planet. (Holds up remote) This is the detonation button.

Jaco: Your asking me to destroy and entire planet just to prove I'm a badass?

Shep: Yep

Jaco; I won't do it!

Shep: Do it!

Jaco: NO!

Shep: BLOW UP THE F*****G PLANET!!

(Jacob elbows Shep in the stomach and runs for the escape pod. JAck runs in)

Jack: Did he do it? Did he blow it up? Why's he running?

Shep: Because we have to catch him

Jack: But he's not a badass!

Shep: It's Because he’s the badass the world deserves deserves, but not what it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him, Because he can take it, because he’s not our badass. He’s a silent Guardian, a watchful protector, A Black Knight!

(Dramatic Pause)

Jack: Still got the detenation controller?

Shep: Right here (Hands it to Jack)

Jack: (Presses the detonation button, the planet is enveloped in flame) P***y

[Null_]

challenge: A serious conversation between Legion and Tali after suicide mission.

[Biotic_Warlock]

Null_ wrote...

challenge: A serious conversation between Legion and Tali after suicide mission.

Legion: Vas Normandy, Tali.

Tali: Yes, Legion?

Legion: What is it like to fear?

Tali: Why do you want to know that? I thought Geth don't feel anything.

Legion: We don't. We wish to understand organic emotion. We observe how emotion effects you. It makes you weaker, yet it also makes you stronger. You are most fascinating.

Tali: Well, it's not something I would boast about... but back on that collector base, i was scared for my life back in those vents. If you and Shepard hadn't helped with the heat in there, I wouldn't be here right now. I never got a chance to say thank you, Legion.

Legion: We understand. We... I... also wanted you to be safe.

Tali: Wha-?

Legion: We believe this unit experienced fear - something we judged to be impossible. We do not understand.

Tali: I guess we are more alike then I imagined.

Legion: Affirmative.

Tali: Just like EDI, she has a sense of humour that makes Joker shudder. *laughs*

Joker: Hey, i heard that!

Tali: [CLEARS THROAT]

EDI: Jeff.

Joker: Yes?

EDI: Your fly's undone.

Joker; What!? Not fair! Stop picking on me!

EDI: I am amused by how you react.

Joker: [FACEPALMS]

EDI: Jeff.

Joker: [GROANS] what is it now?

EDI: Did i mention I liked your body.

Joker: Huh?

EDI: That was a joke.

Joker: Oh man!

Legion: We have yet to understand humour.

Tali: Right.

Modifié par Biotic_Warlock, 19 février 2011 - 09:40 .

[Sandbox47]

Well this is going well... Here's a challenge. More quality banter until page fifty! Keep this up and the first post on page fifty (if real banter) gets cookies. And a stereo to beat people with. And a bag of popcorn, filled with glue.

[ADLegend21]

Kasumi: duna nananananananananananana batman! Batman!

Shepard: what are you talking about Kasumi?

Kasumi: if yo think about it Shep, you're like batman. you follow your owns rules to do detective work and since you're a spectre you're above C-Sec. All you need is a hidden fortress in your basemen and a sidekick and you're set.

Shepard: you sure Garrus isn't space Batman?

Kasumi: Nah, he's Nightwing at best, he can't hold a candle to you.

Shep:...good point, so ifI'm space batman who are you?

Kasumi: Catwoman of course meow.

[Dean_the_Young]

???: Illusive Man.

TIM: Miranda. What do you have for me?

Miranda: I have the files on the dossiers that you requested. Humanity's top three contenders to be the first Human Spectre.

TIM: Ah, yes, the Three Shepards. An interesting coincidence, don't you think? That three of the most notable human soldiers will share the last name?

Miranda: Indeed. |'ve looked over their records, and I was surprised that they were not related. Even genetic compatibility tests provided nothing unusual. But I doubt that was what you intended me to do with my time: running genetic comparisons.

TIM: And that insight is why you're so useful to me. Show me what you have, in order of your belief of who would be best.

Miranda: Very well, then. (Pulls up a hologram: on it appears a scarred, weathered male Shepard.) John Shepard. Born on Mindoir in-

TIM: Skip the biography for now. Focus on the service history and your thoughts.

Miranda: Joined the Alliance after his family and community were killed by Batarians. Showed great promise even before he was identified as a biotic: currently has L-3 implants, though strength is on par with an L-2 peak. A close-quarters combat specialist, he has a long record of getting the mission done, and reliably. Greatest history of note: Torfan. In combat that gave his commanding officer a nervous breakdown, he finished the mission and killed Batarian slavers and pirates, earning him the recognition as the Butcher of Torfan.

TIM: Is that approval I hear, Miranda?

Miranda: The man is everything we could hope for short of having one of our own agents be selected. He has a history of success in difficult missions, he's clearly capable in combat, and he's politically reliable as well: an unapologetic Alliance nationalist, and our sources say that he's been known to be more than a little critical of the Council's attitudes towards humanity. He's a man who will remember what color his blood is, and act for it. He also comes with the benefit of a reputation as well: that will draw more notice to him, and more notice to his likely successes are what would be ideal in our first Spectre.

TIM: On the other hand, he has a negative reputation amongst some of the Alien circles already, and he may not be the best face to show to the galaxy as our first Spectre. Our third or fourth? Certainly. But to select him now would be to irrevocably smother any chance of negotiating with the Batarians: they won't take Alliance envoys seriously if Humanity selects someone they view as a war criminal famous for killing their proxies.

Miranda: And are the Batarians are inclined to negotiate?

TIM: Perhaps, but likely not. Still, it's something to consider, among other things. Go on to the next dossier.

Miranda: Very well. Veronica Shepard: born in the slums, she enlisted in the Alliance to get off Earth. No biotic potential to speak of. While she excelled during her N7 training, her career has been mostly quiet. Few conflicts of note against anything other than the occassional band of pirates. Her main claim to fame, and reason for being included to this level of consideration, was her role in the Skyllian Blitz. She single-handidly held the line, and in doing so may have saved the colony as well. Widely praised in the Alliance and out as the Hero of the Skyllian Blitz, she too has a strong reputation that would be useful. She's already a hero, and not one reviled by the Batarians or more soft-hearted Council races.

TIM: And yet she was number two on your list, below the Butcher: why?

Miranda: (Frowns) She looks perfect on the surface, but I have my doubts: training simulations only show so much, and all her role in the Skyllian Blitz proved was that she was lucky once. Plenty of people become war heros for one reason or another, but many of them do so on account of luck. This Shepard could be good, or she could have been a woman who was in the right place at the right time, and nothing else. She doesn't have a continuous record, not like the Butcher. (Frowns deeper.)

TIM: And what else, Miranda?

Miranda: Well... I'm unsure as to how well she'd show under scrutiny. Right now, she's a war hero: the public doesn't really know anything but what the Alliance feeds them. But she's littered with possible publicity traps: she did time in the gangs at her slums, she may have in the past or may still do red sand, and she's rumored to be an outright xenophile. Her politics are also questionable: she's nowhere near as reliable as I would like.


TIM: Plausible problems, but those could also be potential strengths. The first two can be cast as part of her narrative: of the oppressed, misdirected human rising up to heroism and excellence. Tie that into a parallel with Humanity's appearance and ascent on the galactic stage, and she herself would be an allegory as to why Humanity should gain a Council seat. Any xenophilia would also be a mitigating factor towards Alien concerns: it's been polled that Aliens view humans in inter-species relationships as less threatening, and Humanity's first Spectre would only help reassure the other species as to our lack of malign intentions. As for the last...

(Takes a deep breath.)

We aren't the Communists or Fascists of history: we can't afford to blind ourselves to the potential others can give us on account of their politics. So long as she accomplishes her missions to the Council's satisfaction, that's the more important part. What she isn't inclined to do, we, Cerberus exist to carry out instead.

Miranda: As you say.

TIM: *Takes a sip of whiskey*

Miranda: ...

TIM: You can begin the third dossier, Miranda.

Miranda: Very well. I'll warn you ahead of time, though: I don't see this one making it through the process. She's probably not worth the time.

TIM: I'll be the one to decide that.

Miranda: Fideli Shepard. Born in the military. Service history: almost nothing of significant note. Her greatest accomplishment was simply in not dying on Akuze: formidable, to be sure, but she was nearly discharged on psychiatric grounds following that, and it took some strong recommendations from her mentor, Captain Anderson, to put her back on active duty. Since then she's lived a not particularly noteworthy career: Traverse piracy and slavers, mostly, but nothing of the scale of Torfan. Besides surviving Akuze, her greatest attribute of note is her biotics: she is unquestionably an impressive adept, with biotic power easily surpassing even my own. It's probably most of what got her on the short list.

TIM: But you don't approve of her at all. Why?

Miranda: If the Council were to select her, I'd have suspect it was because they wanted our first Spectre to fail. Her psychological reports tell us that she suffered a distinct change of personality after that incident, and that she still has deep emotional scars from Akuze, scars that could re-emerge at any time of extreme stress. Her career unto now hasn't been anything worth noting, but the stress of being a Spectre? Where losses are pretty much unavoidable? Her biotics are powerful, but I wouldn't put that much on them.

TIM: And her politics?

Miranda: (Grimaces a bit.) Better than Veronica's, at least. She's an idealist, but she's a pro-Human idealist, as opposed to an distinctly pro-Council parrot. Her pre-Akuze profile painted a much more... objective picture. But since then, there's been a distinctly idealist track. She's compensating for her failure.

TIM: Personal comparison, I take it?

Miranda: I- (narrows eyes at TIM) You support her. Somewhat, at least. What are you thinking?

TIM: Many things. But about her? I think she's a survivor.

Miranda: (Scoffs) Yes, she survived, but-

TIM: (Holding up a hand to interrupt.)  I think you give her too little credit: David Anderson isn't one to stand by a subordinate without justification. She's a survivor, and she's the kind of survivor who would keep surviving no matter what was thrown at her. If the Council sends her into a war zone, said they intended to strike it from orbit, and there was only one escape craft on the far side of the battle, she'd push through it in order to survive. She survived in the middle of a Thresher Maw nest when four dozen fully equipped Alliance Marines died.

(TIM smothers a cigarrete.)

TIM: I read her post-Akuze report on what she had to do. She's made the necessary choices to survive. She may take strength from idealism now: all the better. If Humanity's first face to the galactic stage as a Spectre is an idealist, all the better. People like idealists, trust idealists, find them less threatening. That's good for Humanity. Soft power can be equally worth it's weight in power as hard power, and can be much harder to gather. Humanity shouldn't turn its head away from either. But she's made the necessary choices in the past. She can make the hard choices again in the future.

Miranda: All that may be true, but what would you do if she ever found out about Akuze? I could see us making contact, possibly working with either of the others: an idealistic alliance of the momentary common cause with the War Hero, or honest pro-human work with the Butcher. But her? What would you do if she confronted you, wanted to hold you accountable?

TIM: (Lights another cigarrete.) The first step I would take, Miranda, is insure that when we meet, that it isn't in person. Then I would have a nice, calm discussion with her, and if needed would point out that when Akuze occured, I was not in command of Cerberus.

TIM: (Another drag.) And after any such discussion, what occurs next would have to depend on her. My intent is meaningless. At best... at best, we cooperate. At worst, we don't, and we recognize that the first human spectre's importance may outweigh whatever losses we may incur. Any contact team we send to meet with Shepard will need to be... idealistic in their own right. Willing to be arrested, or executed, for the chance to establish contact. This assumes, of course, that this Shepard is worth cooperating with.

Miranda: That's it? Hope that she's sensible, and accept the costs if she's not?

TIM: Ultimately, a successful first Spectre is far more to humanity's benefit than any given cell of ours. We could lose one, or a half dozen, non-performing Cells, and Humanity wouldn't come off worse than if we lost our first Spectre to needless in-fighting. Cerberus is meant to do whatever it takes to advance human interests... even when what that requires costs us personally. If sacrificing a cell to the Spectre in order to placate Council concerns was necessary, we would do that as well. Whatever it takes.

Naturally, however, I would prefer not to have any such fighting, or any needless sacrifices. So I have no intentions of approaching Humanity's first spectre at this time, if ever. Not unless there was significant reason.

Miranda: So, do you want to support any of the candidates in particular? Our agent in the Alliance could give added weight to-

TIM: No. They each have their strengths that would prove beneficial to Humanity, and no such overwhelming flaws. They can all be useful, whether they agree with us or not, but pushing for any one in particular might spark a significant Council backlash, or distrust, if it were ever found out. We wouldn't want the Council to distrust it's own hand-picked right hand, after all.

No, send word to our agent that all three candidates are acceptable, and that he is to give no preference to any of them. As for us... we will wait and see, and use them to Humanity's advancement.

(TIM raises his glass of whiskey.)

To Humanity... and to Commander Shepard, whichever one it may be.

[sporeian]

*In a session with Kelly*



Shepard: I think I was in love once.

Kelly: Really, what was her name?

Shepard: I don't remember.

Kelly: That's not a good start, but keep going.

Shepard: She was Brazillian...or Chinese, or something wierd. I met her in the bathroom of a

K-mart, and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Kelly:...I'm pretty sure that's not love.

Sheprad: Damn It!



Cookie for the reference-(this is a giveaway)

[JRCHOharry]

[Shepard, Jack and Grunt walk into the citadel restroom]

Jack: Sh*t, I hate this place. I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend in a bathroom similar to this, he dragged, kicked and beat me for hours. Still didn't stop me from crushing his head with my biotics! I... need to get out of here. *Jack walks out*

Grunt: That's not right, Shepard!

Shepard: I know it isn't Grunt. If there was anything I could do to help, I would. But I think she wants to be left alone.

Grunt: What? No. She shouldn't have been in here. This is the mens restroom.

Shepard: You can be a real pr*ck sometimes, Grunt.

Grunt: What?

[Assasin4Hire]

Challenge!



Any number of squaddies playing a videogame toghether

[Shadow_Soul]

(Tali, Shep and Garrus playing HALO)



Tali: Ooh, what's this do?

Garrus: You killed me.

Tali: A headshot too.

Shepard: Damn, Tali, your good.

Tali: Hey, Garrus, you forgot something.

Garrus: What?

Tali: Sticky grenade!

Garrus: Damn it, Tali.



(cookie for the reference...)

[Dean_the_Young]

Is it a spider?

[ADLegend21]

Shadow_Soul wrote...

(Tali, Shep and Garrus playing HALO)

Tali: Ooh, what's this do?
Garrus: You killed me.
Tali: A headshot too.
Shepard: Damn, Tali, your good.
Tali: Hey, Garrus, you forgot something.
Garrus: What?
Tali: Sticky grenade!
Garrus: Damn it, Tali.

(cookie for the reference...)

It's blue....and fuzzy?

[mrmarcus101]

Zorya, as Vido's shuttle flies off...



Zaeed: Gah! Give me that thing Shepard!



Shepard: What, the Cain?



Zaeed yanks the Cain off Shepard's back and destroys the shuttle.



Shepard: Feel better now?



Zaeed: Yeah. Now I want some goddamn pancakes.

[Blze001]

ADLegend21 wrote...
Kasumi: Catwoman of course meow.

I totally saw this when I read that:


The two mystery crew members that are ALWAYS in the mess hall:
#1: I was travelling through the Zakera Wards and I got shot!
#2: Eh?
#1: I got shot.
#2: Finally!
#1: Well, they didn't hit me, they hit the cab I was riding in.
#2: With what?
#1: (Casually) An M-76.

[A2N2T]

During Tali's recruitment mission. Shepard, Garrus, and Grunt. The team steps into the sunlight for the first time.



Garrus: What the hell is happening Shepard?

Shepard: It's the sun. It's disrupting our shields.

Grunt: And that's why I have on amour, ****es!