1554 réponses à ce sujet

[Harmless Crunch]

*Just before the final attack on the reapers in ME3, Wrex walks into Shep's cabin*
Shep: Wrex
*Love scene music starts to play*
Wrex: Shepard
*Wrex pounces on Shep crushing the bed and killing Shep*


*Credits roll*

[Fromyou]

Been a while and i don't care if you don't like this but CHALLENGE; Blasto joins commanders shepards crew. ANother Challenge: Shepard hates Dragon Age

[Biotic_Warlock]

Shepard: *banging head against the wall*

Kasumi: You look mad... wanna play some Dragon age, shep?

Shepard: *shoots Kasumi*

[somecthemes]

Shep: What the hell is that thing in the corner?

Joker: That's the new crew member, Blasto. He's a stupid jelly.

S: Yes, that was apparent immediately after the question was asked. A better response may have included a reason why he is jammed in a corner with his tentacles braided and bound.

J: Yeah, well see Grunt came up to chat about torturing Turians when Garrus happened by to chat about the stick extraction he had gone through. Things were getting close to the escape pod senario when Blasto slimed up and tried to mediate.

S: And his method being letting Grunt and Garrus use him like a stress relief squish ball?

J: Spectres arn't judged on their methods, just results.

[Binary Boy]

I decided to merge the 2 challenges together, here's my attempt.


Shepard: Joker?  Can you please set a course for the omega 5 relay.
Joker: No, not yet, I still haven't got all the achievements for dragon age yet.  I installed it over EDI's AI Core.
Shepard: Joker, our crew need saving, they're being purieed as we speak.
Joker: I told you before, I NEED all my dragon age achievments, the mage achievements are the tricky ones.

Shepard storms off the normandy.  Later returning with a new crewmate.

Shepard: Joker I'm back, you've been replaced by an every so slightly more squishy crew member, Blasto.
Blasto: This one is ready to replace that one.
Joker: But sir, the leather seats?
Shepard: are now Blasto's
Blasto: Joker, This one would like to say one thing before this one makes you leave.
Joker: Um...
Blasto: Enkindle THIS.

Blasto extends his tentacles in all directions shooting wildly at Joker

Shepard: thankyou Blasto. please set course to the omega 5 relay.

Shepard leaves the cockpit, after an hour in his quarters he realizes the ship hasn't moved an inch.  So shepard marches back to the cockpit.

Shepard: Blasto?  why haven't we moved?
Blasto: This one has found a game called dragon age, it is very addictive, there are so many achievements that this one must get before setting any course.
Shepard: Ah!!  Next Normandy doesn't get Dragon Age installed.

[ADLegend21]

*Shepard walks in the mess hall and sees Tali and Legion standing next to each otehr, a few inches apart*

Shep: hey didn't I just break you two apart yesterday.
Tali:..........
Legion:............
Shep:.....well?
Tali:............
Legion:............
Shep:.......?
Tali: bosht'et I blinked.
Shep: huh?
Legion: we have just engaged creator-Tali'zorah in the organic game of 'staring contest"
Shep:....carry on.

[ADLegend21]

Jacob: *hard at work then reaches for something and doesn't feel it* where is?....Kasumi, uncloack and put the shotgun back.
*Nothing happens*
Jacob: I know you're in here to mess with me, hahaha, jokes over.
*Still nothing*
Jacob: alright then. *goes back to work then gets poked* Damn it Kasumi!
Shepard: *uncloaks* Hey there Jacob.
Jacob: Shepard? so you took the shotgun that I was working on.
Shepard: yeah Kasumi said I should mess with you to get some emotion out of you and it worked.
Jacob: I see...well I sorry I thought you were Kasumi.
Shepard: you could always make it up to me in my quarters Jacob. *wink*
Jacob: I...uh...
Shepard: I'll see you in five.

[ftkerns]

Random one I thought I'd toss out here for the hell of it...

[Normandy approaching the Heretic station]

Joker: You know it's just our heat emissions that are hidden, right? They can look out a window and see us coming.

Legion:  Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them. Approach the hull at these coordinates.

Joker:  Ughnnnnnff.  What does a stroke feel like, by the way?

Legion: *plays Windows shutdown sound*

Joker:   Uh...

EDI: Legion wins the extranets.

Modifié par ftkerns, 28 février 2011 - 01:50 .

[ADLegend21]

ftkerns wrote...

Random one I thought I'd toss out here for the hell of it...

[Normandy approaching the Heretic station]

Joker: You know it's just our heat emissions that are hidden, right? They can look out a window and see us coming.

Legion:  Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them. Approach the hull at these coordinates.

Joker:  Ughnnnnnff.  What does a stroke feel like, by the way?

Legion: *plays Windows shutdown sound*

Joker:   Uh...

EDI: Legion wins the extranets.

hahahaha

[Dean_the_Young]

WARNING: The Following Piece Has Adult Themes.

If you are so young that this offends you, why are you playing these games, which are far more blatant?

/WARNING





(Renegade MShep, Garrus, and Jacob are at the bar on Illium, drinking it up. Matriarch A-what's her name (we'll call her A) is listening in.)

Shepard: Guys, I want you guys to know that you are great. Sensible. Solid. Swell guys. But something doesn't make sense to me.
Garrus: Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but you seem to be a bit drunk, Commander.
Jacob: (snorts) A bit? Just how drunk does a guy have to be to use the word 'swell'?
Shepard: I am Commander Shepard, and I'll say whatever the hell I want in this store on the Citadel!
Matriarch A: It's Illium.
Shepard: Illium, Citadel, whatever. Lots of Asari either way. Which brings me back to my point!
Jacob: There was a point?
Shepard: 'Course there was! And that point is: you guys are great and all, but what would an Asari ever see in you? Guys?
Garrus: Well, I realize we can't all have the ladies chasing us, Shepard, but your words wound me. Really.
Shepard: Laugh it up, Garrus. I don't mean you guys, individualy, but I just mean... (waves hand vaguely) you know, guys.
Jacob: Not sure I see where you're coming from, Shepard. I thought you liked T'Soni. It's like a sci-fi vid from pre-contact: Captain flies around the galaxy, saves the universe, gets the alien space babe...
Shepard: Oh,Liara's nice and all, but I'd never sleep with her. It creeps me out just to think of it: Asari creep me out.
Matriarch A: Not quite the thing you want to go about admitting on an Asari colony would, but I'll admit I'm curious, human. What about us scares you?
Shepard: You like being speared by foreign things. Repeatedly. And it makes no sense.
Garrus: Shepard...?
Shepard: It's like this. Asari are supposed to be space babes, right? Taylor?
Jacob: I guess so, sure. Look the part, at least.
Shepard: Exactly. They look it. But they aren't it.
Matriarch A: (Raising an eyebrow.) I assure you, regardless of what the scientists claim, I'm pretty much female as far as your kind is concerned.
Shepard: Except you aren't! You aren't- aren't- compatible! That's the word. You aliens aren't evolutionarily compatible.
Garrus: I remember Liara trying to make some moves on you before, Shepard. Kind of disproves the point, no?
Shepard: No, you ain't getting it, see? Humans evolved with eachother, for each other. When we ****, it's good because it evolved to be good. Biology, right? A woman's 'lips' are perfect because they evolved to be perfect, or else sex wouldn't be fun and where would be the point in reproducing then, huh? Or even if you're just a horny get with another guy: even then, evolutionary sex relief. We have a reason to have it.
Matriarch A: Personal experience, I take it?
Shepard: I was young, drunk, and it was the birthday present for a totally hotter girl.
Jacob: I don't think I need to hear about this part, Commander. Why don't you push on?
Shepard: Push. Right. See, who'd want to push their Johnson into an Asari? Hell, why would an Asari want someone's Johnson in them?
Garrus: Because there's a hole...?
Shepard: You know what else is a hole? Legion's chest. You don't see anyone going around meat jousting that, do you? (pause) Actually, if you do, don't tell me.
Jacob: Gladly. Now get that image out of my head.
Shepard: Gladly gladly. Anyway: human women evolved to expect it. It's part of breeding: Johnson goes in, nine monthes later Johnson Junior comes out. Biology. But Asari aren't like that. They're a-  a- whatever that A word is. They're like flowers: they polinate themselves.
Garrus: And this is a problem because...?
Shepard: Because the parts don't add up! The pipes are incorrect! The plumbing doesn't match! Socket A does not match socket C! I sleep with Ashley, god bless her soul, and it's good because the parts are evolved to be good and maybe a little kid Shepard will spawn. I let Liara have her way with me, and I'm just masturbating into the ****** track on a species that does not have a vagina. Do you get that?
Garrus: What? Translator broke on that one.
Shepard: Does not have a vagina.
Garrus: ...is this a human thing? Because I'm not following.
Matriarch A: Sex organ. That no Asari will have, because Asari did not evolve to involve sexual penetration in the process to have sex: our kicks come more from the embrace eternity bit, with a bit of petting the mammories-
Jacob: Breasts, she means.
Matriarch A: -and face-sucking. To an Asari's body, the whole at the bottom are just where ****** and ****  and little blue babies come out of. Nothing was ever meant to go in.
Shepard: Exactly. I mean, a hole's a hole to a guy, but what does an Asari get out of it? Better question: who was the bright girl who was like 'let's totally shove that thing up my pisser, because it's not like my **** stinks or anything.' No offense.
Matriarch A: None taken. Asari here on Illium would sell their waste if they thought aliens would wear it. Which, I should note, some people probably would.
Garrus: Now wait a second, though: Asari have been having inter-species relationships for thousands of years. There's even a whole cultural stigma about having a relationship with
Matriarch A: Yeah, but ever notice how many of those relationships were with females, or species that don't do the whole penetration-deal? Yeah, we got our cultural baggage to consider, but we still have our inherent preferences. A lot of Asari go blue-buttoned because they don't want to do the deed with an Asari, but don't find most aliens attractive either.
Jacob: I bet when Humans showed up in the galaxy, a lot of those sort got happy, didn't they?
Matriarch A: You're telling me. Humans... that was the quickest alien fetish I'd ever seen, and I've seen a lot of aliens be discovered. Put on a wig, slap on some skin paint... guilt free Asari sex fantasies. I remember two months after Relay 314, some human economic mission came here, and some tart or another took one of the humans, nice looking thing by Asari standards, but she took it aside and showed off across half of Illium like nothing else, just flaunting it.
Shepard: Sounds typical Asari style to me.
Matriarch A: We Asari do know how to gloat, don't we? Of course, she didn't realize the human was male until the pants came off, and what a surprise that was, let me tell you. Did you know that some people call you humans the unholy mix of Asari and Hanar?
Jacob: Wow. Just... wow. Never thought about it like that before.
Shepard: I have. Hence why I've sworn off Asari, and am quite happy with the Human race as is.
Garrus: Wait a second- just wait a second. Back up a bit! You! (Pointing at Matriarch A.) Asari have been having inter-species relationships for thousands of years. Not just with females, but males as well. I've had friends in the military who had relationships with Asari, and I'm not just talking about a visit to the Consort. They never had any complaints about the bedroom reception when they had fun, and Turian males are similar to Human males in at least one respect!
Matriarch A: (Shaking head.) Kids these days. So naive. (Sighs.) Look, kid, it's like your friend said. Asari? We just don't have the parts. We get our kicks off the link itself, plus some heavy petting. But a good Asari... she knows the differences. We all but teach it in school. She knows what pleases her isn't the same as what pleases her partner, and any good lover is going to go out of her way to make it a more pleasant experience for the partner. Even if that means stroking their ego a bit.
Garrus: Then, what they said-
Matriarch: Ha! Kid, let me put it to you straight: if she said she enjoyed it, she was faking it. If she was screaming your name before the melding, she was faking it. If she claims that the physical part with you is the best part, she's faking it.
Shepard: Unless she's a deviant and really does enjoy getting penetrated in weird places. Like the pisser. Or the ear. Same difference, really.
Matriarch A: True. Or that.
Garrus: Shepard, I want to thank and hate you for ruining Asari forever for me.
Jacob: Same here. Can't say I had my eye on anyone in particular, but I think I'll play it conservative from here on out, at least until I forget this night.
Shepard: Any time, guys.

Modifié par Dean_the_Young, 28 février 2011 - 04:06 .

[Sajuro]

Damn Dean, I bow before your writing.

[Dean_the_Young]

That sounds too positive.

What you probably mean is, 'who the **** would actually go out and try and logically disprove the sexual allure of alien space lesbians to the common man?'

[khevan]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

That sounds too positive.

What you probably mean is, 'who the **** would actually go out and try and logically disprove the sexual allure of alien space lesbians to the common man?'

You would?  And quite convincingly, too, in my opinion...

[Sajuro]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

That sounds too positive.

you caught me, I was trying to break your mind.

[Sandbox47]

Oh hey... Now girls officially monopolize Asari. Sweet. Thanks Dean.

Kelly: Tali?
Tali: Yes? What? 
Kelly: You seem preoccupied. Do you want to talk?
Tali: No, I ... It's nothing.
Kelly: I'm sure that it's already leaked that I am a psychoanalysist. But more than that, I'm your friend.
Tali: ... I just don't really know what to do.
Kelly: About what?
Tali: Shepard. She is a good friend. To everyone. She helped Miranda with her sister, Thane with his son, Samara with her daughter, though there is something odd about Samara nowadays... And she helped me with...
Kelly: Yes. How do you feel about your father?
Tali: Don't do psycho cr*p on me.
Kelly: Right, sorry.
Tali: So my point is... what is it we really do to help her? I mean, how do we repay our debts to her?
Kelly: She needs you, us, to help her defeat the Reapers.
Tali: I know. And Jacob was some kind of Alliance hot-shot, Miranda is a genetic construct, Thane a killer, Garrus a vigilante, Samara, who's been acting weird, is a Justicar for crying out loud! Even Grunt was designed to fight.
Kelly: Do you feel 'not enough'?
Tali: More than that, I feel as if I don't belong here. There is nothing I can contribute that no one else can't.
Kelly: I see your problem.
Tali: Oh do you? How good. How great. How swell of you to see it. How nice of everyone to whisper behind my back that it's just 'too dangerous' for me to go out! How very informative it is to hear that I might get sick every time I leave the ship. How very polite it is to point out that I must miss the Fleet where I could, sometimes, eat solid food.
Kelly: Calm down Tali. I didn't mean to put it like that. I just meant that you are looking at it the wrong way.
Tali: There is another way now, is there? *hands on hips*
Kelly: You were the one who proved that Saren was a traitor and got the Council to promote Shepard to a Spectre. You provide valuable upgrades to Normandy, have extensive knowledge about engineering and AI, you are a valuble political link to your people, promoting trust from the galaxy in quarians. Is that not enough? No one else has the same merits as you Tali Zorah vas Normandy.
Tali: You know what? You are right.
Kelly: I knew you'd see it.
Tali: Hey Shepard! *walks off to the mess* I want a raise!
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Garrus: So what's going on?
Thane: I was contemplating things past.
Garrus: It must be pretty easy, with your memory.
Thane: I was thinking about our last mission.
Garrus: Where we killed a bunch of blue suns?
Thane: I meant the other one.
Garrus: Where we killed a bunch of eclipse?
Thane: No, when we visited the Citadel.
Garrus: Ah... Oh right! Ohhh, right...
Thane: I am still trying to understand what it all meant...
Garrus: Don't. Just don't.
Thane: It is a success amongst the humans. Why can we not enjoy it?
Garrus: Oh come on! Infiltrating a Hamlet play and pretending to be an Elcor! I'm surprised that she managed to stay inconspicuous for as long as she did! 'Mournful: To be or not to be?'
Thane: It would have been poetic, had they not played elcor music to it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Jack: Oi, choco man.
Jacob: *keeps working*
Jack: Jacob!
Jacob: Oh, it's you.
Jack: Who else, f**kwit? I have a question.
Jacob: Shoot.
Jack: You don't mean that.
Jacob: Oh, right. I mean: Ask away.
Jack: No no, I'll take you up on the shooting offer. *bring out the Cain*
Jacob: *runs away* Shepard! She's lost! She wants to kill me! *a metal clang* Hey, what the!?
Kasumi: Now I'll go and collect my prey!
Jack: Owe me one.
Kasumi: I've already asked Shepard to go down to your deck.
Jack: ... fair enough.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

[Prince of Kemet]

Scene: MShep and Ashley are alone sitting in the (cafeteria, messhall, lunchroom..whatever the hell it's called) of the SR2 chatting and stuffing their pieholes.

Ash: This ship reminds me so much of the old Normandy although, I can see the distinct differences.
Shep: Yeah, it was Cerberus that secretly had a hand in creating the first Normandy to begin with.
Ash: Hmph, I guess even those bastards are capable of doing something right every once in a while...(looks Shep in the eye smiling while touching his hand)..they did bring you back.
Shep (smiles back,nodding in agreement): I do agree with what they're doing to a certain extent but, I don't agree with how they go about doing it.

....In walks Garrus......Shep grabs Ash's hand and winks..

Shep: You know, I really missed you alot my fiery hellcat.
Ash (quickly catching on and intentionally overacting): I missed you too.. (sighs)..I couldn't stop thinking about you....you were on my mind constantly.
Shep (reacting to Ashley's overacting): Oh Ash, can you ever forgive me my darling?.(sighs)
Ash (still overacting): Yes....yes my love...I forgive you.
Garrus (shaking his head): Oh for the love of God (or who or whatever turians believe in)....just get it on and get it over with already.
Ash (looking at Shep romantically): Maybe he's right.
Shep (looking at Ash): Maybe we should.

The two stand up and hold hands smiling at each other.

Ash: Perhaps??
Shep: Maybe??

There's a brief pause......then Shep and Ash began furiously embracing and kissing.

Ash (talking loudly): Ohhhhh, give it to me big boy, you know how I like it!!!!!!
Shep (talking loudly as well): Get ready my fiery hellcat 'cause here it comes !!!

Garrus (with absolute shock on his face): Shepard!.....Williams!.....This isn't the place for...

Shep and Ash stop embracing and kissing, face Garrus and begin laughing hysterically.

Garrus (still somewhat shocked): Seriously?

Shep and Ash continue laughing but are now looking at each other. Finally, they stop laughing and a brief pause ensues...they are now looking at each other smiling intensly.

Garrus (now laughing): You two had me going for a.......

Before Garrus can finish his statement, Shep and Ash begin frantically running toward the elevator undressing trying to get to Shepard's quarters as soon as humanly possible.

Garrus (now visibly confused): What the hell just happened here?

Modifié par Prince of Kemet, 28 février 2011 - 08:44 .

[Prince of Kemet]

Does anyone have any ideas for an Anderson/Udina conversation?

Modifié par Prince of Kemet, 28 février 2011 - 08:56 .

[Valikdu]

Well, the best possible Anderson/Udina conversation has already happened in ME1. The one where Udina talks to Anderson's FIST.

[Interactive Civilian]

Prince of Kemet wrote...

Does anyone have any ideas for an Anderson/Udina conversation?

Udina: Anderson, I...
Anderson: *punch*


Udina: Anderson, about the Vol...
Anderson: *punch*

Anderson: Hey, Udina. Knock knock.
Udina: Who's there, Anders...
Anderson: *punch*

[Dean_the_Young]

Sandbox47 wrote...

Oh hey... Now girls officially monopolize Asari. Sweet. Thanks Dean.

Don't thank me quite yet. Just consider: from the Asari perspective even
human females, while perfectly kinky in appearance, have iincredibly nasty
expectations from an Asari partner. Human women would consider as a
matter of course the sort of equivalent of 'Two Asari, one cup.'


Just imagine that night on the Normandy before Illos:

"You want me to put my tongue where?! Shepard, you're going to have to kiss it again afterwards, you realize!

[pohaturon]

Blze001 wrote...

Shepard: Alright Jacob, make sure your radio is working and stay in contact.
Jacob: Got it. *Puts ear-bud in* Testing testing. Can you hear me Commander?
Shepard: I'm standing right here, Jacob.
Jacob: Good. You're coming through loud and clear.
Shepard: 'Cause I'm standing right here!

 lol that's from FireFly,i'd recognize that anywhere


---------------
*shep and kasumi walk into the cargo hold on the way to the hammerhead

Kasumi:Your not taking him!
Shep:No,no,no.I am not having this conversation righ now!
Kasumi:I know how you drove the mako,and this thing is more fragile!I can't believe you want to put Jacob into the middle of all that!
Shep:Didn't say want, said will.
Kasumi:but....
Shep:Trust me,i'll take care of him,if anything happenes, i'll get really choked up.
Kasumi:.......
Shep:Seriously, there might be tears!
*tajes off*

[Prince of Kemet]

Interactive Civilian wrote...

Prince of Kemet wrote...

Does anyone have any ideas for an Anderson/Udina conversation?

Udina: Anderson, I...
Anderson: *punch*


Udina: Anderson, about the Vol...
Anderson: *punch*

Anderson: Hey, Udina. Knock knock.
Udina: Who's there, Anders...
Anderson: *punch*

BRILLIANT!!!

[Sandbox47]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

Sandbox47 wrote...

Oh hey... Now girls officially monopolize Asari. Sweet. Thanks Dean.

Don't thank me quite yet. Just consider: from the Asari perspective even
human females, while perfectly kinky in appearance, have iincredibly nasty
expectations from an Asari partner. Human women would consider as a
matter of course the sort of equivalent of 'Two Asari, one cup.'


Just imagine that night on the Normandy before Illos:

"You want me to put my tongue where?! Shepard, you're going to have to kiss it again afterwards, you realize!

Sex is sex, right? Even asari should like it, seeng how most sentient beings do. Aside from salarians, but from what I remember they lay eggs or some such, so it doesn't really matter. And if they can find something to like about it then more likely then not both parties will find it very satisfactory. Unless, you know, they break an arm or leg or spine. The latter one will mean infinite oblivion, so it doesn't really matter.

[Sajuro]

-Shepard is with Urz on the citadel when Urz wanders off and comes back with an asari child following him-

Shepard: Where did that come from Urz?

Urz: -happy bark-

Shepard: No you can't keep it Urz, you don't know where it's been.

Urz: -pleading whine-

Shepard: No Urz, you don't even know how take care of it. Put it back where you found it,

Urz: -hangs head and walks off with Asari child, returning alone.-

_____
-Blasto becomes a romance option-

Thane: -walking into shepard's quarters- Siha, I wa- 
-later down in the mess-
Garrus: Thane, you've been sitting there for the past two hours, what's wrong?
Thane: His tentacle runs down her exposed flesh, 'more blast, more' she begs him, he obliges.
Garrus:..... I have to go. -goes off to armory- Jacob have you-
-Later in the mess-
Garrus: So many tentacles...

[Dean_the_Young]

Sex is sex because of thesex organs that make it fun. Species without analogous sex organs will not be able to have analogous sex. Asari look female, but by they're confirmed nature of reproduction, they have no evolutionary basis to, well, have any interest or special response from their nether regions. It's all in their heads, not their (non-existent) vaginas.

Penetration is fun for humans because our evolution favored such things being enjoyable. That was how we reproduce, and that's what was rewarded to both species. We put it in to make babies: evolution supported the principal that making babies should feel good, so we'll do it more often. Evolutionary advantage. Even in non-reproductive play, homosexuality or otherwise, our intercourse is often based around pleasing those sex organs.

Asari, however, have no male counterparts, and no equivalent basis for favoring sex up from the under. Their front hole, if they have a front hole at all, is a birth canal/urinary track... and that's it. They don't have an evolutionary basis for getting off on something being shoved up there any more than, say, we orgasm when putting q-tips into our ears. It's just a hole.


Sex is sex only in so much that it applies to a species. Different types of species may not even have it, or have it in different ways. Take a hypothetical species in which the female lays eggs and then the male fertilizes them: such a species would have no concept of intercourse (because that's not how they do it), let alone such things as 'rape'.