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[ADLegend21]

Made Nightwing wrote...

*Unknown Reaper appears. Shepard and his team are in no position to fight back*

Reaper: Human, I am Prose, the literary Reaper. Before destroying you, I demand you relate to me humanity's greatest poem.

Shepard: Ahhhh, I don't know any...............Ashley?

Ashley: I got this *clears throat* Speak to me, O Muse, of the Man of Many Talents, who roved both far and wide. Many were the trials he suffered, on his lonely road home to Ithaca. Tell us how, after he sacked Troy's sacred Citadel......

*Shepard sneaks off with the rest of the team*

SEVEN HOURS LATER

Prose the Reaper: *sniff* That was beautiful. The Odyssey is indeed a magnificent tale. Thank you Chief Williams for this magnificent experience.

Ashley: That's cool.

Prose: Well, guess it's time to kill you all.

Ashley: Oh, I should have mentioned, while I was reciting the Odyssey, Skipper planted a bomb in your eezo core. Bye bye.

Prose: Oh shi *KA BOOM*

WIN.

[ADLegend21]

Illium, Liara's office Pre-LoTSB

Liara: *typing on console*
Nyxeris: I'm osrry but she's busyy ahh! *thrown by adept Shepard*
Liara: Shepard, it's good to-
Shep: cut the crap Liara, where is she?
Liara: where is who? would you like me to check my information network to find this woman you are looking for?
Shep: don't act liek you don't know who I'm talking about? Where. is. my. daughter?
Liara:....your...daughter?
Shepard: yeah, my little blue kid that should have come out of you during my death. you were all "I've never been so sure of anything in my life" and then you did the black eyes thing to meld my my mind or whatever you do to get pregnant and I was like cool I'll have a baby without having to go through the mood swings and biological stuff so I can still be a soldier. So where's my daughter? *arm cross of intimidation*
Liara: Shepard, Asari can choose when they get pregnant, I didn't want to because I'm only 108 that would be the equivlent of that old human show 16 and pregnant. Did you want me to end up like one of those idiots and havea little girl running around your ship right now.
Shepard: I loved that show! now that you mention it, it would be awesome, we could get a TV crew and you could be all moody and then the crew talks behind your back about you. Come on, let's go make an asari.
Liara: Shepard, have you faced an Asari commando unit before? Few humans have.

[Moiaussi]

Shepard to harbinger on successfully solving the mystery of fully awakening the Citadel and defeating the invading Reapers:

"Found yur keepers, loser Reapers!"

[Firewolf99]

FNG Saunders: So, wait, Shepard sleeps with a different woman every time he goes on a suicide mission?
Garrus: Yep. It was Ashley when we went to Virmire. Then it was Jack through the Omega four relay.
FNG Saunders:... How the hell does he do it?
Garrus: Well, I don't know how humans do it, but Turian males have a thing called a "Penis" and females...
FNG Saunders: NO! I mean how does he seduce a different woman every time? He's a commando, not a love Guru!
Garrus: Yeah. It's pretty uncanny. Almost as if he's following some kind of guide...

[100k]

ADLegend21 wrote...

Illium, Liara's office Pre-LoTSB

Liara: *typing on console*
Nyxeris: I'm osrry but she's busyy ahh! *thrown by adept Shepard*
Liara: Shepard, it's good to-
Shep: cut the crap Liara, where is she?
Liara: where is who? would you like me to check my information network to find this woman you are looking for?
Shep: don't act liek you don't know who I'm talking about? Where. is. my. daughter?
Liara:....your...daughter?
Shepard: yeah, my little blue kid that should have come out of you during my death. you were all "I've never been so sure of anything in my life" and then you did the black eyes thing to meld my my mind or whatever you do to get pregnant and I was like cool I'll have a baby without having to go through the mood swings and biological stuff so I can still be a soldier. So where's my daughter? *arm cross of intimidation*
Liara: Shepard, Asari can choose when they get pregnant, I didn't want to because I'm only 108 that would be the equivlent of that old human show 16 and pregnant. Did you want me to end up like one of those idiots and havea little girl running around your ship right now.
Shepard: I loved that show! now that you mention it, it would be awesome, we could get a TV crew and you could be all moody and then the crew talks behind your back about you. Come on, let's go make an asari.
Liara: Shepard, have you faced an Asari commando unit be--
Shepard: Yep.
Liara glares*:...
Shepard: ...so...are we gonna fvck, or...?

Fix'd 

Modifié par 100k, 03 mai 2011 - 10:22 .

[Herakleia]

Mordin: Later. Updating crew dental records. All Cerberus personnel have cyanide capsules in molars. Primitive. Ocular nerve flashbangs harder to  disarm.

Shepard: Y'ever think of switching to decaf?

Modifié par Herakleia, 05 mai 2011 - 04:53 .

[breakdown71289]

Harbinger: I SEEEEE YOOUUUUU SHEEEPPAAARRDDD.....
Shepard: No.....you don't.
*pepper sprays Harbinger*
Harbinger: AHHHHH! CURSE YOU SHEPARD!
*returns to dark space*
Shepard: tee-hee hee.....

Modifié par breakdown71289, 05 mai 2011 - 09:57 .

[FrostyYeti]

I've read through the entire thread, thanks everyone for posting such entertaining banter

Now its my turn.

*In the shuttle on the way to Zaeed's loyalty mission.*

Shepard: Zaeed, you shouldn't jump out yet! We haven't landed, its not safe!

Zaeed: I know the risks, Shepard. But I've got some damn good men who need me down there. You tell THEM its not safe!

Shepard: But Zaeed, we just can land! It will literally just take a few seconds!

Zaeed: Tell those men down there you "can just land"! Me, I'd rather just get down there and tell them myself- with my bare HANDS!

Shepard: At least take a helmet!

Zaeed: *Already jumping out of the shuttle* There's probably no time!

Zaeed: ZAEED MISSANI

*A few seconds later, Zaeed rolls onto the ground, followed by the shuttle landing seconds after*

Zaeed: Shepard! How did my landing compare to last mission's? Be honest, I'm made of goddamn tough stuff.

Modifié par FrostyYeti, 06 mai 2011 - 05:42 .

[Sandbox47]

Jacob: You're green.
Thane: Indeed.
Jacob: You. Are. Green.
Thane: What are you strying to say?
Jacob: It doesn't bother you that I comment on your skin colour?
Thane: Had I not been green then my species would never have survived our homeplanet.
Jacob: But I thought that you didn't.
Thane: Good point. Does it bother you that Shepard comes to you every morning and says "You are black"?
Jacob: ... Not really, I guess. It's more how she says it that gets to me.
Thane: Oh?
Jacob: I wish that she would stop waking me after two hours of sleep and howling at the top of her lungs.
Thane: She does the same thing with Garrus.
Jacob: Really? But he's not black.
Thane: I mean that she wakes him up every two hours and howls at the top of her lungs within minutes.
Jacob: ... I did not need to know that. I really did not need to know that.
________________________________________________________________________________

Thane: You are blue.
Morinth: And you are not. Jealous?
Thane: ... I am dying. So yes.
Morinth: I could make your last moments the best moments of your life.
Thane: Samara?
Morinth: Never mind. I thought that if Kasumi knew...
Thane: Knew what?
Morinth: A secret.
Thane: About what?
Morinth: Shepard's generousity.
Thane: She is generous.
Morinth: And let's leave it at that.
Thane: Fine. Kasumi? A word.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Joker and Tali watchin a movie while upgrading some random system.
Tali: Those white fluffs. Why are they so popular?
Joker: You mean popcorn?
Tali: Yes.
Joker: They are salty and easy to eat. And they have a catchy name. Pop. Corn.
Tali: ... *turns off Joker's translator* Hvlagdbaragadinesht? *turns it back on*
Joker: O_O Well... What do you want to call them?
Tali: Good excuse to keep your mouth shut during a movie?
Joker: *turns off his translator* Hit me.
Tali: Ix.
Joker: O_O
________________________________________________________________________________

Grunt: Let's headbut until one of us faints.
Garrus: No.
Grunt: Come on! You have a strong skull! I bet that you'll only get some brain damage.
Garrus: No. Go ask Jack or Zaeed.
Grunt: Jack scares me and Zaeed is grumpy since the last time we did it.
Garrus: I am grumpy before we even started. Imagine where this will escalate.
Grunt: ... *thinks about this* You will get angry?
Garrus: No. I will start singing.
Grunt: Fine. I'll go and ask Tali. She has a helmet. And she's not a grumpy, son of... *muttering trails away as he leaves*
________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: We should meet in person.
TIM: ... That is too dangerous. You know that.
Shep: Come on, let's hang out.
TIM: ...
Shep: I'll bet that your last night out was with some boring broad who talked about her daddy issues. I have a bunch of these guys on my crew. Let's meet mano y mano.
TIM: Mano means hand, not man.
Shep: Good. It would have been weird otherwise.
TIM: ... Fine. Where do we meet?
Shep: There's a nice place I've heard of. It's called "Restaurant at the Centre of the Galaxy a la Collector". They serve the most alive mystery meat you've ever seen.
TIM: I'll pass. I think that I'll pass.

[Khambilo]

Legion: We are unsure of your designation.

Jack: What?

Legion: Your designation. Example: Shepard Commander. Vakarian Calibrator. Creator Tali-Zorah. You have no designation. You are a biotic, but Jack Biotic would not be an appropriate designation as Samara Justicar, Taylor Armorer, Lawson Operative, and Krios Assassin all possess biotics. What is your function aboard the Normandy?

Jack: I guess I’m just a pain in the ass.

Legion: Jack Pain-in-the-ass is not an appropriate designation.

Jack: Good, ‘cause if you ever used it, I would have to punch your flashlight head in.

Legion: That outcome would be undesirable.

[Spartanburger]

This came about while thinking about what Tali's reaction would be if/when the Alliance upgrades the Normandy, with Tali in charge.

*Tali and many engineers are in Engineering and there are huge amounts of activity*
*One engineer is following her around and keeping track of her orders*

Tali: Get those couplings unpacked!
Engineer: Yes Ma'am.
Tali: You three. *indicating other engineers* Get to cargo and help install the X5-35A heatsinks!
Other engineers: Yes Ma'am.
Tali: *indicating a Cerberus logo* Why hasn't that logo been removed yet?
Engineer: It...
Tali: No excuses! I wanted that thing removed hours ago!
Engineer: I... I'll get someone on that right away Ma'am!
Tali: Oh Keelah!
*Tali walks over to another engineer, a techie, who is installing a new Terminal at Tali's workstation and shoves the techie our of the way*
Techie: Hey! What are you...
*Tali takes the screen the techie was installing and yanks it off, the unfinished cabling unplugging from the wall*
Techie: You little... I was almost finished installing that you... bucket-head!
*Tali flips the screen 180 degrees, as it was being installed upside-down*
Tali: *nearly shaking with rage* I can't believe you! Of all the competent people in the galaxy and I end up with a [long stream of cussing in Kelish]... *Tali stops and stares over the Techie's shoulder*
Tali: HEY! *Pushes the Techie aside and walks up to an unknown person* What the hell do you think your doing?
Sanders: Uh... Helping?
Tali: *Grabs Sanders' arm and pulls it away from the terminal he was working on.* *eye twitch* Tell me... What is your name?
Sanders: Lt. Sanders *he presses a button on the terminal with his other hand*
Tali: *immediately reaches over and presses another button on the terminal* We need that to live.
Sanders Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Quarian!

*Upstairs, Shepard, Zaeed and Garrus are watching the scene from security cameras*
Garrus: You should probably go down there Shepard...
Zaeed: That's guddamn suicide!
Shepard: I think she's perfectly capable of handing herself. Besides, look at all the new friends she's making!
*A loud scream sounds from the terminal, Shepard flinches*
Garrus: That... looked painful.
Zaeed: Rookie had it coming.

[lolwut666]

Ash: Got chicken?

Sanders: F*** you.

[LuckIs0nMySide]

lolwut666 wrote...

Ash: Got chicken?

Sanders: F*** you.

Win

[Abispa]

MIRANDA: OH... MY... GOD!!!!! Look at those shoes! They are ADORABLE!

JACK: (grinning and giggling) Yes! I know! Just 150 credits from that little shop on Omega!

MIRANDA: They are sooooooo precious! (bites lip as she admires the blue lace and pink ribbons adorning Jack's feet) I know they're new, but, you know, since we have the same shoe size, maybe sometime you could let me, you know...

JACK: (sarcastically) No way, ****! Buy your own! (dramatic pause, then Jack sticks her tongue out) Well, you know...

MIRANDA: (shocked) NO... WAY...

JACK: (playful smile) Way...

MIRANDA: (joyous expression) NO... ****ING... WAY...!

JACK: (holds up a shopping bag and dangles it in front of Miranda) Oh, yes, way ****ing way!

(Miranda takes bag, looks inside, and then they look at each other with sheer joy.)

MIRANDA & JACK TOGETHER: (hugging each other tightly, eyes closed, smiling and jumping for joy) TWO FOR ONE!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

[Abispa]

GARRUS: So, you fear Reapers are going to swoop down upon us?

ALISTAIR: Yes, "swooping" is bad.

[eternalnightmare13]

 Zaeed: So, what do you think Shepard's first name is?
Mordin: Hrmmm...curious - always called by last name or commander.  Human male - embarassed by humorous first name like Dick?  Teased consistantly by class mates?  Reverts to last name only to honor family? No...
Kaden: Oooh! Oooh! I know! It's LANCE! or BRUCE! Am I right, Sheppy! *giggles*
Liara: I never thought of that!  I find it so *fascinating* Shepppard....Shepard....the man with no first name...

[eternalnightmare13]

Abispa wrote...

MIRANDA: OH... MY... GOD!!!!! Look at those shoes! They are ADORABLE!

JACK: (grinning and giggling) Yes! I know! Just 150 credits from that little shop on Omega!

MIRANDA: They are sooooooo precious! (bites lip as she admires the blue lace and pink ribbons adorning Jack's feet) I know they're new, but, you know, since we have the same shoe size, maybe sometime you could let me, you know...

JACK: (sarcastically) No way, ****! Buy your own! (dramatic pause, then Jack sticks her tongue out) Well, you know...

MIRANDA: (shocked) NO... WAY...

JACK: (playful smile) Way...

MIRANDA: (joyous expression) NO... ****ING... WAY...!

JACK: (holds up a shopping bag and dangles it in front of Miranda) Oh, yes, way ****ing way!

(Miranda takes bag, looks inside, and then they look at each other with sheer joy.)

MIRANDA & JACK TOGETHER: (hugging each other tightly, eyes closed, smiling and jumping for joy) TWO FOR ONE!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

...

[Made Nightwing]

*Zaeed, Garrus and Ashley are on the Normandy's firing range in ME3*

Zaeed: I'm the best damn rifle shot in the galaxy.

Garrus: Is that a fact? Well, I'm willing to bet that Operations Chief Williams can outshoot you right now.

Zaeed: Really? You don't think I can beat some Alliance floozy? I'll lay two thousand credits that I win.

Garrus: Done. Hey Ashley?

Ash: Yeah?

Garrus: Don't beat his ass so bad that I can't get a rematch.

Ash: No promises.

Garrus: Come on, I'm on a vigilantes salary, remember?

[Dean_the_Young]

I don't buy that one at all. Terribly OOC. This is how it would have gone:

---

Ash: 'Floozy'?! Why you misogynist son of a-
(Ash shoots Zaeed through the head. Somehow, despite the bullet clearly going through, he survives.)
Zaeed: This takes me back...

[Abispa]

eternalnightmare13 wrote...

Abispa wrote...

MIRANDA: OH... MY... GOD!!!!! Look at those shoes! They are ADORABLE!

JACK: (grinning and giggling) Yes! I know! Just 150 credits from that little shop on Omega!

MIRANDA: They are sooooooo precious! (bites lip as she admires the blue lace and pink ribbons adorning Jack's feet) I know they're new, but, you know, since we have the same shoe size, maybe sometime you could let me, you know...

JACK: (sarcastically) No way, ****! Buy your own! (dramatic pause, then Jack sticks her tongue out) Well, you know...

MIRANDA: (shocked) NO... WAY...

JACK: (playful smile) Way...

MIRANDA: (joyous expression) NO... ****ING... WAY...!

JACK: (holds up a shopping bag and dangles it in front of Miranda) Oh, yes, way ****ing way!

(Miranda takes bag, looks inside, and then they look at each other with sheer joy.)

MIRANDA & JACK TOGETHER: (hugging each other tightly, eyes closed, smiling and jumping for joy) TWO FOR ONE!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

...

I always imagine this scene using Japanese animation.

[Dean_the_Young]

Abispa wrote...

I always imagine this scene using Japanese animation.

...and I just tried to imagine a chibi-fied Mass Effect crew.

I hate you.

[Abispa]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

Abispa wrote...

I always imagine this scene using Japanese animation.

...and I just tried to imagine a chibi-fied Mass Effect crew.

I hate you.

And don't forget to add all that zany anime music that plays whenever the characters start gushing or having a meltdown.

EDIT: Which would fans rather see: super-deformed ME or LEGO ME?

Modifié par Abispa, 09 mai 2011 - 01:25 .

[100k]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

I don't buy that one at all. Terribly OOC. This is how it would have gone:

---

Ash: 'Floozy'?! Why you misogynist son of a-
(Ash shoots Zaeed through the head. Somehow, despite the bullet clearly going through, he survives.)
Zaeed: This takes me back...

Pfffftahahahaha!

[Abispa]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

I don't buy that one at all. Terribly OOC. This is how it would have gone:

---

Ash: 'Floozy'?! Why you misogynist son of a-
(Ash shoots Zaeed through the head. Somehow, despite the bullet clearly going through, he survives.)
Zaeed: This takes me back...

Tis cool.

[naledgeborn]

Fenton wrote...

If Shepard romances Miranda-

Mordin- Do you have any bugs?
Miranda- Any bugs?
Mordins- Uh nothing!