DoNotIngest wrote...
Shortly after the Not-So-Suicidal Mission...
*Shepard finishes his drop by with Tali, Ken & Gabby and walks into Grunt's room*
Shepard: Hey, Gru-- Woah, what are yo-- THAT'S a qua-- Damnit, Grunt! /Slaps his hands over his eyes
Grunt: Battlemaster! I was... This tube in my tank was clogged, I was just trying to clear it!
*Shepard groans at the double meaning*
Grunt: I meant... Battlemaster, I need to return to my Kin.
Shepard, recovering: Grunt, if you want some alone time, next time I'll just kno--
Grunt: No, Shepard. I need a Female.
Shepard: Ooohh. Actually, that's a good idea. I'll tell Joker to set course...
*Shepard leaves and makes his way toward the elevator, shuddering. Zaeed has Tali & the engineers out in the hall, telling one of his old merc stories*
Zaeed: ...so I'm about to start on my beans, when the Batarian pirate - and he turned out to be one - stabs me in the back of the leg with his fork. So I grab my hambone, and I--
Tali: Shepard, what's wrong? You look... Strange.
Ken: Yeah, you look like you just walked out of a Fornax production.
Gabby, elbowing Ken, hisses: That's the Commander you're talking to!
Ken: Uhh-
Shepard: Something like that... /steps into the elevator
*Shepard, Team Dextro, Mordin & Grunt step up onto Wrex's raised "throneroom"*
Wrex: Shepard! Your mission went well, I take it. A lot of killing?
Shepard: Wrex. Yes and yes, and I'll tell you all about it, but we came here because Grunt has another... 'Problem'.
Wrex snickers.
Grunt: Chieftain, I want-- No, I demand breeding rights to a Female of Clan Urdnot.
Wrex: So you're ready for the Rite of Adulthood. Usually it takes at least a year after the Rite of Passage for a Krogan to become ready. I'm not surprised you've come earlier, Urdnot Grunt.
*Grunt puffs up his chest*
Grunt: I am ready, Chieftain.
Wrex: Good. You have your pick of many of the females, thanks to your battle with the Thresher Maw. Choose any one you'd like, Urdnot Grunt. But before you can breed with her, you must show her that you are a true Krogan. You must show her that you are not only fit to demand her company, you are worthy of it.
Grunt, pounding his fists together with a gleam in his blue eyes and a grin on his enormous face: Tell me what to do, Chieftain!
Wrex: You must write her a poem, Urdnot Grunt.
Grunt: ...Chieftain?
Shepard:
!
Tali & Garrus:
Mordin:
Fascinating!
Grunt: Chieftain, what is this 'poem'? Is it a victory sign? Do I carve it in the side of my foe?
Wrex: No.
Shepard: A poem is, well... It's a thoughtful piece of writing. It's supposed to be deep...
Grunt: Deep? Like an armour-piercing round?
Mordin: No, no, no. Poem is an artform. Comes from the Soul. Beauty to it. Shows Female how much she means to you. Outstanding gift to potential mate.
Tali: A poem is supposed to be your honest thoughts about something you care about. You could write one about your Claymore...?
Garrus: I like the ones that rhyme. Doesn't everyone like the ones that rhyme better?
Tali: Yes, everybody likes the ones that rhyme the most.
Grunt: This... This sounds soft. Unfit for a true Krogan! Chieftain, what is this? This... This is an OUTRAGE!
(Shepard, muttering to Team Dextro: "Ever heard of a political sh!tstorm?")
*giggling*
Wrex, fighting a grin: Urdnot Grunt, we Krogan are the one true Warrior Race. We fight and we die, with a lot more fighting than dying. Poetry goes against the nature of all Krogan. You must endure this and produce a piece of soft, mushy beauty for your chosen Female. She will laugh at you and your mush, for they seem weak. But she will know, thanks to your Rite of Passage, that you are strong. In Passage, you Survived the beasts of Tuchanka; In Adulthood, you must Survive being what a Krogan is not. We Survive, we adapt, we grow stronger; The genophage was new to us, and we are adapting! With a united Warrior Race, we will Survive it and our numbers will slowly grow, and the True Battlemasters will rise again. *Wrex stares Grunt in the eye* You will Survive Poetry, and you will grow stronger.
Back on the Normandy, after hours of help (and several smashed crates) from Shepard, Joker (briefly), EDI, Legion, Thane, Samara, Tali & Kasumi...
*Grunt stomps over the perforated grates above the storerooms, the main Engineering hallway, fuming, nearly crushing the flimsy piece metal in which he had engraved his sixth attempt at a poem. Tali & the engineers had long since fled to the first and third floors, respectively, and Zaeed had sealed his (now dented) door and begun a lullaby to Jessie*
Grunt, roaring his poetry around the fourth deck:
"Your eyes are round like a Thresher Maw's jaw,
Your pupil is as sharp as a Klixxen's gut-claw,
Your form is as rugged as Tuchanka's barren waste,
And as luscious and attractive,
As the thought of crushing a Vorcha's face.
Your jaw could tear the fringe from the toughest Turian,
Your claw could pull apart the headstumps of a Salarian,
A Varren's ferocity, a Rachnii's spite,
The face of bloodlust in a fight.
Your legs could straddle a Geth Colossus,
Your arms could..." DAMN!
*Grunt headbutts the Engine Room door, which automatically tries to open and screeches as its now-concave surface won't fit in its slot*
Grunt: Nothing rhymes with Colossus! I am Pure Krogan! I should be revered, not carving mush into scrap metal!
*Zaeed's voice drifts out from his room; "I'll always try to c0kk you gently, but you'll only have it hard; You're a tough old b!tch, and you get jammed up, unless I ram it far..."*
Grunt curses and throws his poetry at Zaeed's door, leaving a gash and a bent piece of claw-engraved literature. Jack ducks under Grunt's newly made sparking half-door, and grabs his arm.
Jack: Hey, William Wadsworth Longfellow, shut the f*ck up with your b*tching, you're giving me a f*cking headache.
Grunt: Leave me, Subject Zero. Your bloodlust is impressive on the battlefield, but you are tempting an enraged PURE KROGAN! /Grunt roars the last words and pounds his fists in frustration
Jack: If you're doing this to get laid, lizard boy, you're not the only one who writes poetry. Come down to the hold with something decent; You know, something f*cked, like that gory massacre sh!t have going, and I'll give you a good ****ing.
*Jack sneers and ducks back under the sparking door*
Grunt:
...Grunt:
End of Surveillance Footage
Modifié par DoNotIngest, 21 juin 2011 - 07:31 .
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