1554 réponses à ce sujet

[raynbow]

miri: commander i have other another outfit if you want to borrow it.
it lifts and supports
shep: oh really? *looks in miri's closet*
this is a gstring and a skimpy wire bra *holds up a long string* how does this lift and support?
miri: you connect the string and pull it through the loops...
shep: i want to punch you

[Sandbox47]

Joker: Ah, you again.
Zaeed: I once knew a guy who reminded me a lot like you. Yeah, his name was Jeff something or other. A french sounding name. Never liked that nitwit. Wanted to blow his goddamn head off but then he got himself promoted to some high-ranking Alliance ship and I never saw him again. Good thing that you switched over to soloing with Shepard, Joker.
Joker: ... Riiight.
EDI: Your name woulds sound french, would it not? Jeoffrey?
Joker: What? Who? It's me Joker here, EDI, haha... don't see?
_______________________________________________________________________________

Tali: So you have never been with a woman?
Joker: Gah! Jeez, Tali, you almost gave me a heart attack... ... Wait, what?
Tali: Have you ever been with a woman?
Joker: You mean ... like that? Like... you know? Like that?
Tali: Ah... I guess..?
Joker: Yeah... Why? I mean-... It's nothing personal but I'd rather stick to one species. Brittle enough as is, you know.
Tali: No, I didn't mean that. I mean - because of our physical conditions we are both unable to be close to people we love...
Joker: Speak for yourself, I've got EDI and Normandy and... and... that came over as way too nerdy, didn't it?
Tali: Totally.
Joker: And your briliant solution?
Tali: Nah, I just came to makes sure that you knew that you would spend a long time before you get any if at all, considering our task.
Joker: ... God damn it. No fair. At least you can get off on buzzers. I've got this ache in my wrist too...
_______________________________________________________________________________

I know but I'm booored. Don't like it then do better.

Modifié par Sandbox47, 04 juillet 2011 - 08:19 .

[Dean_the_Young]

Ok.

[A2N2T]

In Shepard's cabin. Shepard, Zaeed, Jacob, Legion, Grunt, and Joker (via a displayed image) sit around a table.

Shepard:... So I looked down at her and said, "****, that is not a mic your singing into!" (All start laughing. Except for Legion.)
Jacob: Damn.
Joker: That reminds me of this one video where this chick-
Jacob: Oh, Hell no! No more of your porn stories.
Grunt: Unless it's like the one where the that one human female use a blender to-
Shepard: Stop right there, Grunt! I do not want to have the scene re-burned into my head.
Zaeed: That reminds of this one time I was trapped on a Quarian merc station....
Jacob: Quarian mercs don't exist.
Zaeed: (Shakes his head) I was the only one to make it out alive....
Grunt: What? Did you sneeze your way out? ( They all laugh. Legion joins in slightly later.)
Zaeed: No. Strangest thing though, they were all shot in the head.
Grunt: That's strange?
Zaeed: I didn't shoot them. But as I was making my escape, I got shot in the stomach. Almost bled out.
Joker: That reminds me of this one video where- (Video feed is lost.)
Shepard: Oops. (Feed comes back.)
Joker: Very funny, Commander.
Zaeed: Anyway. As I crawled to an escape pod, I saw this light floating in the air. It was almost like... (Looks at Legion)
Legion: We have reached to a consensus that mercenary Creators are believed to not exist because this unit has terminated 756,231.5 Creators who did not have an allegiance to the Flotilla.
Grunt: How do you kill half a Quarian?
Legion: Some envirosuits can quarantine parts of the body to prevent lethal viruses from spreading. In the case of the half-kill, the Creator was shot in multiple places in the lower half of the body. The suit mistook the intense bleeding for a virus and shut down all blood-flow to that half of the Creator. Therefore, this unit counted it as a half-kill.
Jacob: Damn.

[Raven4030]

Inspired by a post in the motivationals by turkey joe:

*Normandy crew gathered around the lunch table*

Jack: Wait a minute! You? You were in a porno? Now this I have got to hear.
Tali: No, you don't.
Jack: Shut up bubble-girl.
Tali: Actually, we're only in the bubble until...
Thane: I was tasked with assassinating an incredibly wealthy human who was bringing economic ruin to various Hanar industries, he supplemented his income with adult films. His compound was incredibly secure, the only time he was vulnerable was when he'd inspect his studio. Unfortunately, the only open position that would get me close enough to my target was as an actor.
Kelly: Tell us what it was like!
Everybody else: NO!!!!
Thane (slipping into memory): [horrible, horrible details nobody ever wants to hear about ever... except Kelly]
Thane: Where did everybody go?
Kelly: Oh, don't worry about them, anyway, continue... wait, why are you still here Joker?
Joker: Jack stole my leg braces as she fled in terror. So, anyway, did you actually kill the guy.
Thane: Technically no, he slipped on some astroglide and fell face first onto a Krogon actor, and his spinal cord was severed.
Joker: I don't know if there is a god, but if there is, I hate him right now.

[MYepes95]

<Leigon enters the tech lab where Mordin is typing>

Leigon: Mordin-Researcher, we have an inquiry regarding your studies regarding collecor technology.

Mordin: Pleased at interest in my work, Leigon, but no time now. Currently trying to determine how scale-itch got onto Normandy. Sexually transmitted disease, only carried by Varren. *sniff* Implications unpleasant.

Leigon: Can we provide assistance in this matter, Mordin-Reasearcher?

Mordin: I appreciate the thought. Think I have it covered. Must get back to work no-

Leigon: Based on intercepted surveillance footage from Zaeed-Mercenary's console, we have determined that there is a statistical propbability of 89.42% that the malady in question was brought onto normandy by Cerberus Operative Chambers.

Mordin: *sniff* Hmm. Suspected as much. Didn't want to take steps without being sure. Should warn Shepard, will be unhappy to hear this. Will be happy to answer any questions you may have. Out of curiosity, what accounts for  the other 10.58%?

Leigon: There was a hole.

Mordin: Sorry. Think my translator is malfunctioning. What did you say?

Leigon: No data available.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Miranda: And so I escaped my father, and I've brought my sister to Cerberus-to you, for protection.

TIM: You found out about our organization through your father's contacts correct?

Miranda: Yes.

TIM: You must be aware that your father has been a staunch supporter of Cerberus, and has donated generously to us over the years.

Miranda: Yes.

TIM: Now tell me why I shouldn't just present you, along with your sister, to your father in exchange for his continued support.

Miranda: I can be valuable to you! I'm a biotic, with the best education money can buy, and engineered to be perfect.

TIM: Generic Cerberus goons, seize her!

<generic Cerberus goons seize her>

Miranda: Wait! I'll do anything!

TIM: Will you wear a catsuit and high heels everywhere you go, and let me call you miri, and sit on my lap when I'm lonely?

Miranda: Okay okay!

TIM: Let her go.

<generic Cerberus goons release her>

TIM: Welcome to cerberus.

[Homebound]

Legion: I have reached concensus, I am alive.

[MYepes95]

<On the citadel, ME1>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah Blah

Shepard: I've had enough of your snide insinuations <PUNCH>

<On the citadel, ME2>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah to the Blah

Shapard: I've had enough of your disingenous assertions <PUNCH>

<On the citadel, ME3>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah you suck Blah

Shepard: I've had enough of your duplicitous implications <swings, she dodges it>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: <HEADBUTT, Shepard knocked unconscious> 

[Sandbox47]

Thane: Tell me something.
Morinth: Yes?
Thane: You killed your mother. What is that like?
Morinth: A burden off of my shoulders. A freedom I have not had in many years. A shame that we're gonna get killed by the Reapers.
Thane: But did you love your mother?
Morinth: Mother is god in the eyes of a child. I suppose that it's a pity that I am no longer a child. For her sake.
________________________________________________________________________________

Kasumi: I was visiting a world a few months ago, before I joined Shepard's team. There I saw a larva become a butterfly. It was in a kind of shell but then the butterfly broke it open, spread it's wings and flew away to find a mate.
Tali: You know that some butterflies are born without the ability to eat, right? They live, have sex and die.
Kasumi: I... that wasn't the point. I mean that sometimes things that are hidden are the more beautiful for it, right?
Tali: I'm not gonna show you what's under the helmet, not worth it.
Kasumi: Gaaah! Can't you just un-tint it!?
Tali: Nope.
Kasumi: I hope you look like a butt. *walks away, angry*
Tali: Oh god... ... ... I hope I don't.
________________________________________________________________________________

Zaeed: ... so there we were, I have one bullet left. The other guy has one bullet left. We shoot at the same time, his bullet is heading straight for my face but my bullet is heading straight for his bullet. The shockwave brakes the nearby window, it was damaged by a shot before so it was a bit weakened to begin with. The air gets sucked out of the room-...
Joker: Looook. I really like your stories. Can you write them all down and then give them to me so that I can read them when we are not being chased by anything big, deadly or armed?
Zaeed: Ah, there's no pleasing you lot.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Modifié par Sandbox47, 10 juillet 2011 - 09:57 .

[somecthemes]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

WARNING: The Following Piece Has Adult Themes.

If you are so young that this offends you, why are you playing these games, which are far more blatant?

/WARNING





(Renegade MShep, Garrus, and Jacob are at the bar on Illium, drinking it up. Matriarch A-what's her name (we'll call her A) is listening in.)

Shepard: Guys, I want you guys to know that you are great. Sensible. Solid. Swell guys. But something doesn't make sense to me.
Garrus: Not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, but you seem to be a bit drunk, Commander.
Jacob: (snorts) A bit? Just how drunk does a guy have to be to use the word 'swell'?
Shepard: I am Commander Shepard, and I'll say whatever the hell I want in this store on the Citadel!
Matriarch A: It's Illium.
Shepard: Illium, Citadel, whatever. Lots of Asari either way. Which brings me back to my point!
Jacob: There was a point?
Shepard: 'Course there was! And that point is: you guys are great and all, but what would an Asari ever see in you? Guys?
Garrus: Well, I realize we can't all have the ladies chasing us, Shepard, but your words wound me. Really.
Shepard: Laugh it up, Garrus. I don't mean you guys, individualy, but I just mean... (waves hand vaguely) you know, guys.
Jacob: Not sure I see where you're coming from, Shepard. I thought you liked T'Soni. It's like a sci-fi vid from pre-contact: Captain flies around the galaxy, saves the universe, gets the alien space babe...
Shepard: Oh,Liara's nice and all, but I'd never sleep with her. It creeps me out just to think of it: Asari creep me out.
Matriarch A: Not quite the thing you want to go about admitting on an Asari colony would, but I'll admit I'm curious, human. What about us scares you?
Shepard: You like being speared by foreign things. Repeatedly. And it makes no sense.
Garrus: Shepard...?
Shepard: It's like this. Asari are supposed to be space babes, right? Taylor?
Jacob: I guess so, sure. Look the part, at least.
Shepard: Exactly. They look it. But they aren't it.
Matriarch A: (Raising an eyebrow.) I assure you, regardless of what the scientists claim, I'm pretty much female as far as your kind is concerned.
Shepard: Except you aren't! You aren't- aren't- compatible! That's the word. You aliens aren't evolutionarily compatible.
Garrus: I remember Liara trying to make some moves on you before, Shepard. Kind of disproves the point, no?
Shepard: No, you ain't getting it, see? Humans evolved with eachother, for each other. When we ****, it's good because it evolved to be good. Biology, right? A woman's 'lips' are perfect because they evolved to be perfect, or else sex wouldn't be fun and where would be the point in reproducing then, huh? Or even if you're just a horny get with another guy: even then, evolutionary sex relief. We have a reason to have it.
Matriarch A: Personal experience, I take it?
Shepard: I was young, drunk, and it was the birthday present for a totally hotter girl.
Jacob: I don't think I need to hear about this part, Commander. Why don't you push on?
Shepard: Push. Right. See, who'd want to push their Johnson into an Asari? Hell, why would an Asari want someone's Johnson in them?
Garrus: Because there's a hole...?
Shepard: You know what else is a hole? Legion's chest. You don't see anyone going around meat jousting that, do you? (pause) Actually, if you do, don't tell me.
Jacob: Gladly. Now get that image out of my head.
Shepard: Gladly gladly. Anyway: human women evolved to expect it. It's part of breeding: Johnson goes in, nine monthes later Johnson Junior comes out. Biology. But Asari aren't like that. They're a-  a- whatever that A word is. They're like flowers: they polinate themselves.
Garrus: And this is a problem because...?
Shepard: Because the parts don't add up! The pipes are incorrect! The plumbing doesn't match! Socket A does not match socket C! I sleep with Ashley, god bless her soul, and it's good because the parts are evolved to be good and maybe a little kid Shepard will spawn. I let Liara have her way with me, and I'm just masturbating into the ****** track on a species that does not have a vagina. Do you get that?
Garrus: What? Translator broke on that one.
Shepard: Does not have a vagina.
Garrus: ...is this a human thing? Because I'm not following.
Matriarch A: Sex organ. That no Asari will have, because Asari did not evolve to involve sexual penetration in the process to have sex: our kicks come more from the embrace eternity bit, with a bit of petting the mammories-
Jacob: Breasts, she means.
Matriarch A: -and face-sucking. To an Asari's body, the whole at the bottom are just where ****** and ****  and little blue babies come out of. Nothing was ever meant to go in.
Shepard: Exactly. I mean, a hole's a hole to a guy, but what does an Asari get out of it? Better question: who was the bright girl who was like 'let's totally shove that thing up my pisser, because it's not like my **** stinks or anything.' No offense.
Matriarch A: None taken. Asari here on Illium would sell their waste if they thought aliens would wear it. Which, I should note, some people probably would.
Garrus: Now wait a second, though: Asari have been having inter-species relationships for thousands of years. There's even a whole cultural stigma about having a relationship with
Matriarch A: Yeah, but ever notice how many of those relationships were with females, or species that don't do the whole penetration-deal? Yeah, we got our cultural baggage to consider, but we still have our inherent preferences. A lot of Asari go blue-buttoned because they don't want to do the deed with an Asari, but don't find most aliens attractive either.
Jacob: I bet when Humans showed up in the galaxy, a lot of those sort got happy, didn't they?
Matriarch A: You're telling me. Humans... that was the quickest alien fetish I'd ever seen, and I've seen a lot of aliens be discovered. Put on a wig, slap on some skin paint... guilt free Asari sex fantasies. I remember two months after Relay 314, some human economic mission came here, and some tart or another took one of the humans, nice looking thing by Asari standards, but she took it aside and showed off across half of Illium like nothing else, just flaunting it.
Shepard: Sounds typical Asari style to me.
Matriarch A: We Asari do know how to gloat, don't we? Of course, she didn't realize the human was male until the pants came off, and what a surprise that was, let me tell you. Did you know that some people call you humans the unholy mix of Asari and Hanar?
Jacob: Wow. Just... wow. Never thought about it like that before.
Shepard: I have. Hence why I've sworn off Asari, and am quite happy with the Human race as is.
Garrus: Wait a second- just wait a second. Back up a bit! You! (Pointing at Matriarch A.) Asari have been having inter-species relationships for thousands of years. Not just with females, but males as well. I've had friends in the military who had relationships with Asari, and I'm not just talking about a visit to the Consort. They never had any complaints about the bedroom reception when they had fun, and Turian males are similar to Human males in at least one respect!
Matriarch A: (Shaking head.) Kids these days. So naive. (Sighs.) Look, kid, it's like your friend said. Asari? We just don't have the parts. We get our kicks off the link itself, plus some heavy petting. But a good Asari... she knows the differences. We all but teach it in school. She knows what pleases her isn't the same as what pleases her partner, and any good lover is going to go out of her way to make it a more pleasant experience for the partner. Even if that means stroking their ego a bit.
Garrus: Then, what they said-
Matriarch: Ha! Kid, let me put it to you straight: if she said she enjoyed it, she was faking it. If she was screaming your name before the melding, she was faking it. If she claims that the physical part with you is the best part, she's faking it.
Shepard: Unless she's a deviant and really does enjoy getting penetrated in weird places. Like the pisser. Or the ear. Same difference, really.
Matriarch A: True. Or that.
Garrus: Shepard, I want to thank and hate you for ruining Asari forever for me.
Jacob: Same here. Can't say I had my eye on anyone in particular, but I think I'll play it conservative from here on out, at least until I forget this night.
Shepard: Any time, guys.

Wow, five hours and I finally finished reading the whole thread, then another half hour to go back and fine the one that left me crying/giggling in a heap from laughing so hard.
To all you great and hilarious writers, thanks.

[Raven4030]

So, not only have Asari been ruined for Garrus, Jacob, and probably the bachelor party with the Asari stripper not too far away, they have been ruined for me. Le sigh *deletes folder suspciously labeled Blue Effect*.

Anyway, on a less adult note:

*SR-2 cockpit*
Joker: Good evening Mr. Shephard
Shephard: Joker, where did you get that cat?
Joker: Tali said she found this cute little thing wandering around the engineering deck.
Shephard: And why did she think she should give it to you?
Joker: She said it's because she's deathly allergic to cats.
Shephard: She's deathly allergic to everything, and walks around in an environmental suit.
Joker: Huh, didn't think about that at the time, but still, it's so cute, can I keep it?
Shephard: No, next time we're planetside you're going to find an animal shelter and give it away, I can't have non-productive animals taking up valuable resources.
Joker: What about Urz?
Shephard: He bites annoying helmsman
Joker: Oh... well can I at least keep it in the cockpit until next we land?
Shephard: Oh fine, still wonder how it got on-board in the first place...

*Engineering Room*
Grunt: WHICH ONE OF YOU TECH JOCKEYS STOLE MY DINNER??
Tali: I saw Joker running around with some fuzzy animal earlier. Thought it strange since Shephard doesn't normally allow pets on the ship... well except that Varren.
Grunt: I'm goint to smash his arms! Wait, no Battlemaster will get pissed off if he can't fly the ship... I'm going to smash his legs! Wait, he doesn't use them all that much... I'll just yell at him alot, should break SOMETHING.
Ken: So... why are you trying to get Joker killed?
Tali: You remember that time he accidentally sent us his extranet browser history?
Gab: You are an evil woman Tali

[GamerT123]

Shepard: councilor earth has been attacked by reapers we your help
Council: Shepard we need your help the reapers are attacking
shep: oh right on time I wrote this poem for
council: but this isn't the time
shep: krogan are red,
asari are blue,
humans have 5 fingers and
the middle one's for you!
shep: Joker lost this channel

[A2N2T]

On Ilos.

Vigil: You are not indoctrinated by the Reapers. This was not unexpected.
Turian Councilor: Ah yes, "Reapers." We have dismissed that claim.
Vigil: I am having an ignorance overload! (Overloads.)

And that, my friends, is why no one could come into contact with Vigil after Shepard left Ilos.

[Sandbox47]

Me. Legend. Dean. A2N2T. I can't believe that we are all empty. =( I guess I see why we wouldn't last as ME writers. I'll eat a lot of buns to charge up on ideas!

[Raven4030]

I'm not all that good... but I did have this one idea...

Palavan, Reaper invasion, giant Reaper closing in:

Shepard: What are you doing Councilor! Get down!!
Turian Councilor: No Shepard, I finally realize my destiny...
*Turian Counciler stands up on cover, arms outstretched*
Turian Councilor: "REAPERS!!!!" (air quotes included)
Turian Councilor: WE HAVE DISMISSED THIS CLAIM!!!!!!
*Reaper fleets all over the galaxy suddenly and instantly vanish*

[Malanek]

Jack: So, what were you doing around twenty-one eighty-two?

Zaeed: Where's this conversation heading?

Jack: I've just been digging around some old files. You were one of the bounty hunters that sent me to Purgatory you @rsehole!

Zaeed: Settle down. It wasn't personal, a mans gotta eat. Besides, later on I busted you outta there.

Jack: You helped bust me out of there. And that's the only reason you're still alive, but you owe me.

Zaeed: I don't owe you anything. You sent a space station crashing down into a Hanar settlement, what'd you expect to happen? The bounty on your head was fair game.

Jack: Bull****. You don't know what happened on that station. And you can only guess what you sentenced me to in that hellhole. Don't talk to me about fairness. You took that bounty for the money and then you slunk away in the background hoping I would never find out. You owe me!!!

Zaeed: What'd you have in mind?

Jack: I've got to hand it to you, you're good at finding people. There are some people from Eden Prime I need to trace, starting with a certain doctor...

[Dean_the_Young]

Sandbox47 wrote...

Me. Legend. Dean. A2N2T. I can't believe that we are all empty. =( I guess I see why we wouldn't last as ME writers. I'll eat a lot of buns to charge up on ideas!

I suppose this isn't the time to mention that a friend is posting a... 37,800 word Mass Effect re-imagination that I wrote for him, is it? It's over at FFN.

Which is going to be trailed by a 26k words of dialogue for a different ME2 AU I decided to flesh out. (Actual dialogue, I mean.)

Modifié par Dean_the_Young, 19 juillet 2011 - 12:16 .

[A2N2T]

Shepard's cabin.

Shepard: Now, do I want my armor to be purple or green?...
EDI: Shepard, we have a situation below the engine room.
Shepard: You mean Jack? What's she doing now? Is she trying to fight with Zaeed and Grunt again?
EDI: It's best if you were to go see for yourself.
Shepard: Alright.

Below the engine deck. Jack is glowing a deep blue. She is pacing heavily. Enter Shepard.

Jack: Stay the **** back Shepard!
Shepard: Jack, calm down. I can't have you destroying the Normandy. Now, what is going on?
Jack: ****. You won't laugh?
(Enter Miranda)
Miranda: Laugh at what?
Jack: **** no! I ain't saying **** while the Cerberus **** is here.
Miranda: You do know that I have a responsibility to keep the Normandy intact? Oh. Wait. You have no idea what responsibility is. (Jack glows almost purple).
Shepard: Enough! We are not going over this again.Miranda, I got this.
Miranda: If that's what you want. (She exits).
Shepard: Jack, what's the problem?
Jack: Someone stole **** from me!
Shepard: Was it Kasumi?
Jack: I already paid her a visit. (Flashback to Jack chasing Kasumi through the mess. Kasumi hurls her alibi and innocence to Jack. Jack hurls insults... and chairs). She didn't take it.
Shepard: Well, what has gone missing?
Jack: It hasn't gone missing! It's ****in' stolen! ****, Shepard.
Shepard: Well, what is i-
Jack: I found it! (She holds up a small tablet).
Shepard: What is that?
Jack; It's my tablet extranet terminal, dip-****.
Shepard: Oh. I knew that.... I should go.
Jack: Yep.

In the elevator.

Shepard: Kasumi?
Kasumi: (Appearing.) Yes?
Shepard: Did you steal Jack's tablet terminal?
Kasumi: Yes. (Pause) But I put it back. (Jack screams in rage and the whole Normandy is filled with the sound)
Shepard: Kasumi?
Kasumi: I may have changed a few themes from depressing pictures of suicide and violence to more happy and cheerful images of puppies, kittens, and chibi baby Krogans.
Shepard: You should hide.
Kasumi: You should too.
Shepard: Kasumi?
Kasumi: On one of the new images I put, "Love, Shepard."
Shepard: (Too himself) And all I wanted to do today was to pick out a new armor color.

Modifié par A2N2T, 19 juillet 2011 - 12:34 .

[Sandbox47]

Dean_the_Young wrote...

Sandbox47 wrote...

Me. Legend. Dean. A2N2T. I can't believe that we are all empty. =( I guess I see why we wouldn't last as ME writers. I'll eat a lot of buns to charge up on ideas!

I suppose this isn't the time to mention that a friend is posting a... 37,800 word Mass Effect re-imagination that I wrote for him, is it? It's over at FFN.

Which is going to be trailed by a 26k words of dialogue for a different ME2 AU I decided to flesh out. (Actual dialogue, I mean.)

Nope. Now ain't the time.

[Sandbox47]

Reapers are attacking! All hope seems lost!
Garrus: This is the end...
Shep: I... think that I have an idea.
Garrus: What is it?
Shep: *walks up to one of the Reapers that is reaping Earth and whispers* Hey mate.
Reaper: *stops what it's doing and whispers back* ... Yeah?
Normandy: *boom, boom, pew, pew, bang, huge hole through mr Reaper while he's busy modifying his vocal thingies to whispering*
Shep: Huh. Whispering is magical...

Cookie for the refrence. =P
________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: The Hanar believe that the Prothean are ... super, right? And the Reapers wiped out Protheans. Does that make Hanar dippy?
Garrus: What do you mean?
Shep: Read my last post very carefully again.
Garrus: Alright, fine. No, it doesn't make them dippy. At least - I think not. We all believe in something.
Shep: Well yeah. But they are wrong and we can prove it.
Garrus: Well... there are some who believe in God even though they are wrong and we can prove it.
Shep: Well yeah, but that's not the same. God is enigmatic. He has a book. A book, Garrus.
Garrus: The Prothean had a civilization...
Shep: ... Fair point but... Oh I dunno. Want a burrito?
________________________________________________________________________________

Reaper: You are uncapable to comprehend our motives. We are massivelly more intelligent.
Shep: You sound like Marvin.
Reaper: Who?
Shep: *sigh* Never mind. You know what's funny though?
Reaper: I know more than your mind could encompass.
Shep: Right... but the funny thing is - what if you go "We are mr awesomesauce" and then we go "But look at my super-secret-duper-weapong-of-deadness. Surely that will kill you?" And then you die and we win.
Reaper: You would regret doing that.
Shep: Why?
Reaper: The environmentalists will be upset at you wiping out a whole species, albeit a species of massive intellect and-...
Shep: Right, right, the Green Peace is just south of here. Jeez.

No offense to any green people who believe in Green Peace. This scenario is very unlikelly to happen IRL anyway.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Jack: Why does peanut butter not taste like peanuts?
Kasumi: Who knows? Why do the Hanar never shave? Why are spoons curved? Why is water wet? Why do children explode if you throw them into heating shafts for major mining complexes?
Jack: ... That was my line.
Kasumi: Yeah. But do you know why peanut butter tastes sugar and new books?
Jack: Stupid idiot, why do you think I asked?
Kasumi: Well then. Shut up.
Jack: What?
Kasumi: I said "eat up". We're going soon.
Jack: You said "shut up" to me...
Kasumi: No I didn't.
Jack: I'm taking you head to Mordin. The rest of you ain't coming.
Kasumi: *cloaks and stealths away*
Jack: ... It doesn't taste like new books at all...
________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a flat miner.
Garrus: I don't think that I want to see that particular miner.
Shep: No, this one is standing next to the broken piano. He was born flatter than usual and grew up to work in mines and make sure that no one gets hit by a piano. They only hire flat people for that.
Garrus: ... You went waaaay out of your way to make this funny.
Shep: Did it work?
Garrus: ... Well, there was a bizarre twist to it.
Shep: No, the twisting people make the spiral staircases.
Garrus: Ah... *walks away, nodding wisely*
________________________________________________________________________________

Reader: People have stopped writting awesomely hillarius and/or potentially bantery thingies here.
Sandbox: Sad.
Reader: Well where have you been, miss "look, my shoes have a hole and I'll fix that with a plastic bag?"
Sandbox: That was sad too.
Reader: I mean where were you the past week?
Sandbox: I was kidnapped by a paraschoute.
Reader: ... .... What? .... .... ... I ...
Sandbox: Dudes and ladies - start posting. Or else BioWare will be sad and go and stop making things that we generally find to be pretty awesome possum.

[BentOrgy]

Sandbox47 wrote...

Reapers are attacking! All hope seems lost!
Garrus: This is the end...
Shep: I... think that I have an idea.
Garrus: What is it?
Shep: *walks up to one of the Reapers that is reaping Earth and whispers* Hey mate.
Reaper: *stops what it's doing and whispers back* ... Yeah?
Normandy: *boom, boom, pew, pew, bang, huge hole through mr Reaper while he's busy modifying his vocal thingies to whispering*
Shep: Huh. Whispering is magical...

Cookie for the refrence. =P
________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: The Hanar believe that the Prothean are ... super, right? And the Reapers wiped out Protheans. Does that make Hanar dippy?
Garrus: What do you mean?
Shep: Read my last post very carefully again.
Garrus: Alright, fine. No, it doesn't make them dippy. At least - I think not. We all believe in something.
Shep: Well yeah. But they are wrong and we can prove it.
Garrus: Well... there are some who believe in God even though they are wrong and we can prove it.
Shep: Well yeah, but that's not the same. God is enigmatic. He has a book. A book, Garrus.
Garrus: The Prothean had a civilization...
Shep: ... Fair point but... Oh I dunno. Want a burrito?
________________________________________________________________________________

Reaper: You are uncapable to comprehend our motives. We are massivelly more intelligent.
Shep: You sound like Marvin.
Reaper: Who?
Shep: *sigh* Never mind. You know what's funny though?
Reaper: I know more than your mind could encompass.
Shep: Right... but the funny thing is - what if you go "We are mr awesomesauce" and then we go "But look at my super-secret-duper-weapong-of-deadness. Surely that will kill you?" And then you die and we win.
Reaper: You would regret doing that.
Shep: Why?
Reaper: The environmentalists will be upset at you wiping out a whole species, albeit a species of massive intellect and-...
Shep: Right, right, the Green Peace is just south of here. Jeez.

No offense to any green people who believe in Green Peace. This scenario is very unlikelly to happen IRL anyway.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Jack: Why does peanut butter not taste like peanuts?
Kasumi: Who knows? Why do the Hanar never shave? Why are spoons curved? Why is water wet? Why do children explode if you throw them into heating shafts for major mining complexes?
Jack: ... That was my line.
Kasumi: Yeah. But do you know why peanut butter tastes sugar and new books?
Jack: Stupid idiot, why do you think I asked?
Kasumi: Well then. Shut up.
Jack: What?
Kasumi: I said "eat up". We're going soon.
Jack: You said "shut up" to me...
Kasumi: No I didn't.
Jack: I'm taking you head to Mordin. The rest of you ain't coming.
Kasumi: *cloaks and stealths away*
Jack: ... It doesn't taste like new books at all...
________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a flat miner.
Garrus: I don't think that I want to see that particular miner.
Shep: No, this one is standing next to the broken piano. He was born flatter than usual and grew up to work in mines and make sure that no one gets hit by a piano. They only hire flat people for that.
Garrus: ... You went waaaay out of your way to make this funny.
Shep: Did it work?
Garrus: ... Well, there was a bizarre twist to it.
Shep: No, the twisting people make the spiral staircases.
Garrus: Ah... *walks away, nodding wisely*
________________________________________________________________________________

Reader: People have stopped writting awesomely hillarius and/or potentially bantery thingies here.
Sandbox: Sad.
Reader: Well where have you been, miss "look, my shoes have a hole and I'll fix that with a plastic bag?"
Sandbox: That was sad too.
Reader: I mean where were you the past week?
Sandbox: I was kidnapped by a paraschoute.
Reader: ... .... What? .... .... ... I ...
Sandbox: Dudes and ladies - start posting. Or else BioWare will be sad and go and stop making things that we generally find to be pretty awesome possum.

After lurkin' like a narcoleptic ninja on this board for ages I can safely say; you never cease to amaze me, which totally removes you from any possibility of being slapped/smacked/kicked/bit/harpooned/lit on fire/eaten by ants while covered in honey/electrocuted/impaled/driven off a cliff/ and or anything that might prove to be less than a good time.... Unless you're into that, I don't judge.

Another thing I can say; if I felt like I could post something worth a few chuckles, I would.... Now I made myself sad.

Keep up teh funnies, you and the Motivationals are what keep me interested in this place.

[Sandbox47]

Phew. I never realized I was that close to being eaten by ants while being driven off a cliff. Dodged a bullet there. Gonna stop sleeping permanently now! (sleep-deprived is the only time when I am motivated to ... do ... stuff)