1554 réponses à ce sujet

[BentOrgy]

You can never bee too careful, Sandyplace.

And I would like to apologise to two groups before I post this; Stevie Wonder, who's song I've butchered, and all of you, for all the seconds this will steal.... Forever.

Jack: Hey, sneaky one, got a minute?
Kasumi: もちろん、どうして？
Jack: You know I hate it when you do that.
Kasumi: 何する?
Jack: Speak plain klepto!
Kasumi: ちょっとひどいだろうね?
Jack: Grr... Hey! Dark one!
Jacob: I told you my not to--
Jack: Yeah whatever, get your shady ass over here.
Jacob: *Sigh* What is it now?
Jack: I wanted to ask slant-eyed here for something, but everytime I try, she speaks all asian at me!
Kasumi: あほ。
Jack: ****! See?!
Jacob: Well what do you want me to do about it?
Jack: Tell her to stop!
Jacob: But why me?
Jack: Y'know, use your black magic to make her talk normal.
Jacob: .... My what?
Jack: Black magic! Kasumi's got it bad.
Jacob: Got -
Jack: Jungle Fever!
Jacob: Now wait a minute -
Jack: She's gone black boy crazy -
Jacob: That's really inapp -
Jack: Ain't no thinking maybe, she's in love -
Jacob: I'm so confused... Kasumi?
Kasumi: 知らないよ。
Jack: We're eachother's baby -
Jacob: Kasumi, please just talk to her... In english...
Kasumi: .... Kay. ^.^

(I might also have to apologise for those who don't have Japanese Kana installed on there computers, so if Kasumi-chan seems to be speaking some weird Rubik's cube dialect, now you know why.)

[Estyss Eon]

Shepard(To Miranda): "So you think you're genetic tailoring is good, huh?"
Miranda: "Shepard, I know my genetic tailoring is good."
Shepard: "So why haven't you saved humanity yet?"
Miranda: *Turns*. "..." *Cries*

[harmonator62]

Shepard enters the weapons battery.
Shep: Garrus, have you got a...hey! Legion, what are you doing here?

Legion: Shepard-Commander! Garrus-Vigilante finish his calibrations on the main guns and wished to sleep in a place no one would disturb him.

Shep: Okay. So can you tell me where Garrus is then?

Legion: (Pause) We are in the middle of some calibrations, please wait for a while. (Turns to the console).

Shep: Legion.

Legion: We are building consensus. Please return later.

[Sandbox47]

Shep: So are the Reapers all plastic on the outside or is it stainless steel or what?
Mordin: Their exterior seems to be an advanced alloy of metals specifically designed for what they are used for.
Shep: That makes no sense, what do you mean?
Mordin: Designed for flying around and killing things. A canon without the punch that Normandy has would have nonexistent chance of succed for penetrating the shell, even if the shields were down.
Shep: I see. How do you know all this?
Mordin: Samples from the derelict Reaper. I found another interesting thing about the shell...
Shep: Yes?
Mordin: It has a writing on it saying... "Made in China". What does that mean?
Shep: *sigh* Somehow I'm not surprised.
________________________________________________________________________________

Garrus: I don't understand humans. And their use of language.
Tali: I don't understand humans. And their use of computers.
Samara: I don't understand humans. And their sexual drive.
Thane: I don't understand humans. And their narcotic needs.
Grunt: I don't understand humans. And their pancy-ass attitude. I do understand Shepard though. And her tendency to turn Reapers into firework factories.
Garrus: Well there's that...
_________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: If you're feeling low ... stand on a stool. If you've stuck on stove ... try to look cool. If you want a banana ... go and find a chimp. And then follow the bastard ... pretend that you are a shrimp.
Garrus: What... are... you...?
Shep: I'm composing a song for you. It's our one month anniversary since we last did... you know.
Garrus: Since we pushed Miranda out of the air lock? Or since we left Jacob with his father on that planet? Or since we gave Legion away, re-programmed, to Aria? Or since we painted Normandy black? Or since we body-painted Liara?
Shep: That one! That last one. About Liara.
Garrus: Aw yeah. That was fun. Your song doesn't fit, though.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Shep: This looks funny...
Zaeed: It reminds me of the time I was taking a bath. I looked down and -....
Jack: WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
Zaeed: It was like a grass-snaked being chocked by a badger.
Kasumi: Eww. Why do we have to know this stuff? Surely you should be telling this to Dr Chakwas?
Shep: Yeah. I just got her drunk and all too...
_________________________________________________________________________________

Garrus: Calibrations finally done.
Legion: *walks into the room*
Garrus: Legion? What are you doing?
Legion: *presses a few buttons on omni tool and then smashes the controls*
Garrus: Legion, what the hell!? Now I have to start over!
Legion: *lowers his head and walks away*
Garrus: See what I'm up against? And Shepard complains that I never finish with these. Stupid AI.
Joker: *over the com* Turrets, Garrus. Turrets. T - U - R ... ets. Get some.
Garrus: You just worry about flying. I've got a stick that Legion is gonna get intimately familiar with before I'm done here.
Joker: EDI's taping it.
_________________________________________________________________________________

[DoNotIngest]

Shepard: Shepard to Team! Shepard to Team! I've been sealed into a section of the Collector Base! Try to hack the door! Hurry, I think ther--
Harbinger: BEND TO ME!
Kasumi: I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going...

[harmonator62]

In the mess hall...

Legion: Gardner-Cook, we have observed you for the past 3 hours, 21 minutes, and 4 seconds.

Gardner: You're spying on me?

Legion: No observing.

Gardner: What's the difference?

Legion: In this time we have watched you clean both of the Normandy's restrooms, cook four whole chickens, and toast a whole loaf of wheat bread.

Gardner: I'm a busy man. I've got to pull my weight on this ship.

Legion: We have also noticed a 405% increase in the number of patients in the medical bay for treatment in this time.

Gardner: Maybe there's a bug going around...

Legion: You did not wash your hands.

Mordin: Ah! Legion, Gardner. Good to see you both. Have either of you noticed that 7 crew members have developed an oral form of scale itch? Need to find source of infection before more casualties.

Legion: Consensus reached. Gardner-Infector is spreading Scale Itch.


Edit: Reference any one?

Modifié par harmonator62, 27 juillet 2011 - 07:19 .

[bigredfrew97]

On Omega...

Shep: Hey you, turian?

???: ...yes?

Shep: You're Gavorn, right?

Gavorn: Yes, that would be me.

Shep: Well, according to the vorcha, you're quite the trickster.

Gavorn: Well, I don't mean to brag, but....

Shep: Bull****!

Gavorn: Huh!?!

Shep: You can't be tricky! Those vorcha figured out that you tricked them!

Gavorn: If you're so sure, then test me! I dare you to even try and wrap your feeble mind around
one of my riddles!

Sheo: Go ahead, take your best shot!

Gavorn: Very well...*ahem. "What is your favorite color?"

Shep: Please, that's easy. It's green....no, wait....
(as Shep is launched into the air) IT'S BLUUUUUUUUUEE!

[Sandbox47]

Kelly: Alright, so it's time again for one of your monthly examinations. How are you feeling?
Shep: Potty. You?
Kelly. I'm fine. I thought that we should discuss things towards which you feel... animosity.
Shep: List's too long, what's the point?
Kelly: Well, not to name any names, but concerns have been voiced here and there aboard the Normandy about your temper and cynicism.
Shep: So... do you want it alphabetically or... song form or... numerically? How?
Kelly: Just start wherever you like. If you really want to then do it alphabetically.
Shep: Sure. Here you are.
Kelly: ... what's this?
Shep: The phone books from Feros, Noveria and Citadel. Start in whichever you like.
Kelly: ... I see.

(much later. much, much later)

Kelly: Huh.
Shep: What?
Kelly: There is a "Mainnyl Davar" listed in all three phone books.
Shep: Oh yeah? I never realized that I hated that guy thrice the amount that I hate the rest...
________________________________________________________________________________

Garrus: You seem moody.
Shep: I'm not moody.
Garrus: Moody, moody, moody. Who's the moody noody? You da' moody noody, yes you are, yes you a-...
Shep: I am not moody! I am pissed.
Garrus: Oh. Well ...
Shep: Got a problem with that?
Garrus: No. Now to the second point I was trying to make.
Shep: Yeah?
Garrus: Why are you nude?
Shep: Ah... My plans are too complex for your inferior mind to understand.
Garrus: Sure. Next time though, wear something when we enter Citadel. People are looking funny at you.
Shep: They don't look funny at all, what are you on about?
_________________________________________________________________________________

Kasumi: Hey, kitty man!
Garrus: Sorry?
Kasumi: Kitty man. You da kitty.
Garrus: Hey... quarian... girl...
Kasumi: Excuse me?
Garrus: Quarian girl. You da cloaked quarian.
Kasumi: ... I don't know whether to be upset or tell Tali about this...
Garrus: Do you like your head fitting in the hood?
Kasumi: Yeah?
Garrus: Then keep this to yourself. Tali's got a shot gun.
________________________________________________________________________________

Joker: EDI, would you say that I am brave and manly?
EDI: I would. Curiously enough, I would say the same thing about Shepard.
Joker: But... she's a girlie person.
EDI: Yet she displays manly characteristics in all aspects but two.
Joker: Alright, fine. So you'd say that I am pretty awesome to be with, right?
EDI: Sometimes you annoy the programing out of me.
Joker: But I am a lady's man, right?
EDI: Well... if you count those ladies you download from the extranet.
Joker: Yeah, but I look like a rugged soldier, with deep eyes that penetrate the soul, right?
EDI: You smeared my camera with something that is by now undescribable. I can barely distinguish you face, much less the eyes. Why are you asking?
Joker: Just wanted it be recorded in your data banks that in case of emergency - no one should contact me.
EDI: ... I suppose that it makes sense.
_________________________________________________________________________________

Zaeed: I once survived for five days eating nothing but blue grass on some unevolved planet with nothing but grass and earth there.
Kasumi: I once ate maggot. On a dare. It was disgusting.
Garrus: I once ate my com. Know how I found out? I heard people talking while in my bed, at night. Voices came from my ass.
Tali: I once ate a chip. Got heavy metal poisoning. Felt ill for two weeks.
Kelly: I once ate a vegetarian.
The rest: Wtf?
Kelly: Not a person! Jeez. A hotdog. A vegetarian hotdog.
Garrus: Then say "hotdog". I've never heard anyone say "Oh yeah, I ate a vegetarian yesterday and two carnivours today. Boy, am I full."
_________________________________________________________________________________

Omega Prophet: I have seen machines of infinite wisdom!
Shep: Me too. I'm off to kick their infinite asses.

[bigredfrew97]

iOnlySignIn wrote...

bigredfrew97 wrote...

On Omega...

Shep: Hey you, turian?

???: ...yes?

Shep: You're Gavorn, right?

Gavorn: Yes, that would be me.

Shep: Well, according to the vorcha, you're quite the trickster.

Gavorn: Well, I don't mean to brag, but....

Shep: Bull****!

Gavorn: Huh!?!

Shep: You can't be tricky! Those vorcha figured out that you tricked them!

Gavorn: If you're so sure, then test me! I dare you to even try and wrap your feeble mind around
one of my riddles!

Shep: Go ahead, take your best shot!

Gavorn: Very well...*ahem. "What is your favorite color?"

Shep: Please, that's easy. It's green....no, wait....
(as Shep is launched into the air) IT'S BLUUUUUUUUUEE!

Ha! I love this one. :-)

Thanks, man. That was actually my first one!

[Sajuro]

-Hawke and Shepard start talking-
Hawke: We were fleeing Lothering as the darkspawn were attacking when we ran into an Ogre who picked up Carver and just smashed him into the ground.
Shepard: It was a calm day at the base when the Thresher Maw attack started, I still see the faces of my friends when I close my eyes
Hawke: Then we went into the deeproads, I took Bethany because I didn't want her to be taken by the Templars.
Shepard: I put Ash with the Salarian commando team, I thought she would be safest with them while I went through the base to provide them support.
Hawke: Then Bartrand betrayed us.... by the time we found our way back on the deep roads, she had contracted the taint.
Shepard: Then Saren and the Geth attacked, I wanted to save her... but I needed to defend the bomb.
Hawke: I held her in my arms, and I ended up having to kill her myself after I told her that I loved her, I couldn't let her suffer like that.
Shepard: I couldn't even be with Ash in her final moments.
Hawke: Then my mother... everything I did was for my family and I couldn't even keep them alive.
Shepard: I remember the pain of dying, struggling for oxygen as I plummeted towards the planet.... before the blackness took me.
Hawke:.... now that's hardly fair.

[Homebound]

MYepes95 wrote...

<On the citadel, ME1>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah Blah

Shepard: I've had enough of your snide insinuations <PUNCH>

<On the citadel, ME2>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah to the Blah

Shapard: I've had enough of your disingenous assertions <PUNCH>

<On the citadel, ME3>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah you suck Blah

Shepard: I've had enough of your duplicitous implications <swings, she dodges it>

Khalisa Bint Sinan Al-Jilani: <HEADBUTT, Shepard knocked unconscious> 

Khalisa bint Sinan Al-Jilani: Blah Blah, you suck blah

Shepard: I have a gun.

[Sandbox47]

Haha. That's great. The funny thing is that if I did take time to watch them then this is how I'd be as well.

[bigredfrew97]

This is very unoriginal, but here ya go!

During the suicide mission...
Shep: Okay Tali, you and Legion will go through the vents while Zaeed and I will give support from the
outside.
Tali: Okay, just let me grab my rope!
Legion: Tali-Creator, there is a 96.48% probability that triple-braided rope will not be required.
Shep: Ohh god, not this again...
Tali: But what if...
Legion: Tali-Creator, even accounting for 3.52% effective of triple-braided rope, the Collector vents heat will exceed 85% safety precautions for creator species.
Tali: I'M BRINGING IT! PERIOD!
Legion: Very well.
(Tali and Legion in the vents)
Tali: Uhhgg, It's sweltering in here...
Legion: Consensus achieved, Tali-Creators heat signature would be decreased by 32.61% had she
relinquished rope before herself and unit entered Collector vents.
Tali: Ya know what, I'm gettin' sick and ....
(as Tali and Legion argue, the vent collapes, leaving the two stuck hanging upside down
in a room filled with Collectors)
Shep: Tali! What the hell happened in there!
Zaeed: Boy, this takes me back. I remember this one time in Boston, back on Earth...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Grunt: Hey you, Jack, right?
Jack: What do you want?!
Grunt: You act tough, but I bet I can beat you!
Jack: You wanna try, you little ****!
Grunt: I challenge you! Meet me in Afterlife, tonight!
Jack: You're on!
(Later that night...)
Jack: So, are we gonna stand here pissing around, or are we gonna fight!
Grunt: Who said anything about fighting? (Grunt motions to the barkeeper,
who brings out 20 shots of Ryncol for both of them)
Jack: Ohh, I see. Is this some ****ty attempt at ****ing me?
Grunt: Please! You consider yourself enough to merit a mating request from me! I am pure
Krogan. I am simply here to prove my superiority!
Jack: Ok ****head. Let's get started!

(10 drinks in...)

Jack: Feeling woozy yet?
Grunt: (Tipsy) Not in the...slightest.
Jack: Good, I wanna make sure you're not passed out when I beat ya!
Grunt: How many are left?
Jack: We're only half way through...
Grunt: Great...

(Back in the Normandy bathroom)

Grunt: Oh, Shiagur would be disgraced...(proceeds to hurl)
Jack: haha, next time you wanna throwdown, you know where to find me...

Modifié par bigredfrew97, 31 juillet 2011 - 08:17 .

[somecthemes]

This seriously can not be the end of the road! Come on, Sand Box, Dean, ummm.. well the Irish guy and the weird guy too; there's always the option to start a new thread in ME3's forum.
That or we'll be forced into reading the junk that comes across the net as fanfiction.

And since I couldn't think of anything that'd be actually funny, I was forced to wonder, what with Quarian suits being fully self contained, in the event of a waste leakage, it it like Steve-O in Jack@ss 2 with the porta-potty bungie? Just thought there might be occasions when the cleanest self cleaning cycle just isn't going to work. That's kinda funny, right?

[bigredfrew97]

Not banter perse, but hopefully enjoyable nonetheless...

(Femshep walks by the med-bay, when she hears the faint sound of music)

Femshep: Garrus, are you "calibrating" in there?

Garrus: Wha..no, come in.

Femshep: Are you wearing facepaint?

Garrus: yea, like I always do.

Femshep: Well, I know, but...it's white. Is that a bass? (picks up a bass guitar shaped like
axe)

Garrus: Umm, yea, yea it is....

Femshep: Is there something you want to tell me?

Garrus: Well, I sorta, kinda...fine, I'm in a cover band. I discovered the most incredible human band
years ago when I first joined C-Sec. KISS, I believed they called themselves. Veleran joined with me, but since we defeated Saren, we've...parted ways. I've been trying to reform it for two years.

Femshep: I understand, Garrus. But why the bass?

Garrus: Well, Grunt called drums, and you've see Mordin's talents for yourself. Plus, chicks dig the bassist.

Femshep: Is that so?

Garrus: Gives "Love Gun" a whole new meaning....no, no wait. It's the same.

Modifié par bigredfrew97, 02 août 2011 - 06:41 .

[MarchWaltz]

MarchWaltz wrote...

 [Femshep and Liara, romanced (cause lesbians are hot)]
[Liara is in the med bay, unconscious from a wound that might be fatal]

Garrus: She's going to be fine Shepard, Doctor Chakwas and Doctor Michel are the best in the business.

Shep: I know Garrus

Tali: I'm sure she has taken worse, Shepard. After all, she IS one of your squad, she won't go down easy.

Wrex: Heh, you got THAT right, especially with her biotics, we biotics are a force to be reckoned with.

Shep: She took a bullet that was meant for me

..............

Virmire Survivor: Lets go guys, we have to prep for the next mission. Commander, see you in 20. Give her my best when she wakes up.

[Everyone walks out except Shepard, sitting by Liara's bedside]

Shep:...Liara, I....I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. You......ever since we met, I know I wanted to share my life with you. *Shepard grabs her hand and moves closer*

Shep:..I never been in love, Liara. When I died-

*Shepard pauses from a moment*

Shep:..when I died, in space, all that I could think about was you, how I was leaving you. My last thought was about the night we expressed our love physically to each other before Ilos. I went peacefully.

Shep: I'm not going to let you die, Liara. You did not give up on me when I died, you, and only you, are the reason why I came back.

*Liara is unresponsive*

*Shep gets closer, grasping her hand tighter*

Shep: Damnit, Liara, I meant it I wanted to have children with you, after all this is over. I want to spend our lives together, having our little blue children run around. Dont give up on me.

Shep: I need you Liara..........I need you to recover, cause I can't make it on my own

Just reposting mine, I think it flew under the radar

[DoNotIngest]

No, I read it =P

[Sajuro]

Miranda: So, you and Shepard....
Jack: What about it?
Miranda: I thought you would have a problem with authority figures.
Jack: He's different.
Miranda: yes, I imagine he is different than the men you usually have above you.
Jack: Oh, did you work on that all night?
Miranda:....I'm done talking.
--------
Mordin: I have a hypothesis on why Jacob acts hostile towards you.
Thane: Because I'm an assassin? He made his feelings clear.
Mordin: No, that is only a cover, I believe he feels that his chances with the commander are threatened by you being aboard the ship.
Thane: The Commander would express as little interest in Jacob as she is right now even if I weren't here.
Mordin: Possibly, but human males do have the urge to be Alphas of the pack.

[Made Nightwing]

Citadel Lawyer: Elise Shepard?
Shepard: Yes?
Citadel Lawyer: I'm here to present you with a summons to a sexual harrassment lawsuit.
Shepard: What the sh!t? Who's suing me?
Citadel Lawyer: Lieutenant Jacob Taylor, your armoury officer.
Shepard: You're not serious?
Citadel Lawyer: I am. His reasons are, "Every time she comes in, she's constantly hitting on me. Propping herself up against the weapons bench, putting that growl in her voice. She asks if I have a wife or girlfriend. She starts being nasty to Miranda after she finds out we were dating."
Shepard: Ridiculous, I propped myself up on the bench because it was comfortable. I had a growl in my voice because I had a cold. And I'm nasty to Miranda because I don't like her.
Citadel Lawyer: Mr. Taylor also claims that you told him it would be a heavy risk to sneak into your quarters, but the priiiiiiiiiize would be worth it.
Shepard:...I plead insanity by reason of bedazzlement.
Lawyer: Bedazzlement?
Shepard: Have you seen his abs? And I've read his workout schedule, the guy doesn't use any enhancer's, he's all natural.
Lawyer: This case is going to be easier than I thought.

[somecthemes]

Shep: Liara, you're blue.
Liara: I know, Sheppard, the obvious assualts my eyes every time I look in a mirror.
Shep: It's just weird, you're a plant, and you're blue.
Liara: I also walk on two appendages and can link mentally with any sapient species, but you don't point out those qualities when comparing me to your plants back home.
Shep: Yeah, but what I mean is that a plant with blue pigments would've only grown on a world where the ultraviolet light was signifigant enought to be the primary impetus behind photosynethesis. How can you even discern the color blue when looking in a mirror? Shouldn't you see everything in shades of red and be almost a blind as a mole in the open? Shouldn't you need someone every now and then reminding you that you are in fact: blue?
Liara: I really hate talking about stuff like this with you, Sheppard.

[bigredfrew97]

Shep: Hey Joker, what's your opinion on the people we're picking up?
Joker: Well, Commander....it's just my opinion, there's really no need to go spreading it around.
Shep: Well, yea...but I still wanna know.
Joker: Commander, I'm not really comfortable...
Shep: DAMN IT, JOKER! TALK TO ME!
Joker: Okay, okay! Garrus has a stick so far up his ass he gets splinters when he whistles, Miranda's colder than Santa's beard, Jacob's a tool, Mordin has a god complex, and Samara just plain scares the **** out of me. You happy!
Shep: Well, no. Gotta go, bye!
Joker: Man, what's his deal today?
EDI: Jeff, during your interaction with the commander, I believe you left your hand on the intercom.
Joker: ohhhh........crap

Modifié par bigredfrew97, 03 août 2011 - 05:57 .