Character/Pairing: Alistair, Zevran, Oghren + Leliana x Male Cousland
Denerim.
A beautiful and peaceful town both at day and at night.
It was a wonderful evening for the city dweller.
Everyone was getting to bed to join the city of dreams.
Everything was wonderful.
Unless you are at the Cousland's home.
Unless you are in a particular room with a dwarf fighter, a former assassin elf, a former templar Grey Warden who was now king, and the Cousland's child.
Besides that, everything was fine... really... fine...
...
"Once upon a time..." started the fighter dwarf.
"That's lame my dear dwarven friend. Can't you be more original? Trust a dwarf to come up with something original is like... uh... like..." the former assassin elf searched for an appropriate metaphor.
"Like trusting Zevran alone in a room with an unguarded virgin." joked the former Grey Warden templar.
"Yes. Good point Alistair... if only we could say the same to you." replied Zevran.
"Yeah !... Wait... what?" Alistair frowned, confused.
"Shut up." Oghren glared at Zevran. "Oh, so you think you can do better, elf?
"Oh, but of course I can."
"Hell no, I'm the one here who will tell him a soddin..."
"Uncle Oghren..."
The young son of the Cousland family, Bryce Cousland, was waiting for his bed time story with a certain degree of impatience.
Suddenly Oghren just remembered that Leliana would be upset if he or another one cursed around her son or made him cry.
And an upset Leliana mean... Well...A lot of blood with a broken nose, carving trips and arrows in the ass.
Oh, it wasn't that he was scared of her or something.
What kind of a man would be afraid of a woman?
Especially a woman who could quickly slaughter an ogre with only two daggers.
Especially a woman who could seduce you at first and then murder you after you have fallen asleep.
...
...
...
Maybe it would be better if he watched his language a bit. At least for tonight while he was with the little brat.
Oh, don't get him wrong, Oghren liked Bryce, and not only because he was the son of the hero of Ferelden.
The young boy was really something.
He was very innocent. He had the red hair of his mother and the green eyes of his father.
Aedan Cousland...
He was the one who told him what the way of a true warrior was.
Before he could think furthermore, Oghren felt a tug on his arm.
"Yeah, yeah, I know my boy I'm sorry, let's start from the beginning."
Bryce nodded and waited for the story.
"Once upon a time..." Oghren began.
"Again..."
"ALISTAIR!" shouted the angry dwarf.
"Okay okay, I will keep my mouth shut."
Zevran muttered lowly. "For once..."
Oghren glared at the offensive elf and annoying king before he continued.
"One day, while my great-grandfather Gurdil was taking his annual bath, someone stole his clothes."
Before Oghren could continue his story, he was rudely interrupted ...AGAIN... by two horrified Alistair and Zevran.
"An annual bath?! That's gross!"
"An annual bath?! That's disgusting!"
Oghren twitched. He decided to proceed calmly.
"I haven't finished yet."
"That is why I'm worried." murmured Alistair.
Oghren ignored the annoying and idiotic king.
"Well, as he hasn't found the culprit, he avenged himself."
Zevran wasn't any better as he said sarcastically, "It's very interesting."
Oghren twitched even more.
"Will you just shut up and let me finish the damn story?"
"Then hurry up with it."
Oghren ignored the offensive elf.
"He has dug into the stockroom and he made underpants of iron !"
Silence...
"I can already hear Wynne saying, 'Your joke is as empty as the void between your ears...'"
Oghren lost count of how many times he twitched.
"What are you talking about, Alistair? Or should I say, 'little pike twirler?'"
At this, Alistair began to blush madly.
Before he could response, Zevran asked with a smirk :
"So these... underpants… what about them?"
Alistair put one hand on his face. I can't believe he asked.
"Well, finally they gave him the name 'Gurdil Bright-Ass!' Hehehe hehehehe hahaha...hem 'cough' "
Silence...
More silence...
Worse than silence...
Zevran had to ask, even if it endangered his life doing so.
"Is... this... dwarven humor?"
Oghren, rather proud of his story, said, "Oh yeah it's a famous story-joke in Orzammar !"
Alistair gathered all his courage and diplomacy to try the impossible: Not Angering Oghren by saying that his story was... not funny.
Miracle tried.
"Honestly... it's...really... What we mean to say...is..."
"That was the worst story I ever heard in my entire life." Zevran declared.
Miracle failed.
"Thanks a lot Zevran."
"My pleasure to be at your command, my lord." Zevran beamed.
Oghren was very angry. No, angry was too small a word to describe his wrath.
"What the hell do you mean 'worst story' ?! You sodding elf, I will teach you a lesson!" said Oghren, picking up his axe.
"My, my, aren't you touchy." said Zevran with a small smirk.
"Shut up, both of you!" Alistair yelled. "You're both scaring Bryce."
The three of them looked at young lad, who was on the verge of tears.
This wasn't good, if Bryce was upset and Leliana knew about it...
It would mean only one thing.
The gallows!
Of course, not before being tortured slowly with sharp objects.
If young Bryce Cousland's vision wasn't blurry because of his tears, he would have seen the three adults shaking, white faced and murmuring something like, "We are dead, we are so dead...'
"No, no, no, please don't cry Bryce! Whatever you do, don't cry." pleaded a panicking Alistair.
"Yes, how about the magnificent Uncle Zevran tells you a whole new and BETTER story than... the twerp's." offered Zevran while looking at a fuming Oghren.
Bryce calmed down and cocked his head to the side. Grinning innocently, he asked, "U-uncle Zevran know... s-stories?"
"Of course! I know many tales from Ferelden and Antiva. Most of the wh*res who raised me told me tha-" before he could continue, Alistair put quickly his hand over Zevran's mouth.
Unfortunately, it was too late! The question had to be asked.
"Uncle Zevran... What's a wh*re?"
Oghren and Alistair thought the same thing.
Sh*t!
They had to think quickly of a way to answer the question without upsetting Bryce nor breaking his innocence...yet. And hope that Leliana wouldn't hear any of it.
Alistair was the first to speak.
"What he means to say is... Well... your uncle Zevran was raised because of the WAR."
Oghren continued the little lie.
"Yeah. Like your father - he became the hero of Ferelden because of the war against the darkspawn."
"And like Sten would say: He has grown mature because of it." said Zevran.
Bryce looked at his three uncles, a bit confused.
"So... Daddy became a man... because of a wh*re?"
"YES ! Clever boy." Alistair grinned, patting the head of the young red haired boy.
And his worst mistake would have been to think that he said "war" instead of "wh*re."
The young Cousland giggled and smiled.
"I-I want to be a m-man too,.. Like Daddy and Uncle Alistair, Zevran and Oghren!"
"Aww, how cute!" Zevran beamed.
"Alistair and the elf? A man?" mocked Oghren.
Alistair ignored him. "Hey, how about we all go to the beach tomorrow with Aedan and show Bryce how to be a man?"
"That is an excellent proposition Alistair. I will show him how to use poison."
"In your dreams elf! I will teach him how to use an axe. You can't be a man if you can't use an axe!"
"I will show him how to use a shield and a sword. Who knows, maybe he will be one of my best knights!"
They continued on and on about who would teach what to Bryce.
However, they weren't aware about another mistake they had made.
Bryce was looking at his three uncles and muttered to himself.
"... B-B*tch?"
...
"B*TCH!?" He giggled.
The three looked at him, horrified.
No...!
Sodding...!
Way...!
...
This time, Leliana Cousland was pleased with her guests. They didn't do anything to upset her son (she heard him giggling), they didn't do anything that could break the house – like last time...
After the last incident in her house,she had warned them that if any of them showed up again, she would not hesitate to obliterate their offending presence with a bow and flaming arrows.
But they liked Bryce very much and he liked them too. So she forgave them... for now.
The three uncles were about to leave, when a small sleepy voice came from behind them.
"Mommy..."
Immediately Bryce was in his mother's arms. He giggled when she kissed his cheek and muttered soft, sweet things in his ears.
"What is it, love? Why aren't you sleeping? It's past midnight."
Bryce looked up at his mother and grinned.
"You know Mommy..."
Alistair had a bad feeling about this. "Maybe... we should... go away."
"Yes, that...would be better." agreed Zevran.
"Let's get out of here!" said Oghren.
But before they could get to the door...
"Uncle Alistair, Zevran and Oghren said that Daddy grew into a man because of wh*res and they will bring me to a b*tch tomorrow to make me a man too. Isn't it great?" beamed the young Cousland.
Silence.
More silence.
Worst than silence.
CATASTROPHIC silence.
Leliana didn't said anything.
Maybe there was still hope in living after all.
So they thought... Until they saw her eyes.
Those blue deadly eyes said only one thing: MURDER!
...
It is said that their bodies were never found and that they were defeated by something worse than the darkspawns, archdemons and broodmothers reunited... An angry housewife.
Their screams would haunt Denerim forever.
...
"Dare I ask what happened here?" asked a rather confused Aedan Cousland upon discovering a crying Alistair, a castrated Zevran and a beardless Oghren outside his house.
"No... You don't..." replied the three broken, beaten, bloody men.
END...?
Bonus:
Someone was at the front door.
She was in a bad mood because of the previews 'visitors' and didn't want to open the door but since Aedan insisted...
After opening the door.
"..." Deadly Glare.
"..." Deadly Glare.
"Bard..."
"Witch..."
Door shut violently.
"Who was that?" Asked her husband, who was wondering why his wife was locking the front door.
"The bread seller..."
"At night?"
"LELIANA! Open the door! NOW!"
"...Doesn't that sound like Morrigan?"
END
Modifié par RevanKun123, 10 février 2011 - 10:02 .
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