Hawke walks up to Knight Captain Cullen
Hawke: 'Greetings Captain, I wish to register a complaint."
(Cullen does not respond.)
H: 'Ello, Captin'?
(Hawke knocks on Cullen's helmet.)
Captain Cullen: "Please don't do that while I am studiously ignoring you.
H: I'm sorry, but. I wish to make a complaint!
C: We're closin' for lunch.
H: Never mind that, Captain. I wish to complain about your Templars. I am a mage, a bloodmage to be precise. Here I am casting spells everywhere and dripping blood from the wrists and your Templars refuse to arrest me.
C: Your not a mage. If you were a mage my Templars would tell me and they haven't so your not.
H: Yes I am.
C: No your not.
H: Yes I AM.
C: Matthew, is this man casting spells and dripping from the wrists a mage?
Matthew: No sir. No mages around here.
(Hawke casts a spell at Matthew who explodes into hundreds of meaty bits.)
H: See, I am a mage.. a maleficarum!
C: No, your not. If you were Matthew would have said so.
H: Matthew is dead. I just killed him.
C: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
H: Look, matey, I know a dead Templar when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
C: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable men, the Kirkwall Templar! See what nice helmets they wear.
H: The helmet don't enter into it. The head is no longer attached to the body. He's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
H: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at decapitated head)
'Ello, Mister Templar, I've got some lovely fresh Lyrium for you if you show....
(Cullen nudges the helmet with his foot.)
C: There, he moved!
H: No, he didn't, that was you kicking the helmet!
C: I never!!
H: Yes, you did!
C: I never, never did anything...
H: (Hawke picks up the head and starts banging on the helmet) 'ELLO MATTHEW!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes head out of the helmet and thumps it on the Cullen's breastplate. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
H: Now that's what I call a dead Templar.
C: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
H: STUNNED?!?
C: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Templars stun easily, major.
H: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Templar is definitely deceased, and I killed him. I am a spell casting, blood spilling, demon worshiping mage!
C: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
H: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, Look. I just blasted your next in command into tiny meaty bits in front of your face!
C: Oh now sir. Templars explode into meaty bits all the time. He is just homesick. He will be fine! You'll see.
(Hawke grabs a sword from a stall and nails the head of the Templar to a nearby post.)
H: So.. your saying that Templar Matthew will be fine, missing his body and with his head spiked to a post.
(pause)
C: Well, o'course he will sir.. and good thing he is nailed there too or he might be off to the Hanged Man or the Blooming Rose... VOOMMM. Matthew does have a way with the ladies.
H: "VOOM"?!? Mate, the man wouldn't "voom" if I hit him with a Lighning Boltt! 'E's bleedin' demised!
C: No no! 'E's pining!
H: 'E's not pinin'! 'And he isnt interested in the ladies as is body is plastering half of the gallows! E's passed on! This man is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet the Maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If I hadn't nailed 'im to the post 'e'd be pushing up daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' fade!!
THIS IS AN EX-TEMPLAR!!
(pause)
(pause)
C: If you would like to leave a message for Matthew, I can give it to him when he gets back from the Rose.
(Hawke marches off in a mixture of anger, frustraition and disgust.)