Part 35The army arrives at Denerim and finds the city already in flames
Eamon: I'm glad I renewed my fire insurance this year, aren't you Alistwo?
Anora grabs the puppet from Eamon and throws it into the flames
Eamon: Noooooooo! Alistwo nooooo!
Teagan: Oh stop it Eamon, you're embarrassing me!
Eamon: But that was my favourite Alistair! That one never even complained when I shoved my hand up his...
Teagan: I thought it was a string puppet?
Eamon: I like puppets that go both ways, then Isolde can play with them too
Qwerty: Remind me never to visit Redcliffe Castle ever again
The Darkspawn run out and attack the armies, who stop standing around and start fighting
Alistair: Can I stop being dead now please?
Qwerty (waving the toolset): No
Morrigan casts animate dead on Alistair
Alistair: Oh great, so now I'm a skeleton
Morrigan: At least you've lost weight
Riordan: Press forward!
Qwerty: That would be the W key?
Riordan: What?
Qwerty: You know, WASD
Riordan: What?
Qwerty: Nevermind
Alistair: See I'd have gotten the joke. But I'm still pissed at you for killing me
Qwerty: You mutated into a taint monster and attacked us
Alistair: Oh right, I forgot about that
Riordan: I suggest taking Loghain and no more than two others with you into the city. Anyone you don't bring with you can remain here to prevent more darkspawn from entering Denerim on our tails
Morrigan: I no longer have a tail
Leliana: But I have many tales
Qwerty: How are we supposed to fight the Arch Demon when it's flying up there?
Riordan: I suggest we find a high point in the city, the tower of Fort Drakon. But this is actually completely irrelevant since my plan involves forcing the dragon to land and it may not necessarily chose the highest location and might instead land anywhere in the city
Qwerty: Why do I never meet anybody with good plans?
Alistair: I have a cunning plan!
Riordan: There are also two darkspawn generals in the city you may want to kill but don't have to although really you do have to kill at least one but it's wise to kill both even though leaving one alive will have no noticeable effect on the battle with the Arch Demon. Understood?
Qwerty: I get the general idea
Alistair: Ha, good one!
Riordan: Who will you take with you into the city?
Qwerty: Leliana, Shale and Morrigan
Riordan: Fair enough, even though I recommended taking Loghain I will make no attempt to change your mind, mostly because I do not have a mind myself and so do not know how to change one
Oghren: That reminds me, how many Grey Wardens does it take to change a lightbulb?
Riordan: What's a lightbulb?
Oghren: I dunno, a candle then
Riordan: I don't know, how many Grey Wardens does it take to change a candle?
Oghren: Actually I don't know that either, I was drunk when somebody told me the joke and I passed out before the punchline
Riordan: Anyway, all those left behind shall guard the gates. Who shall lead them?
Qwerty: Gaspode
Loghain: What? I'm to take orders from a dog?
Qwerty: Yep
Loghain: Can I please be executed instead?
Qwerty: Nope
Sten: The dog is a fierce warrior, I shall respect his leadership
Oghren: After marriage to Branka I'm used to being bossed around by a b***h
Wynne: Have the darkspawn destroyed the chantry yet? Can I blow it up? Please?
Shale: I would not have thought I would say this but... I am glad I am going with it. And not just because the pervy dwarf who keeps staring at my behind is being left behind
Oghren: Heh, you said "behind". Twice
Zevran: And what of me? I am a skilled assassin and masseuse, why am I to be neglected once again?
Qwerty: Your job is to give Loghain a massage after the battle. I'm sure he'd enjoy it
Loghain: Well I suppose my muscles do get a bit tense... why are you suddenly trying to be nice to me?
Qwerty: Oh no reason
Gaspode: *bark*
Qwerty: Be a good boy and I'll let you eat Alistair's ribs
Alistair: Hey!
Leliana: We stand on the precipice, before the greatest battle of our age... now that I think about it that is an awfully strong premonition of how much of a disappointment the sequel will be isn't it? But never mind that, I wonder if the heroes of old ever felt like this
Leliana gropes Qwerty
Qwerty: Um... I'm sure some of them... felt something similar
Leliana: Well if any of them or anyone else try to feel this you had better be willing to share them with me!
Leliana winks
Qwerty: Maybe we should get the general in the Alienage, see if Shianni will be... grateful for our aid?
Leliana: Good idea!
The party make their way into the city
Soldier1: Kill those godless bastards!
Soldier2: That's a bit extreme isn't it? I'm an atheist myself, you want to kill me too?
Soldier1: Actually yes, but nothing to do with religion, just because you shagged my girlfriend
Soldier2: I told you, Isabela is not your girlfriend, she's everybody's girlfriend. She'd probably even shag the Arch Demon
Soldier3: Hah I bet that's the real reason the darkspawn came to Denerim!
Soldier2: Nah, she's gone to Kirkwall now
Soldier4: We're counting on you Warden!
Soldier5: Seven, eight, nine, ten... Warden could you take your boots off please so we can count to twenty?
Soldier6: Maker watch over you!
Soldier7: If I was the Maker I'd be watching under, that way I could look up his girlfriends dress!
Leliana: It looks like the market is being destroyed
Qwerty: Those sodding merchants ripped me off too many times, let's leave them and go help the elves
Riordan stands atop a tower, watching the Arch Demon fly past. He takes aim, runs to the edge and leaps... missing the Arch Demon by a wide margin and splats onto the ground next to the party as they enter the Alienage
Morrigan: It's raining men
Qwerty: Not another song, please. At least not that song anyway
Shianni: You? The Maker sure gave you the gift of good timing didn't he?
Leliana: That's not the only gift the Maker gave him
Shianni: You mean you? That's sweet... a little arrogant, but sweet
Leliana: That's not what I meant
Shianni (blushing): Oh!
Qwerty: You never did thank us for our help earlier
Shianni: I suppose I didn't...
Leliana: I'm sure we could come up with some way you could express your gratitude
Alistair: Oh come on, there's darkspawn attacking, are we really going to stop so you can have sex?
Morrigan: Alistair, let me explain how this spell works. I reanimate your remains and you become my slave. Not only are you not going to object, you are going to single handedly attack the Darkspawn to keep them busy in the meantime
Alistair: I hate you so much
Another fade to black threesome later... the party find the darkspawn throwing Alistairs bones around. His skull happens to roll next to Qwertys foot. Qwerty picks it up
Qwerty: Alas poor Alice, I knew him well...
Alistair: Oh great, this is what I'm reduced to now? Couldn't it at least have been a Planesecape: Torment reference? Or Murray?
Qwerty: You're right, you don't deserve this
Alistair: I'm glad you finally acknowledge that
Qwerty: You deserve this...
Qwerty punts Alistair's skull into the air, sending it flying into the Arch Demon. The Arch Demon is dazed and crashes into the roof of Fort Drakon
Alistair: Yay! I helped! I did Grey Warden stuff!
The Arch Demon picks up the skull, examines it and swallows it
The party are battling the Darkspawn when suddenly...
Qwerty: Hey what's that? Something popped up on my UI
Leliana: It's to call for help from our allies
Qwerty: Ok let's see, mages and dwarves and... why are the dwarves not coming?
Mage: Because you asked for us first
Qwerty: I can't have both? Why did I go to all the trouble of recruiting all those armies if I can only use one at a time?
Leliana: Some of those armies have some sexy ladies...
Qwerty: We're gonna have one hell of a post battle celebration aren't we?
Shale: Disgusting
A few dozen waves of darkspawn and a general later...
Shianni: You saved many lives here today, thank you. Please take this as a reward
Qwerty: A ring? Sorry but I'm already engaged
Shianni: What? But... we just... you cheated on your wife to be?
Qwerty: Only one of them, the other one was there
Shianni: You Shemlen are strange indeed. Not as bad as my pervy dwarf cousin though
Qwerty: Well I guess we'd better get to the Fort
Leliana: Indeed
Qwerty: I fort that was a good idea
Eamon: Wait! Wait!
Qwerty: What is it? Has something happened?
Eamon: Yes! They just released some new DLC! You MUST buy this! Look, item sets!
Qwerty: Why on Thedas would I buy this?
Eamon: It's DLC... pretty items... shiny!
Qwerty: But these will just appear out of thin air, where's the fun in that? Isn't there a quest to win them as a reward? A beast to kill to loot them from?
Eamon: Don't be silly, why would people pay money to have fun?
Qwerty: Tell me Eamon, do you recognise this?
Eamon: Oh dear... the toolset...
Qwerty: With this I can make my own item sets
Eamon: Yes but they won't be official
Qwerty: I can also kill off otherwise immortal NPCs
Eamon: Ah
Qwerty: Goodbye EAmon
Qwerty uses the toolset to decapitate Eamon. His head goes flying into the sky. Just as the Arch Demon prepares to return to the air, Eamon's head hits it squarely on the head and concusses the Arch Demon
Meanwhile, at the gates...
Gaspode: *bark*
Loghain: I don't understand!
Darkspawn run in
Loghain: What are our orders?
Gaspode: *bark*
Loghain: Damn it, I can't understand you!
Wynne: Oh for... darkspawn are attacking us, what do you THINK he wants us to do?
Loghain: Um...
Wynne: What the hell kind of mastermind war leader general are you?
Loghain: Alright, so maybe Anora really came up with all the plans and let me take credit...
Wynne: But you got your reputation before she was even born!
Loghain: Well Rowan came up with those plans but she talked in her sleep so I... borrowed them
Wynne: Queen Rowan... in her sleep? What are you implying?
Oghren: Oh for sods sake woman, you're as dense as he is! He was rutting her!
Ogre: Look, I don't want to interrupt but, we're here to fight. Could you please just get on with it?
Several waves of darkspawn later...
Zevran: Very good! And now for the celebratory massage...
Qwerty's party arrive at Fort Drakon and surprise surprise, it's full of Darkspawn. From far, far away they hear a loud scream carried by the wind...
Loghain: That is NOT how you give a massage!
Qwerty: This place looks familiar...
Leliana: Well you have been here before
Morrigan: And it looks just like every other building in the game
Qwerty: I'm going to miss this
Leliana: What, battling darkspawn? Criticising DA2?
Qwerty: No, this hurlock. I'm too busy laughing at Loghain it's interfering with my aim. Hey, where'd our army go?
Leliana: They won't come indoors apparently. See, we do criticise Origins a little too, to be fair
Qwerty: Hang on, where's all the darkspawn...?
Leliana: Holy Maker! They're all dead! Is that...
Qwerty: Sandal? Is that you? Did you do all this? How?
Sandal: Oh it's very simply really, I just opened up the console and typed runscript killallhostiles... um... I mean... Enchantment!
Qwerty: What an odd little fellow. Oh well, to the roof!
Leliana: Oh how funny, our armies can get to the roof now. How do they manage that without ever going indoors?
The Arch Demon roars at the party and spits a skull at them. It hits Qwerty and knocks him over
Alistair: Hello again!
Qwerty: Oh for... you're back again?
Alistair: Oh come on, you like me really. You must do. I'm funny!
The Arch Demon spits a ball of flame at them but Morrigan conjures up a wall of ice which melts but absorbs the flames
Qwerty: Cool spell
The Arch Demon roars and sends another fireball, this one blocked by Shale's body
Shale: Just don't expect me to block anything it fires out of the other end!
Qwerty: Elves! Stereotyping demands you all be archers, and probably gay too but we'll not get into that now, although the females among you can see Leliana afterwards, but getting back the stereotypically archeryness of you... shoot that bloody dragon!
Lanaya: I'll have you know some of us are mages instead of archers
Qwerty: Just shoot the damn thing would you?
Lanaya: Fine, fine. And to think I turned down an appearance in Mass Effect 2 DLC for this...
Waves upon waves of darkspawn attack the party and the Dalish as the Arch Demon keeps trying to hit them with fire
Morrigan: We can't keep this up forever!
Shale: Well why doesn't the swamp witch go and stop the dragon itself then?
Morrigan: In my condition? I'm with child!
Alistair: What? I thought you were just fat
Morrigan: What did you... do I really look fat?
Alistair: Well maybe not fat, but definitely chubby
Morrigan (crying): Chubby?!
Alistair: Wow, I can't believe I'm finally winning at this. I'm down to being just a disembodied skull but I finally beat Morrigan!
Leliana: This isn't the time! We need to focus and beat the Arch Demon, we have to use our heads!
Qwerty: Or at least, somebody's head...
Qwerty grabs Alistair and throws his skull at the Arch Demon
Alistair: Oh not agaaaaaaaaiiiiiiin
The Arch Demon is dazed from yet another headshot and Qwerty for some inexplicable reason throws down Maric's perfectly good magical glowy sword and picks up a plain and boring looking sword and charges into the Arch Demon slicing it open
Qwerty: This fight was beginning to drag-on too long!
Qwerty drives the sword into the Arch Demons skull, killing it
Varric: And then it was over. The battle was won, but at what cost? Well, actually there was no cost. The Grey Warden survived and married the Queen and the hot redhead bard. Lucky bastard.
Anora: As a reward and as an engagement present, I offer you a boon of your choice. If you're lucky it won't bug and will actually be acknowledged in the sequel
Qwerty: I'd like to go to Kirkwall and show Hawke how a REAL Champion gets things done!
Anora: Very well, Warden whom I shall continue to call Warden despite being my husband, but first you must complete Awakening and the DLCs
Qwerty: No worries, red-headed fan favourite is guaranteed
Anora: Indeed, and I too shall make an appearance. For now however your adoring public awaits. Plus you can have a last talk with your companions
Qwerty: Loghain, or should I call you "daddy"?
Loghain: Oh hells. I'm not sure what's worse, you marrying my daughter or my being sent to Orlais
Qwerty: Well I have a present for you anyway. I'd like you to carry it with you at all times
Loghain: It's a skull...
Alistair: Oh no... no no! You can't leave me with him!
Fergus: My brother! When I heard you were not only a Grey Warden but also the Hero of Ferelden, the king... bloody hell you've done good.
Qwerty: Fergus? You're alive? What happened to you?
Fergus: Well I... um, I was attacked and injured and taken care of by Chasind and I had... amnesia, yes amnesia that was it. Then I finally recovered, heard it was all over and came to meet you here
Qwerty: Really?
Fergus: In actual fact I fled Ostagar before the battle even began and headed to Denerim's Pearl. I drunkenly stumbled out meaning to go to the Chantry to beg forgiveness and more importantly for healing for my hangover and STDs but sadly in my inebriated condition I tripped and fell down the well. I later woke up with three corpses piled on top of me, I guess even though you didn't do that quest that somebody else did, and so I used them to climb out. I was spotted by Howe's guards, but they bravely ran away. I then began the long walk back to Ostagar to see if the battle was yet won, when I was ambushed by bandits. The bandits were then ambushed by darkspawn and I escaped, certain that my day could not possibly get any worse. I finally made my way to Ostagar only to find it overrun with Darkspawn, so I fled into the Wilds where I was set upon by wolves. I was rescued by an elderly witch who healed me and had her way with me until I regained enough strength to escape. A group of Chasind found me wandering around the Wilds, still recovering from a concussion and the mental horror of playing sex slave to an old witch and they took pity upon me since I'd managed to learn their complicated sign language just by quickly skimming through a book that mentioned them
Qwerty: Must be a family talent
Fergus: They nursed me back into health and decided to sell me back to the witch only to find that she'd vanished, leaving no clue except a great big dragon corpse behind. I then blindfolded myself, hoping that if I couldn't see them then they couldn't see me and I ran away. The Chasind were too busy laughing to give chase. Having stolen some money from the Chasind, I decided to return to the Pearl, only to stumble into Denerim during a celebration in your honour. But I figured I'd try to get away with a less embarrassing version of events only you didn't believe me
Qwerty: Well at least you had fun. Hi Shale
Shale: So it survived after all, of course I shouldn't be surprised since I was there to witness it kill the Arch Demon... perhaps it is not so hopelessly squishy after all
Qwerty: Flesh has some advantages
Shale: Indeed. With all of its sexual conquests it has reminded me of some of the advantages of flesh, and I have decided to become flesh again
Qwerty: You can do that?
Shale: Wynne has offered to accompany me to Tevinter. She says she will blow up all their chantrys until they promise to help me
Wynne: Indeed, it will be quite an adventure.
Qwerty: Well, have fun with that
Leliana: So here we are, the conquering hero has won the day and now he takes his bow and exits the stage. A fine ending
Qwerty: Just as long as the hero gets the girls
Leliana: Of course my love. Who I also hate. Rivalry romance remember
Zevran: Speaking of romance, I wonder have you perhaps considered being bisexual yourself yet?
Qwerty: Persistent aren't you?
Zevran: Indeed I am. But alas I see you are not interested. But the dwarf will soon be too drunk to tell my gender so the night shall not be spent alone
Oghren: The beer is good. Orzammar ale tastes like dirt in comparison. Probably because they put dirt in it. Maybe that's why my mind is so full of dirty thoughts...
Sten: No
Qwerty: Yes
Sten: No
Qwerty: Yes
Sten: Fine, you win. This is a greater victory than defeating the Blight. Treasure it
Qwerty: oh......kay
Sten: I'm going home
Qwerty: Have a nice trip then...
Sten: Where is the cake, they said...
Qwerty: Oh not again
Varric: And they all lived happily ever after
Cassandra: You tell the most wonderful bedtime stories darling
Cassandra leans over and blows out the candle
The End.... for nowPart 36
Modifié par rayvioletta, 23 mai 2011 - 12:02 .
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on the song. 
