li009 wrote...
>Hi Krissy, i have just finished reading The Wedding. I will try to give you some of my opinions. Bare with me please.
I'll remind you that i did not read the 2 parts prior to The Wedding, so perhaps i fail to see the bigger picture.<
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read The Wedding and for giving me your feedback. I really appreciate it! I hope you read my first two stories, as I would really like your honest opinion about them.
>1st of all, it seems to me that the main idea of the story is to show how the Warden is adjusting to her new life, in the Aftermath of the Blight, how she deals with being a Queen, which is roughly a 180 turn from being a Grey Warden on the run. She also learns how to live with the man she loves, who is King.<
The story I am working on now, will show more of how she struggles to adjust as she trys to balance her Grey Warden duties with her Queen duties.
>This is no regular relationship, for Alistair's Duties would (idealy) come 1st, and her needs would always come 2nd. to make it more complicated, as a Queen, she has some duties of her own.<
Valid point. I still haven't decided just how involved I want her to become as queen....
> I assume that Alistair is "Hardened". It is obvious for me that the main Protagonist in this story is the Warden, still, Alistair takes a big role here. After all, you tried to show how the couple adjusts to eachother.<
Actually, Alistair wasn't "Hardened" on this particular playthrough-with this particular Warden (Arianna). In fact I never realized that he could be "Hardened" until a few weeks ago, when I did my 15th playthrough with my Warden Tempest- and I she ended up marrying Alistair and keeping Zevran on the side! ( I'm in the midst of writing Tempest's story as well).
>Yet i think that a big part of what makes Alistair special was not shown enough; his wit, charm, and humor, for me, was missing. At least early on.
If you could have shown us how he changes over time , from an "insecure clown king" (exaggaration ofc) to "tough love Alistair, leads by example", with examples how he used to be, i think it would have made more sense, at least for me.<
Again... more valid points. I guess I should have addressed his growing transformation more in this particular story...after all he had only been king for about six months, so I'm sure "old Alistair" would emerge more often than not. I'll have to work on this....
>At the scene with the Warden and guard, you can make him stutter, sweat often. He needs to confornt his beloved, and a guard in a morally complex situation, whose to blame? the guard or the Warden? as far as i see it, fresh king Alistair would struggle dealing with the situation "smoothly".
Yes, he mutters to himself, yes he cries for the Makers help, still, i want to see him struggle more often, perhaps visually?<
I don't know what it is, but I have been having some trouble portraying Alistair in the way that I want to... I'm working on this as well. That and the whole visual aspect.... I tend to focus more on the characters emotions, rather than on actual actions- which isn't a very good thing to do. I am doing better with the whole visual aspect of the story in my third installment.
>How can i do it without ruining for others... when the Warden uses her Dagger to get her "payback", why she didnt interrogate the man? it was obvious there is something sinister behind the whole incident, i bet she would want to know who was behind it, whose to blame, even if its not the main plot of the story.<
Yes... you are correct. I took the lazy way out on that scene. I have the hardest time writing about combat/battle scenes and simply decided to have her be too injured to do much of anything. That whole abduction sub-plot was a bit of an after thought, to tell you the truth.
>as whole, the Warden seems really confused as for what she wants. A Queen? a warrior? a warrior queen? the way she behaves it seems that she wants to deal with the problem with thought, more than action (a la the Guard incident).After all, she stays within the palace, and tries to to think it through, perhaps she couldnt afford the time for action (in finding the balance she seeks), she has a wedding to prepare and attend!
I'd like to see her , as well, struggles more. Let her deal with her "inner demons". let her have more doubts, ask herself more hard questions. It seems that she is acting against her own "free spirit" nature. She isnt Anora, and even if she was like her while being at castle highever, the Blight changed it drastically.<
More valid points that will be addressed in coming stories (hopefully!) .
>I'd like to know what brought her and Alistair together (perhaps you could have put some flashbacks?) was it circumstance? desperation for someone to bond with before they are going to their doom? or was it "the English Patient Syndrome", in which she tried subconciously nurture Alistair back into Manhood.<
Hmm...you know, I never even thought about using flashbacks. Good idea!
>I want the hardest, dirtiest questions to come up, i want to see her frustration comes from within, and not always triggered by interaction with Alistair.<
Yet another thing to work on... point taken.
>Now for the certain elf, i liked the way you presented him. It served his Character well.
Still, it was hard for me to imagine him beating a certain man in front of the Warden.<
Thank you. I know I strayed some from how he is portrayed in DA:O... but this is my take on Zevran, so I took liberties.
>The beating was a warning, it had a purpose, and i think it would have been better presented if the Elf came to the man while the two were alone.<
I guess that was a bit much... but then Zevran has always been a little over-the -top for me...at least this is how I imagine him to be.
>Imagine this: the Elf sneaks in the middle of the night while tha man is asleep, wakes him up , grabs him by the hair and tells him, even whispers in cold rage: "i know that you kept it from her, you risked everything that I...the we love. never let this happen again or believe me, i will kiil you."
This scene seems to me intimate between the two of them.<
Yup.. that would have worked as well. :-)
>Now for the Wedding, i thought it to be more appropriate if it took a week or mroe to re-arrange it.
Let the two of them to be even more distant, let the emotions and doubts sink in.
Maybe make them not to talk with each other for a day or two, not as a result of a fight, because they had an unspoken agreement, just let them look at each other while they pass the hall, lustful looks? disappointed looks? angry looks?
As far as i see it, emotional storm is not necessarily compressed into 2-3 days. let them be happy together for a day, then angry for 4 more.<
Hmm... I'll have to take a look at the timeline again... I thought I had it so the story took place over an entire week before the wedding...
>Erotic scenes, i think you captured it very well, how they ache for eachother, yet they cannot allow themselves to fully let their emotions take control, the longer they hold it, the harder it is to resist. Well done.<
Thank you. I appreciated that.
>If the interaction between the Warden and Alistair took longer (more days for it to develop) , i think the jealousy of Alistair regarding a certain man in her life would have a bigger impact. Like i said, let it really eat him from inside. After the balcony scene, i want him to suffer, to lose his mind. He may be "hardened", but the core of the man is still fragile (you already presented it that way, yet i want to see him more the man he used to be. more human and insecure. not just by him claiming to be so, i want to see it).<
Yet more work.... I may have to rewrite this whole story! :-)
>I'll say it again, as a 1st time reader, i think flashbacks are always good. It enriches the the past relationships which you wanted to show us, and it deepens the conflict by giving the reader more background.
"For example, after the balcony scene, let the Warden have a flashback of her having some sensual/erotic with the elf. Let her recall how he knew exactly where to touch her to make her shiver,and maybe let her follow and touch the same places which he used to touch her, and make her smile in delight while doing so- all implying how good it was and how she misses it."<
Point taken with the flashbacks.... I happen to like those too, so I'm not sure why it never occured to me to use them!
>I really liked how you wrote Oghren, really, spot on, gave me a good laugh.<
I love that dwarf! I always laugh myself when I write about him. :-)
Im sure i have many more things to suggest and to praise, but for now we will settle for this. i might give the prequels a read as well.
Overall, i like the direction you took with the narrative, and i enjoyed reading it. i hope you would manage to read it through!
Looking forward to more.
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