Tyranniac wrote...
Anybody have any feedback to offer on the log aside from spelling errors? (I think I've taken care of most of them now... 
)
I was trying to decide whether to be tactful or honest. So I settled on honesty: personally I think the style is good but it feels a little "clinical" rather than a personal log. Please don't take offence it’s just that it seems to focus quite a lot on this happened and then this happened and this is whats going on rather than being personal.
I was actually thinking a while back of writing something like that myself and gave a lot of thought to the subject so I’ve thrown together a first entry for my own Shepard as an example of what I mean, though I lost my initial notes so its not quite as I planned originally (sorry about the huge post guys).
Systems alliance personal files: Naomi Shepard
Rank: Commander
Assignment: SSV Normandy
Role: Executive Officer
Entry 1:
I don’t normally like to keep these things but I was chatting with the marines over a card game last night and Lieutenant Alenko was saying about how he started a log last week to help him wind down at the end of the day. I thought I’d give it a go myself, might help clear my head.
Anyway, here we are. New ship, seems to be pretty good but I guess that’s what this shakedown run is to find out for certain. Different design from most alliance vessels but that’s to be expected with the turian influence. Anderson is commanding, he’s a damn good officer so with him here I know we’re all in good hands.
Speaking of turians we got one of them on board as well. Nihlus…pretty scary guy if I’m being honest. Hasn’t spoke much but I from what I’ve been told he’s one of those Spectre agents. He wants to see me and Anderson before we reach Eden Prime. I should probably go see what he wants. Signing off.
Entry 2:
Damn it! Damn it to hell!
I knew things couldn’t be as straightforward as they seemed with a Spectre on board but I didn’t expect things to go that badly. Can’t say I’m all that happy being lied to, this was no simple shakedown. Nihlus wasn’t here to “oversee”, he was here to give us our real mission; grabbing some damn stupid prothean artefact from Eden. Not only that but he suddenly springs it on me that he’s there to supervise me, apparently someone thought it would a good idea to put me forward to be a Spectre.
The mission was a disaster from start to finish. I don’t even know what happened, it all passed by in a blur. One minute we get a distress call from Eden, the next me and my squad are being swarmed by geth. We lost Jenkins right away, can’t believe it. Poor guy but at least he got more than most marines do: he died on the planet of his birth. Most of the colonists and defence forces dead as well. Not to mention Nihlus; got himself killed by some other turian Spectre named Saren. Don’t know what’s his problem but it looks like he’s behind all of this.
Things got even worse when we got to the beacon itself. Not only did Saren try to blow the damn thing up before escaping but then we somehow managed to activate it. I managed to stop Alenko being pulled in but of course that meant it got me instead. I only remember bits of what happened next. Alenko told me it lifted me up in the air. I don’t know about that but I do remember the images, terrible images. I couldn’t really make much of it out but there was this overall impression of fear…sorrow…anger…a whole mix of things. Then a sudden flash and the next thing I know I’m in medical with the doc. Some sort of vision according to her, caused by it screwing with my brain.
Anyway, we’re heading back to the Citadel. The Council needs to know about Saren. They can’t have one of their independent agents running around attacking people with geth. They’re going to have to do something about him. Can't say I envy whoever gets that job.
Actually that was pretty fun to write. I'd consider continuing it if not for the fact that you're doing one.
Edit: Stupid copy/paste formatting...fixed.
Modifié par The Lightspeaker, 25 mars 2012 - 10:46 .
Shep dies alone, I guess...
Retour en haut
Im for it.
, Samara will be the godmother of my Shep's blue children 
:P
