@Skullheart: overall, pretty good!
Notes:
Provided Jack is alive, the initial mission would probably be better coming from her (regardless of whether the tip to her comes from Miranda or not). She contacts Shepard, explains this double agent thing (It’s a little iffy that this would happen—the Alliance is probably
really careful with the biotic youth—and that they wouldn’t get indoctrinated, but I suppose that could be overlooked.) Miranda can research the location etc.
This’d probably be better if you could put a mission inbetween Sanctuary and it, so that there’s time to do the research. Alternatively, it could be done before Sanctuary altogether (just explain that either Ori’s trail is completely cold and Miranda can spare some time, or don’t worry about that part.)
Not a huge fan of gasping dying words, but OK.
What turrets?
If the mentor is indoctrinated, he’s indoctrinated…don’t slip out from it. There’s no need to strain credibility with exposition that’s (more or less) obvious anyway.
If you don’t have anything useful you really want TIM to say, don‘t need him to appear. Alternatively, come up with something useful. For a change, could also be Miranda/Shepard calling
to TIM, going nyah. Or whatever. The thought of a holo just appearing with “curses, foiled again” seems a little cartoony.
Jack and Miranda making good is unnecessary. The more circumspectly any thawing in the relationship can be expressed, the better.
The crowd in this thread is awfully opposed to ‘real romance scenes’ so you’ll probably just want to do a fade to black.

Edit: since the chances of this particular storyline getting into a DLC are pretty low, you should/could write it out as a short fic.
Modifié par lillitheris, 13 août 2012 - 06:17 .