https://www.fanficti...y-The-Final-Act
Chapter 30 is up! Enjoy!
https://www.fanficti...y-The-Final-Act
Chapter 30 is up! Enjoy!
This particular chapter at least doesn't read as being Ashley-specific. Kudos for 'publishing'.
My honest opinion:
'looking at Ashley before looking down at the panel in front of him' -- the panel doesn't help you if you're trying to say that Shepard knew better than to engage eye contact with Ashley right now.
I don't get what was the point of that bickering sequence about Shepard not wanting Liara to go (on Thessia??? to 'protect' her? what is he, her babysitter?)
or Ashley, for that matter, she's a specter, a smart soldier, why do you have her counterproductively questioning Shepard's decision?
You make Shepard as quite a crappy commander actually: why does he shoot at a harvester, only to have it start firing at them, hindering their progress? And he ends up pinned down, so Liara has to come back, not to shoot at the harvester, but... grab Shepard's hand and pull him?
The 'combat' sequences are a tad awkward. Try to describe them from within, e.g. instead of just throwing a shockwave that slowed down the banshee, how about 'that staggered it for some precious few seconds of breathing room'?
All in all, I felt like I was reading something that is happening on a screen. A book is not a movie; I wanted to *feel* the characters' situation more.