LanceSolous13 wrote...
What lines were off? Just out of curiosirty?
I'm still not sure if the scalding tea works or not. There is a nagging in the back of my mind suggesting it would make Kepral's worse.
I'll quote a few of the lines:
“I want to live for him but there is no point in that if the galaxy is consumed by the Reapers. I wish to continue removing what wickedness I can from here. Kolyat will be fine her on the Citadel. Since we stopped him from following my path up the mountain, He has become attracted to a helping the needy here on the Citadel. I have helped him find a shelter run by a religious order where he shall be safe during our journey.”
There is nothing wrong with what you wrote, but the voice and choice in vocabulary is not quite to his cadence or use.
I will have to re-attain the disease for it to begin taking a toll on me. My body will no longer move after five to seven years from now. By then, I will expect the Hanar or someone else will have created a cure to the illness if the Reapers have not won by then.”
Same issues as the previous quotation. Also, the "re-attain" comment may need to be reexamined. I understand what you are trying to demonstrate here, but another choice of word might be better used.
I was surprised to find she didn’t confuse Kepral’s Syndrome as an issue with Oxygen not forming properly in the lungs as many doctors confuse I for. She recommended myself as a lung transplant patient as to extent my life span. At the time, I was accepting of my death.”Sorry this is out of order, but I felt that the real trouble with these sentences were with the content, not the voice. You may want to bug Moira and Beannie about this subject. If you have never read their Medical Essays, I would highly recommend them. Also, the bolded part seems to be a typo.
As for the
scalding tea, I actually really like this. Since Kepral's in ME2 was based on bacterial infections (and potentially secondary bacteria/viruses infections) it would make sense that something scalding would be theraputic. Hot tea is not uncommon for people to drink when they suffer from colds/flu, where their throat or lungs feel compromised
