CrutchCricket wrote...
Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Just a bit more info (which will hopefully address some points):
These shorts (yes there will be more) are intended as quick encounters, not a lot of backstory or setup (I tend to get lost in those sometimes) and are designed to quickly grab you and take you through the action. Hopefully this doesn't skimp on character development or themes. Like I said just this one alone has given me plenty of ideas on Kasumi and her relationship with Shepard. I'm hardpressed to describe it further because I don't know if it has a name. Think of the Animatrix- that's pretty much what I'm going for, short stories, perhaps with varying styles that just explore the world of Shepard-Kasumi.
They're also meant to be timeless, or not fixed to any point (i.e. during the games, or after). They can happen at any point (with the only limit being after Stolen Memory obviously).Whether they will be fixed in some grander tale, I don't know yet.
The indirect style, I'm still working out. Basically I don't want to just dive in Kasumi's (or Shepard's) head first-person style just yet (or follow them directly in third person). I can do Shepard as he is partly my own creation but I don't feel I know Kasumi well enough yet. I'm hoping these random shorts and whatever new info ME3 will provide will be enough to pin down her character so I can do it justice. As such the viewpoints will be from around the edges and hopefully I can get closer.
Owl, in regards to your specific points, a lot of what you say was intentional though I suspect it may have backfired. I thought a witness that had gone through such a traumatic experience (and is suggested to have psychological damage) would be a little loose in how he told the story. That's also why the grammar's lax, with odd changing tenses and whatnot and also why the picture wasn't completely painted. I wanted to add authenticity (make it feel like a real testimony of a scarred man as opposed to a perfect story) but perhaps I lost cohesion. I can't excuse myself fully though, I did rush a little (especially when I failed to deliver on time) and didn't do research on military (or police reports)
Now...all that being said, expect something new by the weekend!
Oh I agree completely with you, the victim does need to be sporadic and not quite coherent in his replies,...in that regard I say go for it....:happy:....play it up not down...

....it wasn't that I was referring to. Sorry, I am really lousy at finding the right words sometimes Cricket, which is pretty ironic since I am a writer also (Childrens stories...Aesops Fabilish in feel....Aussie publishers want me to make too many changes...too American apparently (American animals used)...before they will publish me though, I won't do that....so oh well.
But back to the point....I guess what I was trying tosay was the flow just wasn't all the way there...does that make sense?...Though I would like to re-state I really do like the story and was left wanting more....Please continue...