first off be reminded that ...
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It is BioWare's policy that you DO NOT moddify our games. We are not
responsible for any changes you make to our games and how they may or
may not correctly work with future DLC or sequels.
And I know, I hear you say "Priestly, I only moddified the X" or "I only changed the
Y, so that cannot hurt anything" or similar.
THAT DOES NOT MATTER. Anytime you start mucking around in the game and
moddifying, adding credits, changing appearances, altering anything it
MAY have an unexpected effect on future Mass Effect content.
You are welcome to do any modding you so choose, but you do it at your OWN RISK.
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I won't delve into details of how to activate the console or change the gender flag, you can easily find that information on the net e.g. on the Mass Effect Wikia
Because it would complicate things unnecessarily I'll just describe the way of how to be able to romance Kaidan as a male Shepard, if you prefer to romance Ashley with a femShep you pretty much just do the opposite
alright, as you're probably aware starting the game as a female Shepard, then chaning the gender flag will basically give you the look and voice of male Shepard, while the game still 'thinks' you're female and Shepard is addressed as such (Harkin's dialog with 'Princess' Shepard is priceless). The only problem is that Shepard still turns into a woman when you fly to Ilos and that it only works with Sheploo. There is another way to do so, but after reading the description I felt it was a bit too intrusive and I was afraid it would affect importing. Speaking of which, I have no clue if you can continue as a 'transgendered' Shepard in ME3 ...
What you would normally do to get the s/s romance with default Shepard
1. Start the game as a default female Shepard
2. activate the console and change the gender flag to 0
3. save and load that game
4 marvel Ms. Sheploo
I did that, but when I tried to start an NG+ with him, lo and behold it was Ashley who was saved from the beacon (I should have been suspicous when they referred to 'him' during the intro though), but it made me think that the game refers to whatever the gender flag is set to and I did some tests and came up with this:
What you do to get the s/s romance with custom Shepard
1. Start game as a male Shepard, customize his looks
2. play through the game
3. not exactly sure what the last possible point for this is, but I did it around the last time you can save, before you activate the console in the Council Chambers: activate the console and change the gender flag to 1
4. save, but do NOT load the game (in the other method you do that to get the male Shepard look as soon as possible, but if you load the game you get the female body with the custom male face)
5. defeat Saren, in the scene that follows with the Council, Udina and Anderson or just Udina and Anderson Shepard will have that odd look with the female body and custom male head anyway.
6. Start a new game and choose your existing carrier
7. Suffer through the intro with your mutant Shepard
8. as soon as possible activate the console and change the gender flag to 0
9. save and load
10. marvel at custom Mrs mShep
it may sound like alot, but basically if you already have a Shepard whose looks you like, just load the last save of the game (which for me usually is in the ruined Council chambers) and go from there. Then it's just changing the gender flag at the end of the game, finish, start NG+, change gender flag again et voilà.
during the romance scene, custom male Shep will technically turn into the mutant Shepard again, but the way it is cut, you get the female body croaching on the bed where you don't see the head and then you get the scene where Kaidan gets on top (so much for serving under me <_< ) and there you also get your custom Shep's head ... it's not much, but I found it a nice touch to playing through with *my* Shepard
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