The set-up: News, back in DA:O, was delivered by someone behind the window of a house smack dab in the middle of the town's busiest district. This was this afternoon's news report:
"Good afternnon everyone,
We have a breaking news story for you all! Walter the Tower Guard was caught last night in the act of infiltrating chicken-coops of the town, brutally beating them to death with his rather slow wit and then replacing their lifeless bodies with adolescent Nugs, known most famously as the pink pig-bunnies with long, vicious and white furry hairs on their cuddly fluffy rabbit ears.
So far we have very little details on the story. We were able to speak with a few farm folk but unfortunately they had been struck dumb by the senseless crime. The most coherent statement we got from them may be interpreted as either: "Criminal today just have no sense anymore," or "Plum pudding is to sugar as oatmeal cookies are to a Templar loving Mage."
The Tower Guard Association for Protection of Tower Guards from Activities They Might Engage In as a Result of Stress Induced by Strenuous Tower Guarding Activity has not yet released a comment but we speculate the reason for this might be merely that their town crier has not yet been located after last night's theme party thrown by the Mayor. Reports are that the theme was "Alcoholics Gone Wild." While we await a statement, we have put together a timeline of last night's events as they may have occurred.
=> 8 at night - The party starts.
=> Sometime after 8 - Most of the guests arrive, including Walter the Tower Guard who arrives after the Count of Counting and before the Grim Statue, also known to the town as a retired Desire Demon who wished to give up a life of offering fools their desires in exchange for a simpler existence as a statue in the town courthouse, which doubles as the town brothel at night due to lack of real estate expansion opportunities.
=> Soon after the striking of 10 - The nights games are announced by the Town Crier. Games included: "Templars vs. Mages"... we hear the mage side lost, as usual; "Is That A Blight In Your Pocket?" Where courtesans try to guess which man has a banana in his pocket and which doesn't (despite cries of protests from onlookers that the game was unfair as the courtesans are intimately familiar with the players); and "Grog" for which the rules had been lost in the last Blight invasion and as such is often played with the rules being made up on the spot resulting in no two games of Grog ever being the same or making any sense for that matter.
=> Midway through Grog - The rules have become so strangely convoluted that everyone decides that, according to the rules, the front door of the inn is the clear winner and then proceeds to continue drinking.
=> Unknown time (the bell striker had joined the party by this time) - The party continues while some people leave. Walter the Tower Guard is seen heading out the door by some people. Others remember him trying to sing the Macarena. Still others remember him doing his party trick by the window.
=> Time at which Walter was caught in the act - Walter was caught in the act.
One moment.... this just in: a statement has been released. We now look across the street to hear what the Town Crier has to say.
"Hear ye, hea ye, Ye hear? By the Chantry's ear, in this year of our Maker, here is what the Tower Guards have to say: "Damn it Walter what did you do?! Have you no sense man! You cream-puff addled adult, how can we defend you this...... oh Town Crier, hello. Our statement, you say? Yes, absolutely. Ahem.... Fine folk and other magical creatures of the realm. We at the Tower Guard Association for Protection of Tower Guards from Activities They Might Engage In as a Result of Stress Induced by Strenuous Tower Guarding Activity, or TGAPTGATMEIRSISTGA, would like everyone to know that Walter has been given a stern talking to and that such an incident will not happen for at least a period of three to three-and-a-bit fortnights. Tower Guard Walter, responsible for important duties such as Guarding the Tower, Tower Guarding, Guarding With Extreme Prejudice, Politically Correct Guarding and Sometimes-Guarding-Without-a-Working-Oil-Lamp-While-It-Is-Raining-And-The-Tower-Makes-Strange-Noises, which many of you might recall was responsible for other strange behaviors in this dangerous job, has been under a tremendous amount of stress about the role he will play in the upcoming siege as foretold by our Seer of the Tower Who Is Blind Except When Counting Money. Walter will make reparations by not only going about his duties with even more care but by also imposing on himself the duty to teach those nug-infested chicken coops how to properly cuddle a nug. Furthermore, he has been banned from attending any fancy dress, silly hat, or dooltish costume parties. Serious Theme parties are still okay so do not be concerned if you see him there. That is all."
Well there you have it ladies and magical folk. Keep watching this window for further updates on this story as well as other things of importance to your local community such as our special report on how fast corn grows where we will watch corn grow right before your eyes. It should be more exciting than out last report, "Watch Grass Grow!" Thank you and good afternoon."
Edit: Edited for clarity... of sorts.
Modifié par The Vile Mr Dark, 01 novembre 2009 - 07:23 .
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