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[CovertMcAnonymous]

 Once upon a time, there was a delightful thread down in the ME1&2 section dedicated to inventing your own ME2 banter between Mass Effect characters.


Now, that's long dead and gone, of course, but it's never too early to start fresh on ME3. And really, the BSN needs more entertaining posts that aren't ban-worthy to tide us over these last couple months.



I'm lazy, so here's the bit that jogged my memory of that lovely old thread.

CovertMcAnonymous wrote...

rolson00 wrote...

Chris Priestly wrote...

Generic British Resistance Fighter #724



[smilie]http://social.bioware.com/images/forum/emoticons/devil.png[/smilie]

how come you used british? i think a russian guy would be cooler

"Two million dead in first day."

"Bunch more dead by Saturday, my friend Polvic tell me."


"All the turrets got blown to sh!t."

"We're running like gypsies."


*takes swig of vodka*


"Meeting somewheres. I dunno, they started shouting before they got to that part and transmission ended."

"My brother in Moscow called. A zombie creature bit off his nose. Heh heh. Sounds like snooty frenchman now."

"Yeah, so we're getting beaten worse than when Blov tried going to Kinkhammer. Heh hah!"


*butts intruding husk over the head with AR, whacks it with vodka jug to be safe*


"Dunno why they keep vandering in here, smells like p!ss..."


*epic music outside, Reapers landing*


"Damn. I cracked my jug."

"Where's that Shep... something hero bastard, huh?"


*Shepard watching from port observation, listening  via transmission to old comms unit beside Russian infantryman*


"EDI, change course to London."

"Already done, Commander."

"Thanks."

GO GO GO, BOREDOM EVERYWHERE!

Modifié par CovertMcAnonymous, 18 janvier 2012 - 09:35 .

[Tazzmission]

*jack* shepard we need to talk

*shepard* whats going on?*

*jack* sigh you been spending way to much time with james vega instead of me


*shepard* worried look on his face

*jack* did you two... you know?

*shepard* i got to go see garuss .... he needs me to do calibrations in the engine room

later in the engine room

*garuss* shepard not that i care but do you mind telling me why your hiding?*


*shepard* it's nothing just.... just... just keep quiet as he paces back and forth


*garuss* ( odd look) so i heard you and james are kind of close and word through the ship is you two had an interesting night...

*shepard* sigh... look it was nothing i was just curious thats all

*garuss* im confused shepard are you still interested in jack or are you you know...?

*shepard* i have to go

Modifié par Tazzmission, 18 janvier 2012 - 11:13 .

[CovertMcAnonymous]

Well played, Bored.



Oh, and before, if someone posted banter, they could request banter from someone else with vague specifications (IE these characters, this situation, etc.).

Modifié par CovertMcAnonymous, 18 janvier 2012 - 11:12 .

[CovertMcAnonymous]

"Now, Grunt, must be quiet here. Banshees have very sensitive hearing, subtle vibrations, senses enhanced by Reaper splicing and cybernetics, also biotics highly evolved. Can see well in the dark. Need to be very careful, would like to avoid *sniff* painful field research."

"Just open the door so I can shoot the Asari."

"No no no no no, not Asari, Banshees, synthetic-organic Reaper "husk" creation, no longer possess reasoning or melding capabilities of Asari. Electromagnetic scan shows none through door, however cannot say the same for door after. Stay sharp, and no shooting. Unless we are discovered."

"We've been hiding behind a door to an empty room?"

"No, not hiding, devising strategy for--"

*Grunt pounds the holograph and crashes through the door before it's even open, stomping steadily down a long, metallic corridor*

"Grunt, must cease noise immediately, Banshees likely have been disturbed, will be even harder to successfully sneak past them now! Step toe to heel, prolongues impact with floor, results in stealthier movem... Hm, blood stains on walls. Numerous. Scent of organic decay. Flesh."

"Smells like a fight."

"Grunt, here for Shepard. He came unprepared and without necessary small flashlight and night vision upgrades to weapons and armour, could be endangered. Or coating walls."

"My Battlemaster would put up more of a fight than this. There's not a dead Asari in sight. Now open the door, my blood's starting to heat."

"No longer Asari, Grunt, Banshees, and fight urge to start bloodrage, must maintain stealth, as veteran member of Shepard's squad you must know--"

"Open the door."

"First turn on Claymore flashlight attachment and night vision visor. Need to be--"

"They're Asari. They glow blue. Open. The. Door."

"Again, Grunt, not Asari, Banshees, crucial to understan--"

*Grunt kicks the door, denting it and caving it in partly*

"UUUUURDNOT..."

*door splits open with a second kick and Grunt smashes through*

"...GRUUUUUUNT!"

"Gods. Just ran in. Two-three-seven-nine Banshees. Implications *sniff* unpleasant. Not good odds, walls likely to get new coat of orange and green. Foolish Grunt, foolish Shepard..."

*whips out his pistol and calmly steps into the room*

Modifié par CovertMcAnonymous, 18 janvier 2012 - 11:47 .

[Tazzmission]

*joker* so edi have you given any thought of possibly being converted to a human ai form?

*edi* no i never thought of it jeff why do you ask?

*joker* oh no reason just making conversation and you seem really cool for a disembodied voice...

*edi* are you hitting on me jeff?

*joker* laughs and voice cracks with nerves.... what .. no i um anyways lets check the thrusters


*e.d.i* lets off a shine that means she is blushing

[CovertMcAnonymous]

^



"Shepard. You didn't say anything when I told you of findings concerning terminal sexually transmitted disease aboard Normandy, only carried by Varren. Scale Itch. In fact, just walked off. Reaction odd, do you have *sniffs, eyes narrow* information that should be shared?"


"I should go."


"No need, conclusion reached. Please report to Dr. Chakwas for treatment."


"Now, wait a minute, Mordin. I'm Commander of this ship, and I would never--"


"Also, feel free to keep scissors borrowed from my lab. Sanitizer will not remove all traces of disease without damaging tools, do not wish to risk it."



"...Alright. Bye, Mordin."



*later*



"Ah, Shepard, been meaning to speak with you since we returned from Tuchanka. Suicide mission highly stressful, different species react differently to anxiety. Noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Urz, wanted to suggest--"


"Mordin. You will never speak to me again unless spoken to or if lives are on the line."


"Understood, Shepard."


*quiet chuckling as Shepard walks out*


"Worth it."

Modifié par CovertMcAnonymous, 19 janvier 2012 - 12:13 .

[CovertMcAnonymous]

What am I, your writing mule? Short and dirty for you!



"So, uhh, Justicar, huh?"


"Yes."


"What does that all entail, anyways?"


"I live by the Code, and remove those that defy it from the Galaxy. It is a lifelong commitment, and one I do not regret."


"Must get pretty lonely out there. You're not allowed to have any, ah, friends?"


"I will not have sex with you, Jeff."


"Woah woah woah, slow down there, when did I say anything about-"


"You're still staring at my chest."


*Joker blinks, gets up, starts hobbling off*


"It's the armour. I love the... Design."


"Perversion is against the Code."


"Right! Thrusters need to be checked, no rest for the wicked and all... Not really wicked, just a saying, you know... Later, Samara!"


"Goodbye, Jeff."

Modifié par CovertMcAnonymous, 19 janvier 2012 - 12:24 .

[wannabuyanun]

Kaidan: Shepard. I....I just wanted to let you know.....
Shepard: (shoots Kaidan in the foot)
Kiadan: OH MY GOD! AAAAARRGGGHHHH! W-WHAT THE HELL SHEPARD!!!
Conrad: But Shepard. I was your special foot target!


Sorry. I just love that shoot in foot moment.

[CovertMcAnonymous]

It means a Volus.



They must get all sweaty and chafee under those little bubble suits.

[CovertMcAnonymous]

Thank you for that mental image. Indeed, Volball should be a Galactic sport.

[mauro2222]

Wrex: "Shepard"
Shepard: "Wrex"

Miranda: "Shepard"
Shepard: "Miranda"

Grunt: "Battlemaster"
Shepard: "Son"

[wannabuyanun]

"With sincere pleasantness: It's wonderful to see your face in the morning"

"Huh what? Who the hell-"

"Embarrassed reply: You got drunk in Chora's den and offered to share your bed. With unsurpassed lust: It was a most beautiful night"

"I....I think you should go."

"Heartbroken plea: I thought you loved me Shepard..."

[wannabuyanun]

Because Im bored wrote...

wannabuyanun wrote...

"With sincere pleasantness: It's wonderful to see your face in the morning"

"Huh what? Who the hell-"

"Embarrassed reply: You got drunk in Chora's den and offered to share your bed. With unsurpassed lust: It was a most beautiful night"

"I....I think you should go."

"Heartbroken plea: I thought you loved me Shepard..."

...............

one does question how it would....work.

[wannabuyanun]

New Volus crew member!!!!!!!


Shepard (breath) there's a (breath) ge-

````Critical mission failure```````

Geth (breath).....dammit (breath)

[Tazzmission]

*tim* i want you to get rid of commander shepard and his team


* kai ling holding knife* nods i will strike the commander and his crew wile there trying to fight off the reapers and when earths in ashes they have my permission to die.

*tim* leave no survivors and make sure you make them suffer a horrible fate

*kai ling* i promise you sir when i am done with them it'll make the destroyed normandy from the collectors look like childs play

* tim* get to it

* transmission ends*

[Aurora313]

*Just before landing on Tuchunka.*
James: Want to place bets on who'd win, Bones?
Garrus: Between whom? The Reaper and the Thresher?
James: Smart money's on the Thresher.
Garrus: Fine, 100 credits says the Thresher wins.
James: Nice. *Types something on ommi-tool.*
Garrus: Do you have a betting pool started or something?
James: ... maybe.
Garrus: Don't let Shepard find out. He'll -
Shepard: I already have.
James: Ho - Sh!t! I swear sir it's not what it -
Shepard: Starting a betting pool on the Thresher V Reaper fight?
James: Yeah...
Shepard: Why does no one tell me these things, I feel very left out. I think I'm gonna go cry in a corner, now.
Garrus: Well what's your bet Shepard?
Shepard: Draw.
James: Ok, interesting choice.
Shepard: No, I mean draw your weapons, we're bailing out.

[CovertMcAnonymous]

Aurora313 wrote...

*Just before landing on Tuchunka.*
James: Want to place bets on who'd win, Bones?
Garrus: Between whom? The Reaper and the Thresher?
James: Smart money's on the Thresher.
Garrus: Fine, 100 credits says the Thresher wins.
James: Nice. *Types something on ommi-tool.*
Garrus: Do you have a betting pool started or something?
James: ... maybe.
Garrus: Don't let Shepard find out. He'll -
Shepard: I already have.
James: Ho - Sh!t! I swear sir it's not what it -
Shepard: Starting a betting pool on the Thresher V Reaper fight?
James: Yeah...
Shepard: Why does no one tell me these things, I feel very left out. I think I'm gonna go cry in a corner, now.
Garrus: Well what's your bet Shepard?
Shepard: Draw.
James: Ok, interesting choice.
Shepard: No, I mean draw your weapons, we're bailing out.

Guten. Uber guten.

[Drone223]

Wrex: Shepard
Shepard: Wrex
Wrex: James
James: Wrex
Shepard: James
James: Shepard

[CovertMcAnonymous]

Drone223 wrote...

Wrex: Shepard
Shepard: Wrex
Wrex: James
James: Steak
Shepard: Meathead
James: Football

I keed, I keed.

[Yuqi]

Ashly: You know commander, I never would have guessed that you, prefer your own gender.
Femshep/Mshep: Are you worried God is going to throw me into the firey pits of hell, Ash? Take a look at any major city on earth"
Ashly: Point taken.

Modifié par Yuqi, 19 janvier 2012 - 03:32 .

[Aurora313]

Ashley: They just blew right past Pluto's defences.
Shepard: I'm not surprised...
Ashley: Then why do you look so perplexed.
Shepard: I was just wondering... did they ever sort out whether or not it's a planet or a dwarf planet?
Ashley: ... Actually, you know. They never really decided on it. I think it was made 'Dwarf planet' again last year, but - uh.
James: Doesn't matter now anyway.
Shepard: Come again?
James: The Reapers just blew up.
Ashley: What the...
Shepard: Really?
James: Surprised they bothered really.
Ashley: Damn...

*They all look in silence for a moment.*

Shepard: *shrugs* Boring planet anyway.

*James and Ash murmur in agreement.*

[CptData]

Garrus: Wrex.
Wrex: Garrus.
Garrus: Got rid of that bad attitude towards Turians?
Wrex: Depends on my mood. And the fact we're facing a glorious battle together helps too.
Garrus: Fine. Would you mind to tell Grunt to stop molesting the crew then?
Wrex: Whatever you want.
Sidonis: Get it off me! It's biting my leg off, AAAHHHHH !!!!
Garrus: Ah shut up, Sidonis. Better losing a leg than gaining a hole in the head.
Wrex: Let him go, Grunt.
Grunt: You know how to spoil my fun, Wrex.
Garrus: Medic!

[Tazzmission]

*ash* shepard what is this i hear you have been fooling around with that tramp miranda?

*shepard* i um well we were on our way through the omega 4 relay and well deep down i was afraid we wouldnt come back so i had a quickie.

*ash* where is she now?

*shepard* she's um .. in her office on deck 3

*ash* she's mine!

ash go's into mirandas office with shepard silently watching via camera from his cabin


*ash* miranda you dirty tramp shepard is mine!

*miranda* calm down ms. williams there's a chance we can fix this mess

after arguing and talking ash and miranda engage in a little one on one action

*shepard* edi send this footage to anderson he will get a hot kick out of it : smiles and watches live feed:

after the love romance


* dr chawkwas* conronts ash by the elevator so ms williams you and miranda were pretty busy in there... care to tell me what the loud noises were about?


*ash* no maa'm im good i just had to releave some stress and frustration.

Modifié par Tazzmission, 19 janvier 2012 - 08:29 .

[CptData]

This, Sir, is not appropriate.
(Although deep in my heart I support Ash/Miranda-friendliness O.o)

Joker: So, how does it feel?
Zaeed: Huh?
Joker: How does it feel to be an awesome merc & founder of the Blue Suns?
Zaeed: It feels great. Except you don't want to get a gun shoved in your face every single day. And dreaming the same dream for twenty years that shows you your ex partner blasting off half of your face. Besides that, it's great.
Joker: Sorry I was asking.
Zaeed: You've lot to learn, boy.
Joker: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Zaeed: So ... now back to my question: can you help me getting a date with Miranda?
Joker: What am I? This ship's date doctor or something? First Garrus wants a date with Tali, then Shepard wants to know how to deal with Ashley, Liara wants to get into Vega's pants and now you?! Why do you guys come to me?!
Zaeed: Now can you ask her or not, boy?
Joker: Yeah. You know the deal ... successful date means two beer crates, fine German Lager, no American beer please.
Zaeed: Deal.

[Tazzmission]

CptData wrote...

This, Sir, is not appropriate.
(Although deep in my heart I support Ash/Miranda-friendliness O.o)

thats as clean as i can think of honestly


if i were to use the term popping the heat sink id feel like im ripping someones creativity off

Modifié par Tazzmission, 19 janvier 2012 - 08:37 .