159 réponses à ce sujet

[gigliani60]

Fisterbear wrote...

Q: How do you stop a Vanguard from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Very good, sir, Very good

[Vubica]

Luxure wrote...

How do you get these ?

 
Think this is a RP thread mate, just keep calm and follow me trough the door, make sure you lock it behind you, we dont want them getting out into the world.

[known_hero]

To: Lena Starks(human adept)
From: Phantom

Swag!

Modifié par known_hero, 26 mai 2012 - 11:05 .

[superdevildude85]

Moonshadow_Dark wrote...

Luxure wrote...

How do you get these ?

From being awesome.

Haters gonna hate.

http://direcritic.fi...1/10/eq8ot4.jpg

[Invellous]

To: Hunter Unit: HK47(Geth Infiltrator)
From: Geth Hunter
Subject: 001000010111001!!!


001001000101000111000011100010110011100111001010101010000100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!111!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Hunter Unit: HK47(Geth Infiltrator)
From: PHantom

Yo Light Bulb Head I just reported you for Hacking! That is right. No one can shoot Mines out of no where. Seriously bro you think your slick! You are not Cyrax. You can not shoot %$#@ out of your chest. Enjoy your ban nub. Like you could one shot me. Get skill! Dumb Hacker probably running a Pent. 3 in that Light Bulb Head. Lawl


To: Phantom
From: Hunter Unit: Hk47(Geth Infiltrator)

This Platform's scanners detects water leaking from your eyes. This form of H2O is used as fuel to keep this Platform running at optimal levels.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Armand Shepard(Human Infiltrator
From: Cerberus Special Force - Executive Lee R. Jenkins

Who shoots a Harpoon? Honestly! Who do you think you are Captain Ahab? How does it go right through our Phantoms Barriers? How do you even carry that thing!?!?

Modifié par Invellous, 26 mai 2012 - 01:20 .

[Xx_Belzak_xX]

 To: WarGodKaizer (Human Male Engineer)
From: Banshee

www.youtube.com/watch

[ScumbagVince]

To: Legion CQC Variant (Infiltrator)
From: Harbinger

*FATAL ERROR*
*TEXT MESSAGE NOT AVAILABLE*
*PLAYING AUDIO RECORDING*

www.youtube.com/watch

*TRANSLATION AVAILABLE*

Stop shooting my minions with your little shotgun that you call a *Claymore*. Your cheap *Tactical Cloak* is even more annoying because my son Marauder Shields come crying to me every day about how some *Shotgun Infiltrator* didn't even give him the chance to shoot his shiny new Phaeston before his face got blown off and I had to piece him back together. I hope you die by my Thanix Cannon. This Message hurts you.


To: Harbinger
From: Legion CQC Variant (Infiltrator)

1000101010001010100101110101000001010101000001010000011110101111010101010101011110100000000.

*TRANSLATION*

Are you offended, male brethren? Because this unit is convinced that you are.

Modifié par ScumbagVince, 26 mai 2012 - 01:20 .

[JackGradus]

To: Jack Gradus (Alliance Fifth Fleet N7 Channel)
From: Phantom (Cerberus Personnel Private Channel)

My place, 20 minutes.  You bring the reach, I'll bring the flexibility.

I feel so... objectified, and yet... I feel compelled to go!

[TweedleDee66]

To: Bart Batarson (Batarian Soldier)
From: human reaper husk


Rar bla Raaarrg?
Rahhh blarhg raaahg aaagh aaaack aaaghhhg. Rlaaarg aaaaagh rrrruuugh. Raaahrblar ggguuug blaaahg! Guuughg blrah blooough goough….

[Someone With Mass]

To: Quarian I Met Over And Over (Infiltrator)

From: Cerberus Combat Engineer (Designated Nickname: Carl)

Why do you always have to hack and destroy my beautifully crafted turret? Do you know how long it takes to prepare that turret at 5 AM? A lot. I have to check the legs, the munition, the targeting systems and then I have to carry that thing on my back for hours. I'm visiting my doctor every week for chronic back problems as well as reduced fitness. Look, can we just walk away from each other? Otherwise, I have to contact my female friends from the Artemis squad to stab you while you're asleep. I'm just doing my job, as I believe that you're doing yours and I probably won't feel bad about the thought of you bleeding to death, as you have cause me just as much pain in a less life threatening manner.

With heartfelt goodbyes, Carl (Orion squad Bravo, team 4)

[Invellous]

To: Armand Shepard (Human Infiltrator)
From: Disgruntled Cannibal
Subject: Murgurgrrlgrrlll!

Murgurgrrlgrrlll!!! Eeeerahhhawggg!!!

*Initiating Translation*
*One Moment Please*
*Translating...*
*Translation Complete*

YOU HUMANS ARE A BLIGHT!

---

Reply
To: Disgruntled Cannibal
From: Armand Shepard (Human Infiltrator)

YOU!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Rhino-Nickname (Krogan Vanguard)
From: Hopeful Brute
Subject: GRRRRGGG

*Mixture of grunting, and growling*

*Initiating Translation*
*One Moment Please*
*Translating...*
*Translation Complete*

Papa?... If Papa, why you no hug me? Oh you make me laugh with flying Husk!

---

To: Hopeful Brute
From: Rhino-Nickname (Krogan Vanguard)
Subject: Just No.

There is this thing called the Genophage kid. Makes breeding a pain in the quad. So no. Heh thanks, it is better when they bounce after landing. For some reason that stupid Human Soldier yells 'home run' whenever I smack one of those Husk...things. Pretty annoying.

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To: Dino-Nickname (Turian Sentinel)
From: Hopeful Brute
Subject: GRRRGGG!!!

*Mixture of grunting, and growling*

*Initiating Translation*
*One Moment Please*
*Translating...*
*Translation Complete*

Papa?... If Papa why you zap me, and make me tingly with blue fuzzies?

---

To: Hopeful Brute
From: Dino-Nickname (Turian Sentinel)
Sibject: I don't think so.

Have you seen Palaven recently? Or even a Female Turian? I am guessing not. Due to recent events I have had to do my own personal 'calibration'....personally. Oh, and sorry about the whole zapping, and Wrap bit. Since we are Penpals now and all I will let you know I am allergic to giant flesh rending claws to the face. So I will make you a deal. No claws to my face, and I might zap your friends first. How does that sound?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Assault Trooper 
From: Zakannadar (Batarian Soldier)

YOU HUMANS ARE A BLIGHT!!!

Modifié par Invellous, 26 mai 2012 - 03:20 .

[Dracian]

To: Shiva'Ralan Vas Rannoch (Quarian Engineer)
From: Pyro Platform n°F56D8A16
Subject: Y U NO USE FIRE ???

Creator Shiva'Ralan,

This platform suggest you to stop using Cryo Blast and a Claymore. It is not fair to be one shot this way. Stick to the arc pistol and incineration.

BTW, since when do Quarian use Krogan weapons ?

Sincerely yours.

==========================================================================================
To: Mary Everblack (Human Sentinel)
From: ******** ************* (Cerberus Centurion)
Subject: Unfair battle.

Ms. Everblack,

I suggest you to stop using a Claymore with Throw, and stick to the classic Biotic Explosions you surely master. This is not a joke. Stop head-one-shot my fellow friends. Else, I'll report you to our APB (Almighty Phantom Batallion).

Sincerely yours.

==========================================================================================
To: Hellen Smith (Human Soldier)

From: Gatatog Garak (Brute)

Subject: MRRROAAAAAAAAAARGH.


KRGHKH MRPGGH HKGSQ GRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR !

[TRANSLATION : YOU STOLE MY CLAYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE !]

[holdenagincourt]

I ran all the way across Firebase Giant without Tactical Cloak just to revive this thread!

I want more hate mail pls

[ParthianShotX]

Wasted10Dollars wrote...

To Paco (STG infiltrator)
From Cerberus
Why you make so many puns? Our heads getting blown off not funny >

To Cerberus
From Paco

Don't lose your head

To Paco
From Cerberus

FUUUUUUUUUU

I love it.  I'd totally play with you.  If it's not punny, it's because you're dead.

[t3hTwinky]

To: Danka Buttnugs, Alliance Sentinel
From: [Sender Unknown]
Subject: last night

Danka,

I hope you remember me. We met last night, in the ruins on Thessia. I wore white. You wore pink and neon green armor.

Stopping you from retreiving those data packets seemed like the most impotant thing in the galaxy, but when I watched you stand up and look at me with your glowing red eyes, I saw everything I ever wanted.

I know we didn't get much chance to talk- I'm shy like that. When you detonated your tech armor, what could I have said? I was taken aback. Maybe I seemed cold or standoffish, and for that I'm sorry. It all happened so fast, my heart was skipping, all I could think to do was cartwheels.

You seemed a little frustrated. I get that. But a girl like me, I've been burned a lot. Do you see what I'm saying? I only raised my barriers because I was afraid of getting hurt.

I know this all must be very confusing- with the war, the reapers, the everything. I just need to tell you one thing:

I am super sorry that I shot you repeatedly and stabbed you through the chest with my sword.

Love,

Cerberus Phantom SN8311

P.S.

I heard they sent you to intensive care at Huerta Memorial - Good news! I'll be seeing you soon!

[chris2365]

OMG. can't breath. Awesome thread

[Adhok42]

To: Solana'Aylin@allianceN7.mil
From: Centurion #62537324
Subject: Quit hiding you yellow bellied Infiltrator ****!

I know you're somewhere out there you little ****! Your cloak can last forever!

You think you're so smart, cloaking like a cowardly snake and running off.

And don't think I know what happened to Steve! I know that was you who sabotaged his Turret making it gun him down as soon as he emplaced it. Jacobs couldn't sleep for a week when his Atlas crushed that Phantom. He's still in therpy! How about you stand up and face of like a real man instead of stealthing around sticking those sticky grenades to the back of someone letting them run up and blow up an entire group like some kind of suicide bomber. Those Guardians take weeks to train to be able to lift up those shields and you just backstab them like some kind of viper!

You're a digusting filthy alien who has to hide behind a suit because you know you're ugly. Who'd want to even look at your crack **** face anyway? You know what? Just stay hidden because I don't even wanna look at you! You ever show up here again on Firebase Giant I'm gonna pulp you! I'm gonna sneak up on you and mash that ugly mask of your into the guardrail until it's nothing but Reaper Mush and then toss your disgusting xeno body into the sand for the Thresher Maws!

--------------------------------------------------

To: Centurion #62537324
From: Solana'Aylin@allianceN7.mil
Subject: re:Quit hiding you yellow bellied Infiltrator ****!

Could you do me a favor and lean backwards just a LIIIIIIIIITTLE bit further?

Thanks in advance!

-Moonshine

[RTalon235]

To: Ethel - Alliance Engineer Corps
From: Cerberus Engineering Corps
Re: YOU SUCK

Yeah, thanks to you I have to have my melted turret peeled off my back. Again. Die slowly and painfully.

Sincerely,

CEC



To: Cerberus Engineering Corps
From: Ethel - Alliance Engineer Corps
Re: re: YOU SUCK

Perhaps investing in some rubber soled boots? *shrug* Oh, and speaking of backs, you won't recognize your mother the next time you see her. I got bored and shaved hers.

Sincerely,

Ethel

[t3hTwinky]

Salarian STG teams have recovered Cerberus communications.

---

To: All Cerberus Personnel
From: Cerberus HQ
Subject: Bounties, Persons of Interest


Any and all Cerberus combat personnel:

These individuals are hereby designated as Kill On Sight. Their dossiers are as follows-

John Strong
Alliance Infiltrator
10,000 credit reward

Carries 1 (one) Black Widow antimateriel rifle. Likes to yell, "Mama had a baby and his head popped off," before discharging weapon. Should he achieve a headshot, he repotedly continues, "Boing."


"Turtles"
Turian Sentinel
20,000 credit reward

Refuses to fire weapons at Nemesis sniper units, electing instead to hit them repeatedly, even when told to stop. Multiple reports indicate that "Turtles" does this whilst chanting, "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself," despite the fact that he himself is the one doing the hitting.


Gronk
Vorcha Sentinel
20,000 credit reward

Carries 1 (one) Reegar Carbine. Before discharging weapon, he reportedly asks, "When there's something strange, in the neighborhood, who you gonna call?" While discharging his weapon, he continues, "Ghostbusters."

Modifié par t3hTwinky, 12 juin 2012 - 02:30 .

[Luck 13]

To: Gabriel - Phoenix Adept
From: Cerberus Guardian #44374
Subject: Traitor!!!!

Why? Why would you betray cerberus like this? First you leave cerberus then join the alliance and when I saw you at Dagger you lashed Roger off the platform to his death. To add insult to injury you lashed Higgens our rookie trooper into a headbutt of death. But the final straw was taking Frank's shield then shooting his head off with the harrier you were issued. He had a wife and three kid what am I supposed to tell them now?

To: Cerberus Guardian #44374
From:Gabriel - Phoenix Adept
Subject: Re:Traitor!!!!

Sorry I wasn't paying attention between hearing the screams of your friends flying off the platform, telling your rookies to shut the hell up like a Krogan and shooting some guardian in the face things like that tend to make me laugh. Oh and by the way your buddy Frank was it? I have his gun as a trophy I think if I see you on the battlefield again I'm shoot some more of your buddies with it before I toss you off the platform too.

To: Gabriel - Phoenix Adept
From: Cerberus Guardian #44374
Subject: Re:Re:Traitor!!!!

You insensitive son of a ***ch I'll f**king kill you! You better hope I never see you or........
**transmission lost**

[xX 7heGuy Xx]

To: Subject M-22 (Krogan Soldier)
From: Cerberus trooper

Hey man i know we don't get along (based off you bludgeoning me with your face) but dude i just heard the Reapers said that they like fighting you because your as squishy as a Salarian!!! Just saying i wouldn't take that.


To: Cerberus Trooper
From: Subject M-22 (Krogan Soldier)

mY cl00sE Friend iS SALaran YoU PyjACK heH s3E YoU S0on hEH HeH heH


(Later that day)

Cerberus trooper " CAN I GO TO PALAVIN!!!"
Illusive man " Sure"
Cerberus trooper " REALLY?!?!?!"
Illusive man " No"
Cerberus Trooper  "@#$%@#$%$#"

[Kalas Magnus]

Amusing thread.

[MoeRayShep]

To: Human System Alliance Armory
From: Cerberus Armory
To whom it may concern:
It has come to our attention that you have been consistently offering your troops with piercing modules and penetrating ammunition.
We at Cerberus pride ourselves on creating tactically challenging squadrons to further our agenda of human dominance via being indoctrinated.
We request that you cease and desist the issue of this equipment to your personnel, as it renders our mobile Guardian units laughably pointless.
Thank you,
Cerberus Armory

[Finnegone]

To: Ribbit, Drell Adept
From: Lt. Dank Nethers, Atlas Operator
Subject: Dead and Loving It!

Dear Ribbit,

I think it's safe to assume that you have never attended the Cerberus Indoctrination Onboarding Training. Suffice to say, aside from a few rather awkward team building exercises and some hastily assembled sloganeering ("IndoctriGREATion!"), it wasn't particularly noteworthy, save for the part where TIM told all the new hires that we'd be unstoppable killing machines with access to the most advanced weaponry in the galaxy, courtesy of his apparently unlimited personal wealth, and all we'd need to do was endure some "jarring" exposure (an understatement, believe me) to reaper tech. I thought, no problem - I survived that ridiculous Hanar Spectre movie, I can do this.

In retrospect - while our benefits package was, it's fair to say, amongst the best in the galaxy - I probably should have turned back when the instructor asked us to all consent to name "Cerberus, LLC" as the recipient of our life insurance, but at that point I was pretty drunk. So whatever.

At any rate, here I was, newly indoctrinated, fresh as a puppy turd, ready for my new assignment on Thessia killing... reapers? Alliance? Ponies? I can't remember... and piloting my brand new, state of the art Atlas Mech, when we ran into your small team of Alliance misfits. Target practice. But there we went, wave after wave (why didn't we all just attack at once? You only think of these things after you've died). I was in the 8th wave. Or 9th - can't quite remember anymore. All I know is that you guys weren't doing some errand while still (embarrassingly, for me anyway) wiping the floor with us.

Speaking of wiping the floor with us - they never told us, either during our IndoctriGREATion Training or after, that our heads exploded. I mean, just blew right the f**k up, and that this would happen all the time. But I digresss.

Anyway, so I was riding (driving?) my atlas, cranking out the occasional missile and generally trying my best to wreak havoc, when you kung fu-ed into my field of vision, flipped your wrist (is that a gay thing? Can drell be gay? There's not much to do in the afterlife, so my thoughts are liable to wander) and shot my multi-million credit walking tank once - ONCE - with some crappy pistol, and you literally obliterated - I mean, no physical evidence whatsoever - my mech with me in it.

What the hell was that?

These things aren't protected from small arms fire?

I don't think I would have signed up for Atlas Operations Training (even though it did provide a ..35 credit / hour increase over normal wages, plus 5 hours OT) if I knew these friggin things were plated with aluminum foil.

Anyhoo, I'm gonna wrap this up. Suffice to say (I've said that already - oh well, I'm dead) there's not a whole lot to do here except write space mails to old acquaintances, loved ones, people who inexplicably destroyed your walking tank with a pistol, circa Rambo First Blood. But what I really wanted to say was - thank you! Indoctrination was stiflng. TIM never talked about the physical effects - head explostions, constipation - and, to be honest, I was never really sold on the whole "we're saving the human race by allying ourselves with an unknowable alien intelligence bent on our systematic genocide" thing anyway. I was just hoping to get indoctriLAID.

So thanks
Lt Dank Nethers

Modifié par Finnegone, 12 juin 2012 - 02:35 .

[JKTreb]

To: Victor (Human Vanguard)
From: Cerberus Human Resources Department
Subject: IMPORTANT, Regarding Employment Status

It has come to our attention that, after having turned in your two weeks notice, you did not return your standard issue Cerberus Stun Stick and Stasis Lash Forearm Armor units. In order to avoid legal actions against you, please return these proprietary, patented items to the nearest Cerberus armory facility.

Thank you in advance,
Cerberus Human Resources Division.

----------------------------------------

To: Cerberus Human Resources Division
From: Victor
Subject: Your stuff

I think I'll keep it, thanks all the same.

-------------------------------

To:Victor
From: Cerberus Human Resources Division
Subject: Re: Your stuff

We are sorry you feel that way. Your health insurance benefits have been revoked, and the Phantom Corps have been notified.

Good luck.
Cerberus Human Resources Division