164 réponses à ce sujet

[Doctalen]

I wonder if the one known as G-Magnum will show up

[Dominus]

I second the motion. He is not able to post...directly.

: but ey u cud ave em n spirit tbh

[The Love Runner]

Crusty, slip in a reference regarding when Councilor Udina tried to tax tea and a Thresher Maw ended up demolishing his residence. Lol.

Modifié par Galactic Runner, 28 février 2012 - 07:00 .

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

Bioware only needs Strength and Intelligence to survive ... oh, I forgot the caps!

[ObserverStatus]

more!

[Inquisitor Recon]

Brilliant!

[Godak]

This? This is what gods are made of: Fallout 2 and too much time.

[The Troll Who Lol-ed]

Nicely done.

[JeffZero]

OMG. I've spent all my time in the Spoiler Group and wasn't aware of this thread until now. I'm so sorry I didn't come by sooner.

This. Is. Amazing.

[JeffZero]

DominusVita wrote...

I second the motion. He is not able to post...directly.

: but ey u cud ave em n spirit tbh

*falls over laughing*

[The Love Runner]

Crusty, any word on the next installment?

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

Sorry about the delay, I pretty much had to rewrite entire portions of it thanks to my stupid laptop trackpad and my errant backspace key (which went to the previous page instead of correcting a spelling mistake - wiping out everything I had written out previously).

Glad to see this is getting quite a bit of views and positive comments. This Chapter is quite a bit longer than the first one, but hopefully it's worth the read!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Click here for the full Chapter Index!

The Story So Far:

Paragon, having been given instructions by Jessica Merizan to find the Infinity Engine Creation Kit leaves the BSN to carry out his task. He heads East, as directed by Ms Merizan and eventually he comes across the village of Obsidian where he would meet a man who could obtain the Infinity Engine Creation Kit, or so he thought.

: Obsidian: buggier than a plague of locusts.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 2:

We join our hero as he discovers the backwater otherwise known as Obsidian. He snorts in disdain at the shanty town: broken down games and flawed design ideas everywhere. He consoles himself with the knowledge that the harder he works in his search, the sooner he can return to his BioWarean utopia.

To that end, Paragon01 looks eagerly at the Obsidian notice board, hopeful that he'd find the information he'd need on the Infinity Engine Creation Kit.



: Hmm. "Old stuff". This might be what I'm looking for.



: "Jan-u-wine antee-cues"?! God, it's no wonder Obsidian sucks so badly - they don't know how to write! I wish Mac Walters were here, he'd show them what quality writing is all about!

Paragon, frustrated with the apparent illiteracy of Obsidian's writers, was in no mood to entertain fools or idiots. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for him, a kindly looking man walks up to him, as if in response to his emotions.

: Hi there, I haven't seen you around before. I'm Feargus Urquhart. It's my job to greet anyone new here and answer any questions they might have. Welcome to Obsidian!

: Uhh, thanks for the greeting. I'm just a traveller.

: Well stranger, since you're new to these parts, you probably don't know that it's customary to give a tip to our Kickstarter fund before I answer any questions and such. We might finally get Chris to work on Planescape 2 or Josh on an Icewind Dale 3.

: A tip huh? Here's a tip - stay away from BioWare's games for a while. You keep ruining them with your crappy, buggy sequels!

: But BioWare didn't make either Pla... you know what? Thanks for nothing. I hope you don't stay in town too long. We don't need your kind here. Humph. ****s -- they're all the same.

Our hero, finding no help in the homeless bum who was trying to ruin BioWare's legacy of Planet Escape: Tournament, wanders around town looking for something - anything - that could help him find Vic.

: Ughh, this is so difficult! If only someone told me where to go and marked it for me! In gold!

...



: "Vic's"! This must be it. Now I can finally ask where the Infinity Engine Creation Kit is.

Paragon knocks on the door. First softly, then more loudly as he realises that no one responds. Still receiving no reply, Paragon opens the door - it's unlocked - and quietly enters Vic's store.

: Hello? Vic? Is anyone here?



Scratching his head in confusion, our hero could only wonder where Vic was. As his search takes him all around the store, he notices that the door to the back room is locked tight.

: I might as well...

As Paragon reaches in to twist the doorknob, he's greeted by a mighty ZAP!



: Damn you, killap Obsidian! You can't even get a door to work properly! I hate this place!

Fuming, our hero storms away from Vic's store. His goal, Vic was nowhere to be found and all our hero had to show for his efforts were some cuts and bruises - to both his body and pride.

...

Taking a deep breath, Paragon decides to take a long break in order to calm his nerves. He acknowledges that he's not endearing himself to the Obsidian community nor is he advocating the great BioWare Cause in his current state.

: I have to hold my temper a bit. I have to be excellent, not excrement, to everyone.

...

As the hours and minutes passed, Paragon set to working on his Mass Effect 3 FanFiction in order to calm himself. He planned to present the work -- Mass Romance Effect: "The Reapers could Reap worlds, but they could not Reap Shepard's heart" -- to Ms Merizan after his accomplished his task.





...

Rested and recharged, he re-engages with the task at hand.

Our hero decides to converse with the simpletons of the Obsidian Forums; to see if he could gleam any useful information for him.





While most of the forumites weren't worth talking to and had no information regarding either Vic or the I.E.C.K, the e-credibility for helping out some of them proved to be too tempting. He agrees to find this so called "Smiley", a moderator, for one of the forumites who just couldn't live without him.

Paragon could empathise with the poor woman, he'd be grief-stricken if Jessica Merizan, or worse, if Chris Priestly were to go missing.

Having been given directions, our hero makes his way to leave the forum in search of this "Smiley", but as he does so, he catches a passing insult from one of the forumites.

"Hey Sulik look, another BioWare Tribal exiled from the BS Network, you can finally make a new friend! Hahahah!"

Paragon walks away sadly. "That comment would've never been tolerated back on the glorious BSN", he remarks to himself.

: I have to find that moderator soon. Maybe then some semblance of order can be found on this two-bit forum...

...



Our hero treads lightly as he enters the aptly named "Toxic Cave". The Obsidian forumites claimed that their moderator had dived into the caves head first to hunt spammers. He had wanted to bring back their pelts as trophies, so they said. Others had claimed that he had abandoned Obsidian entirely, his dreams of an isometric, turn-based classical RPG repeatedly crushed by the company.

In any case, Paragon knew that this place was dangerous and he knew that he had to be careful.

: I don't get the big deal about "turn based" RPGs to be honest. I know Knights of the Old Republic and Dragon Age: Origins are turn-based and they were pretty good since BioWare made them. But I like more EXTREME ACTION in my games, like Mass Effect or Dragon Age 2. The combat feels more visceral and immersive.

...

Making sure to take care, Paragon sidestepped most of the trolls and spammers in the cave. It wasn't easy - he wasn't used to avoiding trolls - but he was able to slip past them without much incident.

Before long, he would come to find "Smiley" the moderator.



: It's no surprise you're hurt. But what are you doing here?

: I always caught more spammers and trolls in certain subforums, so I wanted to know where they were coming from. I figured it might be this place. Wherever this is.

: Looks like you were right. Perhaps too right. Anyway, let's head back. I'm sure the Obsidian forumites would be happy to see you back.

: Lead the way.

And lead he did.

...

: Oh, by the way Smiley, I had a couple of questions that I might as well ask.

: Shoot.

: Would you happen to know where an Infinity Engine Creation Kit is, or perhaps where Vic is?

: Infinity Engine Creation Kit? I-I've never heard of it... but Vic, he's not in town? You might want to try the Den, then. That Den is a pit, it's evil. But it's also a place where we get some important trade from. So, if he's not around here, Vic is at The Den.

: I see. Well, thank you for that. You've certainly been more helpful than most of the people I've come across.

: *chuckles* I know what you mean. It's not just the forums. It's the devs too, man. You should see Torr, asking for help with bugs. I'm surprised he can program at all - he certainly has problems speaking English.

: Haha, yeah! Man Obsidian is s-

: Torr ought to move back to BioWare Austin. He's not doing us any favours at Obsidian with his shoddy programming and subpar intelligence.

: .........

...

Regrettably for Paragon, things did not improve for him once he arrived back on the forums.

The moment our hero returns, triumphant, he could already hear the jeers and taunts of the insolent Obsidian crowd. "Hey, Sulik! You're Tribal friend is back!" "Tribal, nice hard work out there, does your sweat taste like Tali's?" "Maybe you and Sulik can talk about your waifus together hahah!"

: If this were the BSN, such insulting language would earn a permanent ban, don't these haters know that posting jokes on the internet is a privilege?

Disappointed, but not surprised, Paragon ignores the idiots and walks directly towards the forumite who made the request in the first place. While he waits for Smiley to present himself, he spares a thought for Sulik, a fellow BSN member. One who certainly doesn't deserve all the crap he receives here.

Before long, the forumite rushes towards Paragon, ecstatic at the news.



: How about letting Sulik depart from this awful place? He could come with me or something.



: I think he'll be better off without you people, always making fun of him for being kicked out of the BSN. It's not right.

Ever the faithful BioWare fan, Paragon attempts to connect with this "Sulik" character, a fellow exile from the BSN. Thoughts and fantasies of a long enduring friendship flooded our hero's mind. Long discussions on which Mass Effect and Dragon Age characters would make the best wives or husbands in real life, talks on how to improve the Mass Effect 3 endings, and of course, blasting away Cerberus agents in Mass Effect 3's Co-Op Multiplayer.

Paragon could have what he always wanted for this heroic journey of his: a like-minded friend to share the experience with.

: Greetings, Sulik! You're no longer indebted to these troglodytes here at Obsidian. With you free of this place, would you like to come with me? I'm on my way to The Den and I'd be happy if you joined me.We could discuss in depth as to how one could survive having sex with Morinth...

Hopeful that Sulik was receptive to the idea, Paragon began planning out the trip to The Den in his head. Unfortunately for our hero, things were not to proceed as planned.

: Aye bro we n I dun lyk Morinth much tbh bt do u no wat Mirandas sweat taste lyk Grampy Blunt wnts to no hella bad tbh

--------------------| (End of Chapter 2)

Hope you enjoyed it!

Modifié par CrustyBot, 05 juillet 2012 - 11:37 .

[Doctalen]

You actually did it. You referenced G-mag. This is the best thing on BSN. Ugh, Now I am more anxious about the endings . Just a few more days. 

I got an idea for those who may come later or read it at a later time. You should link your posts in the OP for each chapter. So people can click on each one from the Op if they miss them instead of searching the pages. 

Modifié par Doctalen, 02 mars 2012 - 02:11 .

[Dominus]

A much improved chapter, Mr. Bot. I tip my wine glass to you, as I've no hat. Great references, the story is moving along nicely. I approve. I think you've found a winning formula, methinks.

dat gmag ref gittin me all cent a mental /tear tbh

[Jozape]

CrustyBot wrote...

Our hero, finding no help in the homeless bum who was trying to ruin BioWare's legacy of Planet Escape: Tournament

I don't get the big deal about "turn based" RPGs to be honest. I know Knights of the Old Republic and Dragon Age: Origins are turn-based and they were pretty good since BioWare made them. But I like more EXTREME ACTION in my games, like Mass Effect or Dragon Age 2. The combat feels more visceral and immersive.

Hahahaha, golden. This is so good, I might play a 'Paragon01' myself...

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

Doctalen wrote...

I got an idea for those who may come later or read it at a later time. You should link your posts in the OP for each chapter. So people can click on each one from the Op if they miss them instead of searching the pages. 

That's a pretty good idea, Doc. I remember the author for Dragon Strange doing that, it certainly did help. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Dave Exclamation Mark Yognaut]

Doctalen wrote...

This is the best thing on BSN.

[Cyberarmy]

Even Master will aprove of this thread ^_ ^

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Click here for the full Chapter Index!

The Story So Far:

Paragon, on an epic quest to save BioWare, searches for the man Vic to help him find the Infinity Engine Creation Kit. He performs numerous tasks, enlisting the aid of the people of Obsidian. However, his efforts were for naught - Vic was not in the town. Our hero was told to head in the direction of The Den, for Vic may be found there.

: Culd we n I git high wi Grampy Blunt in da Den? Im out a weed tbh mang

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3:

As Paragon prepares to leave Obsidian, he takes a look back at his short, but eventful, experiences here. He feels a sense of pride about what he had accomplished in that short time. No, he had not found "Vic" and no, he did not find the Infinity Engine Creation Kit either, but he grown as a person quite a bit.



He learned how to better deal with people with different opinions while articulating his own. He learned a bit about the intracacies and depth of Mass Effect - and how it challenges Sci-Fi's greatest acheivements. He also learned how to both confront and avoid trolls and spammers. Finally, he felt that he had gained an Awareness when meeting or dealing with other people.

Paragon's only real regret was not being able to become friends with Sulik. He had dearly wanted a fellow BioWare fan to accompany him in this journey, but the man's speech was incomprehensible. Plus, it seemed to our hero that Sulik did not want to travel with him in the first place. Sulik's parting words were cryptic, but our hero felt like he got the message.

: Aye homie dat snds hella kewl tbh bt i nid 2 go bench wit my nipples bro n Grampy Blunt wnts 2 get hi wi em tbh.

Sighing, Paragon takes one last look at Obsidian and as he starts walking in the direction of The Den, he prays silently for the developer to go out of business.

: Obsidian's writing is so overrated. BioWare's writing is transcendently majestic. Fenris was such a deep character.

...

While the trek to The Den was long, Paragon was progressing with it surprisingly quickly.



His secret? Our hero had his laptop open to pass the time. He had been discussing in-depth the romances in Mass Effect 3 on the Character and Romance subforums. He wanted to discuss how the LIs could have satisfying conclusions in the story. He even discussed how BioWare could expand their horizons with even more LIs in order to best engage the fans from an emotional perspective.

...

Meanwhile, in Edmonton...



: Where's Wrex? I want be in a Krogan Sandwich!

...

When Paragon finally arrives at The Den, he puts his laptop away, and keeps his guard up. He puts on an air of confidence and impunity as he strides into the middle of town, but secretly expects a greeting or confrontation.

Surprisingly, he receives neither.

He walks slowly, eyeing many of the town's citizens who just seem to be minding their own business. Many of them look disheveled and sway from side as they shuffle on the street. But none of them are hostile to his presence.

: This place is a little creepy but it's not so ba-



Before he could finish his sentence, he was hassled by one of the locals looking for a fix. Now that he could see them up close, he was horrified by what he saw.

: Fix... I need my fix... you got leaks?

: Leaks?! What, no! By the Maker! Go away, leave me alone!

Paragon soon came to realize however, that his loud outburst had only attracted the attention of the other townsfolk and that he had just made a big mistake.

Without warning, he became swamped by several more of the locals. They were clearly insane and had lost touch with reality. Many of them were weeping and moaning in agony as they surrounded our hero.

: Protheans.. protheans... you must pay... pay...

: Ha-happy ending? No happy end! Life doesn't have one! kyahahahah!

: It does NOT DOES not reflect the final b-build hahhh...

Terrified, Paragon attempts to flee from the scene.



And flee he did.

He didn't know how he escaped, or even where he ran to, but he just kept running. Eventually, he comes across a safe haven.



As Paragon hunches over to catch his breath, he hears people talking, drinking, gambling and generally having a good time. Our hero looks up and he not only hears, but now has his eyes confirm his initial suspicions.

These people were talking about Mass Effect! And in such a lengthy and well reasoned manner too. He also notices that none of the rabid horde had followed him inside this... building.

: This isn't so bad. What... what is this place?

One of the patrons tilts his head around to look at our hero. He simply nods towards the big sign above the bar before returning to his discussion on the motivations of the Reapers in carrying out their cycles of destruction.



Cerberus! Paragon is unable to contain his incredulity.

: What?! Are you kidding me? You people have done nothing but bash BioWare and Mass Effect since day 1! You're so all entitled and ungrateful! After all the great strides of innovation BioWare has taken for the sake of their fans, you throw it back in their faces! This place is loathed, loathed by other communities and for good reason!

Angry at Paragon's outburst, many of the patrons give our hero the finger, others mutter about a type of "drone", whatever that meant. Others still simply shook their heads. While none of them were physically hostile in their disapproval, Paragon knew that his comments had not made a good first impression.

As he prepares to take a seat by one of the tables, he's greeted from across the room.

: Tsk tsk tsk, you shouldn't be so melodramatic, stranger. This isn't some BioWare romance plot. We're ordinary people like you, we just happen to have an opinion that's not all roses and sunshine.

: DOCTOR CHAKWAS?!

: Doctor Chak... oh no, dear. I'm certainly not Dr. Chakwas. My name is Helen Mirren. Dame Helen Mirren. You know, the actress. You really need to get out more.

: I don't understand...

: Typical. You know, it's for people like you that BioWare dumbed down the franchise to be a cheap GoW ripoff with appallingly written drama aimed at Twilight fans. But look at me go on like that, welcome to my establishment. A place where you can have frank and honest discussion about Mass Effect without fear of being bannu. Is there anything I can get for you?

: I uhh... umm... hey, wait! You say that you want frank and honest discussion, but what about what you just said?! And what's with those crazy people who mobbed me outside?!

: Ahh yes, the rabble outside. It's natural, they're addicted to the spoilers, you see. It's like a drug to them. Don't mention anything about the leaks, or how excited you are about the game. You'll only aggrivate them or end their rines. Oh my, here I am, talking your head off, again and I haven't even gotten your name yet.

: I-it's Paragon01.

: Ah, I see. That explains a few things. Well, nice to meet you, Paragon01. Would you like a drink?

: Umm... well... no. I-I'm looking for an Infinity Engine Creation Kit or a man named Vic, have you seen either?

: The Infinity Engine Creation Kit rings a bell, but I'm sorry dear, I don't know what or where it is. As for "Vic". Oh yes, I remember, he's that lovely man from Obsidian, yes? He still uses that name, "Vic"? Well, I guess that name is just One of Many.

: ?

: Oh, I'm rambling again, I apologise. To answer your question, "Metzger" has him locked up. Or at least that's what he calls himself in these parts. But I don't really know why. I also don't know why he's got "Vic" locked up.

: Who's "Metzger"?

: Oh, he's what's ruining this place. He was the one who planted the leaks for people to find. He's the one who's causing this place to have such a bad reputation. And he's the one who's creating and using the spoiler addicts for his own gain. I'd stay away from him, if I were you. You won't like what you find.

: This "Metzger" sounds awful, unleashing trolls onto the world for his own benefit. Thanks for the warning, but I must talk to Vic.

: Well, if you must see him, Metzger's compound is on the east side of town.

: Thank you.



As Paragon leaves the establishment, one of the patrons bursts into laughter while another one offers our hero a stern warning.

"Be careful, kid. Metzger's real trade is not in trolls, but slaves. Slaves."

-----------------| (End of Chapter 3.)

Hope you enjoyed it!

Lots of lurkers, not many comments, c'mon guys if you like/hate it, or have any feedback, feel free to post.

It does my ego a world of good. 

edit: I cannot into spelling and grammar.

Modifié par CrustyBot, 05 juillet 2012 - 11:43 .

[Doctalen]

This is just in time! Going to the ME3 midnight launch and was not expecting one tonight. You make the best lines for these characters and really nail BSN. I may have to stop reading after ME3 for a bit though. 1. Busy with it (Duh). 2. Idk if you plan on including any detailed spoilers regarding ME3 or not. I assume you are since it would make this even funnier.

Ego eh? I'm not a popular member but I got this in my siggy. 

Modifié par Doctalen, 06 mars 2012 - 02:05 .

[eroeru]

 

Great stuff! Especially loved the third one - it's has more of an attitude.

[Rockworm503]

Crustybot you are a god among insects! This is by far the funniest lets play I've ever seen (and I watch Tobuscus)

[catofnine]

Man, I'd like to replay FO2, but every time I feel like starting it up again I remember the awful temple in the beginning and that kills any intention of playing it again.

So I'm going to just watch this thread instead.

MOAR.

/popcorn

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

Nice work Jaden