380 réponses à ce sujet

[CarGryph]

Headbutting this up.

[schneeland]

I guess Bioware should hire more Krogans.

[mattynutz]

Now this is high art. Ask the greeks.

[tamperous]

I hope this thread has delivered better than those other two examples. 

Modifié par tamperous, 02 avril 2012 - 01:27 .

[Turtlicious]

This one appreciates this thread, though this one recalls that the shotguns sold blew up on use. This one got a refund, but lost a tentacle.

[tamperous]

Turtlicious wrote...

This one appreciates this thread, though this one recalls that the shotguns sold blew up on use. This one got a refund, but lost a tentacle.

This is what I mean by cultural differences. To our hanar friends, dismemberment is simply a medical issue. To a krogan creative dismemberment is an art form. It would be difficult to get a refund from a krogan just because limbs were lost. Such a refund would violate our artistic integrity. You would have to prove that the dismemberment was unintended. (Blowing up your quad is different, because no way is that ever a good thing.)

Nowhere on the planet Earth is the cultural gap greater, than between the video game consumers and hipster video game creators. But fear not human consumers, to get a refund just tell them that the ending was so bad it caused your gonads to shrivel.

Modifié par tamperous, 02 avril 2012 - 02:39 .

[Turtlicious]

this one would like to point out that this one does not have a quad, though treats it's tentacles as such. It praises Urdnot Ratch's school to the enkindlers, which is educational for all.

Modifié par Turtlicious, 02 avril 2012 - 03:43 .

[tamperous]

And now a word from our sponsors...


Morlan's Famous Game Studio (a Division of Preposterous Arts) Presents

"Uplift Effect 3"

Krogan:

Do you suffer from lack of emotional attachment with your games? Do you want more choices you wish on what alien races live or die? Want to see how the consequences of your choices over a trilogy play out?

Tired of unsatisfying linear gameplays, of squealing teenaged protagonists who are all either feminine or indeterminate in gender, of contrived endings, and of asari RPGs in general? 

My friends, a remedy is available. Pre-order Uplift Effect 3, coming soon for your XB-CCCLX Omnitools. It's the epic conclusion of the legendary STG Scientist Professor Ima Moron's mission to save the galaxy from the rachni.

Choose to enlist humans, turians, or krogans to the galaxy's cause. 

Procreate with your wide-eyed, naive, and beautiful asari research assistant Avina or secure your breeding contract back home on Surkesh. The choice is yours.

Uplift your krogan companion Blargh at the expense of his rivals. It won't be easy but can you unite the clans to fight the rachni.

Cut Scene: A youthful but pretty looking asari sticks a probe into an unconcious krogan while Professor Moron watches. "Look Professor, the size of these krogan is incredible. By the Goddess I'm confused, the readings show he has four of them." 

And meet for the first time in the Uplift Effect Universe, the grotesque inhabitants of pre-spaceflight Earth.

Cut scene: Opens on a salarian stereotype of mid-20th century rural USA on Earth. Two teenaged humans (a male and female) are drinking beer and eating hamburgers before making out.  They are riding a Ford Model-T being pulled by a cow. An unearthly light fills the screen and the scene cuts to Blargh and Scientist Moron releasing the cows from their harnesses while we see Avina flying a salarian shuttle which picks up the Model T into using a tractor beam. 

Will you try to communicate and befriend the humans or will you just do cruel breeding experiments on these strange mammals?

Find out in Uplift Effect 3. Many possible endings await you.

Pre-order your STG Collectors Edition from that GameSnot Kiosk in Zakera today. STG Edition includes the mysterious volus squadmate and mission, an asari stripper outfit for Avina, special STG weapons for Professor Moron's squad, and a virtual pet pyjack for your STG ship's cargo hold. 

Potential Krogan Customers Attention: Please ignore the leaked script that says that no matter what you do, Moron uses Blargh to infect the krogan with a neuturing virus. That was based on an earlier draft of the script.

All Other Customers Attention: Please ignore the rumor that all endings involve Moron finding a giant tricoloured space bird in the final 5 minutes of the game that solves the whole situation by eating all rachni in the galaxy. 

**** UPDATED Morlan responds to controversy over Uplift Effect 3 ****
social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/355/index/9927711/14#11022423

Modifié par tamperous, 02 mai 2012 - 04:03 .

[mirage2154]

You just made a salarian eat fly... Again!!!

[BARRAGE 74]

Bump

[tamperous]

Ever since Preposterous Arts bought Morlan's Famous Shoppe, his ads have gotten better and his offering is a bit different. I'm not sure if his product has gotten better.

Modifié par tamperous, 05 avril 2012 - 03:53 .

[Occulo]

I love you Ratch.

[CarGryph]

Ah, well. Morlan was really looking forward to his participation in here. But I thought he would be raising his own voice and don't do some... er... advertising.

Also, STG wants to point out, that any racist statements were made without permission and don't show STG's actual attitude toward the humankind at all.

Now back to holding the line.

[Aetius5]

Ratch, I platonically love you. Keep fighting the good fight!

[lordofdogtown19]

This tread is gold. Thank you Ratch

[tamperous]

Dread nought, my fans, Morlan is aware of the controversy amongst his most loyal customers regarding his latest product. I am here to address these issues.

I proudly stand by my product. I believe the inevitable use of Professor Moron's friend Blargh to infect his people with the neutering virus is totally in agreement with the tone established in the Uplift Effect trilogy. Players chose to like this trilogy. Now that I have their money, I can show whatever I choose as the result of their character's history in the game. I am the propreitor after all.

On the ultimate solution to the rachni question, I found it to be a fullfilling and colourful end to Professor Moron's journey. Questions about it having nothing to do with the previous 99.6% of the trilogy lead me to question the intelligence of the critics. Seriously are you fans of Galaxy of Fantasy sent to troll Morlan's Studio by LackofVision Snowsquall Entertainment?  Deus Ex Machina has been used many times by writers to get themselves out of unresolvable plots they created, why are you holding me to such a high standard? Just because my pre-release marketing specifically said there would be no Deus Ex Machina plot device, doesn't mean I meant it.
 
Again, I stand behind the 75 perfect scores from the volus gaming media. Clearly they are right and my customers are wrong. It's just a minority of customers regardless.

Also I would like to defend the decision to charge extra for the volus financier character as DLC in the standard edition of the game. Despite what fans say, he is not needed to win the game. He simply gives you 10 billion of in-game credits so you can buy your lab without playing the multiplayer galactic stock market trading game. Anyone will enjoy 200+ hours of grinding credits in multiplayer to win the single player campaign. You can even argue that not having the volus DLC adds more hours of fun. The trading game was designed to be a realistic simulation of the actual stock market by volus who worked on the Irune Stock Exchange systems.

Still, my fans, I do not hold a grudge. I am listening, so will be announcing new DLC to service your demands. That's right, new sexy outfits for Avina. Asari schoolgirl outfit DLC is arriving next week for 523 Morlan points. Stay tuned there is more to come for Professor Moron.

Modifié par tamperous, 05 avril 2012 - 03:14 .

[zimm2142]

This is not the first time Preposterous Arts has bought and ****ed a studio.
It will not be the last.
Hold the line Stay civil!

[CarGryph]

Morlan, I expected more from you, my friend.

STG has to face the consequences of this "creative" decision and is therefore retreating all its funding in Perposterous Arts for the time being.

[ardias89]

Nice read

[ogtrplganggrl]

Utter and pure win!

[tamperous]

I'd like to point out that Preposterous Arts paid 1.2 billion credits for Morlan's Famous. This would be the company that sent a galaxy wide advertising email saying YOUR TOO SMALL. Back in the day I'd never shop at Morlan's when I went to the Citadel. It seemed to be a bit sketchy.

By comparison this makes it look like EA got a bargain for Bioware at 860 million dollars. Since their last two releases have destroyed their only significant IPs, this deal seriously amounts to 860 million for all the ideas in Mac Walters' and Casey Hudson's et al's heads.

I'd like to thank Morlan for helping us illustrate salarian business practices. That means you must refrain from throwing him into into the varren pits after the cocktail reception, we don't want any diplomatic incidents this semester.

Days Free of Diplomatic Incident at the Krogan School of Business: 142.

Modifié par tamperous, 07 avril 2012 - 04:25 .

[tamperous]

Good Morning, I know you have questions about where Hudson and Walters went. I will not lie to you, I am having a difficult time understanding the human concept of leadership. Urdnot leaders, like Wrex or his brother Wreav, always take responsibility and lead from the front. Even misguided krogan leaders like Gatalog Uvenk or Weyrloc Guld would never let their followers suffer slings and arrows that they themselves do not.

In my mind, I see two grown humans hiding behind an office chair occupied by Jessica Merizan who is wearing her suit of alliance issued armor to deflect the incoming vitriol from extranet snipers while she tweets. This amuses me because krogans don't generally hide behind their females (our females don't hide behind our males either). That woman Merizan, has so many Bioware men hiding behind her that they should sing songs in her honour at Edmonton, as we sing songs about Shiagur on Tuchanka. 

Let me illustrate a comparable situation to show you how a krogan would handle a bad business deal that ended in embarassment:

Once upon a time on sunny Tuchanka, there was a krogan who didn't like to headbutt with all the other little krogans. Instead he would sit in the shade of the old cork tree and smell the flowers, write poetry and build. I think you may have met Charr in his adult days. Still despite his weird temperment he grew up to be a fine young krogan. After learning all he could fixing our old trucks, he signed an indenture on Illium to work as a mechanic.

Meanwhile back on Tuchanka, Wrex was implementing mandatory shotgun training as part of primary school. The Shaman and Chief Scout needed to find a supply of shotguns suitable for whelps. They asked me, but I only had access to Claymores which were not suitable. So the Chief Scout contacted his former apprenctice mechanic on Illium.

Turns out Charr had made nice with some asari who worked in the markets. He could get  a supply of surplus guns. But when we got the shotguns, we were shocked. They were not the masculine models we had requested. They were that girly kind, you know the white ones shaped like the backside of an asari. Turns out Charr had fallen hard for this asari who convinced him to buy these things. He had no sense, imagine krogan using an asari fashion accessory as a weapon. 

School Parents were outraged. They were already angry that Wrex was teaching Weapon-Ed in school. Now they were accusing schools of allowing alien-influence, and even accusing the school of trying to turn their kids into asari lovers. In short a PR crisis, an angry crowd signed up to speak at the next Urdnot PTA meeting. 

Though he could have sent Charr to face the parents, the Chief Scout decided that he would face the parents himself. After all Charr was just a whelp and probably not the best person to go up there to defend against accusations of being an asari lover. After answering vitriolic questions and being called an asari-lover for 3 hours, he ended up having to take the asari weapons for his men and buying new guns for the kids. Problem solved, except that we have to go pyjack hunting with these stupid asari shotguns. 

They truly are terrible, Charr was even convinced to buy the makeup compact attachment mod for the stock.

So I guess the moral of the sooner the person in charge is actually seen to take responsibility, the sooner the crisis ends. Stupid disciple, how am i supposed to aim with this makeup brush poking my eye..

Modifié par tamperous, 11 avril 2012 - 09:38 .

[schneeland]

bump, so Krogan wisdom doesn't get lost.

[animallover11]

Oh, this is back on the front page? I think I'll give it a bump.

[Sora Shepherd]

Asari have some pretty weird shotguns.