The Very Secret Diaries of the DA:O Party
#76
Posté 11 décembre 2009 - 05:54
#77
Posté 11 décembre 2009 - 06:20
Out of them all this one was a true masterstroke.Hazelthorne wrote...
Day 75: Sucess! I have seduced the leader. As in keeping with human custom I put underwear on for the occasion.
#78
Posté 12 décembre 2009 - 04:15
Adria Teksuni wrote...
Day 1: Mother instructed me on the ways of men. What goes where?! O.o
ROFL
#79
Posté 13 décembre 2009 - 04:31
#80
Posté 13 décembre 2009 - 06:20
Day 62: Warden told me to "shut it" and called me a "haranging harpy" in front of Bann Teagan. I did'nt know he cared! Or was it a "ravening harpy." Either way, warm fuzzies.
Day 75: Much drunken revelry after finding the ashes of prissy old Andraste. Spying again as an insect for material to snark on Alis-bore. Observed brain-melting events as night fell as follows:
Al: *YIPE*
ZEV: Oh my is this the wrong tent? My terrible mistake or is it?
Al: Why am I wearing a King Caiian wig?
Zev: *hrmp* see if I offer to shine your hilt anymore your majesty.
Al: Where did you even get a wig like...?
Zev: Ah now that is a tale! in Antiva I learned to make wigs for the ****s so I could eat the thin soup offered once a week by the Chantry. It was my only meal after all. But sadly while painstakingly gathering hair from dead ****s someone stole my scissors. Alas I then had nothing to eat but the peanut shells the johns dropped. *sniff*
Al: Out. Now.
*simulated drunken lurching*
Wynne: Excuse me?
Zev: Oh my. Wrong tent. Too much to drink you see? Perhaps I could rest my aching head on your enchanted bosom for just a moment!
Wynne: There is a time and place for..Oh sod it! Get out before I teach you what the pointy end of a mage staff feels like.
Zev: Oo kinky..i'll get the bacon grease.
Wynne: OUT!
*simulated drunken lurching*
Og: *FARRT*
Zev: *cough*
Og: (still asleep) Branka baby you came back? Come over here and gimme some sugar!
Zev: *in his best imitation of Branka* Oh yes Oghren! Take me now! My forge is hot!
Og: Waaaait a second..Waiiit a second! You're not Branka.
Zev: Does it matter? *giggle*
Og: *whispers* Er...fine. Just shut it and put that poncy elf mouth of yours to better work
Zev: This one time...in Antivia.....
Og: *grunt* After all Elves don't count.
After this I promptly cast a nightmare on myself to remove thoughts. Then had Alis-bore cleanse the area to be sure. My mistake, I owe him cheese.
Day 76: Decided to spy on men bathing. All thoughts of the Warden have vanished from my mind. Sten, O Sten, with your talks of bits of leather, cookies, and needing something to bite down upon whilst doing your deeds with your ENORMOUS talent. Learning healing spells from the preachy old git in hopes I can accommodate your offered nuzzling.
Day 78: Unable to walk straight, Go me!
Modifié par Hazelthorne, 13 décembre 2009 - 06:21 .
#81
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 03:15
#82
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 06:53
Loghain
Day 1: Got new journal from Cailan. V. nice, but srsly, a journal? Have darkspawn hordes to defeat and Ferelden to defend from Orlay and he gives me a journal? Marec would never have given me a journal.
May have to kill Cailan.
Orlesian totally threaten future fashion empire. If Orlay not dealt with, simply will not be able to release “Loghain’s Legendary Livery”. Orlay has got to go.
Oh yes, they also conquered and ruled us and are tyrants and evil and blah blah blah.
Day 2: Rec’d word from Isolde, Arlessa of Redcliffe, that son is mage but does not want to send to Tower. Two birds, one stone time! Have sent incredibly simple blood mage to “tutor” son. Will also poison Eamon.
Will never forgive Eamon for marrying Orlesian. Plus his brother Teagan entirely too hot. Gets the chicks every SINGLE council session. Refuses to wear Loghain’s Legendary Livery, too. Stupid Isolde picks out all his clothes. Orlesian tart.
Hate Teagan. But too hot to kill. Alas, even I am immune to his charms.
Do not have man crush. Do not do not do NOT!
Will have to settle for Eamon.
Day 3: Arl Howe returned from successful bloody takeover of Highever. Go him! While describing battle, Howe kept sniffing handkerchief. Discovered handkerchief actually woman’s panties.
Think Howe might be pervy old git.
Informed by Howe that daughter of Cousland and Gray Warden Duncan escaped. At least Cousland gone. He liked Orlesians too. Wife hot, so her death v. sad.
Day 4: Anora complaining again that Cailan prettier than her. She wants me to do what, exactly? But, am father, will try.
Spoke with Cailan about perhaps letting me give him small scar to detract from overall prettiness and keep his wife happy. Went completely postal. Kept going on and on about how Duncan might not like it and what would he do then? Tried to explain that scars considered sexy by many, but he not interested. Got into quite a shouting match. Think aides may have heard.
May have to kill aides.
Day 5: Cannot put up with incessant “Daaaaddeeeeeee, Cailan prettier than meeeeeeee.” Cannot cope. Off to Ostagar.
Day 6: “But the Gray Wardens are perfect, Loghain! The Gray Wardens can stop the darkspawn Loghain! The Gray Wardens give such great massages, Loghain!”
Am v. tired of hearing about Gray Wardens. Duncan in particular. Every time want little cuddle from Cailan, Duncan there with scented oil. GWs not even interested in Orlesian threat or fashion line, Duncan least of all.
Duncan also v. snappy dresser, even in gown. Fashion sense a threat.
Def. have to kill Duncan.
Day 7: Uldred in place, once darkspawn threat over, will take over Tower with blood magery type junk. Can’t kill Orlesians with wimpy mages. Uldred raving lunatic, but can kill him later.
Ser Cauthrien offered to kill everyone bothering me, but refused. Cannot kill them yet. Cauthrien then offered to just annoy everyone.
Cauthrien not v. bright.
Duncan spending much time with GW named Alistair. Same Alistair as Marec’s Alistair? Nah. Couldn’t be. Whinging dork could not possibly be of Marec’s get. NO sense of style. Marec entirely too strong, noble, masculine, self-sacrificing, commanding, handsome, built, wonderful hands…incredible buttocks…
Where was I?
Oh yes. Alistair cannot be Marec’s son. Still, he keeps Duncan busy enough in Duncan’s tent. Just the two of them. At night. With lots of candles lit.
Thinking Duncan might be kinda gay.
Day 8: Let slip to Cailan about Duncan and young Warden. Cailan not happy. Offered little cuddle to help cheer him up, but not interested.
Marec never refused cuddle.
Thinking more than ever may have to kill Cailan. Just not his father’s son.
Have stolen all massage oil in Ostagar. Wardens will get blame. I am soooooo sneaky.
Gave oil to Ash Warriors and told them it was new “war paint”. A few raised eyebrows by the scent, but they took it. Figure darkspawn slaughter imminent, as ds will get giggles at fearsome warriors and dogs smelling like lavender.
Day 9: Duncan left Ostagar! “To recruit more Gray Wardens” my sweet aunt Matilda. Have successfully driven wedge between Cailan and Wardens. Go me!
Cailan depressed. Have kept private reserve of massage oil. Will use to cheer Cailan up.
Day 23: Duncan returned to Ostagar. Ah well, too good to hope that he be messily slaughtered while out roaming in his jealous sulks. Brought daughter of Cousland with him. V. hot, although seemingly not impressed by me.
May have to kill new Warden.
Why Duncan chose this woman to be Warden I have nan idea. Keeps talking about the “Bonding”. Even I know it’s the “Joining”. Silly bint.
Wonder what goes on in Joining anyway. Sounds kinda kinky. Might have to spy.
For purely academic reasons, of course.
What?
Day 26:
Joining over. Rather disappointing. Two recruits dead (one would have died anyway as obvious liver complaint), only woman pulled through. No nuzzling or hugging or caressing or ANYTHING. Simply cannot see what Cailan sees in GWs.
Laid out battle plan for Ostagar. Cailan STILL infatuated with Gray Wardens. Poncy little nancy must GO. Duncan TOO. Then can take out Orlay and launch Loghain’s Legendary Livery at big fall fashion show in Tevinter next season.
Cailan to ride in initial sortie with GWs against ds, then signal a fire in the tower for me to come in and save his pretty little behind.
Sure I will.
King dead. Duncan dead. Gray Wardens branded traitors. Go me!
Modifié par Adria Teksuni, 15 décembre 2009 - 07:10 .
#83
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 08:00
#84
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 08:03
Day 76: Decided to spy on men bathing. All thoughts of the Warden have vanished from my mind. Sten, O Sten, with your talks of bits of leather, cookies, and needing something to bite down upon whilst doing your deeds with your ENORMOUS talent. Learning healing spells from the preachy old git in hopes I can accommodate your offered nuzzling.
Hee hee hee hee hee....
#85
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 08:43
#86
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 09:46
#87
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 09:47
#88
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 11:30
This is epic!
#89
Posté 15 décembre 2009 - 11:41
KnightofPhoenix wrote...
Adria Teksuni....I love you.
This is epic!
Alas, no blushy emoticon!
*blush*
#90
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 06:04
#91
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 06:49
Day 185,000.
That pathetic little Mage, ordered me , ordered me I say, to CARRY him all the way from the foot of village entrance to his tower, TO HIS TOWER, the nerve.
Day 185, 022.
Current tally of squishing:
Pesky Villagers 4
Flying Darkspawn aka Pidgeons: 3, 123.
Non-Flying white Darskpawn aka Chickens: 21, 901
That Pesky Mage, Wilhelm:0
Day 185, 030.
The annoying mage's wife, asked him to Make me SMALLER, who does she think I am. Wilhelm used his control rod, which from what it's wife says, is the only control rod he can handle, to make me change my Crystals.
Day 185, 045.
Anger at Wilhelm rising. I am now 7 foot tall, I was 10 feet tall, 10 FEET TALL.
Day 185, 046.
I am stuck in the middle of the village, and can't seem to move. The pesky villagers walk around me, in very wide circles. I am feeling that my crystals are making me look wide. But where is the pesky mage? Could he have finally vanished. I had a plan to throw his control rod into the lake, it said he couldn't swim, and liked using me as long legs to cross rivers. The Nerve.
Day 185, 410
Flying darkspawn pidgeon crap. Villager finally approaches me. I am unable to move or make a sound. Oh if only I could let out a growl, grimace or a "I will squish your head like a Lemon. Squish" Oh wouldn't he just make a mess on himself.
Day 185, 410 and 5 seconds.
Villager makes a mess on himself. If only I could laugh.
Day 196, 360
Excitement at last. Darkspawn attack the pesky villagers. Screaming, running, crying, and smashing. And squishing. Some villagers escape to the bottom of Wilhelms tower.
Day 196, 361.
Some more humans come. There is another mage. Pidgeon crap. I want to squish this one's head like a Lemon. *gasp* Can it be?? It has the control rod. I wish I could re-arrange my crystals.
Day 196, 361. Afternoon.
It killed all the darkspawn. It is now stood in front of me, and says the command word. But it gets it wrong. It's companions wag their wet little tongues among themselves.
1hr later, it comes back, with a smile on it's face. It holds the control rod, and uses the right command word. I can move, I can talk. I must make it let me go with it. And on the way out of this horrible little village, I must squish the non-flying darkspawn, the little white feathery ones.
______________________________________________________________________________
I just love Shale's dialogues, I tried to get the chronolgy of Shales life in there. Hope you enjoy.
#92
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 06:54
Someone a bit of a Rocky Horror Picture Show buff are we? Love it.Hazelthorne wrote...
Al: *YIPE*
ZEV: Oh my is this the wrong tent? My terrible mistake or is it?
Al: Why am I wearing a King Caiian wig?
Zev: *hrmp* see if I offer to shine your hilt anymore your majesty.
Al: Where did you even get a wig like...?
Zev: Ah now that is a tale! in Antiva I learned to make wigs for the ****s so I could eat the thin soup offered once a week by the Chantry. It was my only meal after all. But sadly while painstakingly gathering hair from dead ****s someone stole my scissors. Alas I then had nothing to eat but the peanut shells the johns dropped. *sniff*
Al: Out. Now.
*simulated drunken lurching*
Wynne: Excuse me?
Zev: Oh my. Wrong tent. Too much to drink you see? Perhaps I could rest my aching head on your enchanted bosom for just a moment!
Wynne: There is a time and place for..Oh sod it! Get out before I teach you what the pointy end of a mage staff feels like.
Zev: Oo kinky..i'll get the bacon grease.
Wynne: OUT!
*simulated drunken lurching*
Og: *FARRT*
Zev: *cough*
Og: (still asleep) Branka baby you came back? Come over here and gimme some sugar!
Zev: *in his best imitation of Branka* Oh yes Oghren! Take me now! My forge is hot!
Og: Waaaait a second..Waiiit a second! You're not Branka.
Zev: Does it matter? *giggle*
Og: *whispers* Er...fine. Just shut it and put that poncy elf mouth of yours to better work
Zev: This one time...in Antivia.....
Og: *grunt* After all Elves don't count.
#93
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 06:57
Oh if only I could let out a growl, grimace or a "I will squish your head like a Lemon. Squish" Oh wouldn't he just make a mess on himself.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
#94
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 07:02
#95
Posté 16 décembre 2009 - 07:16
Hazelthorne wrote...
(A brief sample from Morrigan's Journal)
Day 1-50: I disapprove.
Day 55: Mother was right, making nasty comments and being half-naked do result in having to do less work.
Day 75: Sucess! I have seduced the leader. As in keeping with human custom I put underwear on for the occasion.
ha ha ha! brilliant, everyone.
#96
Posté 18 décembre 2009 - 10:30
I remember one instance with Morrigan and dog. Doggy put some dead animal and placed it in Morrigan's unmentionables. Dialogue option for my (male) hero included something like: Does this mean you'll have to go without underwear? Her reply something like: Quite likely/Maybe so!sagequeen wrote...
Hazelthorne wrote...
(A brief sample from Morrigan's Journal)
Day 1-50: I disapprove.
Day 55: Mother was right, making nasty comments and being half-naked do result in having to do less work.
Day 75: Sucess! I have seduced the leader. As in keeping with human custom I put underwear on for the occasion.
ha ha ha! brilliant, everyone.
Modifié par Zenon, 18 décembre 2009 - 10:31 .
#97
Posté 20 décembre 2009 - 09:36
Gotta love it
And this topic is actually making me laugh out loud.
I keep expecting to read "V. hot" and "Not hot at all" in the Codex entries.
Would love to see what the character thinks of Teagan and Isolde when the time comes.
And Prince Alistair.
V. hot.
#98
Posté 20 décembre 2009 - 01:48
Adria Teksuni wrote...
The Very Secret Diaries of the Very Nearly Last Gray Warden in Ferelden & Co
The Archdemon
Day 1: Came out of Fade today expecting to look like hottie, am instead ginormous scaly dragon. Manicure impossible. Pedicure impossible. However, lots of darkspawn minions to dominate. Go me!
I suppose scales would be a letdown if you were expecting to be a purple stripper with nipple armour.
#99
Posté 20 décembre 2009 - 02:32
bunnie.riane wrote...
I keep expecting to read "V. hot" and "Not hot at all" in the Codex entries.
LOL! I was laughing so loud at this I had to explain to my husband!
#100
Posté 28 décembre 2009 - 12:30
I love all the diaries (especially Loghain's!!!





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