126 réponses à ce sujet

[lillitheris]

Taalar wrote...

just found and going to read

Awesome! Hopefully you’ll enjoy it

[10bears]

Great story! Love it! You can't write it fast enough.

[lillitheris]

10bears wrote...

Great story! Love it! You can't write it fast enough.

Tell me about it! But thank you! <3

[Drussius]

I don't have an account on FF.net, or I would review there, but I just wanted to pass along my complements on what has thus far been an excellent story. I've been reading it as much as possible without neglecting family and responsibilities, and have just finished Chapter 8. I have to say that you do great justice to many of the characters, and I'm enjoying working my way through the story you've put together (I don't want to mention specifics too much, so that this is spoiler free for other readers).

That said, I mentioned previously in PM and just want to reiterate, the pacing of the story seems to be broken slightly, in my view, by the shifts back in time to retell the climax of the battle from different perspectives. I was reading about post-battle things at the end of Chapter 7 (again, trying to avoid spoilers here), and then Chapter 8 started pre-climax again, which breaks the pacing for me a bit. As I mentioned to you before the same thing happened in a previous chapter transition.

Just my personal opinion, mind you, but some rearranging of the disparate passages to get the pre-climax stuff all pre-climax, the different climax viewpoints together for the climax, and then the post-climax stuff all post-climax, might help the pacing a bit.

I love your handling of Jack, btw. Spot on, in my view. On the other hand, Aethyta strikes me as just a tiny bit TOO rough of language. Or rather, she's a little too Jack

Still, I hope the tone of my feedback doesn't sound too negative, because I'm just trying to provide some constructive criticism on what is going perfectly and what is striking me as a bit jarring, but I really must emphasize that critical feedback aside, I am enjoying the story immensely thus far and would gladly recommend that others read it.

[lillitheris]

Drussius wrote...

Just my personal opinion, mind you, but some rearranging of the disparate passages to get the pre-climax stuff all pre-climax, the different climax viewpoints together for the climax, and then the post-climax stuff all post-climax, might help the pacing a bit.

I’ve been pondering about this…there are some things I might switch around — chapter 7 is a good candidate to maybe bring forward a little bit. At the same time, I don’t want to go to strictly timeslicing based on events, that seems too safe? There’s definitely a possibility for shuffling the deck a bit, though.

Either way, I don’t think I yet have enough perspective on the whole beginning section to quite untangle my view of it, so I think it’ll have to wait a couple weeks.

I love your handling of Jack, btw. Spot on, in my view. On the other hand, Aethyta strikes me as just a tiny bit TOO rough of language. Or rather, she's a little too Jack

Hehe, thanks. I kind of view Thee’s brashness as the classic ‘front’ that comes out when she’s insecure.

Still, I hope the tone of my feedback doesn't sound too negative, because I'm just trying to provide some constructive criticism on what is going perfectly and what is striking me as a bit jarring, but I really must emphasize that critical feedback aside, I am enjoying the story immensely thus far and would gladly recommend that others read it.

Critique is quite welcome, you make good points

The good part about not having time to read is that you’ve still got lots of chapters to go through! Hopefully they’ll continue to entertain

[lillitheris]

…And on that note, Chapter 20 is ready!

[Taalar]

just wanted to say really enjoying and loving the updates that come consistently. If you are trying to decide whether to check it out, do yourself a favor and do it. She captures the flavor nicely thus far.

[lillitheris]

Flatterer You’ll still have to wait until Friday evening for the next chapter!

But thank you!

[Drussius]

Just finished Chapter 13, and am continuing to enjoy the story immensely. My only issues of late have been small grammatical details, and I'm impressed by the information filled in to add life to various things (must be vague to avoid spoilerish statements). I look forward to reading the rest of it!

[lillitheris]

^ Hooray! If you happen to notice especially any consistent grammar problems, I’d much appreciate a note (no need to go back to proofread, though, just in case you do pick up anything).

…

Finished chapter 21, but can’t publish it until tomorrow, unfortunately.

[Drussius]

The only one I could think of off the top of my head was a scene with Kaidan in the shower, I don't remember if it was Chapter 13 or one or two chapters before that. But the in-shower description started with a run-on sentence that I felt would read better if it were broken up into two or three separate sentences.

Like I said, SMALL grammatical issues.

[lillitheris]

Oh, yes. The comma and I are friends. With very few benefits -.-

[Drussius]

It's a disfunctional relationship that I share too. I have been working very hard for years now to break out of it. I used to run sentences on for marathon lengths. Nowadays, when I get more than one comma in a sentence I go back and reread it to see if it can be broken into two sentences. If it's fine as is, I leave it. But I frequently find them reading better when broken up.

Such a hard habit to break. I still do it after years of trying to stop...

[lillitheris]

…Finally home! Chapter 21 is online.

[Drussius]

So I've reached the end of Chapter 21... And I demand Chapter 22! Now! I will wait 10 minutes, and if it isn't up, I'm calling Jack on the vidcomm...


Seriously though, I am very much enjoying your work. I look forward to the next chapter going live. I am very impressed with all of the little details you fill in. They seem to fit so well... just the little things, like the colors of the oceans on Thessia, or the references to Asari foods and drinks. I love details, and yours fit so naturally that I almost expect to find them in my codex when I next boot up the game.

[lillitheris]

Thanks! So long as details aren’t getting in the way of the story!

Now you’re in the same boat waiting…there’re benefits to being behind! Wish I was like Mel, I could write 3 chapters a day.

[lillitheris]

Tonight’s chapter is unfortunately pushed back to Thursday…I’ll hopefully have two chapters over the weekend Fri/Sat and Sun to make up for it.

Just can’t miss this opportunity to go for an overnight bike ride to celebrate the solstice!

[Drussius]

Unacceptable! Excercise? Solstice? Bah! I want my next chapter! AND two over the weekend!

Signed, your Friendly-Neighborhood Slave Driver.

[Taalar]

ditto.. and I had the time this evening as well..

[lillitheris]

Aww… here’s Chapter 22.

[Drussius]

Yay for Chapter 22! Very nice work.

However, the very end part there, did you leave out who "He" was on purpose? Because I am confused as to who it is. I look forward to seeing if it's answered in the next chapter. Which will be up tomorrow, right?

[lillitheris]

Thank you! I did purposely leave out his name…but not who he is

And, keelah se’lai, tomorrow.

Modifié par lillitheris, 23 juin 2012 - 11:31 .

[lillitheris]

Just in the nick of time, Chapter 23.

…

@Drussius: Did you figure out who it is yet?

[Drussius]

Unfortunately, no. I have no clue. I may just not be connecting something properly, but I can't think of who it could be. Can't really say more without risking spoilers for other readers. But I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

And excellent work on Chapter 23, by the way. Just finished reading it, and am looking forward to 24. Ms. Jack Naught says tomorrow? And something about redecorating your room if it's not?

[oldharryold]

Another excellent chapter! Them damn ..... 
Also I think I know who the mystery man is but please dont prove me wrong, 'K?

Modifié par oldharryold, 25 juin 2012 - 12:39 .