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[flippedeclipse]

Came here looking for writer's block advice and found exactly what I needed in the most recent post. Thanks Drussius! Life is good =)

[Xilizhra]

Well, I figured out how to get past the issue of starting my story: writing the dialogue in a script format first, at least for this chapter, and then planning on hanging description and the like onto it in a later revision.

[Icyflare]

Drussius wrote...

My chosen method of encouragement is mock outrage and overly-dramatic threats. Of course, writer's block is something that has to be waited out or worked through at your own pace. And writing is done best when it's done when you're in a writing mood. I will patiently wait for more Shepard and Liara.

But I may still threaten to employ pointy objects and possibly biotic henchmen. It's my way of letting my fellow writers know that they have my support.

I'm an odd one that way.

And I suppose I could get behind a revolt wielding waffle cones and ice cream. And after I put in all the effort to sharpen my pitchfork. Darn it!

I'll pitch in with playful jabs and occasional witty non-sequiteurs <<insert something droll here>>. But yeah, if you see threats of mob uprisings, that's us being supportive ;P

[MetioricTest]

Wait am I allowed to post fanfiction on this board?

I was bored of the synthesis ending debate so instead of explaining why I don't like it in points, I wrote a story about it.

But I kinda went too wild with the story and it ended up being much much longer than I meant it to be and I'm kinda proud of it in a weird way. Can I post it on this board?

[Seracen]

MetioricTest wrote...

Wait am I allowed to post fanfiction on this board?

I was bored of the synthesis ending debate so instead of explaining why I don't like it in points, I wrote a story about it.

But I kinda went too wild with the story and it ended up being much much longer than I meant it to be and I'm kinda proud of it in a weird way. Can I post it on this board?

I'm not the moderator, so I can't say, but I imagine if all of us started posting our fics, it'd get full quick, and be confusing.

How about a link to a DA or ff.net account?  Those are easy enough to create, and I'm sure some of us would be more than happy to give it a glance (at least me, for one, once I finish fleshing ideas out for my own fic, )

[fluffywalrus]

Seracen wrote...

MetioricTest wrote...

Wait am I allowed to post fanfiction on this board?

I was bored of the synthesis ending debate so instead of explaining why I don't like it in points, I wrote a story about it.

But I kinda went too wild with the story and it ended up being much much longer than I meant it to be and I'm kinda proud of it in a weird way. Can I post it on this board?

I'm not the moderator, so I can't say, but I imagine if all of us started posting our fics, it'd get full quick, and be confusing.

How about a link to a DA or ff.net account?  Those are easy enough to create, and I'm sure some of us would be more than happy to give it a glance (at least me, for one, once I finish fleshing ideas out for my own fic, )

This would be the best course of action. Post it on DA or FFnet and link to it in your sig, or in a post (sig preferably, more efficient).
I mean, we love fanfiction here, but posting the whole thing in a help/support thread probably would just be confusing. Unless you have a paragraph or so that you're wanting critique on, or whatnot.

[MetioricTest]

Tried FF.net. Won't let me upload for 2 days...

does DA do fanfics?

[fluffywalrus]

MetioricTest wrote...

Tried FF.net. Won't let me upload for 2 days...

does DA do fanfics?

DA does written submissions, but it's a big hassle. They don't have a good foundation for chapters, making it annoying to provide links to the next submission sometimes.

FFnet has a 2 day waiting period, yes, but it's easier to upload and update your work there, and it's a busier place, and has a good, effective search function.

I mean, I will admit I have a bias against DA for written stuff primarily because their written submission system blows...and most people looking up ass effect related stuff are looking for artwork and skip over the written submissions. That's just what I observe, though. Others may feel differently.

[MetioricTest]

fluffywalrus wrote...

MetioricTest wrote...

Tried FF.net. Won't let me upload for 2 days...

does DA do fanfics?

DA does written submissions, but it's a big hassle. They don't have a good foundation for chapters, making it annoying to provide links to the next submission sometimes.

FFnet has a 2 day waiting period, yes, but it's easier to upload and update your work there, and it's a busier place, and has a good, effective search function.

I mean, I will admit I have a bias against DA for written stuff primarily because their written submission system blows...and most people looking up ass effect related stuff are looking for artwork and skip over the written submissions. That's just what I observe, though. Others may feel differently.

Cool! Thanks for the information. Finally managed to get it up on DA:  Hassle was right lol.

http://fav.me/d576c4t

Give me some slack because it's the first and quite possibly last thing I ever came up with and I literally wrote it as I went like a rant. So sorry if it's too long.

But hopefully you will enjoy

I wrote too much for no human to avoid not suffering through it!

[lillitheris]

You can, by the way, post on this forum too — there’re a couple threads with fics within if you look at the thread listing. The format’s not great for reading, but it works.

DA’s problem is that it has no concept of chapters, so authors need to add links themselves. Most don’t, which makes multipart things hard to read.

…

On topic of sites, I noticed that FFN has added some more info in the Publish > Manage Stories view; it shows follower and review counts, and even some kind of a total view count. It shows almost a third more than my numbers, though, so I have no idea how reliable one should consider it — but it’s definitely Visitors-based rather than Hits (were it the latter, it’d be something like 3-4 times the number I have).

[hot_heart]

This is going to be a weird one (and I'm getting ahead of myself in the story) but: people have shield generators on their armour, right? As in, there must be some device that generates the field. I believe you made mention of it in Unity, lilli. (I've not read enough to offer anything useful besides grammatical suggestions, I'm afraid).

If so, where do you think someone like Miranda would have hers 'concealed'? (Not meant to sound rude!)

I'm thinking of including a bit in the Kai Leng encounter where he manages to disable it up close.

Modifié par hot_heart, 13 juillet 2012 - 09:28 .

[lillitheris]

I did mention it, yes…for the typical armor, I imagine the generator is simply integrated into it. I think someone else touched upon it too.

I’ve gone with the base assumption that the field generated must be attuned or molded so that it autonomously envelops the bearer — the alternative to that would have to be some type of a distribution system built into the armor that had conduits that allowed the field to be kind of pushed out of individual parts (think water pushed into a bag with lots of tiny holes).

It’d be attractive to think that it’s solely a box that projects a human-shaped shield, which would enable anyone to wear one, in any kind of clothing, but — while I’ve left it unexplained — I think a more reasonable compromise is some type of grid built into armor, clothing, or the undersuit. This grid, by some means, ‘attracts’ or guides the field progression, causing it to wrap around the user rather than project out. A further refinement could be that without the grid, a shield generator can only project a flat or slightly curved surface, like an actual shield rather than a suit of armor. Technically — or nontechnically, as the case may be — the need for the grid could be obviated by handwaving that the body’s magnetic field (or whatever) acts as the affinity, but that seems a little sillier than usual.

So, er.

Proper armor would have a generator and a builtin grid, perhaps with amplifiers, enabling the most comprehensive and robust covering.

A complete shield could also be achieved by wearing a detachable generator box or belt, and (more sparsely) gridded clothing or undergarments, or possibly even by something like little bracelets around various body parts, or by implanted anchor points.

A non-gridded shield would only be able to project a more or less static field a little further from the body, and it might be difficult to achieve even 75% directional protection.

An external shield generator could be seen as either directly projecting onto nearby grids (which makes logical sense, if not necessarily technological), or then just supplying energy to be channeled through the user’s generator.

So…

I’d say Miranda will have a reasonably high-tech skinsuit (hopefully under some clothing, but you could even use the honeycomb pattern the white suit shows…) with a builtin grid. I think you can put the generator anywhere — small of the back, for example, or between the shoulders — but for realism, you might want to stipulate that it’s in a special compartment that has built-in heat dissipation and some armoring around it.

…

(Also, grammatical suggestions are always welcome

Modifié par lillitheris, 13 juillet 2012 - 10:08 .

[hot_heart]

Thanks for the info! Definitely useful. I guess, rather than the specifics of how it shapes itself (I do really like your idea though!), what I was trying to get at is that maybe it at least has some kind of discreet power source that can be taken offline, which doesn't sound too at odds with your write-up. So, yeah, I'd be looking at it being attacked (possibly by a sword. Know how much you love them. ) in a close-quarters brawl.

I am at work but it's quiet so I shall try and find the odd bit here and there that scanned oddly with me (not necessarily wrong) and add them here.

Cheers again for the help!

EDIT:
Ch 1.
Only the absence of return fire and the woman's warning to not move quelled the desire.
Really fussy, I know but 'not to move' avoids the split infinitive.

they had still been losing 3 ships for every Reaper craft.
Not sure about stylistic standards but I tend to favour the written form of numbers over the numeric in these instances

Hackett had been forced to change strategy to harrying the enemy and drawing the Reapers away from the Crucible rather than even trying to destroy them.
Something just looks odd about calling Reapers 'the enemy' and then referring to them as Reapers right after. Might just be a case of switching that 'and' for a comma, or 'Hackett had been forced to change strategy to harrying the Reapers, drawing them away from the Crucible rather than (even) trying to destroy them.

The heat of the thermal had resealed the wound reasonably well, and his only remaining medi-gel pouch and hacking the reserves in his suit to flood his system had been enough to dull the pain and start replacing the lost blood.
This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Without major revision, I would switch that 'and' after the comma for a 'while'.

She was silent for a moment to make sure he got to a good rhythm, and then continued, her breathing audibly strained from supporting Mkawa's bulk. "I only found you by pure luck. I followed this keeper to the
corridor you were in and I probably would have thought you one of these poor souls,"
Some of this dialogue seems to be repeating what she's already said (finding him by accident, following keepers) and it's pure exposition. I would start from the "I probably would have..." bit . And you closed the speech marks at the end of the first paragraph here when I think it's supposed to run-on?

Modifié par hot_heart, 13 juillet 2012 - 11:22 .

[lillitheris]

^ Good, thanks! Think I agree with each. I sometimes struggle with the numbers…the general rule is that <10 (or even <20) should always be written out, but sometimes it seems like it would be better as a number to indicate precision. In this case, it does pop out a little even visually, so mayhaps it’s better written…

…

And, yes, I’d say there’s definitely some kind of a device that generates the shield and as such it can be disabled.

[hot_heart]

Continuing...

Moderately successful, he looked the remnants of his leg over for bleeding.
Really persnickety again, but I would put it as 'looked over'.

"Let's see if I can cut down the distance any for you if you do come back,"
Personal preference really, but I would put a comma before that second 'if'.

Overall, though, I'm liking it. Some of the dialogue feels a bit dry and a tad too focused on exposition but I suppose that's understandable given the circumstances and characters during this chapter. Will have to read more later when I can give it my full attention.

Modifié par hot_heart, 13 juillet 2012 - 11:20 .

[lillitheris]

hot_heart wrote...

Continuing...

Moderately successful, he looked the remnants of his leg over for bleeding.
Really persnickety again, but I would put it as 'looked over'.

"Let's see if I can cut down the distance any for you if you do come back,"
Personal preference really, but I would put a comma before that second 'if'.

These two I slightly disagree with…the former I might yet change, but in the case of the second, I think I prefer the cadence of it without the comma. With the comma added, it feels like it overemphasizes the if aspect, if you see what I’m saying?

But this is wonderfully helpful, a big thank you for taking the time! I already got the fixes in :happy:

Overall, though, I'm liking it. Some of the dialogue feels a bit dry and a tad too focused on exposition but I suppose that's understandable given the circumstances and characters during this chapter. Will have to read more later when I can give it my full attention.

I’m glad to hear that! The first chapter is definitely the worst on exposition…I’ve been thinking about ways to avoid it, but the setup required would probably need a heavy restructuring of the events, and I just don’t have the time to do that So long as it’s not too bad…

The dryness is one of the things I’m sometimes worried about. As I said a bit earlier, I try to consciously avoid the badassery and quippiness…even though that seems to come naturally to me. So I try to make sure things are mostly more understated, but I probably overcorrect in some cases. Then, on the other hand, when I do go for badassery upon occasion, I wonder if it doesn’t stand out too much…

Writing’s hard, let’s go shopping!

Modifié par lillitheris, 13 juillet 2012 - 11:47 .

[noxiuniversitas1]

Not to change the subject (hrmm actually, I'm evidently changing it...), but I asked this in the Liara thread and thought I'd ask it here as well, too. How would you guys feel about a smut scene in a fic which previously had... Hrmm.. foreplay at the most? Do you think it would completely change the character of the story?

I ask because I've had a few readers request... intimacy scenes, lol. The scene(s) is in capable hands, so I'm not worried in that regard.

[noxiuniversitas1]

lillitheris wrote...

^ Good, thanks! Think I agree with each. I sometimes struggle with the numbers…the general rule is that <10 (or even <20) should always be written out, but sometimes it seems like it would be better as a number to indicate precision. In this case, it does pop out a little even visually, so mayhaps it’s better written…

I think the general rule is that single digits are spelt out, double+ are numerical.

[Drussius]

lillitheris wrote...

I’m glad to hear that! The first chapter is definitely the worst on exposition…I’ve been thinking about ways to avoid it, but the setup required would probably need a heavy restructuring of the events, and I just don’t have the time to do that So long as it’s not too bad…

The dryness is one of the things I’m sometimes worried about. As I said a bit earlier, I try to consciously avoid the badassery and quippiness…even though that seems to come naturally to me. So I try to make sure things are mostly more understated, but I probably overcorrect in some cases. Then, on the other hand, when I do go for badassery upon occasion, I wonder if it doesn’t stand out too much…

Writing’s hard, let’s go shopping!

I'm not sure what's so bad about exposition. It is definitely possible to get carried away with it, but if it's sparse enough that it helps to set an image in the mind properly, I'm not sure I see the downside. This may have something to do with my tendency to include exposition frequently, but still, details belong in narrative stories.

As to the second point, there is nothing wrong with either quippiness or badassery, imo, as long as they are done in moderation. Especially when your work is based around a game trilogy featuring the most ultimate squad of badasses ever! (I may be overstating things slightly, but given the record of Shepard and her team, how can you not consider them to be badass?)

[hot_heart]

lillitheris wrote...
in the case of the second, I think I prefer the cadence of it without the comma. With the comma added, it feels like it overemphasizes the if aspect, if you see what I’m saying?

Oh, I know what you mean. I'm not sure if there is a grammatical rule about separate clauses like that but I just go with what feels right, as I'm sure you do. Everyone has their own approach. In this instance, I just had to reread the line, and figured the italicised 'do' already emphasied the inflection in the dialogue, while the comma gave an appropriate pause before that.

Regarding the dialogue in general terms, I wouldn't take this chapter as being an overall representation, plus it's not a major thing. After all, these are effectively military personnel engaged in battle, so aren't going to be chatting it up unnecessarily. The main standout would be Kasumi. Though I can't vouch for knowing the character that well, I would've thought she'd be trying to reassure Mkawa more than explaining how she got there and how lucky he is.

Modifié par hot_heart, 13 juillet 2012 - 12:00 .

[Drussius]

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

lillitheris wrote...

^ Good, thanks! Think I agree with each. I sometimes struggle with the numbers…the general rule is that <10 (or even <20) should always be written out, but sometimes it seems like it would be better as a number to indicate precision. In this case, it does pop out a little even visually, so mayhaps it’s better written…

I think the general rule is that single digits are spelt out, double+ are numerical.

Is this the rule? I tend to spell out anything that's not a massive and complicated number.

"I saw forty-two of them."
"I'll pay you a thousand credits not to do that."
"I think she's about a hundred and fifty years old!"
"There are 87,942,437,652 distinct geth programs in this server."

This seems to work well for me.

[hot_heart]

Drussius wrote...
Is this the rule? I tend to spell out anything that's not a massive and complicated number.
This seems to work well for me.

Yeah, same for me.

Drussius wrote...
I'm not sure what's so bad about exposition. It is definitely possible to get carried away with it, but if it's
sparse enough that it helps to set an image in the mind properly, I'm not sure I see the downside. This may have something to do with my tendency to include exposition frequently, but still, details belong in narrative stories.

Oh, no, I agree. We're talking about too much exposition in the dialogue. Sometimes it just sits at odds with what the character might be saying. Where they're sort of narrating from outside, explaining events rather than speaking in the moment.

Modifié par hot_heart, 13 juillet 2012 - 12:09 .

[noxiuniversitas1]

Googled it

tbh I think as long as you don't write numerals for the single digits, and you don't go OTT with the longer numbers, it's fine. But it does appear as if numbers <10 are spelt, everything else is digits.

[Drussius]

I feel compelled to say that apparently the thought of publishing my first fictional work for public viewing is stressing me out more than I realized. I am going through chapter one, yet again, for another round of minor revisions, and I counted the number of previous drafts in the folder... This makes eleven... I have gone through this chapter eleven times! I must admit that I am now feeling a little paranoid.
The best part is that when someone reads it, they will inevitably point out at least a dozen gramatical errors even after I've combed through the chapter eleven times...

[Drussius]

hot_heart wrote...

Drussius wrote...
I'm not sure what's so bad about exposition. It is definitely possible to get carried away with it, but if it's
sparse enough that it helps to set an image in the mind properly, I'm not sure I see the downside. This may have something to do with my tendency to include exposition frequently, but still, details belong in narrative stories.

Oh, no, I agree. We're talking about too much exposition in the dialogue. Sometimes it just sits at odds with what the character might be saying. Where they're sort of narrating from outside, explaining events rather than speaking in the moment.

Ah. I missed the point of the discussion. I'd have to agree then that it could feel a little out-of-place.