9962 réponses à ce sujet

[Spiritwolf1]

Oh, anyone see the preview for the anime movie about James. While I don't hate the character the preview does nothing for me wanting to see it, the art is reto anime and the plot seems horrible. There are plenty of other stories I would have liked to seen, even in good anime over this one.

[Spiritwolf1]

One more spam:
Dr Shepard?



Sonic Omni

Modifié par Spiritwolf1, 16 juillet 2012 - 12:54 .

[hot_heart]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...
Heh, guess my last chapter fell through, not one review, ah well. On to the next.

I will get round to yours at some point. Though I just had a quick look at chapter one and the first couple of sentences do look a little unwieldy through repeated word usage or passive language.

The vehicle had come from nowhere. Liara watched as Shepard had narrowly escape the vehicle that had come for her, but Liara had missed seeing the one that came for her and barely escape it herself, but not without
injury.

Could be something like:

The vehicle had come out of nowhere. Liara had watched Shepard's narrow escape from the path of a tossed Mako, but had missed seeing the one that came for her. Barely escaping being crushed under the wreckage, she was not without injury.

Just a suggestion.

Modifié par hot_heart, 16 juillet 2012 - 02:15 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Yeah that opening sentence has always bugged me. I re worked it a few times and still never liked it. Thanks

[nitefyre410]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

Oh, anyone see the preview for the anime movie about James. While I don't hate the character the preview does nothing for me wanting to see it, the art is reto anime and the plot seems horrible. There are plenty of other stories I would have liked to seen, even in good anime over this one.

 

I tend not watch anime trailers because most are usually kinda bad  and the movie ends up better than the trailer anyway. 

I love Gundam 00 but the  trailer for  Gundam 00: A waking of the trailblazer... not good the movie...pretty damn good. 

Same with Macross Frontier; Wings of Goodbye... trailer was meh... the movie itself.. pretty damn good. 

So I'll wait to watch through my source's once its comes out  and then judge for myself. 

[Drussius]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Drussius wrote...

nitefyre410 wrote...

hot_heart wrote...

Have you ever had inspiration in odd places?

 

Honestly yeah  I have mostly other Sci-fi Universe's, right now my muses playing and revisting my child hood with  Mass Effect in the Macross Universe.  

Interesting things going on the with that... I tell you   

Oooo! Macross. I haven't seen those in ages! I have a sudden urge to dig through my attic and find my old anime video collection.

But darnit, I would have to buy a working VCR too

You're kdding. VCR??!   Macross dvds going for a song nowadays. .. well, erm, they used to. I haven't checked if they're still available.

... Minmei...Minmei .... gee, I don't think there's anyone in the ME universe that fit the bill.

Hey, I know I could repurchase all of my old anime on DVD (or most of it...), but I spent a FORTUNE building that collection back in the day. Why should I buy them all again? There's something like 900 tapes up there, all carefully packed away in boxes and sealed with plastic to keep them safe.

Edit: I feel very old thinking back on that... Saving up money from my paper route in junior high to mail-order a new tape every couple weeks. I was collecting anime before most people in my school even knew what anime was... I converted a ton of friends.

Modifié par Drussius, 16 juillet 2012 - 03:05 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Drussius wrote...

Hey, I know I could repurchase all of my old anime on DVD (or most of it...), but I spent a FORTUNE building that collection back in the day. Why should I buy them all again? There's something like 900 tapes up there, all carefully packed away in boxes and sealed with plastic to keep them safe.

Edit: I feel very old thinking back on that... Saving up money from my paper route in junior high to mail-order a new tape every couple weeks. I was collecting anime before most people in my school even knew what anime was... I converted a ton of friends.

I didn't collect anime but one of the first shows I really really liked was Battle of the Planet (Or G-force)

[Drussius]

I don't think I ever heard of that one. All of the anime I collected is fairly old... Like... 10-20 years old (god I'm old! ). And then more recently I've seen a bunch of the newer stuff in fansub format, but that was all stuff I watched online, not stuff I purchased.

...

Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits? I am happy to be learning what some of my current ones are thanks to everyone's kind feedback, but I spent the better part of the last year conquering my old bad habit (my love affair with the word "as"... It used to show up in my old stuff at least 500 times per chapter.) I have to make a conscious effort now not to use it... Here's an example of what my older stuff looked like... taken directly from an old story on my hard drive that I have never had the urge to rewrite in a better form. I'll highlight the staggering amount of "as"...

As Janith scanned the battle in the courtyard below him, he realized that there was no end to the tide of squat green forms that were assaulting the lines. He raised the horn to his lips as his men started to fall back beneath the onslaught. The ranks started to break as the horn sounded, and as he watched the discipline of his men crumble at the sound of the retreat, he frowned. He leapt from the battlement to the roof of the stable in the below, drawing his sword in one fluid motion as he fell.

That's five in one paragraph. Over the course of a story, that used to add up fast!

Edit: And that's excluding the missing word at the end... He jumped from the battlement to the roof of the stable in the what below? I probably meant to put courtyard there, since my repeated word use is a new problem I need to keep an eye on. Using "courtyard" twice in one paragraph is probably right

Modifié par Drussius, 16 juillet 2012 - 03:33 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Drussius wrote...

I don't think I ever heard of that one. All of the anime I collected is fairly old... Like... 10-20 years old (god I'm old! ). And then more recently I've seen a bunch of the newer stuff in fansub format, but that was all stuff I watched online, not stuff I purchased.

...

Not that I want to age myself but Battle of the planets goes back further then 10-20 years (1978)

Modifié par Spiritwolf1, 16 juillet 2012 - 03:54 .

[hot_heart]

Drussius wrote...
Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits?

Oh, man. I wish someone would help me with my bad habits as I probably only catch the most obvious ones. Fortunately, no one seems to have any such complaints with my writing...so far.

I have to be careful about the constant use of 'but' and 'though', sometimes opting for 'yet' and 'however' if possible. Though I use it all the time, everywhere else. [smilie]http://social.bioware.com/images/forum/emoticons/tongue.png[/smilie] Perhaps some of my writing, dialogue in particular, is too terse. And I'd like to steer away from 'two person scenes' but I don't think that really works for my current story where a certain loneliness (and underlying hostility) is part of the overall feel.

I think when I read your chapter, the only real standout were a few sentences with a lot of 'and'. That's all fixed now anyway.

Modifié par hot_heart, 16 juillet 2012 - 03:41 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Drussius wrote...


Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits? I am happy to be learning what some of my current ones are thanks to everyone's kind feedback, but I spent the better part of the last year conquering my old bad habit (my love affair with the word "as"... It used to show up in my old stuff at least 500 times per chapter.) I have to make a conscious effort now not to use it... Here's an example of what my older stuff looked like... taken directly from an old story on my hard drive that I have never had the urge to rewrite in a better form. I'll highlight the staggering amount of "as"...

As Janith scanned the battle in the courtyard below him, he realized that there was no end to the tide of squat green forms that were assaulting the lines. He raised the horn to his lips as his men started to fall back beneath the onslaught. The ranks started to break as the horn sounded, and as he watched the discipline of his men crumble at the sound of the retreat, he frowned. He leapt from the battlement to the roof of the stable in the below, drawing his sword in one fluid motion as he fell.

That's five in one paragraph. Over the course of a story, that used to add up fast!

Edit: And that's excluding the missing word at the end... He jumped from the battlement to the roof of the stable in the what below? I probably meant to put courtyard there, since my repeated word use is a new problem I need to keep an eye on. Using "courtyard" twice in one paragraph is probably right

I have the as has had problem and I fight with run on sentences and I am sure there are more I am not aware of. However except for small gramar errors no one has really pointed out things I could do to better my writing.

[IliyaMoroumetz]

lillitheris wrote...

I got lucky, in that I decided to start off in the middle of the action — and didn’t need that much setup, since it should be familiar from the game.

In addition to that, I intentionally keep the hectic action going all the way to ~Chapter 9 or so, with the pace gradually slowing down as things settle. The idea is that this should work as a narrative device to impart at least some of the chaos of the first few hours.

Doing it this way does seem to be a double-edged sword: someone mentioned there could actually be a room for a ‘breather’ somewhere inbetween, because there really is no rest until the characters start being able to rest themselves. Chapter 4 is kind of a lull, but it’s very short, so the voracious reader will blaze straight through it, too.

*snip*

I took a very quick look — I think I’ve read a chapter or two earlier — and I don’t think it’s too bad at all. You do have a lot of exposition, which itself isn’t a problem…what I think might be one is that it feels a little impersonal. So, I think primarily:

– Try to shift the narration closer to Kelly. Right now, many of the lines sound like explained by someone removed from her, an outside observer, where I think it’d work coming more from her perspective. It’s a bit hard to explain what I mean, so perhaps at least thinking about the next point might get you in the ‘right’ direction.

– You could add a bit of action before the exposition — so, have Kelly meet the Commander right off the bat, and then cue the expo off from that meeting. You can, for example, link the talk about her ruthlessness to the impression Kelly gets (confirming or diverging); you can link the description of her death and recovery to her physical state; you can link Kelly’s hiring process to maybe seeing/knowing who Jacob/Miranda are.

I’ll try come up with a more coherent example at some point…hopefully you can sort of see what I mean about the perspective, though.

This is exactly what I was looking for.  Thank you!

[Drussius]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

Drussius wrote...

I don't think I ever heard of that one. All of the anime I collected is fairly old... Like... 10-20 years old (god I'm old! ). And then more recently I've seen a bunch of the newer stuff in fansub format, but that was all stuff I watched online, not stuff I purchased.

...

Not that I want to age myself but Battle of the planets goes back further then 10-20 years (1978)

Ah. Then it was slightly before the stuff I collected and watched. Which is another period of anime I would have had little exposure to.

Edit: Slightly, but not much. I think Akira was also around that time, which was the very first subtitled anime I ever saw, and the one that hooked me on the genre.

hot_heart wrote...

Drussius wrote...
Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits?

Oh, man. I wish someone would help me with my bad habits as I probably only catch the most obvious ones. Fortunately, no one seems to have any such complaints with my writing...so far.

I have to be careful about the constant use of 'but' and 'though', sometimes opting for 'yet' and 'however' if possible. Though I use it all the time, everywhere else. Perhaps some of my writing, dialogue in particular, is too terse. And I'd like to steer away from 'two person scenes' but I don't think that really works for my current story where a certain loneliness (and underlying hostility) is part of the overall feel.

I think when I read your chapter, the only real standout were a few sentences with a lot of 'and'. That's all fixed now anyway.

I look forward to getting to your story. I'm all caught up on lill's, and currently about halfway through Nova et Vetera. Yours is on my list to check out. When I do, maybe I'll be able to point out a thing or two to help.

And you're right about "and." As "as" became my focus and I tried to work it out of my writing, several other words started to show up. I am doing my best in edits to mix up the language as much as possible, but I do notice myself making changes to remove certain words frequently. I still have to change "as" sometimes, and also "and," "then," and "had."

Edit: Now that I think of it, since I got rid of overuse of one word and three cropped up, If I get rid of overuse of those three in favor of three apiece instead, I'll have a nice, non-repetetive mix!

Modifié par Drussius, 16 juillet 2012 - 04:31 .

[hot_heart]

Drussius wrote...
I look forward to getting to your story. I'm all caught up on lill's, and currently about halfway through Nova et Vetera. Yours is on my list to check out. When I do, maybe I'll be able to point out a thing or two to help.

Edit: Now that I think of it, since I got rid of overuse of one word and three cropped up, If I get rid of overuse of those three in favor of three apiece instead, I'll have a nice, non-repetetive mix!

I look forward to it.

And, yeah, the trick is to set up a rotation.

[Icyflare]

Drussius wrote...

I was collecting anime before most people in my school even knew what anime was...

Are you hipstering anime?

As for bad writing habits, I used to have one of over-describing stuff, but after a brief month of trying to write in minimalistic style, that's really no longer an issue. My issue now is clunky, ugly sentences that I have to pretty up.

Ex: The jewelry store clerk was patient and sympathetic. She presented her hands and asked him if they were similar in size to his girlfriend's. Shepard blushed hard at this point. He asked if he could hold them to check. He could see her trying to stifle her laughter, but she had agreed. To his amazement and embarrassment, they were a perfect match to Emily’s. He had used the clerk's hands to model the items he wanted. She went along with it kindly.

Or maybe it's still an issue, and now I don't have pretty wording to brighten it up.

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Drussius wrote...

Hey, I know I could repurchase all of my old anime on DVD (or most of it...), but I spent a FORTUNE building that collection back in the day. Why should I buy them all again? There's something like 900 tapes up there, all carefully packed away in boxes and sealed with plastic to keep them safe.

Omg, I trashed all my tapes when they started showing tons of fungi. However, the VCR player went out first.  Hence, I saw no point to try to keep the tapes.

On bad writing habits, I have a tendency to repeat some lines in the following paragraphs. Brain not working at the moment but I think I also tend to use 'though' alot. Also tried to curb that.

[Drussius]

Icyflare wrote...

Drussius wrote...

I was collecting anime before most people in my school even knew what anime was...

Are you hipstering anime?

As for bad writing habits, I used to have one of over-describing stuff, but after a brief month of trying to write in minimalistic style, that's really no longer an issue. My issue now is clunky, ugly sentences that I have to pretty up.

Ex: The jewelry store clerk was patient and sympathetic. She presented her hands and asked him if they were similar in size to his girlfriend's. Shepard blushed hard at this point. He asked if he could hold them to check. He could see her trying to stifle her laughter, but she had agreed. To his amazement and embarrassment, they were a perfect match to Emily’s. He had used the clerk's hands to model the items he wanted. She went along with it kindly.

Or maybe it's still an issue, and now I don't have pretty wording to brighten it up.

I don't think anything I've ever done could be considered "hip"...

As for your example, it looks okay to me except for the last two sentences. I might have done something more like "She kindly indulged him, modelling the items he selected until he found what he wanted."

[Drussius]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Drussius wrote...

Hey, I know I could repurchase all of my old anime on DVD (or most of it...), but I spent a FORTUNE building that collection back in the day. Why should I buy them all again? There's something like 900 tapes up there, all carefully packed away in boxes and sealed with plastic to keep them safe.

Omg, I trashed all my tapes when they started showing tons of fungi. However, the VCR player went out first.  Hence, I saw no point to try to keep the tapes.

On bad writing habits, I have a tendency to repeat some lines in the following paragraphs. Brain not working at the moment but I think I also tend to use 'though' alot. Also tried to curb that.

The repeating of lines happens to me too. I just finished cleaning up a section of my third chapter where I mentioned in three consecutive paragraphs that it was "not the first time Zaeed had been to this planet," with minor variations

[dpMeggers]

Drussius wrote...

Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits?

I think my worst habit is run-on sentences, which is new. Granted I've never really written fiction before so that might have something to do with it.

I also have an unfortunate habit of accidentally leaving out words (eg: If haven't got plans vs. If you haven't got plans) and having my brain fill them in when I edit. 

As for words I overuse: also is probably the biggest offender.

Having said that, (another phrase I seem to be fond of) my struggle is more with writing than with writing badly. I have a bit of a poor visual imagination so I have a hard time describing things. I don't know how much detail people need because I don't visualize things when I'm reading.

To counter this with a slightly more upbeat question, what about your writing comes easiest to you?

For me, dialogue & character interaction. I can't tell you what the room they're in looks like, how their spacecraft functions, or what the layout of their hometown is, but I can tell you exactly what they think of the place and the people they're with, be that good or bad.

[IliyaMoroumetz]

I have a nasty habit of repeating myself redundantly.

[Drussius]

dpMeggers wrote...

Drussius wrote...

Completely different note, but how many people here struggle with bad writing habits?

I think my worst habit is run-on sentences, which is new. Granted I've never really written fiction before so that might have something to do with it.

I also have an unfortunate habit of accidentally leaving out words (eg: If haven't got plans vs. If you haven't got plans) and having my brain fill them in when I edit. 

As for words I overuse: also is probably the biggest offender.

Having said that, (another phrase I seem to be fond of) my struggle is more with writing than with writing badly. I have a bit of a poor visual imagination so I have a hard time describing things. I don't know how much detail people need because I don't visualize things when I'm reading.

To counter this with a slightly more upbeat question, what about your writing comes easiest to you?

For me, dialogue & character interaction. I can't tell you what the room they're in looks like, how their spacecraft functions, or what the layout of their hometown is, but I can tell you exactly what they think of the place and the people they're with, be that good or bad.

Imagination is the one part of the writing process that works well for me, though I do struggle sometimes to put into words what I see in my mind (I have a section of the ship I was trying to describe in chapter five of my story, and I still can't figure out how to describe in words the vision I have in my head). I seem to be the opposite of the way you say you are in that regard. When I read, I visualize the scene in my head, sometimes quite vividly.

I am actually dialing back some of my descriptive elements A LOT in my more current writing. I was actually going to pose a question a few days back about just how much detail my fellow writers like (when reading) to help them visualize the scene.

For example, my modus operandi in my private work over the years was to describe each major character in exhaustive detail when introducing them, from the shape of their body to the fine details of their face... the cut of their hair, the clothing they wore, the way they were standing, the tone of their voice, scars, tattoos, etc... Reading back on some of it, I find it horribly excessive. So I've dialed it back a lot with my current story, giving little details here and there instead (like the color of Neela's vest and the trim on her hood, or the orange markings on Prathus's face in my current story), and leaving the reader to fill in other details as they like.

I do seem to have a problem with narrative bits rearing their heads in my dialogue, as people have recently pointed out to me. It interferes with the flow a bit. Which is why I am going through my unpublished chapters now and trying to clean up the dialogue and shift narrative elements to narrative text instead.

I think this makes about edit 6,734 for my various chapters..

[lillitheris]

dpMeggers wrote...

To counter this with a slightly more upbeat question, what about your writing comes easiest to you?

For me, dialogue & character interaction. I can't tell you what the room they're in looks like, how their spacecraft functions, or what the layout of their hometown is, but I can tell you exactly what they think of the place and the people they're with, be that good or bad.

Likely the same, I can’t tell from ‘within’

I certainly do not spend much time describing locales, I do notice now that you mention it. I think, anyway. Mainly just the relevant bits, and I feel like I kind of have to make myself give more detail about rooms and such. Of course, I’ve only really got a few locations thus far anyway…

[hot_heart]

OK, drawing a blank here. Is there a slang/shorthand name for a gun without a serial number? I figured some of you yanks might know.

Otherwise, feel free to invent some, and if they sound reasonable, I may use them.

Modifié par hot_heart, 16 juillet 2012 - 08:05 .

[Drussius]

I don't know of any shorthand name for it off the top of my head. It comes up frequently in the crime dramas I like, but they always just mention that the "serial number was filed off" or something to that effect.

You could always refer to it as black-market weaponry. Just a suggestion.

[hot_heart]

Yeah, I used to watch a few, which is why I thought I could remember a term.

The blackmarket thing is definitely the alternative option, and I've used it in earlier chapters. I was just going for the film noir feel, so I wanted a snappier term, especially since this time it's spoken.