9962 réponses à ce sujet

[Obsidian Gryphon]

hot_heart wrote...

Gah, I always do this. I write about four lines of dialogue and then spend half an hour tweaking it, rearranging it or just outright deleting other bits here and there. Especially when it's fairly overt exposition.

Anyone else get that problem?

Moments of tweaking come when I read over what I have put down for the chapter, trying to get the flow going. I also do it for finished / published chapters.

On plot. I have no blueprint to follow. I'm just going where my images are telling me to go. So far, I have yet to change anything.

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 18 juillet 2012 - 12:37 .

[Spiritwolf1]

I usually have a bit of an idea of where I want to go but not much on how to get there. With FF its easy cause backgrounds are usually already there. I'm going to work on something I wrote as a kid but a little more mature so Im going to do a lot of history work on it first

[Seracen]

Drussius wrote...

And now, a question of characterization that I'd like some opinions on:

I have a scene involving a conversation with a volus. It starts with a line currently written like this:

"Greetings, Thessia-clan. You... must be Miss Nisaria," the volus greeted her, his statement broken by the hiss of his suit's breathing apparatus when he paused for breath.

After that, I keep inserting the "..." for the pauses in his speech, because it was the only way I could come up with to illustrate the way the volus always spoke in the game. But I'm not sure it conveys the right image or not. Does it work like that? Should I even bother? Is there a clearer way to highlight volus speech mannerisms? Thoughts?

Edited: Because for some reason it removed all my line breaks! Now they're back...

I think the ellipses work best.  But you could potentially use brackets to separate the words for taking a breath (huff, wheeze, etc).

[Seracen]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

hot_heart wrote...

Gah, I always do this. I write about four lines of dialogue and then spend half an hour tweaking it, rearranging it or just outright deleting other bits here and there. Especially when it's fairly overt exposition.

Anyone else get that problem?

Moments of tweaking come when I read over what I have put down for the chapter, trying to get the flow going. I also do it for finished / published chapters.

On plot. I have no blueprint to follow. I'm just going where my images are telling me to go. So far, I have yet to change anything.

Heck, I still like to edit and tweak stuff months after writing it, assuming I can still do so.  I even completely reworked a short story that was pretty abysmal (to be fair, written a longer time ago even before my edit).

As artists, I suppose we can't help but try to improve.  Still, it takes an external force, like our readers, and the fans, to be able to look at something and say "stop, that's enough, too much, or not enough."  Otherwise, we, being so involved with how it is in our heads, can't help but ruin the piece from overworking it.

But yeah, I am sitll tweaking my ME3 fic, which I've long since posted.  I doubt I'll upload the update, barring as a blanket PDF at deviantart. 

[Seracen]

So, I've asked this question before, but I'd like clarification.

How do we feel about hair on female Batarians? I've come across several concepts done by fans, and I like the idea of dreads or mohawks on female Batarians. And, factoring in the extra eyes, I suppose the extra pair of mammaries is plausible, I figure Batarian males have quads, like Krogan.

Still, the only think I intend to address is the hair, as it's more pertinent.

[Spiritwolf1]

It's up to you but picturing a Batarian, female and with hair really bring up images that I can't get out of my head now. (Dont ask me why but every time I think of it I image Sid the Sloth)

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Perhaps like the Asari markings, they're not uniform? Meaning each Batarian female has her own, well, hair style.   To attract the males.

[Drussius]

I thought someone somewhere said that aside from humans, quarians were the only race with actual hair. Although it might have been an observation rather than a matter of lore. I'm not really sure. But I have a hard time picturing a batarian with hair.

[Seracen]

Yeah, I think I'll go with the vibe that Shepard remarks on ONE Batarian where he can't tell if it's a prosthesis or not, and figures it would be bad form to ask her.

Having said that, links to my inspiration for a Batarian female...



And the two with hair (nude portraits, so links instead)

Deviant Art - Mohawk

Tumblir - Dreads

EDIT: Also, to be fair, it's the future.  I'm sure that there are all sorts of ways for individuals to have hair, or strange colored hair, which wouldn't occur naturally.  Beyond hair dyes and such I mean.  This is how I explain away some of the wilder hair colors for Shepard, engineering vs cosmetics.

Modifié par Seracen, 18 juillet 2012 - 06:30 .

[Icyflare]

Those pictures are nicely done, but a thing that might help with the batarian hair idea is to consider evolutionary purposes. Humans, and quarians I'm guessing, evolved hair for the primary reason of having protection against natural hazards (cold, sand). Helping to attract mates would probably be a secondary purpose while absorbing odors and sweat in certain areas to keep them clean would be one as well. I could be wrong about this, since I only know the first two reasons to be true so feel free to correct me.  Anyways, you may wish to consider the environment the batarians evolved out of if the info exists to help judge whether hair is a feasible idea.

There's also the social factor as well. Humans are probably largely associated with hair. If the batarian females didn't have hair and wanted to it implanted cosmetically there might be some stigma attached to having human-like hair since the batarians aren't that fond of us =/

Modifié par Icyflare, 18 juillet 2012 - 08:04 .

[lillitheris]

I don’t recall if this came up before, but lore definitively says that only humans and quarians have proper hair. In that light, I’d go more with the look in the inline image—though maybe adjust slightly to avoid too much divergence from the male of the species.

But, again, that said…I don’t think it’s the biggest deal. You would have to explain (to yourself at least, not necessarily in text) why only the females have hair.

Just go with whichever you like.

[Obsidian Gryphon]

That female Batarain looked sexy.   Actually, she has human like features, which is odd. If the males are so dang ugly, I doubt their females would appeal based on looks (to humans) alone.  

On hair. if not hair, markings perhaps? Batarians males have different coloured markings on the tops of their heads.

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

I could do with a beta reading of a chapter. I have just started writing like this. I've only ever written a story for school work when I was a kid. If you wish to help I'll PM you a chapter.
I'm looking for input on whether the characters fit, the use of tense and the flow of the story. Any help will be appreciated. =)

[Spiritwolf1]

I like the dread but why make it hair, do the predator thing where its well like tube things, yeah Im not the most techy person in the world. Maybe mix it with a headdress as well

Modifié par Spiritwolf1, 18 juillet 2012 - 12:37 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

^ You know, that's the meanest and ugliest SOB I've ever seen.  I don't think I want to see a Batarian female.

Very OT.  I think I managed to link up with IllyaM (can't spell the back name) on MP yesterday. Did London with only 3 and I was playing the N7 Slayer (trying to figure out how the toon work). London is a lousy map to play. Too open. That said, we wiped at wave 10.  

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 18 juillet 2012 - 12:47 .

[lillitheris]

@xIxDarkWolfxIx: if you have a public URL, that’d be even better. I can’t promise I have time to read, but if it’s available somewhere, I might.

…

Apparently there was some issue with the Remember Me option in FFN logins…it’s supposedly fixed now.

[Spiritwolf1]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

^ You know, that's the meanest and ugliest SOB I've ever seen.  I don't think I want to see a Batarian female.

I kinda though he was cute

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

There is the link to a Google Doc containing my first Chapter.
Honest feedback please. =)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zo52fk20Bv2gsZrbINXcea5tRSl33exajkdVOLOopck/edit

Modifié par xIxDarkWolfxIx, 18 juillet 2012 - 02:14 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

There is the link to a Google Doc containing my first Chapter.
Honest feedback please. =)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zo52fk20Bv2gsZrbINXcea5tRSl33exajkdVOLOopck/edit

Just my 2 pennies. The others can afford a bill.

Grammatical errors.  You have to decide whether you want to narrate in the past or present tense. As it is, they're mixed up.

Could use more adjectives?
Example : the sound of a Reaper descended upon the forest.
Perhaps you could describe what sound it is. Rumbling, thunder, etc.

(Sentence reconstruction)
Example : “Huh? Yeah I guess it has. What’s happening?” Shepard clearly showing signs of elevated stress.

to maybe ...

“Huh? Yeah I guess it has. What’s happening?” Shepard gulped in deep breaths in an effort to still a frantic heart and limbs trembling from his exhausting run. (and so on)

As it is, it's choppy. Too, there is a tendency to keep using names. If there are only two in the dialogue/paragraphs, pronouns would be better.

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 18 juillet 2012 - 03:12 .

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

There is the link to a Google Doc containing my first Chapter.
Honest feedback please. =)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zo52fk20Bv2gsZrbINXcea5tRSl33exajkdVOLOopck/edit

Just my 2 pennies. The others can afford a bill.

Grammatical errors.  You have to decide whether you want to narrate in the past or present tense. As it is, they're mixed up.

Could use more adjectives?
Example : the sound of a Reaper descended upon the forest.
Perhaps you could describe what sound it is. Rumbling, thunder, etc.

(Sentence reconstruction)
Example : “Huh? Yeah I guess it has. What’s happening?” Shepard clearly showing signs of elevated stress.

to maybe ...

“Huh? Yeah I guess it has. What’s happening?” Shepard gulped in deep breaths in an effort to still a frantic heart and limbs trembling from his exhausting run. (and so on)

As it is, it's choppy. Too, there is a tendency to keep using names. If there are only two in the dialogue/paragraphs, pronouns would be better.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll work at it. 

[Rick Lewis]

I did read some of the responses that I did get (here and on another thread) and so far the advice seems to be "make it your own". I do have a very long plot outline and I plan on writing about something that has (to the best of my knowledge) never been done in the Mass Effect Universe. I was merely looking to add in some fan service such a cameos from in game characters.

I'll keep in touch at any rate. I also plan on getting back to work on a Aliens vs Predator fanfic as well.

[fainmaca]

Hey guys.
I was away from my keyboard over the weekend, so I've kind of fallen behind on both this board and my writing. Will try to catch up, if RL will give me a break any time soon.
In the meantime, if any of you have the spare time I could do with somebody having a read of chapter 46 of my fic and then participating in the poll at the end of the chapter. Kind of at a stalemate right now, and I could do with somebody breaking the tie.
If you have a chance, the chapter is here, and the poll can be found here.

P.S. Any reviews that can be left would be greatly appreciated. Really hurting for some critiques of my work.

Fainmaca out.

[fainmaca]

I also just noticed the discussion on Batarian women above. In my most recent chapter, I had to write about one. I tried to keep the description vague enough that readers could develop their own ideas of what she looked like, but also gave enough details to give a general gist of her appearance.

This is what I went with:

A slight figure stepped through the door, walking slowly with the short, wide-barrelled pistol still held in a firm grasp. Shepard's eyes widened as he realised that he was looking at a Batarian woman. She wasn't the first Batarian female he had seen, but he'd never seen one performing any kind of military action. It seemed as though the Hegemony considered women beneath such occupations, something that didn't sit well with the rest of the galactic community.

This particular specimen stood at about five and a half feet, her body shapely and toned. Four glimmering red eyes stared at the Commander and his allies with barely concealed menace. Her Batarian features were somewhat softer than those of the males, host to their own strange kind of beauty, and her skin was a vibrant yellow, tinged with brown, complemented by the sheer black combat armour she wore, red highlights running along its seams. As she stepped forward, Etarn gasped.

[lillitheris]

Rick Lewis wrote...

I did read some of the responses that I did get (here and on another thread) and so far the advice seems to be "make it your own". I do have a very long plot outline and I plan on writing about something that has (to the best of my knowledge) never been done in the Mass Effect Universe.

That sounds good, go for it.

I was merely looking to add in some fan service such a cameos from in game characters.

I’d advise sticking to whatever fits with the story…don’t bring in people just to bring them in. You’ll need to decide how big a role they play and so on.

If you want specific characterization help, that I think we can do—or you can hit the relevant thread on the Character & Romance forum.

…

Incidentally, I just noticed that I have to have a volus speak in this segment, so I guess I’ll be test-driving the –hiss–

Modifié par lillitheris, 18 juillet 2012 - 08:16 .

[Drussius]

lillitheris wrote...

Incidentally, I just noticed that I have to have a volus speak in this segment, so I guess I’ll be test-driving the –hiss–

I already added it to my Chapter Four. It reads better than the elipses I think. Elipses mid-sentence were just a little awkward. Not terrible, but a little bit.