9962 réponses à ce sujet

[Theodoro]

Hey, guys!
I've been reading this thread a lot to get useful information to improve as a writer. I have written a few fan fiction stories, but I want to share the latest ones specifically:
Life in the Skies & Lost in a Wonder
They both provide glimpses of Shepard & Liara's post-Reaper war lives on Thessia as bondmates. If anybody is interested, I would really appreciate if you gave them a look and share your thoughts on the stories. Thank you in advance and for keeping this thread such a helpful source for aspiring writers like me.
I'll be away for a few days so my response to any comments will be delayed a bit.

[lillitheris]

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

Okay. I didn't want to rush into this. I especially didn't want the start to be 'explosions evrywhere'. I kind of wanted it to be slow. This story isn't meant to be an epic tale. It is simply meant to fill in the gaps between ME2 and ME3, which is, other than arrival, pretty dull. 
However I understand and I will try to add further excitment. I have plans involving gangs, cerberus and the stupid council as well as Arrival etc. So hopefully things will look up. Thanks, for taking your time to read and review it. =)

I took a quick look, and agree to a degree: you could combine the content into longer chapters. I think it might mostly be helpful in giving you a guideline for structuring the text to have a single larger ‘point’ per chapter.

Explosions certainly aren’t necessary (be mindful of overcorrecting), and starting out slow is fine. You’d just want to at least hint at possibilities in the future to sow that seed of interest.

[Ursakar]

Has anyone else ever suffered from a same 'disease' I seem to be suffering at the moment?

I'm more creative when I'm at work trying to write during whatever free time I have then when I'm at home. Two days ago I was at home and I've written only 400 words. Yesterday I was working and I've managed to write down almost a 1000 words.

How weird is that?

[JadeDragonMTR]

lillitheris wrote...

Seracen wrote...

PS: Seriously, nobody else is WORTHY of pairing up with ANY of the LI's except Shep.  In some characters' cases, this is really depressing for them.

This is actually a semi-problem not with just the LIs but the rest of the cast… realistically speaking, out of the crew of 30-40 people, there would be maybe 3-4 pairs that would end up more than temporary stress relief.

On one hand, people prefer to see pairings of familiar characters…but that gets silly at some point. So, on the other, you’re left with three other options for each character that you write:

– Don’t write any romantic involvement. Especially for a post-fic, this may be emotionally unsatisfying.

– Refer to a relationship obliquely, purposely leaving the partner outside happenings in the inner circle. This is hard to do with the correct balance of establishing there is a relationship, but not really exploring it.

– Make an OC out of the partner, and bring them in in some capacity. Either a ‘guest star’ part with occasional run-ins, or properly as part of the crew.

I fell squarely into the third option you listed here. I gave Kaidan an OC since my fshep is romancing Liara. Feels bad for the guy. He deserves something.

Question:

What do you think about giving Shepard a first name? Before I wrote my story, I've always thought it's disctracting when read a story with a different first name for Shepard than my own. So I haven't given my Shep a first name even though I have 13 chapters published with 2 more in the works. But it now feels naked without giving her a name.

It'd be great to hear your thoughts on this.

Jade.

Modifié par JadeDragonMTR, 20 juillet 2012 - 06:44 .

[enayasoul]

I pretty much felt I needed to have a name for my maleshep... he's romancing Miranda so why wouldn't Miranda be using his first name. I left his name almost the same as the default but changed how it's spelled. "Jon" short for Jonathan. I tend to only use "Jon" when they are alone together or being intimate with each other. Other wise it's Shepard. Or Commander Shepard when they flirt with each other.

[fluffywalrus]

JadeDragonMTR wrote...

Questions:

What do you think about giving Shepard a first name? Before I wrote my story, I've always thought it's disctracting when read a story with a different first name for Shepard than my own. So I haven't given my Shep a first name even though I have 13 chapters published with 2 more in the works. But it now feels naked without giving her a name.

It'd be great to hear your thoughts on this.

Jade.

I think giving Shepard a first name helps cement that Shepard as unique, IMO. Just my opinion, though. I read Mass Effect fan-fiction primarily to read good stories, and secondarily to see how others interpreted Shepard. I like reading about all the different Shepards people have come up with.

That said, there are a lot of people out there who dislike naming Shepard, and cannot take stories with named Shepards seriously because it hurts the immersion. I've heard some feedback saying that by naming my Shepard, and utilizing her first name, I'm preventing them from reading, because it means my Shepard is not their Shepard.
Of course, this is also true. I think there are more than two camps out there, but I'd say those are the two main ones, and they're both legitimate.

Just depends on what you feel is necessary. If you don't want to name your Shepard because you feel it might distract others, no worries. That's your call to make. Mine got a name because I wrote a small backstory for her at the character creation screen in mass effect 1. She's been alive to me ever since. Yet, one of my friends never remembers his Shepard's name because to him, Shepard is Shepard, and that's it. Might as well have a name of Shepard Shepard.

So yeah, your call.

Theodoro wrote...

Hey, guys!
I've been reading this
thread a lot to get useful information to improve as a writer. I have
written a few fan fiction stories, but I want to share the latest ones
specifically:
Life in the Skies & Lost in a Wonder
They
both provide glimpses of Shepard & Liara's post-Reaper war lives on
Thessia as bondmates. If anybody is interested, I would really
appreciate if you gave them a look and share your thoughts on the
stories. Thank you in advance and for keeping this thread such a helpful
source for aspiring writers like me.
I'll be away for a few days so my response to any comments will be delayed a bit.

Just going to promote Theodoro's works here. Really, really nice writing in these fics. Thessia's environment is expanded on, and IMO becomes alive in the one-shots. Very rare that I ever debate on whether to consider fanfic-material canon, but this vision of Thessia (at least parts of it) has really drilled itself into my "head-canon".

Really great stuff here.

Modifié par fluffywalrus, 20 juillet 2012 - 04:48 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

klarabella wrote...

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...
My take on Incendiery is that the target gets burnt, on the surface. What about cryo? I don't think it froze the internal organs? Frozen targets always explode when hit because it's a game but I'm not sure how that would translate into a story?

It gets stuck, then freezes the surface around it. Very painful if it meets skin, cells are severely damaged, leaving huge gaping, freely bleeding wounds. Armor surface suffers structural damage and is bound to crack open on further impact. Highly frowned upon weapon mod.

Something like that?

That is the most likely effect I'm thinking of.   Too, the target wouldn't shatter. I think the main purpose of cryo is to freeze-frame  the opponent and then you can shoot him anywhere you like.

My question was directed at Drussius because in chapter 2, the batarian who was hit by cryo was described as shattering into pieces.

[Drussius]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

klarabella wrote...

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...
My take on Incendiery is that the target gets burnt, on the surface. What about cryo? I don't think it froze the internal organs? Frozen targets always explode when hit because it's a game but I'm not sure how that would translate into a story?

It gets stuck, then freezes the surface around it. Very painful if it meets skin, cells are severely damaged, leaving huge gaping, freely bleeding wounds. Armor surface suffers structural damage and is bound to crack open on further impact. Highly frowned upon weapon mod.

Something like that?

That is the most likely effect I'm thinking of.   Too, the target wouldn't shatter. I think the main purpose of cryo is to freeze-frame  the opponent and then you can shoot him anywhere you like.

My question was directed at Drussius because in chapter 2, the batarian who was hit by cryo was described as shattering into pieces.

In the section you're talking about, it was intended to be a cryo-blast, not cryo ammo... Illitha mentions a paragraph or two down that she never used her omni's combat software before and she was glad it worked. And the shattering was because Aida used a biotic throw on him once he was frozen. I believe I said something like..

She focused her energy, forming a small orb of biotic force, and she hurled it at her fallen foe. He shattered into innumerable pieces, his frozen body annihilated by the force of the blow.
 
I'll take a look at it when I get a chance and see if I think it can be clarified somehow.

Edit: Sorry for taking so long to respond to the question. I basically published the Chapter and went straight to bed.

Modifié par Drussius, 20 juillet 2012 - 05:52 .

[lillitheris]

JadeDragonMTR wrote...

What do you think about giving Shepard a first name? Before I wrote my story, I've always thought it's disctracting when read a story with a different first name for Shepard than my own. So I haven't given my Shep a first name even though I have 13 chapters published with 2 more in the works. But it now feels naked without giving her a name.

I generally associate the avoidance of naming Shepard as an attempt to keep him or her generic. Reposting from a couple pages back, since I’m lazy:

Re: Shepardness: I can’t personally imagine writing a Generic Shepard.  It can and has been done, certainly, but I find that they often come across a little…well, generic. There needs to be a lot of emphasis on the rest of the cast if your Shepard isn’t as developed. Additionally, I think that in this case, the risk of making missteps  with choices is far higher. If you try to convince people that you have a Joe-Every Shepard, then people will be more likely to expect to be able to insert themselves—so if Shepard picks ‘wrong’, then their immersion is broken. (Or so I imagine, at least, if they avoid non-generic Shepards because of that:P.)

So, personally, I think that the unapologetically personal Shepard is the way to go. You may turn off some readers, but most people will approach it as Some Other Character  rather than associate it with their own Shepard, and thereby give you lots more freedom.

Modifié par lillitheris, 20 juillet 2012 - 06:38 .

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

lillitheris wrote...

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

Okay. I didn't want to rush into this. I especially didn't want the start to be 'explosions evrywhere'. I kind of wanted it to be slow. This story isn't meant to be an epic tale. It is simply meant to fill in the gaps between ME2 and ME3, which is, other than arrival, pretty dull. 
However I understand and I will try to add further excitment. I have plans involving gangs, cerberus and the stupid council as well as Arrival etc. So hopefully things will look up. Thanks, for taking your time to read and review it. =)

I took a quick look, and agree to a degree: you could combine the content into longer chapters. I think it might mostly be helpful in giving you a guideline for structuring the text to have a single larger ‘point’ per chapter.

Explosions certainly aren’t necessary (be mindful of overcorrecting), and starting out slow is fine. You’d just want to at least hint at possibilities in the future to sow that seed of interest.

I plan on making all my chapters at least 2,000 words from now on. It ensures I add detail and keep the plot moving which should, hopefully, keep people interested. Now I just need to use more adjectives/adverbs in my work. 

[hot_heart]

Told you, you need a stronger hook.

Since I'm goddamn stuck on my story and I don't want to be bothering people for help (because then I'll spoil it), I think I'll grab a tea and lookover yours and Drussius', and see if I can help.

[MrStoob]

I love it when a plan comes together ^^

#Redemption spoiler below#

I'd been waiting for Redemption to arrive coz I've got the that part of the tale in my FF, but was holding off posting further chapters until I'd read it and got the gist of exactly what went on.  I'd already written a chapter with Liara starting to become an information trader and one of her leads was Vido Santiago.  Then I read Redemption.  Well, bugger me, the Blue Suns are involved haha.  Sweet.  Should make it interesting.  

Modifié par MrStoob, 20 juillet 2012 - 07:36 .

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

hot_heart wrote...

Told you, you need a stronger hook.

Since I'm goddamn stuck on my story and I don't want to be bothering people for help (because then I'll spoil it), I think I'll grab a tea and lookover yours and Drussius', and see if I can help.

Well I guess you can pat yourself on the back. 
Thank you for looking though, I'm still lacking in writing ability in comparison to the stuff I've seen.

[hot_heart]

OK, I see what people are saying. There's nothing terribly wrong with the writing but nothing is really happening. There are a couple of things to look out for:

- Repeating information
We don't need to keep being told they're on their way to Omega. It can weigh down bits of dialogue like this, making it look a little blunt and dull:
"I will be at my station awaiting orders in 15 fifteen minutes, Commander. I need a shower first, especially as we are on route to Omega. I despise that ******-hole." I think Miranda would be having a shower regardless (but I see the reference). If you're going to keep it, it could stand to be more emotive e.g.
Miranda groaned, "I don't relish the thought of revisiting that pisshole, but I'll see you down there once I'm washed and ready...Commander."

- Show, don't tell
It would be more interesting to witness rather than be told things like Miranda being more open with the crew, or having her and Shepard discussing (or trying to avoid discussing) their future, considering the situation with Cerberus.

In general terms, there are a few mistakes I've noticed. You use 'preceded' when you mean 'proceeded', 'spinned' when you mean 'spun' and, in chapter three, I believe I saw a 'Commader' as well as a question mark at the end of a statement.

Not wanting to discourage you or anything. It's good that you are enjoying it, as that's always very important. Even if you are only writing for yourself, it's good practice. If you're looking to attract an audience, you would benefit from lilli's advice about considering a 'point' to a chapter; be it tension in certain crew relationships or an actual pending threat. You've featured a few flashbacks, it might be worth considering some flashforwards.

Modifié par hot_heart, 20 juillet 2012 - 08:13 .

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

It's not discouraging me. This is what I want, I don't need people saying it's fine, I need people saying it needs work and editing. It's how I work.
While this story is, first and foremost, for me I would like others to enjoy it.
I already have an Omega plan drawn up which should last 3 chapters as I want to it to be equally action and dialogue heavy focusing on the squads interactions. Like you said show, don't tell.

I read "Miranda - The Space That Separates." I actually read it a day prior I just didn't realise till I started =P Anywho I enjoyed it immensely. Erin better not be a Cerberus agent because she has done enough questionable actions as it is. I'm also looking forward to more of the Salarian if that is possible. =)

[Seracen]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

I think the writers slipped up on the Quarian names because I can't think of any reason why any Quarian would be introduced without the ship name. I think indicating where they are from is very important to them, especially since I believe they developed this form of address as a reminder of what they had lost.

The only Quarians without a ship name are those who are exiled.

There's also the inconsistencies in the naming from the novels.

Still, in answer to the original question, is this post ME3?  Because if so, everyone I think would take the name "vas Rannoch."

As for Kal'Reegar, perhaps they simply never alluded to his ship name, since he's always going all over the place, being a Marine and all.

[Seracen]

lillitheris wrote...

Seracen wrote...

PS: Seriously, nobody else is WORTHY of pairing up with ANY of the LI's except Shep.  In some characters' cases, this is really depressing for them.

This is actually a semi-problem not with just the LIs but the rest of the cast… realistically speaking, out of the crew of 30-40 people, there would be maybe 3-4 pairs that would end up more than temporary stress relief.

On one hand, people prefer to see pairings of familiar characters…but that gets silly at some point. So, on the other, you’re left with three other options for each character that you write:

– Don’t write any romantic involvement. Especially for a post-fic, this may be emotionally unsatisfying.

– Refer to a relationship obliquely, purposely leaving the partner outside happenings in the inner circle. This is hard to do with the correct balance of establishing there is a relationship, but not really exploring it.

– Make an OC out of the partner, and bring them in in some capacity. Either a ‘guest star’ part with occasional run-ins, or properly as part of the crew.

Yeah, I think I'll take option 1, barring the few that make sense in my head, and just not mention romantic entanglements for the other squaddies.

Never really considered option 2, but that IS an interesting idea, if handled properly...

Alrighty guys, I'll stop monopolizing the thread for today...

Time to go watch Dark Knight Rises...  !

[Drussius]

Seracen wrote...

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

I think the writers slipped up on the Quarian names because I can't think of any reason why any Quarian would be introduced without the ship name. I think indicating where they are from is very important to them, especially since I believe they developed this form of address as a reminder of what they had lost.

The only Quarians without a ship name are those who are exiled.

There's also the inconsistencies in the naming from the novels.

Still, in answer to the original question, is this post ME3?  Because if so, everyone I think would take the name "vas Rannoch."

As for Kal'Reegar, perhaps they simply never alluded to his ship name, since he's always going all over the place, being a Marine and all.

I was going to comment on the bolded earlier, and it slipped my mind. But this is an excellent point. After the retake of Rannoch, I did notice that the "vas Rannoch" title started popping up. I think that it would likely be a point of pride that many Quarians would start to use that name after their homeworld was reclaimed. Or at least use it in conjunction with any ship they might be serving on.

[hot_heart]

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...
I read "Miranda - The Space That Separates." I actually read it a day prior I just didn't realise till I started =P Anywho I enjoyed it immensely. Erin better not be a Cerberus agent because she has done enough questionable actions as it is. I'm also looking forward to more of the Salarian if that is possible. =)

Oh, thank you!

What to do with some of these characters is what has me stuck at the moment. I had some kind of plan and a culmination in mind, but trying to get to that point is proving tricky. Not wanting to spoil anything, there is a 'scene' I wanted to see and really liked the idea of, but I may have to ditch it, as that may be what is holding up progress. Really hate when that happens.

[lillitheris]

MrStoob wrote...

I love it when a plan comes together ^^

#Redemption spoiler below#

I'd been waiting for Redemption to arrive coz I've got the that part of the tale in my FF, but was holding off posting further chapters until I'd read it and got the gist of exactly what went on.  I'd already written a chapter with Liara starting to become an information trader and one of her leads was Vido Santiago.  Then I read Redemption.  Well, bugger me, the Blue Suns are involved haha.  Sweet.  Should make it interesting.  

I don’t think the mercenary companies, as a rule, have that much to do with information services. It’s not one of their ‘core competencies’, if you will.

[hot_heart]

Reading your chapter two, Drussius, I am little surprised someone is being given news of a loved one's death over vidcom. Not that it would never happen, it just seems odd for the generally socially-conscious asari.

In boring editor mode, I would restructure this bit:
A bluish-purple aura flared around her, startling Eleira, who slipped out of her grasp and scrambled away from her in fear. A shrill scream of rage exploded from deep inside of her, and she rounded on the terminal
and hit it with a warp field so intense that it shredded not only the terminal, but the wall and floor around it…

...to something like:
A bluish-purple aura flared around her, startling Eleira, who slipped out of her grasp and scrambled away from her in fear. She exploded in a shrill scream of rage from deep inside, rounding on the terminal and hitting it with a warp field so intense that it shredded not only the terminal, but the wall and floor around it…
(Though my brain is a little frazzled at the moment and not sure if I've switched tense at the end there. Maybe it should be 'rounded on the terminal and hit it...')

It had been modeled after the Destiny Ascension.
This made me laugh because it just sits so oddly there at the end of a paragraph. I could just imagine you writing all that complicated description and then going, "Sod it. It looks like the Destiny Ascension, OK?!"
(If you were looking to put that in more organically, maybe start a sentence with something like 'The outward design had taken its inspiration from the Destiny Ascension - the hull slightly wider at the back, etc.')

Also, watch out for those repeated words. Reading over this, I would lose that second mention of 'deck'.
The interior of the vessel consisted of only three decks. The lowest deck featured a large cargo bay at the aft that occupied the majority of the deck's area.
(Possibly I would restructure the sentence, bring the cargo bay part to the beginning and combining it with the following sentence. 'A large cargo bay...majority of the deck, with the main engineering and battery sections covering the remainder')

More may follow.

Modifié par hot_heart, 20 juillet 2012 - 08:48 .

[Lilivati]

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

Okay I have finished Chapter 4. It should hopefully hook some of you in, and it leaves with a cliffhanger. I will not start writing Chapter 5 till tomorrow as I want to see the response first. Any feedback will be much appreciated.
Link is in my signature, I believe. =)

There was a real (and positive) jump in the quality of the storytelling from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.  I like that you gave Omega a hazardous feel, and got more descriptive.  I'm interested to see what comes of Shepard's plan to attempt to persuade the Council yet again, and how badly Aria tries to scew with them.

[xIxDarkWolfxIx]

Lilivati wrote...

xIxDarkWolfxIx wrote...

Okay I have finished Chapter 4. It should hopefully hook some of you in, and it leaves with a cliffhanger. I will not start writing Chapter 5 till tomorrow as I want to see the response first. Any feedback will be much appreciated.
Link is in my signature, I believe. =)

There was a real (and positive) jump in the quality of the storytelling from Chapter 3 to Chapter 4.  I like that you gave Omega a hazardous feel, and got more descriptive.  I'm interested to see what comes of Shepard's plan to attempt to persuade the Council yet again, and how badly Aria tries to scew with them.

Thanks.  I'm looking forward to starting Chapter 5. It's been good to take a break for a few hours though now I've got too many ideas swimming in my head. 
Aria will be very important in the next chapters, as well as Cerberus. I want to shift some focus to them due to "super-ness" in ME3. I think greater explanation should be needed.

I just read a 'Cold Day in October' That was really good. I was always interested in Kaiden's back story. It pissed me off that there is very little in the games showing it off, such as his first love. 

Modifié par xIxDarkWolfxIx, 20 juillet 2012 - 08:56 .

[MacNasty]

Seracen wrote...

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

I think the writers slipped up on the Quarian names because I can't think of any reason why any Quarian would be introduced without the ship name. I think indicating where they are from is very important to them, especially since I believe they developed this form of address as a reminder of what they had lost.

The only Quarians without a ship name are those who are exiled.

There's also the inconsistencies in the naming from the novels.

Still, in answer to the original question, is this post ME3?  Because if so, everyone I think would take the name "vas Rannoch."

As for Kal'Reegar, perhaps they simply never alluded to his ship name, since he's always going all over the place, being a Marine and all.

Pre-ME1 I'm thinking. But would you say not to put the ship names of the Quarian marines? I would guess they'd all be on the same ship, since they're all in the same squad, but I'm not sure on that.

[Drussius]

hot_heart wrote...

*snip*

It had been modeled after the Destiny Ascension.
This made me laugh because it just sits so oddly there at the end of a paragraph. I could just imagine you writing all that complicated description and then going, "Sod it. It looks like the Destiny Ascension, OK?!"

*snip*

Thank you as always for all of your criticisms, but I wanted to point out this one because it made me laugh... hard.

Hopefully you're finding far fewer reiterations of the same information in this chapter, and that in general it reads much more fluidly. I have been trying very hard to assimilate info on my weak points and compensate. I don't think there was a single paragraph in that whole chapter that I didn't spend some time rewording or rearranging in some fashion.