9960 réponses à ce sujet

[Mr.BlazenGlazen]

fluffywalrus wrote...

Mr.BlazenGlazen wrote...

Alright, thank you. I'll do some work on it when it's not 2 in the morning and I'm thinking straight. Did you happen to read some of the other chapters? This is pretty much the first time I'm writing fanfiction, and really all I'm doing is just writing out the scenes that play in my head at the time. Details are still rather hard for me to make out at the moment.

My Fanfiction.net name is thedeadflag. I recall reviewing your stuff, at least a bit of it.
I'll check it out again later if I have time

Ahh. Alright. I'd just like to point out that sometimes it's the insane ones that are the most clever and dangerous. Stay tuned for what happens in chapter 5!

Thanks!

[Icyflare]

As a starting fanfic writer who has yet to fully consolidate her Shepard's personality, I'd like to hear your opinions on what makes Shepard distinct. What distinguishes him/her from other characters, like Anderson or Garrus? What traits could no Shepard do without and what skills would s/he possess in any run through?

Modifié par Icyflare, 02 juin 2012 - 01:59 .

[Sialater]

Well, first and foremost, she's a Marine. I hate fics that ignore that Shepard of either gender is military.

[fluffywalrus]

Icyflare wrote...

As a starting fanfic writer who has yet to fully consolidate her Shepard's personality, I'd like to hear your opinions on what makes Shepard distinct. What distinguishes him/her from other characters, like Anderson or Garrus? What traits could no Shepard do without and what skills would s/he possess in any run through?

I'll echo that Shepard is a marine, thus will most definitely have a sense of duty bred into him/her, and since Shepard is N7, will be insanely determined, and will have tremendous leadersdhip capabilities. Whether or not Shepard is very social, she will have some ability to get her subordinates to follow her lead. Shepard will know the sacrifices needed to get the mission complete, even if Shepard may struggle with the specific sacrifices when the time comes.
He/She is a weathered veteran, nearly thirty years old with 11 years military experience and the most grueling training, and at least one incredibly memorable and tough mission.

Outside of being military and having certain distinctions, I think it's fairly open game. I'd like to say Shep's a good listener and attentive to friends/loyal, but some people do pretty mean stuff and/or ignore their crew in ME, so...

[MidnightRaith]

Icyflare wrote...

As a starting fanfic writer who has yet to fully consolidate her Shepard's personality, I'd like to hear your opinions on what makes Shepard distinct. What distinguishes him/her from other characters, like Anderson or Garrus? What traits could no Shepard do without and what skills would s/he possess in any run through?

1. Leadership

2. Diplomacy (At least, Paragon Shep has a knack for this. I'm not too familiar with Renegade Shep.)

3. Undomitable will

You know what? Now that I'm really trying to think about it, I can't say that Shepard has too many set "traits." Shepard has milestones in his or her life that cannot be ignored such as whatever is the basis of the psychological profile or joining the N7s. However, the thing about Shepard is that he or she is essentially a brick character. Shepard's lines throughout the games are either obvious "Investigate" stuff to something that is inspired by the above traits I listed. That is why you see some very different Shepards from writer to writer. There is a ton of room for you to write Shepard which is why I say that SIs are so pointless IMHO.

Not to mention, since Shepard is such a blank character writing him or her to be relatable to every average Joe on the street is extremely boring to me. Nothing makes that Shepard pop. In my opinion, if you're going to write about a Shepard like that, then the fic needs to be very short. Like a one-shot or ficlet. Shepard is a PC and that gives the player a ton of room to characterize him or her. I imagine that if you polled people on this site on how they would characterize Shepard based simply on his or her actions, then you would get some extremely different results. People project themselves into Shepard while they're playing so in my opinion, worrying about having a set template of traits for Shepard is not worth your time.

[gearseffect]

After getting fluffywalrus reviews, I really wish I had done what I intended to do with my Fanfic chapters. Which was not cut so much out of them. For some reason I thought that my chapters being on average 5-7 pages long was going to just be so much nonsense and too many pointless details.

So I tried to limit myself to having my chapters be a maximum of 3 pages. Hmm it was clearly a mistake, here are some of the things I cut in the first chapter,

More background and insight into how Jake Shep had felt about the whole mission on Aratoht. Being upset that Hackett had refused to give any information of value about Kenson and her team.

I had established that Jake Shep had some mistrust of Hackett for that. I also had many more details on the nature of his unique relationships with Garrus, Ashley, Jack, Thane, Samara, and much more details and insight into his hatred of Cerberus, TIM, and mistrust of Miranda Lawson.

I also had some more indepth details about Akuze in the first chapter and how it had really affected him. And how he'd kept people from getting to close to him after that, in sense he'd walled himself off and did his best to just try and avoid friendships. His whole life's purpose had been one mission after the next.

How after being cleared for combat after Akuze, that he'd been quick to work his way up the ranks. That before Eden Prime the number of soldiers that had died under his command was 3. I explained much more in depth about Akuze and how it affected him.

I hadn't touched much on Mindoir given from the beginning I had been planing to sting that plot point along and milk it to a certain point and then it all would reach a head.

Luckily I still have that content I cut. It's currently in a text doc. titled Breaking Points deleted scenes. I also got one for Awakening.

Hmmmm, I may just go pull them out and rework them into the story. It makes for a far more deeper and compelling read.

What do you think?


Chapter 4 of Awakening was like 6 pages and I cut the hell out of that and it turned into 2 1/2 pages. Really why did I limit myself to have a certain number of pages.

Opps forgot to mention about Thane, I'm so torn up about him it's
unreal, I'm not to thrilled about how BW handled him. I really wanted
him to live, and given Kirrahe can die in Thane's place, god I am so
torn about Thane. I had been considering just forgetting and not touching on him anymore, but tha'ts not fair. Thane fans are already getting too much of that. So I really don't know how to handle that?

Modifié par gearseffect, 02 juin 2012 - 04:34 .

[MidnightRaith]

First off, thanks for the review, gears. It was what I really look for in terms of feedback. 

As for that cut content, a lot of that sounds very good. I'm the type of reader/writer that focuses nearly exclusively on the character. The more about a character I get to read, the happier I am. I wouldn't advise limiting yourself to an amount of pages. To be honest, 3 pages is woefully short if you're aiming to make an impression to your readers on who Jake Shepard really is. Striking turned out to be 7 Word pages and 2,806 words. If your fic is similar to mine in terms of characterization (haven't gotten the chance to read your fics yet. It's on the list. ) then perhaps you're limiting yourself too much. Don't aim for reaching a limit. Aim for closing a topic. My average lies at 3000 words. However, the shortest chapter I have ever posted was just over 2200. My longest over 5900.

Let your chapter have room to breathe so it can have a chance to get its message to the reader. In a multi-chaptered fic, most people are in it for the longhaul. They expect long reads. At the same time, many of your readers will be following your fic as it's updated, so in their perspective, they aren't reading a fic that is 30,000+ words long. They are reading chapters that can range anywhere from 2000-6000 words (at least for me) and that isn't actually all that much. Don't worry about length. Do what's best for what you're trying to convey to the reader.

[Ainyan42]

Idle question: Is it okay to feel bummed when you don't get a lot of reviews - positive or negative - on your stories? Sometimes I feel like the proportions of readers to reviewers on my stories seems to indicate most of my readers find them to be rather... 'meh', unworthy of comment. If that feeling is correct, I'd rather know what I can improve on rather than simply worrying.

[MidnightRaith]

Ainyan42 wrote...

Idle question: Is it okay to feel bummed when you don't get a lot of reviews - positive or negative - on your stories? Sometimes I feel like the proportions of readers to reviewers on my stories seems to indicate most of my readers find them to be rather... 'meh', unworthy of comment. If that feeling is correct, I'd rather know what I can improve on rather than simply worrying.

I felt that way about two of my fics. One was based on a concept that was over-done in the fandom, so I suspect that was the leading reason as to why it didn't garner much feedback. People were tired of that type of story. The other, I got too rash with an AU. I don't usually like to get too crazy with those. If they get too AU-ish, then people won't generally pick up, in my experience. However, what's too crazy for an AU is highly subjective. Get a good feel for what that fandom likes collectively before going too off the wall. I like to look at what other AUs are doing and how people respond to them. How AU-ish is their AU and how much leeway does that fanbase give the author? Anyway, I bit off more than the fanbase could chew (nothing wrong with that. Some fanbases have different tolerance levels for this kind of thing.) and didn't get too much attention for it as a result.

Anyway, I've been on hiatus for about six months from all of my fics. My ME fanfic was the first one I've written in a long time. However, I plan on going back to the others I've written. Only, since those two didn't get too much attention, those will be on indefinite hold. I don't know if I'll go back to them. Basically, I'd say it's okay to feel bummed. Half the reason I write is to get feedback so I can improve as a writer overall.

[gearseffect]

@Ainyan42 it's perfectly cool to feel bummed about your lack of reviews, hehe I was just doing that. I shall be taking a gander over at your fics I shall provide you with feedback.

I was in the same boat, I really like to know what I could improve on and I got paranoid with my review content.

So It's cool to worry, I'll go give them a read then provide you reviews.

@MidnightRaith I really was happy to read your fic. Like I said after ME3 I'd had been so put off by Liara, that I couldn't remember why I had picked her as my ME1 LI, and your Fanfic did an exelent job of allowing me to sort of go back and view her character with a fresh set of eyes. It was a great read.

I'm in the process of editing the deleted scenes and reworking my chapters and fitting that stuff back in there. It really started to eat at me after I published the 4th chapter of Awakening. I was like "Oh god my did I condensed that stuff down so much. It's all so very important to Samara's character and I just cut out so much of it and condensed it all down"

Then I went and re read all my chapters and was scratching my head going hmmm I may have been better off to not limit myself. Upon getting fluffywalrus' reviews it confirmed that I'd taken so much out of it that the flow of the story was interrupted at time, it was great to have her (I think fluffy is a her if not sorry), review and It put me to work right away digging out my files and deleted scenes.

[zapphoman24]

Ainyan42 wrote...

Idle question: Is it okay to feel bummed when you don't get a lot of reviews - positive or negative - on your stories? Sometimes I feel like the proportions of readers to reviewers on my stories seems to indicate most of my readers find them to be rather... 'meh', unworthy of comment. If that feeling is correct, I'd rather know what I can improve on rather than simply worrying.

I totally hear ya. I'll give yours a look and let you know what I thought. Mine is in my sig if you would like to check if you have time.

[Icyflare]

Gears, maybe you're thinking too hard. Chapters size can vary, depending on they are trying to achieve. Not all passages in a book are the same length after all. As for the stuff you cut out, ask yourself if it disrupt the plot/characterization if not included. If it doesn't, you can probably leave it out.

I'm a bit different from MidnightRaith. I prefer fast-moving narratives with a gradual integration of a character's backstory and traits so that a character's past is revealed over several chapters with some action in-between. Some readers will be like me, and some like MidnightRaith. Do whatever fits your story best.

Incidentally, is it normal to have more people putting your story as on their favourite list than reviews?

[fluffywalrus]

Ainyan42 wrote...

Idle question: Is it okay to feel bummed when you don't get a lot of reviews - positive or negative - on your stories? Sometimes I feel like the proportions of readers to reviewers on my stories seems to indicate most of my readers find them to be rather... 'meh', unworthy of comment. If that feeling is correct, I'd rather know what I can improve on rather than simply worrying.

I would try not to worry about it.
I have I think, around 17 regular viewers, give or take 6. Only 4 different people have given reviews, but I don't mind. So long as I know someone is reading and enjoying it aside from me, that's all I need to keep posting it.

Though I would like more reviews. I just...don't want to force people to give them. I'd like it if they took the initiative though Would make my job easier.

Remember, FF.net tracks visitors and hits. Don't pay attention to hits. Visitors is more important, and visitors tracks unique IPs per 24 hour segment. So, for instance, if I visited your fic once a day for a week, I'd count for 7 visitors, if I have understood the process correctly. From the test I gave on my own a week or so ago, it appears correct.

But don't worry too much about numbers. Or getting loads of feedback. Just make sure you're having fun writing it.

[fluffywalrus]

Icyflare wrote...

Gears, maybe you're thinking too hard. Chapters size can vary, depending on they are trying to achieve. Not all passages in a book are the same length after all. As for the stuff you cut out, ask yourself if it disrupt the plot/characterization if not included. If it doesn't, you can probably leave it out.

I'm a bit different from MidnightRaith. I prefer fast-moving narratives with a gradual integration of a character's backstory and traits so that a character's past is revealed over several chapters with some action in-between. Some readers will be like me, and some like MidnightRaith. Do whatever fits your story best.

Incidentally, is it normal to have more people putting your story as on their favourite list than reviews?

Aye. As I said while reviewing, I'm one type of reader. Icyflare is another. It's hard to manage all types, if not impossible. Just write what you feel comfortable writing, and don't aim to cut anything out unless you feel it's awkward. I will agree with icy here that I enjoy a fic that exposes me to elements of a character over time, depending on the type of fic. Though details on your Shep's backstory can be given in larger chunks if you feel the situation is worthy. Generally, this wouldn't be a narrator telling the reader, it would be Shepard telling someone in an intimate setting, or it would be in a dream Shepard was having, or something similar.
Remember, those are personal experiences, they should be read in a personal way. That's what IMO is the most important, otherwise it can come across as reading a bunch of events in a history book, without emotional context.

As for more favourites that reviews.....I add an alert to most stories that I follow. Of course, I also review mst anything I read, but many others don't, and use their alert/favourites page to scan for updates. Generally, it means you have an established reader, from what I gather. I honestly barely ever check the Mass Effect directory anymore, and mostly just check for updates on the multitude of stories I follow, and follow the forums here for other updates on fics.

Modifié par fluffywalrus, 02 juin 2012 - 06:48 .

[MidnightRaith]

To clarify: I do agree with Icyflare and fluffywalrus. Do what is best for your story. I was just assuming that you're heavy on characterization based on the cut content you posted, gears.

[gearseffect]

MidnightRaith wrote...

To clarify: I do agree with Icyflare and fluffywalrus. Do what is best for your story. I was just assuming that you're heavy on characterization based on the cut content you posted, gears.

I do tend to try and focus heavily on characrterization, I'm stratching my head as to why I cut that content. Was it nessasry well, I don't think I'd have typed it up if I didn't think it fit.

As for why I cut it, ummm, I guess I didn't like having so long a chapter. However now that I'm looking back at what was cut and all condesed down for the sake of making it shorter I just stratch my head puzzled.

I have the 6th chapter to breaking points typed up, but I'm sitting here think that it would have made so much more sense to not cut the content I did. I sat down and started planing this fic in Jan. and kept planing it until ME3 released, by the time I had the first chapter down I had everything laid out and planed, it was a matter of getting things to work.

Only now I really don't like that I cut the content it's gonna hurt things in the long run because those things that may have seemed like little tid bits that dragged on, all had a purpose. It helped develop things and set the stones in place.

I'm really thinking I should go back and rework it all into the chapters as otherwise I'm gonna have certain things pop up and I didn't included the early things so it's gonna be odd.

I'm really straching my head as to why I thought it would be better to have a short fic, as opposed to what I had planned.

I'm a bit puzzled as to why I cut that content, the stuff with Hackett, was going to come back big time later on down the line. Then the stuff about Akuze I had all that rather tied up in chapter one. It's odd that I figured I should lemit my pages and stuff. I really regreate it right now.

Anyway I got my mind made up, I'm gonna go back and rework it all into the chapters. I'm just debating if I should leave the current versions up and add the full versions in as a new story maybe just add  2.0 or EC, so that way people can compair the two?

[gearseffect]

@fluffywalrus read the first chapter to your fanfic, and review it. What the hell did you do to poor Mel, I'm rather concerned for the kids safety now. I'll read chapter 2 and review it tomorrow I'm tired right now.

You've got me hooked in.

[fluffywalrus]

gearseffect wrote...

@fluffywalrus read the first chapter to your fanfic, and review it. What the hell did you do to poor Mel, I'm rather concerned for the kids safety now. I'll read chapter 2 and review it tomorrow I'm tired right now.

You've got me hooked in.

Haha, you'll have to read the second chapter!
It's nothing entirely unforgiveable on my behalf as a writer. Mel might cry a lot but she's durable. That'll be more evident in Chapter 4, which I'd like to think I'm nearly halfway through.

And thanks for reading Always like getting new eyes on my writing.

[lillitheris]

Icyflare wrote...

As a starting fanfic writer who has yet to fully consolidate her Shepard's personality, I'd like to hear your opinions on what makes Shepard distinct. What distinguishes him/her from other characters, like Anderson or Garrus? What traits could no Shepard do without and what skills would s/he possess in any run through?

We actually had a bit of an argument about this in the Liara thread the other day…someone was insistent that Shepard was quite strictly defined (up to the point where some mushy talk was ‘too weak’ to be in character). I vehemently disagree with that.

The military thing is a big one. No matter how different the underlying personality, a decade or more of service will at the very least leave certain…mannerisms?

It’s quite hard to find commonalities. I’d say that for the most part, you’d find a fairly likeable personality, attentive, wilful. The leadership charisma is a big part, but it’s hard to capture and often ends up just being stated. The better you can bring that out, the better. (As a side note, I personally have problems understanding how a Renedouche Shepard manages to command loyalty, so I would need any fic dealing with that personality type to explore those reasons to be able to relate.)

At the same time, though, there‘s stuff like “The Beautiful Indifferent” (which everyone should read, like, right away) that just throws your expectations out of the airlock. In cases like this, the best guideline is to go with game events, and to try to see whether the personality you’ve created actually fits in; how can it be used to explain the decisions made and so on.

Modifié par lillitheris, 02 juin 2012 - 10:02 .

[lillitheris]

Ainyan42 wrote...

Idle question: Is it okay to feel bummed when you don't get a lot of reviews - positive or negative - on your stories? Sometimes I feel like the proportions of readers to reviewers on my stories seems to indicate most of my readers find them to be rather... 'meh', unworthy of comment. If that feeling is correct, I'd rather know what I can improve on rather than simply worrying.

Yes, it’s perfectly alright. Looks like you have mostly shorter stories, which also makes it harder to gain insight from visitor counts — aside from just the hard number itself — like I looked at a few pages back.

One thing you could try, if you haven’t yet, would be to enable anonymous reviews and ask for reviews on the Kaidan thread here (and maybe on HTL?), pointing that they can be left anon in the event it might encourage someone over the threshold.

…

I promised myself that I’d do some reading this weekend since I actually have the luxury of writing Sunday’s chapter over two days, so I’ll try to read a bit of everyone in the thread, at least.

Modifié par lillitheris, 02 juin 2012 - 10:26 .

[gearseffect]

Oh I don't know how much the Miltary can affect any Shep, depending on what they allow it too. I mean sure Shep likely treats people with the due respect, however My Shep is sort of not giving a sh!t, if he don't think someone deserves his respect he's not gonna give that to 'em. For instance Another thing that I cut out of my fanfic, that's starting to bug me.

Is again Hackett wasn't very forth coming with information on things, so giving all that My Shep don't trust the jerk and there is some clear effort on Jake Shep's part to not respect Hackett's rank.

He's also still a Spectre so that goes in his favor. However I do know (my older brother is this way) that in the US Army if your a good soldier who knows his job, and knows the books inside and out, and is well liked among the rest of the soldiers who serve along side you, you can be more than a bit mouthy and tell chair polishing LTs, and Captains that they are idiots and stuff like that.

Just don't expect to make it to Srg rank. Heh my brother was like that, he was so loved by the men for being a great soldier who knew his job, and even more so because he knew what he could get by with and how to rip the dumb command dudes a brand new @ss with their stupid ideas that could (and sometimes did) needlessly cost lives.

But yeah there is some things that Shep has from the military, just depends how much of it is gonna be retained

Yeah I really did mess up with cutting the stuff about Aratoht out of chapter 1. Because it's gonna bite me in the @ss latter when I start to get into more of the Batarian aspects and issue I got planed. So that's another reason I need to re-work the deleted content into my chapters.

I think having my the tension between Jake Shep and Hackett is showing up it's just I think so much of the reasons behind it and all are currently not explained and it feels lacking. Like I almost am just being a jerk to Hackett and hate the character. I don't I'm just utilizing him, the thing with Aratoht and Kenson, and the Batarians to build my story. Hackett was there people know him and it made more sense and was also believable to Hackett's character.

Looking back at things I really did mess that up.

Speaking of all that stuff, is it ever stated that nature of Hackett and Kensons relationship how they know each other? As far as I can recall it's just left vague at they go way back.

Also what exactly was Kenson a scientist in the field of, first she was a deep cover operative then she sort of became a scientist like role, is there any real solid info on Kenson other then what I got right here?

[lillitheris]

gearseffect wrote...

Oh I don't know how much the Miltary can affect any Shep, depending on what they allow it too. I mean sure Shep likely treats people with the due respect, however My Shep is sort of not giving a sh!t, if he don't think someone deserves his respect he's not gonna give that to 'em. For instance Another thing that I cut out of my fanfic, that's starting to bug me.

I’ll disagree slightly. I want to point out first that you absolutely can make a good character going against this grain if you know/explain how it happens, but by and large — despite what movies tell you — you don’t get to LC without knowing how to play ball. Ornery Master Sgt./Chief with authority issues? That’ll still fly.

Or if you think about special forces teams…they may seem roguish, but in reality they’re 100% professionals. Teams work like well-oiled machines and even though they often improvise as a team, there’s little room for someone who constantly goes solo.

So, from the military background, Shepard will probably not be deferential to the CoC, but will follow orders (even if it occasionally is in an unorthodox manner). She’ll also expect everyone under her to follow orders without question when a decision has been made. She might take much more input from the team, almost to the point of democracy, but at some point, she’s the boss. She’s got an excellent tactical and a fairly developed strategic eye.

Shepard will probably also know quite a few people in the SA, if that ever comes up.

I think having my the tension between Jake Shep and Hackett is showing up it's just I think so much of the reasons behind it and all are currently not explained and it feels lacking. Like I almost am just being a jerk to Hackett and hate the character. I don't I'm just utilizing him, the thing with Aratoht and Kenson, and the Batarians to build my story. Hackett was there people know him and it made more sense and was also believable to Hackett's character.

You can find a way to reintroduce these elements, as a flashback if nothing else.

Also what exactly was Kenson a scientist in the field of, first she was a deep cover operative then she sort of became a scientist like role, is there any real solid info on Kenson other then what I got right here?

If the Wiki doesn’t say, just go with whatever would seem sensible for the research she’s doing.

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Currently messing with a ME fanfic, a first. Here's a part of it, feel free to sling tomatoes.   Story on femShep.

***

There was still power. She ran a systems check; it could fly but she would have to do a physical canvas of the shuttle. Hopefully, the other hatch was undamaged. A cough racked her and more pain blossomed in her side. When it was over, there was a spatter of blood across the console displays. She was bleeding within. Grimly, she got up and made her way to the other exit hatch which opened readily. Bright sunlight flooded in. Hell, how long was she unconscious? Odd she did not notice it through the cockpit windows.  Breathing heavily, she made a slow walk all around the shuttle, the engines looked intact. When she got to the other side of the shuttle where it was damaged, she saw Doc, his lower body crushed by the torn hatch of the other shuttle.

"Doc, doc," she whispered, tears finally slipping from her eyes as she knelt beside him. His eyes faded and grey, sightless in the sunlight. Controlling herself, Shepard undid the collar of his undersuit and removed one of his dogtags before getting up. Tucking it carefully away in one of the pouch of her belt, she finished her examination. It was fortunate the hatch that had crashed into the shuttle had slipped off instead of entrenched in it, so she could take off. But before she did that, she ought to look for survivors.

So silent. She looked around. In the daylight, the terrain was an ugly muddy sight to behold. Torn and churn up. Another cough made her reeled and her vision blurred. Survivors. She hung on to that thought and returned to the cockpit. Survivors. Bringing up the shipboard com, she took a deep breath.

"This is lieutenant Shepard, if anyone is still alive, please respond," she gulped down the bile rising in her throat. "Is anyone out there, respond," she coughed and hastily turned aside, voimiting violently. Hell, bile and blood. Focus, focus. Shepard, you ass, you're in no condition to mount a rescue. Get the hell out of here.

"Erial? Captain? Anyone?"  Silence.

Over and over, she repeated for several minutes. She was feeling worse by the minute too. A dreadful cold seemed to be taking hold of her. Finally, she fired up the engines and said a silent prayer. The structural damage to the shuttle would cause some problems but if she fly low, it ought to be fine. Slowly, the shuttle lifted. The sound of the engines was startling loud, there was some slight wobbling but it was stable. With trembling hands, she set the course and put it on autopilot. She was in no fit state to fly it. Closing her eyes, she settled back in the seat, shivering and struggling to stay awake.

It was a gut wrenching half hour journey. When the autopilot beeped a warning, she was able to land the shuttle back at the settlement and finally enabled the onboard emergency beacon. The Alliance cruiser in orbit would soon send someone. With that, she staggered from the seat and laid herself down. Rest. She could finally rest. Would she see the rest of her unit? 

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 02 juin 2012 - 01:31 .

[fluffywalrus]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Currently messing with a ME fanfic, a first. Here's a part of it, feel free to sling tomatoes.   Story on femShep.

***

There was still power. She ran a systems check; it could fly but she would have to do a physical canvas of the shuttle. Hopefully, the other hatch was undamaged. A cough racked her and more pain blossomed in her side. When it was over, there was a spatter of blood across the console displays. She was bleeding within. Grimly, she got up and made her way to the other exit hatch which opened readily. Bright sunlight flooded in. Hell, how long was she unconscious? Odd she did not notice it through the cockpit windows.  Breathing heavily, she made a slow walk all around the shuttle, the engines looked intact. When she got to the other side of the shuttle where it was damaged, she saw Doc, his lower body crushed by the torn hatch of the other shuttle.

"Doc, doc," she whispered, tears finally slipping from her eyes as she knelt beside him. His eyes faded and grey, sightless in the sunlight. Controlling herself, Shepard undid the collar of his undersuit and removed one of his dogtags before getting up. Tucking it carefully away in one of the pouch of her belt, she finished her examination. It was fortunate the hatch that had crashed into the shuttle had slipped off instead of entrenched in it, so she could take off. But before she did that, she ought to look for survivors.

So silent. She looked around. In the daylight, the terrain was an ugly muddy sight to behold. Torn and churn up. Another cough made her reeled and her vision blurred. Survivors. She hung on to that thought and returned to the cockpit. Survivors. Bringing up the shipboard com, she took a deep breath.

"This is lieutenant Shepard, if anyone is still alive, please respond," she gulped down the bile rising in her throat. "Is anyone out there, respond," she coughed and hastily turned aside, voimiting violently. Hell, bile and blood. Focus, focus. Shepard, you ass, you're in no condition to mount a rescue. Get the hell out of here.

"Erial? Captain? Anyone?"  Silence.

Over and over, she repeated for several minutes. She was feeling worse by the minute too. A dreadful cold seemed to be taking hold of her. Finally, she fired up the engines and said a silent prayer. The structural damage to the shuttle would cause some problems but if she flied low, it ought to be fine. Slowly, the shuttle lifted. The sound of the engines was startling loud, there was some slight wobbling but it was stable. With trembling hands, she set the course and put it on autopilot. She was in no fit state to fly it. Closing her eyes, she settled back in the seat, shivering and struggling to stay awake.

It was a gut wrenching half hour journey. When the autopilot beeped a warning, she was able to land the shuttle back at the settlement and finally enabled the onboard emergency beacon. The Alliance cruiser in orbit would soon send someone. With that, she staggered from the seat and laid herself down. Rest. She could finally rest. Would she see the rest of her unit? 

I recognize the name "Erial" from a fic on FF about Akuze, IIRC. If that's yours, so far you're doing well
Also by the above example, you're doing well.
Just some spelling corrections
-"If she flied low"
-"sound of the engines was startlingly loud"
-"turned aside, vomiting violently"
-"Another cough made her reel"
-"His eyes were faded and grey, sightless in the sunlight"
-"Hell, how long had she been unconscious"

Solid work, though.

[lillitheris]

fluffywalrus wrote...

-"If she flied low"

Flew low :happy:

Also, you want ‘canvass’ rather than ‘canvas’ in the first paragraph — although I might go with a different word, maybe even something like ‘flight-preparedness visual inspection’ to highlight she’s drawing from previous military learning.

“She was feeling worse by the minute too” sounds a bit conversational, “, feeling worse by the minute” or “And feeling worse by the minute.”, perhaps?

Otherwise I like it, the story sounds good and the pace is just about right.