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[gearseffect]

Hello all, I'm back and I brought part of the content I cut from Breaking Points Chapter 1. The Chapter had originally been roughly 12 pages long, and broken up into 4 or 5 parts, it was condessed down into 3 pages, and 2 parts.

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The Alpha Relay had been destroyed and along with it the entire Bahak system. Which was home to roughly
300,000 Batarians. Jacob Shepard knew that was just going to be the start of it. Now Alliance Command had ordered him back to Earth for a bull**** political circus. Hackett was stalling things as best he could, so he could take care of some last minute things.

Shepard sat in the mess hall of the Normandy deep in thought.

Before even setting foot on Aratoht he had a bad feeling about the mission. Every fiber of his being told him doing this mission solo wasn't a good idea.

The details Hackett had given him were vague at best. He'd tried to get Hackett to provide him with more
information on Amanda Kenson, how he knew her, her service history, personal background, files on each member of the science team, any sort of information on their work, and most importantly any details on the Reaper artifact, none of which Hackett gave.

Hackett, had said “I won't betray Kenson's trust by handing over her personal files, or her teams
files. Commander, I hope you can understand that. As for the the Reaper artifact, I know very little, Kenson says it's proof that the Reaper's intend to invade and how they plan to do so. That's about
all I know.”

That's about all I know, it was the way Hackett said it, the way he remained silent waiting
for a response. It was as if he knew something more, yet hesitant to share it.

If it was simply breaking into the Aratoht prison, grabbing an Alliance Operative, then getting the hell
out, it made perfect sense to do it solo. It wasn't that simple, he knew nothing about Kenson, or her team, and knew plenty about Reapers. Those factors were what made his gut twist as his instincts told him he shouldn't go in solo. He should have listened to his gut.

Modifié par gearseffect, 03 juin 2012 - 06:30 .

[gearseffect]

MidnightRaith wrote...

Icyflare wrote...

My username is ShadowBlazer. I've had it since I was fourteen. Don't ask.

Pshh, take a look at mine. So dark, it's cheesy.  I don't even spell wraith correctly. Bah, the username references my original work, so I've kept it since I was about fourteen as well. Funny memories there. I can trace my stuff back all the way to when I was twelve. It's literally evolved through many rewrites. Some embarrasing, some just fizzled because I hadn't found an actual theme. All I know is, the freaking idea refuses to die. I had something to say since I was a wee pre-teen. I just wasn't mature enough yet to figure out what it was.

I agree with ya there Midnight, I had attempted to start writing stories when I was in middle school, my parents kept telling me I was too dumb to do it, they all sucked, I'd be better off to give it up. Bleh, I gave it up or so they thought, then in high school I attepted to do some fanfic, but quite as people kept pointing out flaws, and I got sick of a at the time what I saw as "A bunch of @ssholes being jack@sses to me". Heh too bad I was so bullheaded at the time, because looking back on it now, they were just offering contructive critsiom, many of them were even pointing out flaws in my spelling.

So yeah I've had been attempting to write, and been interested to do so for a very long time. Heh

Heh the other day, I noticed a flaw in one of my dialogue scenes with Anderson, and Jake Shep, Anderson was saying "I'll feel you in latter"  ummm it was ment to say fill.

[fluffywalrus]

Solid.
Though some very minor errors. (here's hoping I don't mess up like last time! Oh the wonders of sleep, why have you escaped my reach?)
-"Hackett, had said" should be "Hackett had said".
-"It was as if he knew something more, yet hesitant to share it." should be "It was as if he knew something more, yet was hesitant to share it."
-"...by handing over her personal files, or her teams files. ..." should be "... by handing over her personal files, or her team's files. ..."

There is a spot or two where I personally would use a semi-colon, but I know a lot of people hate them. I love them, personally, and I find they're very suited to narration. Though some feel they're not proper.

And there are spots that might come across as mixing tense, but throwing in a ton of "had"s here and there can get tedious, and I'd like to think the reader would get the gist. *shrug*
I'm tired. I'm going to try and sleep I think.

[Icyflare]

gearseffect wrote...

If it was simply breaking into the Aratoht prison, grabbing an Alliance Operative, then getting the hell
out, it made perfect sense to do it solo. It wasn't that simple, he knew nothing about Kenson, or her team, and knew plenty about Reapers. Those factors were what made his gut twist as his instincts told him he shouldn't go in solo. He should have listened to his gut.

Try not to use the same descriptive words too closely together. It can get redundant and draw reader attention away from the story. Alone or by himself could work too.

"He should have listened to his gut" has more impact as "He should have listened", since you mentioned the word gut in the previous sentence. Alternatively, you could lose the word gut in the preceding line and keep it in the your last one. Keep one or the other but not both. Otherwise, good so far.

@MidnightRaith: Have you found what you wanted to say yet?

[gearseffect]

That's the one thing I find I don't like most about my writing is I tend to use "Had" Too damn much, and I try and figure out other words to fit in instead of the same words over and over.

As I said that was part of the content that was cut, I never did any of my polishing to it. Which is the stage where I go and attempt to seek out redundant words/phrases, errors.

When I was initially writing this, one of the things I debated doing, which I didn't was I had crawled into Sheps head, replacing lots of the stuff about "him"" his" With "I"

I had a much more personal flow, as if you were right inside his head with him. I dumped it because I thought people may be put off by that sort of thing, thoughts?

[MidnightRaith]

@Icyflare: Yes. Racism and in America it seems to be turning into a vicious cycle. Something I picked up on growing up is that the "majority" is beginning to get whaled on increasingly frequently by the "minority." In quotes because where I'm from, those terms don't quite describe either group any longer. They've traded places. Which is probably what fuels most of it. I'm biracial. I see both sides and both aren't pretty. Much fiction I'm exposed to focuses on one side or the other. It comes across to me as narrow minded. There is much more to it than what each has to say. Maybe I'll get it together enough to get my side out eventually.

[Icyflare]

MidnightRaith wrote...

@Icyflare: Yes. Racism and in America it seems to be turning into a vicious cycle. Something I picked up on growing up is that the "majority" is beginning to get whaled on increasingly frequently by the "minority." In quotes because where I'm from, those terms don't quite describe either group any longer. They've traded places. Which is probably what fuels most of it. I'm biracial. I see both sides and both aren't pretty. Much fiction I'm exposed to focuses on one side or the other. It comes across to me as narrow minded. There is much more to it than what each has to say. Maybe I'll get it together enough to get my side out eventually.

Heavy topic. I'm afraid I'm not well-acquainted with how the racism issue is unfolding in the States, but I've heard that in a lot of places, the rift between the different ethnicities is striking. It would be a fascinating perspective if you ever get it out. We don't hear much from the biracials.

@gears: What do you mean by personal? Personal as in your own distinctive writing style or personal as in getting to know Shepard's experiences and weaknesses? Both are good as long as you do it well. Like it has been mentioned before, many people read fanfics to learn about YOUR Shepard. It may help your story.

[noxiuniversitas1]

fluffywalrus wrote...

There is a spot or two where I personally would use a semi-colon, but I know a lot of people hate them. I love them, personally, and I find they're very suited to narration. Though some feel they're not proper.

Bloody love semi-colons

[AlistairsGirl]

How the hell did I not no about this forum? I can guess I'll be lurking here for a long while.

Fanfic writing was something I swore I would never do and never had the inkling to want to. I've played games for a good 20 years and even though I've thoroughly enjoyed all I have played, I've never felt like writing anything about them. Then one day, along comes this game that captures me so completely, I have this uncontrollable urge to write. Damn Mass Effect made me into someone I didn't want to be.

When the first story came off my computer, I was so terrified to post it I procrastinated for about a week before thinking to hell with it. But once that first positive review came in, I was hooked.

This SI business I haven't heard of myself, as Ventus confessed, I too rarely read other peoples fics. Mostly because the ones I seem to choose are poorly written or have no real point at all. There are only a few I have saved to my favs on ff.net. Haven't given an OC character a whirl though, but am thinking about it.

I'm trying my hand at a cross-over, which to some people is a no-no. But hell, I do what I wanna. I just didn't realise how hard it would be to combine to different universes.

[lillitheris]

Sialater wrote...

Never write for other people. You will never and I mean NEVER EVER please them. Write for yourself and improve because YOU want to. Writers can't count on an audience.

You need an audience, try acting.

I disagree. “Write for yourself” is a dangerous oversimplification, in my mind…yes, your motivation should be internal, and your target audience should be yourself, but all art is fundamentally communication.

A painter paints to express feelings and ideas; it’s important to capture those, express them, refine them, but they also try to capture them in a form that can be understood.

If someone views the painting and thinks it’s got blue and red or even thinks that it’s aesthetically pleasing but nothing more, then the artist…the artist hasn’t failed — and the work can absolutely be something to be proud of — but they’ve only fulfilled half the potential of the work, the half for themselves. The other half is getting other people to understand. Not like, or agree, but understand.

Anyway, that’s a long way to say that while I’m glad that many are satisfied just writing for themselves, I think trying to suppress that urge to communicate in others can be unhelpful or outright counterproductive.

Edit: just to be extra clear, this is only my opinion as usual…

…

Do Watcha Wanna

Modifié par lillitheris, 03 juin 2012 - 12:28 .

[Severyx]

Just want to say that I freakin' love all you guys/gals. I'm thoroughly impressed and full of pride over the wonderfully high level of maturity in this thread. Not to mention all of these conversations are relevant to my interests. . .

Keep it up!

</thread-derail>

[lillitheris]

^ That, and also especially thanks for the perhaps unintentionally imparted focus on editing…

My pattern has usually been to publish a chapter in (I think) good form, but I’ve thus far, in search of perfection, always found something to improve a day or two after the first publication, be it sentence structure or whatever. Chapter 16 is the first one that still reads equally well even after two days. Sure, there’s one place where I use the same word in proximity, and there’s one sentence I could change up a little…but overall still pleased.

Or maybe it was just a fluke

[Sialater]

All right, I'm on my phone, so I can't quote, but let me clarify.

If you sit around waiting for people to recognize you and only write because people are paying attention, why bother? Write because you have something to say, a story to tell. Don't wait for others to approve it. Improve for yourself, not everyone else.

[lillitheris]

Sialater wrote...

All right, I'm on my phone, so I can't quote, but let me clarify.

If you sit around waiting for people to recognize you and only write because people are paying attention, why bother? Write because you have something to say, a story to tell. Don't wait for others to approve it. Improve for yourself, not everyone else.

I actually think that that’d be a valid motivation to write as much as anything else is, but it’s not exactly what I’m saying.

I’m not sure I can explain it satisfactorily, but I don’t want to write a story. I want to tell a story. The motivation is still internal, but there’s an integral external component to it.

(Notice that I’m frustrated because I can’t express the idea in a manner that you understand. Same thing, very meta!)

But moreso my crucial point in this particular circumstance is that if someone feels that they aren’t satisfied with just ‘writing for themselves’, then advice to do so isn’t (necessarily) productive if it turns the problem from “is my writing good enough?” into “is my writing good enough and am I a bad person for not being satisfied just in myself?” Mind, it could be exactly what the person needs to hear…I just don’t think it’s a universal solution.

Modifié par lillitheris, 03 juin 2012 - 04:34 .

[seireikhaan]

Hi everyone. Just sort of here to vent a little bit. I've idly considered writing in the past, but I turned it into something of a weekend hobby. But it's frustrating to not get feedback. I've started up a tale on the ff site about an idea that popped into my head in regards to the Geth and quarians, and I know it's got some people following it, a couple favorites, but I've gotten zero reviews. It's tough because I'd like to know what it is that people like or don't like, but I can't if they won't tell me. I don't like advertising my story, and I absolutely don't want to sound like I'm begging for approval. I just want to get better. Le sigh...

Have a good day, y'all.

edit: sorry, missed that I'm not supposed to put a link to a story.  'Pologies.

Modifié par seireikhaan, 03 juin 2012 - 04:54 .

[Mr.BlazenGlazen]

Don't know guys. I feel like I an lacking motivation. My goal was to write an interesting and kind of dark story from my shepard's point of view. Hence why the story is called "perspective". But if people get frusterated and are put off by my writing then I feel like I should just stop trying.

[Obsidian Gryphon]

seireikhaan wrote...

Hi everyone. Just sort of here to vent a little bit. I've idly considered writing in the past, but I turned it into something of a weekend hobby. But it's frustrating to not get feedback. I've started up a tale on the ff site about an idea that popped into my head in regards to the Geth and quarians, and I know it's got some people following it, a couple favorites, but I've gotten zero reviews. It's tough because I'd like to know what it is that people like or don't like, but I can't if they won't tell me. I don't like advertising my story, and I absolutely don't want to sound like I'm begging for approval. I just want to get better. Le sigh...

Have a good day, y'all.

edit: sorry, missed that I'm not supposed to put a link to a story.  'Pologies.

Is it in FF?

[seireikhaan]

You mean, is it on the fanfiction site? Yes, but I have a different username, Crimsonberzerker. Been fiddling with my signature to see if I can get a working link, not sure if it's up yet. Sigs work odd here. 

edit: apparently I am still fouling it up.  Odd...

Modifié par seireikhaan, 03 juin 2012 - 05:51 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

seireikhaan wrote...

You mean, is it on the fanfiction site? Yes, but I have a different username, Crimsonberzerker. Been fiddling with my signature to see if I can get a working link, not sure if it's up yet. Sigs work odd here. 

edit: apparently I am still fouling it up.  Odd...

I get a blank page when I clicked on your sig. FF links work, I did link mine once. Maybe you copied the wrong address or put in the wrong code? Something *url=web address*FF*/url*  ?

[Obsidian Gryphon]

Mr.BlazenGlazen wrote...

Don't know guys. I feel like I an lacking motivation. My goal was to write an interesting and kind of dark story from my shepard's point of view. Hence why the story is called "perspective". But if people get frusterated and are put off by my writing then I feel like I should just stop trying.

You have a vision. Don't give up. If you feel you are unable to put it down in words at the moment, take a break from writing, do something else of interest / motivating / enjoy and come back to it later.

[seireikhaan]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

seireikhaan wrote...

You mean, is it on the fanfiction site? Yes, but I have a different username, Crimsonberzerker. Been fiddling with my signature to see if I can get a working link, not sure if it's up yet. Sigs work odd here. 

edit: apparently I am still fouling it up.  Odd...

I get a blank page when I clicked on your sig. FF links work, I did link mine once. Maybe you copied the wrong address or put in the wrong code? Something *url=web address*FF*/url*  ?

Well, I know I used the correct adress, so it must be a formatting issue.  Yes, I used a format like that, but using brackets.  Apparently there's a different formatting required for this forum?

Modifié par seireikhaan, 03 juin 2012 - 06:03 .

[Obsidian Gryphon]

seireikhaan wrote...

Well, I know I used the correct adress, so it must be a formatting issue.  Yes, I used a format like that, but using brackets.  Apparently there's a different formatting required for this forum?

No, I just replaced the link in my sig and it works. Doesn't matter, you have already indicated the location of your story. Can be looked up.  

Modifié par Obsidian Gryphon, 03 juin 2012 - 06:11 .

[lillitheris]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Mr.BlazenGlazen wrote...

Don't know guys. I feel like I an lacking motivation. My goal was to write an interesting and kind of dark story from my shepard's point of view. Hence why the story is called "perspective". But if people get frusterated and are put off by my writing then I feel like I should just stop trying.

You have a vision. Don't give up. If you feel you are unable to put it down in words at the moment, take a break from writing, do something else of interest / motivating / enjoy and come back to it later.

I agree. I thought the excerpt was good (and some chapter I’d read at some point) as far as the story goes. The writing needs some work but that’s the ‘easy’ part.

So, take a full break, mull the story in your head and read, or spend a bit of time with various style guides, practice editing your previous work…

[gearseffect]

@Sialater, lillitheris, MrBlazen, many others. About why to write and not to, Write because you have a story you want to tell, because you want, you enjoy doing it, you want to get better at writing.

However the last part getting better, often times relies on Feedback/Reviews, honest upfront reviews, point out flaws, what works, where you need to improve, did you do certain things well, where you could improve at.

However Fanfic.net really don't have much in the way of reviews that critique your work. It is something I was going insane with the awhile back. I didn't have enough insight into what I did well what areas I could use to improve on. Also another thing I discovered is asking friends to take a look at your stuff is not a good idea, they just praise your stuff.

Which for me is odd, given everyone of my friends know I hate @sskissing. I'd rather someone be honest with me, then be told something for the sake of it being nice.

I know I'm not the brightest person out there, I also know that I'm smarter then I seem. I'm willing and eager to learn. Looking back at things, I really should have had some extra help in school, of what kind I don't know. My parents were too old school, that sort of thing was not acceptable, people would look down upon their kid, which meant they would be looked down upon too.

So I busted my @ss in school, it was harder then it should have been, I made it just barely. 4 years after High School, I got a dang good paying job. I find myself in a bitter environment around better people, and here I am writing again. As you can see, I have lots to say, writing is something I've always enjoyed, I just let myself be held back by things that I shouldn't have.

Too everyone else who's unsure if they are good at writing, ask yourself do you enjoy writing? Is it something you want to do? If so then do it, don't let anything stop you. However if you want honest feedback, well unless you make it known that your looking for people to criticize your work, it's not gonna happen, also as MidnightRaith stated a few pages back, Fanfic.net is rather lacking in decent honest well thought out reviews.

Sometimes advertising outside of Fanfic.net is a good idea, these forums are a good place to advertise, I have a DeviantArt account which is another good place to post your work, you gotta make yourself known.

Being loud and vocal, unafraid to say things is something I do well, it comes natural, so I use that to my advantage, if you just sit back in the shadows and keep quiet not many people notice you. Don't be afraid to speak up, ask for insight and don't hold yourself back.

Just go a few pages back, you'll see me second guessing myself, ranting about the lack of honest feedback, Now look here I am trying to inspiring others to continue writing.

I'm crazy, I'm manic, I'm up and down, and I say much, hell at times I evens say that I may just call it a day and give up fighting for better ME3 LI DLC content, fighting for what we were told, we were promised would be in ME3. But despite all my talk of that, when it comes down to it, I can't and won't stop, because I'm bullheaded, I'm not one to give up, I'm not gonna settle with what I got, or half @ssed, I'm gonna be here fighting for what I was told I'd be getting.

I don't give up, I don't turn my back, I Can't.

So don't give up, don't quite, you can feel down, feel like your losing faith, just don't give up and turn your back, find your second wind and get up and back into it. Raise your middle finger in defiance and proudly say "f*ck you @ssholes, I'm gonna do it, because I can and I want to"

[seireikhaan]

Heh. Perhaps a bit more, er, boldly stated than I'd generally considered, but well said. For eg, regardless of whether I can get the feedback I'd like, I have a story I wish to tell, and I will tell it in, generally, the manner I like. Life is really much more rewarding when you do the things you actually wish to do.