9960 réponses à ce sujet

[enayasoul]

On the "princess" take. I think what you wrote works. (fatigueduelism).

I believe I actually had Jack call Miranda "princess" but I'll have to double check my chapter. (Edit: Yep, I did. Chapter 12: Shakeup) Lolz.

I loved it when Jack called Miranda "precious"... And Miranda's expression... priceless.

Anything to tease dear Miranda.

Modifié par enayasoul, 17 février 2013 - 02:56 .

[nrobbiec]

Races are capitalised in Star Trek, which is why lower case looks wrong to me. Ah well, I'm sure no one will hold it against me
I will share this eventually, I'm not just popping up with random questions, it's turning out to be bigger than I expected.

[MrStoob]

enayasoul wrote...

On the "princess" take. I think what you wrote works. (fatigueduelism).

I believe I actually had Jack call Miranda "princess" but I'll have to double check my chapter. (Edit: Yep, I did. Chapter 12: Shakeup) Lolz.

I loved it when Jack called Miranda "precious"... And Miranda's expression... priceless.

Anything to tease dear Miranda.

I had fun with the SR-2 team using 'cheerleader' as the stock name for Miri.  Miri tells Shep she finds it almost endearing compared to the names she'd been labelled in previous operations, though she didn't want Jack to know this.  Was fun playing with her perceived 'uptightness' and the squad playing on it.

Here's a new one on me.  A reader suggested some kind of poll for how something is going to play out?!  Dunno why I bother sometimes... I'm not writing 'Warlock of Firetop Mountain'!  Hehe.  +10 internets for the reference.

[Drussius]

^ There are a few stories out there that do polls at the end of each Chapter to determine how things play out. Sort of an homage to the choices in the game. But I definitely wouldn't run my story that way. I typically have a vision I want to get into print, not write other peoples' visions.

That said, however, for those who DO want to let the reader's wishes guide a story, more power to you!

Modifié par Drussius, 17 février 2013 - 10:34 .

[MrStoob]

Drussius wrote...

^ There are a few stories out there that do polls at the end of each Chapter to determine how things play out. Sort of an homage to the choices in the game. But I definitely wouldn't run my story that way. I typically have a vision I want to get into print, not write other peoples' visions.

That said, however, for those who DO want to let the reader's wishes guide a story, more power to you!

Fair do's for thems that wants to do that.  However, I'm on the second book of my tale and have made no reference to such things.  I'm pretty sure some of the current readers haven't read book 1 or they'd know that the story is going to play out how it's going to play out and some of the questions being asked wouldn't have come up.  I try not to be swayed by story based suggestions and keep to my 'vision'.

I dunno, for book 1, I generally got reviews of the nature of 'I liked that bit' so this type of review is all new to me.

[hot_heart]

nrobbiec wrote...

I'm a bit confused by the inconsistent grammar used in the games, most race names aren't capitalised like salarian, turian etc, yet Reapers and Protheans are...
It looks wrong writing each species name in lower case and then to have two not be just looks clunky.

I think we had this discussion maaaany pages back.

I can't remember if this was the exact term used, but someone found a succinct way of expressing it. Reapers and Protheans (and Collectors) are 'mythical' races rather than contemporary ones.

[hot_heart]

Crap, this was meant to be a quicker/shorter chapter but I'm already over 4k words and I haven't even gotten past the in-game bit yet...

[Obsidian Gryphon]

^ As long as you are enjoying painting on the canvas, why worry over the number of words? 

[hot_heart]

True! I just worry that I take too long updating. Plus, about half of that is Miranda confronting her father before Shepard even arrives...

I wanted to add more than what the game shows, but I always worry about pacing, and overdoing things.

[AustereLemur799]

hot_heart wrote...

True! I just worry that I take too long updating. Plus, about half of that is Miranda confronting her father before Shepard even arrives...

I wanted to add more than what the game shows, but I always worry about pacing, and overdoing things.

You ain't got nothing on me! I haven't updated since November, which is really preying on my mind in a big way.

One of things I hate about myself as a writer is that I'm too long-winded. My chapters are like 12k and I just can't make them more concise, I think because I just talk too much crap.

Anyway, adding more things than what the games show is always a good thing. There were a lot of gaps in the games and plenty of room for filling. I know there's the saying that less is more, but in this case: more is good.

Don't worry too much about pacing; I'm sure you've got it right. As they say: the end justifies the means. Do what you have to do.

[hot_heart]

Hehe, thanks for the support, guys. I guess I'll see what the readers think when I finally finish it...

[AustereLemur799]

I suppose this is the right time to say that I have silent support of everyone. I admit that I'm notoriously bad at leaving reviews because I'm quite shy about that sort of thing.

But, nonetheless, you guys are a real inspriration and have also provided many hours of pleasure reading through your fics. So I thank you for that.

Again, looking beyond what the games gave us is awesome - that's why fanfic writers are so awesome.

[Ignis Mors]

AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I've got a bit of a flashback in my current chapter, but I'm not sure if it works. In it, Shepard's gone to bed, and I'm using it to fill the empty time, but I'm not sure that I've got Chakwas right in it. I have it that Shepard kept the stuff about Miranda a secret from the Alliance, but she mumbles about the last time she saw Miranda alive in her sleep, it being near the anniversary of MIri's staged death. And, Chakwas basically blackmails her for info. I see it as Chakwas being concerned about a marine, but I don't know if I've written it that way. Here's that bit.

Chakwas
came back to check Shepard's vitals, and heard the marine mumbling in
her sleep, “Miri, don't ask me to leave you here. I can get you
both out!”
Chakwas
thought, 'Strange that an N7 would talk in her sleep. Must be in
worse condition than I thought.' but when she double checked the
vitals and neurological activity, it looked no worse than her first
quick check had told her. 'Must just be something very personal.
I'll have to look into it tomorrow.'
The
next morning Chakwas entered the room Shepard was in, and asked, “How
are you doing?”
“I've felt better.”

“What's
the issue? Are any of the wounds hurting?”
“It doesn't matter,
I can still do my job fine.”
“Is
it about someone called Miri?”
“How do you know about that? It
wasn't in my file.” Shepard said, lighting up her omni-tool
threateningly.
“I was sent to check your condition last night,
and you started mumbling about someone named Miri.”
“What did
I say?”
“You asked her to not ask you to leave her somewhere.
That you could get her and someone else both out.”
Shepard
lowered her omni-tool, and said, “Can I get going?”
“You're
free to leave, but if you do, I'll have to put this in my report on
your condition. I'd rather not, seeing as it seems to be very
personal to you, but I have to know .”
“It
doesn't matter.”
“If
you were talking about it in your sleep, it has to have some kind of
relevance.”
“You want to know about it? Ask my mom, she's more
willing to talk about it than I am.”
“Shepard, I need to know
before I file my report. I won't be able to talk to your mother
before then.”
Shepard sighed, and said, “She was the only
person I've ever loved. Her father murdered her, and I couldn't do
anything. Today's the only day it will be a big issue, and there's
nothing that requires me to be at my peak. So, is that enough to keep
it out of your report?”
Chakwas saw the pain in Shepard's eyes,
and while she clearly didn't feel fully satisfied with the amount of
information, said, “Yes, you can go without worrying about it.”

And, that's the section. What do you guys think?

[MrStoob]

Seems quite fair enough to me. The mental well being of the commanding officer may well be the responsibility of a more 'independent' member of the crew, and Chakwas would have to take that into consideration if that fell to her. I used Chakwas in a similar role when my Shep went off the rails somewhat, though not quite so officiously. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's the character you're going for.

Edit: hmm, part of your question asks whether we think you got Chakwas 'right'.  I wouldn't personally see her as quite that officious.  They are quite pally in game and she would probably be more forgiving with what should be stringent procedure.  But maybe that's just my take on her.

Modifié par MrStoob, 18 février 2013 - 01:11 .

[Ignis Mors]

MrStoob wrote...

Seems quite fair enough to me. The mental well being of the commanding officer may well be the responsibility of a more 'independent' member of the crew, and Chakwas would have to take that into consideration if that fell to her. I used Chakwas in a similar role when my Shep went off the rails somewhat, though not quite so officiously. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's the character you're going for.

I forgot to mention this, but this is after the Blitz, and I don't have Shepard as the CO on Elysium. Does that make any difference?

[MrStoob]

A military doctor should look for those signs regardless I would think.  BTW I edited my response a bit above if you want to look.
Ninja'd. 

[Ignis Mors]

MrStoob wrote...

A military doctor should look for those signs regardless I would think.  BTW I edited my response a bit above if you want to look.
Ninja'd. 

Thanks for the input. I see that they become really pally, but with Jessica(really had trouble with that section of calling her Shepard) she had to be more oficious and firm, because she wasn't one to listen to reason, or talk about her feelings. She just tried to bury the pain. Thanks for the feedback!

[Ignis Mors]

Woohoo! Sent Chapter 57 off to my beta, now I can finally relax.  Anyone else feel like their chapters are sometimes too short? Because, when I look back at my early ones, I'm like, "Wow, that took no time to read." and it makes me feel bad. Because, it seems like the early chapters it took me longer to load the page than to read the chapter. Though, that could just be because my PC has been running really slow.

[fluffywalrus]

Ignis Mors wrote...

Woohoo! Sent Chapter 57 off to my beta, now I can finally relax.  Anyone else feel like their chapters are sometimes too short? Because, when I look back at my early ones, I'm like, "Wow, that took no time to read." and it makes me feel bad. Because, it seems like the early chapters it took me longer to load the page than to read the chapter. Though, that could just be because my PC has been running really slow.

I don't tend to worry about short chapters (mine tend to run long, but really, if I were to find myself in the position where a short chapter made sense, I'd be alright with it).

The only thing that tends to bug me about short blocks of writing are short one shots that have descriptions insinuating some deep event or issue, and it's like 800 words.  Wordcount is always the second thing I look at when scouring the FFnet archives. if I don't feel a one-shot wordcount is fitting to the fic's description, I generally avoid it. I mean, can you do all of Noveria and a post-Noveria scene in 1000 words? Sure. Will it be good? 99% of the time, no. Doing a one shot with one character worrying about their romantic feelings for another character, and there's an eventual discussion between the two? Cool. Can it be done well in 400 words? No. 

I figure, short chapters in a longer fic is alright. Lets the author figure out a good pace, a good style, and lets them build piece by piece. There's no need to start, expand upon, and conclude a single concept, or series of concepts, in such a confined space.
Short one-shots? The vast majority under 1000 words aren't worth anyone's time, and I can say that confidently. Unless you're into having to use all of your imaginative abilities to fill in the blanks, it's just not really worth reading something so barren. Only the comedic fics tend to meet any decent standards (because honestly, a joke that's 800 words long can be a great joke), and some writers have the ability to be absolutely potent and powerful within a small amount of words (Salser on FFnet was one such author).

Modifié par fluffywalrus, 18 février 2013 - 04:25 .

[hot_heart]

Ignis Mors wrote...
And, that's the section. What do you guys think?

Sorry for getting to this a little late. Seems fine to me.

My only comment would be that I have this lasting impression that Chakwas is fond of using military titles where appropriate (like in the first bit of speech, for example). Though that could be me conflating the memorable voice-acting with the knowledge that Chakwas likes serving aboard military ships.

[hot_heart]

OK, mini-dilemmas.

#1. I've got some interactions on Sanctuary that I like with Vega, Tali, Garrus and Ash, which leaves Liara and EDI as the choices for the squad mates during the scene shown in-game. Do you think Miranda would be aware of EDI's new body somehow, or might it be feasible that she'd just figure it's nothing more than that same old Shepard recruiting an eclectic mix of individuals to join his team?

#2. Because I can't really bear/afford the time to replay through the game again, looking for something that may not exist, is there a 'known' reaction from Vega when surprised? I'd be tempted to use 'meu deus' (apparently, "my god" in Portugese) but that seems a little trite and shoehorned. Maybe just a dude-like "woah" will suffice.

[nrobbiec]

In Leviathan when Ann gets possessed he does exclaim "Dios!"

[hot_heart]

Thank you very much! That may be where I was remembering it from.

Though, isn't that Spanish? Hmm... I figured Vega/Prinze Jr.'s Puerto Rican background meant he included Portugese. Unless the language borrows from both?

[nrobbiec]

I've only seen Vega speak Spanish (gracias, pendejo) and I don't think it ever mentioned the character being Puerto Rican?

Modifié par nrobbiec, 19 février 2013 - 12:15 .

[hot_heart]

o rly? Guess I didn't pay too much attention to him. I knew his character's ethnicity was drawing from the actor's own (in the same way Miranda was made Australian to match Yvonne Strahovski), but checking now, it turns out I overlooked the Spanish part. Oops.

Thanks for the info. Good job I checked. Much appreciated!

Anyone with any thoughts on #1?

Modifié par hot_heart, 19 février 2013 - 12:23 .