9960 réponses à ce sujet

[MrStoob]

Hmmm, yea. I was wondering if I should just ignore it and go with it anyway. In my last chapter they interact a lot and the one I'm working on goes further. I may as well just go with it and be prepared for comments pointing out my error. lol

Why let facts get in the way of a good story eh?

Modifié par MrStoob, 10 juin 2012 - 02:08 .

[lillitheris]

Caligno wrote...

I've been working on a Mass Effect fanfic for the past few months, and I've received close to no criticism outside of my beta readers. If anyone could go through it and help me figure out what kind of bad habits or general issues I tend to have are, I would greatly appreciate it. The story is right here. Any extra angles and opinions would greatly help me going forward.

That said, I'm also willing to be a bouncing board for ideas or to go through other fanfics to give my own reviews.

I didn’t have time to actually read, I just glanced at it. Quick note: the “POV X” is an immediate turnoff for me…it makes it seem as though it won’t be clear from the text itself (which is a big sign of poor writing). It could be just me, but it feels like you’re shooting yourself in the foot on that one.

Modifié par lillitheris, 10 juin 2012 - 02:19 .

[dpMeggers]

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Caligno wrote...

Obsidian Gryphon wrote...

Going to ask about chapter 2 here because I find it rather strange that a green recruit, is invited into the N7 program. The ICT only recruits officers, soldiers who had already undergone officer's training and the field of fire. Furthermore, Garvel was given command after a few weeks in the training course? I don't think ICT would readily dump a squad under someone who has not earned his stripes or even gone on a single mission, even if he's a extremely talented biotic with extraordinary powers. If I were an officer in that program and told I've to follow the orders of such, I'll be wondering if there's a problem with the brass. Could you make some clarifications? I'nm curious.

"Initially, candidates train for more than 20 hours per day, leading small combat teams through hostile terrain with little sleep or food. Trainees who do well are awarded an internal designation of N1 and are invited to return. Subsequent courses - N2 through N6 - are often held off-planet and include instruction in zero-G combat, military free-fall (parachuting), jetpack flight, combat diving, combat instruction, linguistics, and frontline trauma care for human and alien biology. "

Excerpt taken from the Mass Effect Wiki's N7 page. Was it unclear?

Good point about his acceptance in the first place, though. I'll try to find a way to make that flow better.

That is true. That clarifies the type of training the candidates undergo. However, the first paragraph stated :

Interplanetary Combatives Training (ICT) is the Systems Alliance's premier school for leadership and combat expertise. The Interplanetary Combatives Academy, sometimes called "N-School" or "the villa," recruits officers from every branch of Earth's militaries to partake in grueling courses at Vila Militar in Rio de Janeiro.

and

There is little shame in failing an N course - the training is so extreme that even qualifying for N1 elevates an officer to a position of respect. The universal prestige of merely attending the academy helps to restrain trainees from taking excessive risks in pursuit of higher honors.

Although ICT qualification by itself does not guarantee higher rank, those officers who are able to complete the program are typically well suited to senior leadership positions.


Chapter 1 started off fine, but the pacing of chapter 2 was uneven, like you're rushing to kick the char up the ranks, so to speak.   A good read nevertheless.  

If you pick up Alliance Spec Ops Team Delta as a War Asset in ME3 you get the following blurb:

'Half of team Delta's officers have an N5 designation, with a few N6 soldiers in the ranks. They specialize in conflicts outside Citadel space. Delta is known for strict admission standards, professionalism on high-stakes missions, and the Alliance's loudest parties. When asked how senior staff looks at their off-duty rowdiness, Captain Matthew Brown was quoted saying "After the **** we went through in the Terminus Systems, they're just happy we're not burning down the base " '

So not every graduate of ICT is a comissioned officer. (I had to look this up for my own fic.)

[lillitheris]

dpMeggers wrote...

If you pick up Alliance Spec Ops Team Delta as a War Asset in ME3 you get the following blurb:

'Half of team Delta's officers have an N5 designation, with a few N6 soldiers in the ranks. They specialize in conflicts outside Citadel space. Delta is known for strict admission standards, professionalism on high-stakes missions, and the Alliance's loudest parties. When asked how senior staff looks at their off-duty rowdiness, Captain Matthew Brown was quoted saying "After the **** we went through in the Terminus Systems, they're just happy we're not burning down the base " '

So not every graduate of ICT is a comissioned officer. (I had to look this up for my own fic.)

They definitely* are. Soldier ≠ private or NCO. A general can be referred to as a soldier.


* As definite as we can be, that is. The codex is pretty clear.

Modifié par lillitheris, 10 juin 2012 - 02:43 .

[lillitheris]

lillitheris wrote...

Caligno wrote...

I've been working on a Mass Effect fanfic for the past few months, and I've received close to no criticism outside of my beta readers. If anyone could go through it and help me figure out what kind of bad habits or general issues I tend to have are, I would greatly appreciate it. The story is right here. Any extra angles and opinions would greatly help me going forward.

That said, I'm also willing to be a bouncing board for ideas or to go through other fanfics to give my own reviews.

I didn’t have time to actually read, I just glanced at it. Quick note: the “POV X” is an immediate turnoff for me…it makes it seem as though it won’t be clear from the text itself (which is a big sign of poor writing). It could be just me, but it feels like you’re shooting yourself in the foot on that one.

I’m also getting all kinds of “Gary Stu” vibes from the first two chapters…it seems that Garvil doesn’t really have any flaws. This might be a premature judgment, though, given I’ve not gotten very far…

[gearseffect]

MrStoob wrote...

Hmmm, yea. I was wondering if I should just ignore it and go with it anyway. In my last chapter they interact a lot and the one I'm working on goes further. I may as well just go with it and be prepared for comments pointing out my error. lol

Why let facts get in the way of a good story eh?

This my not be much comfert to you MrStoob, or maybe very much, I have Redemtion and let me say that once I read it, it hurt Liara's character more than it did her any good. Espessially given that her whole life's mission for the last 2 years was revenge on the shadow broker, for Feron. Feron was this double, tripple dealing backstabing SOB and for Liara to get attached to that jerk like she did, umm yeah lets just say that the comic series hurts both Liara and Feron's character. Feron sold Liara out to the Shadow Broker, Cerberus, TIM, Aria, the Blue Suns, if my mind serves me right. He was backstabing Liara and Shep's dead body changed hands so many times due to Feron backstabing everyone.

I'd have no problem if you didn't put any credit towards Redemtion, after reading Redemtion, it's one of those things I wished I'd never read read. It did so much damage to Liara and Feron, and the whole SB thing it's sick.

[fluffywalrus]

gearseffect wrote...

MrStoob wrote...

Hmmm, yea. I was wondering if I should just ignore it and go with it anyway. In my last chapter they interact a lot and the one I'm working on goes further. I may as well just go with it and be prepared for comments pointing out my error. lol

Why let facts get in the way of a good story eh?

This my not be much comfert to you MrStoob, or maybe very much, I have Redemtion and let me say that once I read it, it hurt Liara's character more than it did her any good. Espessially given that her whole life's mission for the last 2 years was revenge on the shadow broker, for Feron. Feron was this double, tripple dealing backstabing SOB and for Liara to get attached to that jerk like she did, umm yeah lets just say that the comic series hurts both Liara and Feron's character. Feron sold Liara out to the Shadow Broker, Cerberus, TIM, Aria, the Blue Suns, if my mind serves me right. He was backstabing Liara and Shep's dead body changed hands so many times due to Feron backstabing everyone.

I'd have no problem if you didn't put any credit towards Redemtion, after reading Redemtion, it's one of those things I wished I'd never read read. It did so much damage to Liara and Feron, and the whole SB thing it's sick.

I actually didn't really mind Redemption, though I do feel it wasn't fleshed out enough for my liking, and Feron backstabbed her one too many times. I can believe Liara would feel guilt over Feron being captured, that she'd feel she had blood on her hands because she got away and he didn't, because in the end...he helped her.

That, and she felt guilt over possibly desecrating Shepard's corpse and needed an outlet, and a convenient excuse to justify her anger, at herself and at what happened.

I just feel it needed some more content to really push those key points home.

@MrStoob, honestly, just do what you want to do. Nothing's wrong with an AU tweak so long as it's justified. So far, your Liara/Aria meetup has been justified well, so I don't see the issue in continuing. This is a minor minor minor lore shift that's rather inconsequential.

Modifié par fluffywalrus, 10 juin 2012 - 04:14 .

[MrStoob]

Cheers all. I do worry about this kind of thing though as the ME universe is quite dear to us all. But yea, it's not like I killed off a VS character or something drastic. I've uploaded the next Liara/Aria chapter anyway.  Hope you enjoy.

EDIT: oh, it's the story called Blue for anyone interested.

Modifié par MrStoob, 10 juin 2012 - 05:08 .

[Caligno]

lillitheris wrote...

lillitheris wrote...

Caligno wrote...

I've been working on a Mass Effect fanfic for the past few months, and I've received close to no criticism outside of my beta readers. If anyone could go through it and help me figure out what kind of bad habits or general issues I tend to have are, I would greatly appreciate it. The story is right here. Any extra angles and opinions would greatly help me going forward.

That said, I'm also willing to be a bouncing board for ideas or to go through other fanfics to give my own reviews.

I didn’t have time to actually read, I just glanced at it. Quick note: the “POV X” is an immediate turnoff for me…it makes it seem as though it won’t be clear from the text itself (which is a big sign of poor writing). It could be just me, but it feels like you’re shooting yourself in the foot on that one.

I’m also getting all kinds of “Gary Stu” vibes from the first two chapters…it seems that Garvil doesn’t really have any flaws. This might be a premature judgment, though, given I’ve not gotten very far…

I'm remaking the first few chapters for exactly this reason, as I wasn't clear on certain things I wanted to be made clear. The third and fifth chapters give him flaws.

[noxiuniversitas1]

fluffywalrus wrote...

I, for one, dislike Kaidan, Jacob(the priiiizze) and Miranda. I've tried to like them, but I can't. Yet, I really enjoy Tali, Wrex, Ashley, and Jack. I'm lukewarm on Garrus, who everyone seems BFFs with. It's just how we take to different characters.

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Ash was annoying as hell in ME3... a bit of a let down as I thought BW would use it as an opportunity to make up for the antagonism seen in ME2. But... nope.

Miranda had a lot of potential, but in the end she just fell flat on her face and felt really one-dimensional. Her superiority-inferiority complex could have played out in much more interesting ways than "I'm defined by my perfect genes, blah blah blah"

As for Liara, well I've got a soft spot for Liara . I much preferred her adorable cuteness in ME1... never really got how she suddenly flipped to angsty revenge-driven badass and always thought it was a bit jarring. Oh well, I guess she had to grow up eventually, but it could have been a bit of a smoother ride.

And despite what some people might think from my fic, I'm actually a hopeless romantic, pretty sappy and a complete sucker for happy endings, so the EC had better give our favorite characters some <3... I don't particularly care if it requires more

Modifié par noxiuniversitas1, 10 juin 2012 - 07:39 .

[lillitheris]

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

fluffywalrus wrote...

I, for one, dislike Kaidan, Jacob(the priiiizze) and Miranda. I've tried to like them, but I can't. Yet, I really enjoy Tali, Wrex, Ashley, and Jack. I'm lukewarm on Garrus, who everyone seems BFFs with. It's just how we take to different characters.

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Ash was annoying as hell in ME3... a bit of a let down as I thought BW would use it as an opportunity to make up for the antagonism seen in ME2. But... nope.

Miranda had a lot of potential, but in the end she just fell flat on her face and felt really one-dimensional. Her superiority-inferiority complex could have played out in much more interesting ways than "I'm defined by my perfect genes, blah blah blah"

Miranda can be interesting. I’m approaching her character from the perspective that she’s defined by the word ‘driven’…and in “Unity”, right now essentially all her drives are gone.

Kaidan/Ash are about the same…both have their sides. I’m not really keen on either, but I think both have a potential arc (I have Kaidan, as it happens).

I don’t get why people don’t like Jacob. I suppose it’s just the hyperinflation of every other character that makes him supposedly flat.

[MrStoob]

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

fluffywalrus wrote...

I, for one, dislike Kaidan, Jacob(the priiiizze) and Miranda. I've tried to like them, but I can't. Yet, I really enjoy Tali, Wrex, Ashley, and Jack. I'm lukewarm on Garrus, who everyone seems BFFs with. It's just how we take to different characters.

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Ash was annoying as hell in ME3... a bit of a let down as I thought BW would use it as an opportunity to make up for the antagonism seen in ME2. But... nope.

Miranda had a lot of potential, but in the end she just fell flat on her face and felt really one-dimensional. Her superiority-inferiority complex could have played out in much more interesting ways than "I'm defined by my perfect genes, blah blah blah"

As for Liara, well I've got a soft spot for Liara . I much preferred her adorable cuteness in ME1... never really got how she suddenly flipped to angsty revenge-driven badass and always thought it was a bit jarring. Oh well, I guess she had to grow up eventually, but it could have been a bit of a smoother ride.

And despite what some people might think from my fic, I'm actually a hopeless romantic, pretty sappy and a complete sucker for happy endings, so the EC had better give our favorite characters some <3... I don't particularly care if it requires more

I never did quite get the whole Garrus thing.  Friends in work had said they always saw him as the #1 of the ship, 2nd in command and their right hand man.  I think this view was popular, so they added it in for ME3.  My view of ME1 Garrus was, guy with daddy issues who doesn't care who he harms to get the job done, meh lol.

Despite Miranda's hot/cold moments in ME3, I really was affected by her death (yea, she died in my 1st play through).  But that was probably more due to the good acting and Oriana's reaction.

Never really warmed to Thane much either, but again, his death was well done.  Caused a lump in my throat anyway.

I also wanted to take Ash and give her a good shake lol.  "Are we on the same side or what, woman?  Can you finish a conversation without a 'but...'?"

Modifié par MrStoob, 10 juin 2012 - 07:59 .

[fainmaca]

I actually like every character on Shepard's squad in ME1 and 2. Sure, Liara and Ash seemed more mediocre in my books (I found it hard to tolerate the 'tell the aliens from the animals' line in particular) but I could respect that they were well written.

My fave will always be Jack, closely followed by Wrex, but I think everyone has a nice little complexity behind the scenes. Jacob... I actually have something in common with his backstory, so I can relate to the character a little, but I also think he's always straight-up with Shepard and very respectful, something I appreciate. Its refreshing to have a crew member who is quite open with you. I remember reading a fic somewhere that pointed out he is the only person on the squad who salutes Shepard in ME2. I like that.

As for Miranda, I tried to develop her a little in my fic by expanded on the fact that her genetic engineering weighs heavily on her mind. I did this by having a number of children created with her genes, and then working on how she'd deal with the genetic origins that she felt were a burden being passed on to another generation through her. So far, I think I'm doing okay.

But anyway! This thread isn't about which squaddie you like/dislike! Its about good fanfiction. sorry for OT.

Modifié par fainmaca, 10 juin 2012 - 08:53 .

[PMC65]

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Garrus and the Archangel role was a big disappointment for me. I was so proud of Wrex when I saw him trying to lead his people and would have been even more proud to have found Garrus sitting where Captain Bailey was. They could have made him an option to use on all the Citadel missions (think Liara in the LotSB) and for those choosing a romance they could have had that option open as you visited him in his home.
The Archangel should have been a batarian … EW Shepard working with a batarian? That could have really forced her to look at her past, deal or not deal with her hate … but nope. There was Garrus instead and no better after ME1 … at least for me.  

[lillitheris]

Yay PMC! <3

[MidnightRaith]

I was a bit disappointed with Garrus as well. I paragoned him into going back to C-Sec and then he relapsed into the same mindset I found him in....

Blah, Chapter 2 is very meh. Rewrite powers activate!

[noxiuniversitas1]

PMC65 wrote...

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Garrus and the Archangel role was a big disappointment for me. I was so proud of Wrex when I saw him trying to lead his people and would have been even more proud to have found Garrus sitting where Captain Bailey was. They could have made him an option to use on all the Citadel missions (think Liara in the LotSB) and for those choosing a romance they could have had that option open as you visited him in his home.
The Archangel should have been a batarian … EW Shepard working with a batarian? That could have really forced her to look at her past, deal or not deal with her hate … but nope. There was Garrus instead and no better after ME1 … at least for me.  

Good point. I suspect it might have been a tough toss-up between the two. It would have been awesome if he could have had different roles depending on his ME1 conversations with Shep, but it would probably have been way too much work. Speaking of the batarians... they're another species which came across as too one-dimensional. They would have been interesting to explore in ME3 given their roles in (certain) Shep's backstory and ME2, but... they just got wiped out. And Arrival was such a wonderful opportunity to explore Shepard's character and her crew's/humanity's/alien's take on her (and others), but was unfortunately wasted.

I'm sorry not to have had the opportunity to read any of your fics yet. By all accounts, they are outstanding. It's on my very long "to do" list... hopefully during a short period of annual leave I have coming up

Modifié par noxiuniversitas1, 10 juin 2012 - 09:07 .

[lillitheris]

MidnightRaith wrote...

I was a bit disappointed with Garrus as well. I paragoned him into going back to C-Sec and then he relapsed into the same mindset I found him in....

I think many of the GBFF4E fall in the trap of just seeing him as an Errol Flynn rogue, when he actually goes way into Real Pirate territory quite a bit. Garrus can be an interesting character too, seeing as he’s about three times as impulsive and nonconformable as the average turian.

I don’t really have a problem with the Archangel bit (I remember the F— Yeah! realization at some point before…wait…turian? Sniping people?). I’d have been pretty disillusioned with the Powers that Be at the Citadel if the death of my bestest buddy and the whole Saren bit just got swept under the rug.

Blah, Chapter 2 is very meh. Rewrite powers activate!

Wee! Healing well enough to write, then?

…

No-one please add a Flynn moustache onto a Garrus image.

Modifié par lillitheris, 10 juin 2012 - 09:40 .

[hot_heart]

lillitheris wrote...
Miranda can be interesting. I’m
approaching her character from the perspective that she’s defined by the
word ‘driven’…and in “Unity”, right now essentially all her drives are
gone.

I agree...obviously.
In ME3 especially, she is almost directionless, given her situation.

Essentially, all characters can be interesting if well-written. Hopefully I've achieved that, despite working with her ME3 role. And I quite enjoy seeing what different writers do with the characters.

As with, Garrus, yeah, it was a little disappointing to see him become The Punisher regardless of ME1 influence...but then maybe he needs a strong leader like Shepard to focus him. Some characters are like that.

Modifié par hot_heart, 10 juin 2012 - 09:42 .

[MrStoob]

lillitheris wrote...
No-one please add a Flynn moustache onto a Garrus image.

Now that just sounds like an invitation 

[fluffywalrus]

noxiuniversitas1 wrote...

fluffywalrus wrote...

I, for one, dislike Kaidan, Jacob(the priiiizze) and Miranda. I've tried to like them, but I can't. Yet, I really enjoy Tali, Wrex, Ashley, and Jack. I'm lukewarm on Garrus, who everyone seems BFFs with. It's just how we take to different characters.

Amazing coincidence... I felt pretty much the same way about all those characters! Garrus in ME1 was very meh, ME2 slightly bettter. ME3 he suddenly became a bro, which was cool and all, but until some of his more personal scenes with Shep, I was quite impartial to him.

Ash was annoying as hell in ME3... a bit of a let down as I thought BW would use it as an opportunity to make up for the antagonism seen in ME2. But... nope.

Miranda had a lot of potential, but in the end she just fell flat on her face and felt really one-dimensional. Her superiority-inferiority complex could have played out in much more interesting ways than "I'm defined by my perfect genes, blah blah blah"

As for Liara, well I've got a soft spot for Liara . I much preferred her adorable cuteness in ME1... never really got how she suddenly flipped to angsty revenge-driven badass and always thought it was a bit jarring. Oh well, I guess she had to grow up eventually, but it could have been a bit of a smoother ride.

And despite what some people might think from my fic, I'm actually a hopeless romantic, pretty sappy and a complete sucker for happy endings, so the EC had better give our favorite characters some <3... I don't particularly care if it requires more

Aye. I mean, everyone had potential, but it fell far from the mark. I tried getting Garrus to see that being this super renegade bro wasn't a cool idea, and by the end of ME1 he agreed, and then....welp, he forgot I guess. Or didn't care. Both kind of bugged me and kept me from really enjoying his character. I kind of respected him for sticking to his guns, but...meh. He makes for an intersting turian, just not that amazing of a character in general, I guess. I liked him enough. Just not as much as I wanted to.

Miranda had potential, but the writing for her and the direction they took her in was really...tame. I expected more, and because I didn't get that, it was hard to emphasize with Miranda. The LotSB dossier helped a bit, but even then, it was kind of roughly handled.

Jacob...I just disliked him for mostly in-game reasons. I couldn't be nice to him without flirting, and I didn't want him to think of my Shep as "the Priiiizze" so I kind of avoided him. That, and he's awfully judgmental sometimes. As a character, it's hard for me to get to know him, playing Femshep, without going renegade with him and peeving him off. He's kind of like Garrus, except more annoying because of how he's set up in the game. He's just meh.

I'll admit, the ending of ME3 crushed me beyond belief, and I was heartbroken for over a month. On one hand, I wanted my Shep to be with Liara after the defeat of the Reapers, as I'm also a fair bit of a romantic, but...I didn't expect my Shep to live. ME3 was her death march, her final weeks, trying to accomplish as much good as she could before taking her leave. Trying to love as fiercely as she could with the time she was given.

So I kind of just wanted an ending that showed my character's love and devotion to that wonderful asari shadow broker, maybe some visually-rendered hopes for the future, like Quarians on Rannoch with the Geth, Krogan rebuilding on Tuchanka, Thessia being restored to its former glory, the Elcor getting a spot on the council like they so very much deserve, etc....when it didn't happen, I wrote one.

And that led to me writing my origin fic

[MrStoob]

 

[Mr.BlazenGlazen]

Been almost two weeks since I wrote my last chapter. I was still trying to add in different parts in the excerpt I posted to make it flow better, I kind of gave up on it today and moved onto the other parts of the chapter. Writing details properly and using better vocabulary is harder than I thought.

[MrStoob]

I have an 'anon' reviewer called 'hopelessly blue'. If you hang here, I just want to thank you for all your kind words on each chapter. And as you asked: Aria's motivations are just as they appear, to me she's not always scheming.

[MidnightRaith]

On my phone so I can't quote, but I would have liked Garrus to go back to C-Sec with his unorthodox-ness and we recruiting him after helping him with something on the Citadel. After all, it was his "do anything necessary" attitude that I wanted to fix, not his entire personality.

Yep, I'm healing nicely, but Chapter 2 was kinda blah even before my surgery now that I think about it. Probably why it was taking so long because I didn't like it and my ideas weren't flowing. This one is looking much better.