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[Mad-Hamlet]

Closing the distance between them, she flung her arms around his neck
and met his lips with her own. It was a breathless, desperate, clinging kiss. For
a few heartbeats R.J. closed his eyes, and let himself drown in the feeling of
her, his arms around her waist and back, pulling her closer, the scent of her
surrounding him, mint and antiseptic, the way her tongue ran tentatively over
his bottom lip sending prickles up his spine. Just a few heartbeats was all he
allowed himself before he broke off, resting his forehead on hers. It wasn’t
enough. It never was, but that was the price to be paid when your relationship
consisted of sneaking around after hours so that you didn’t end your career on
a charge.

Could be differences in style. It's not...stilted exactly. Too wordy and ...ah. That old nugget: Too telling. You're telling well, but telling.

Closing the distance between them, she flung her arms around his neck
and met his lips with her own. Clinging, she gasps into his mouth. Her nails digging into his skin through the uniform.
He closes his eyes, the double speed pace of his heart hammering alongside the surging need that is only more savage appetite with her pressed up against him, not less.
He breathes her in: mint, antiseptic, heat. A tremor, a tingle sizzles across his nerves as she, giggling, runs her tongue along his lower lip.
He nibbles, she gasps arching against him. A heartbeat. Two.
With a groan he pulls away from her, his breath whistling like an over taxed engine.
"Not enough," he rasped in a throaty rumble.

"No," she replied taking a step away, toward the door through which she'd come. "Never enough."

He could only grunt an affirmative, too busy wrestling the beast behind his eyes back into its cage.

"But that's the price," she whispered and was gone.

A few moments passed in the shadows of the now empty room.

"And I pay it gladly."

Then again I'm a bit more...er...visceral in my writing. Also the bulk of this is his perspective, I'm not sure what it is in your actual work.

[hot_heart]

dpMeggers wrote...
The goal: get the above info across without sounding stilted, like it was written by a 12 year old or like it belongs in a cheesy romance novel.

I really like it!

I think it might be better to have him drown 'in the moment' rather than the feeling. Might just be me, but the language there doesn't quite gel as well as it could due to that. Might benefit from rearranging some of the sensations, too?

Also, I would've opted for 'Those few heartbeats were/was (UK/US difference there) all he allowed himself'. And maybe mention if he's 'gazing into her eyes' or closing them to 'savour the feeling' there?

Other than that, it reads a little like a 'first kiss' due to the length and amount of detail, which I'm not sure is your intention. If so, might be worth looking at what can be cut or altered to reduce that impression.

Modifié par hot_heart, 04 avril 2013 - 10:57 .

[enayasoul]

I like it dpMeggers. Sounds good!   Good suggestions from above...

Modifié par enayasoul, 04 avril 2013 - 10:51 .

[MrStoob]

hot_heart wrote...
What is the 'strongest' reaction a reader has ever had to one of your stories? No holding back!

I got a few people hot under the collar when I paried a certain pairing.  Demands and threats were made lol.

To paraphrase one person, "Tell me X will end up with Y or I'm not going to read the rest."

That particular pairing and the scenario caused a few pm's to go to and fro.

[dpMeggers]

Holy hell...so many quick replies. A blanket thank you here. I'm off to rewrite and edit.

[Ignis Mors]

hot_heart wrote...
What is the 'strongest' reaction a reader has ever had to one of your stories? No holding back!

I got someone who was really sad about the chapter where I ended it with it looking like Kasumi was dead. 

[MrStoob]

Snippet of a scene I did re: EDI

EDI has just finished speaking with the crew over the comm

Garrus looks perturbed, "I know she can probably still hear me, but I hate it when she does that. I always wonder if while speaking to us, she and Joker are actually..."

"Uh!" many hands are raised to halt him.

"Talking! I was only going to say talking! I wonder if she is having two conversations at once! That's all! I'd hate that..."

Then he smiles, wryly, with a soft, gravelly chuckle as his pondering hand comes up to his chin.

"Ew! Garrus!" Tali says as she slaps the offending hand from its position.

Modifié par MrStoob, 04 avril 2013 - 11:21 .

[dpMeggers]

MrStoob wrote...

Snippet of a scene I did re: EDI

EDI has just finished speaking with the crew over the comm

Garrus looks perturbed, "I know she can probably still hear me, but I hate it when she does that. I always wonder if while speaking to us, she and Joker are actually..."

"Uh!" many hands are raised to halt him.

"Talking! I was only going to say talking! I wonder if she is having two conversations at once! That's all! I'd hate that..."

Then he smiles, wryly, with a soft, gravelly chuckle as his pondering hand comes up to his chin.

"Ew! Garrus!" Tali says as she slaps the offending hand from its position.

Bahaha! Oh Garrus. Get your mind out of the gutter.

[Seracen]

MrStoob wrote...

Snippet of a scene I did re: EDI

EDI has just finished speaking with the crew over the comm

Garrus looks perturbed, "I know she can probably still hear me, but I hate it when she does that. I always wonder if while speaking to us, she and Joker are actually..."

"Uh!" many hands are raised to halt him.

"Talking! I was only going to say talking! I wonder if she is having two conversations at once! That's all! I'd hate that..."

Then he smiles, wryly, with a soft, gravelly chuckle as his pondering hand comes up to his chin.

"Ew! Garrus!" Tali says as she slaps the offending hand from its position.

HAHAHA!  I am so pissed I never thought of that!  Good one, I like it! 

[ftkerns]

MrStoob wrote...

Snippet of a scene I did re: EDI

EDI has just finished speaking with the crew over the comm

Garrus looks perturbed, "I know she can probably still hear me, but I hate it when she does that. I always wonder if while speaking to us, she and Joker are actually..."

"Uh!" many hands are raised to halt him.

"Talking! I was only going to say talking! I wonder if she is having two conversations at once! That's all! I'd hate that..."

Then he smiles, wryly, with a soft, gravelly chuckle as his pondering hand comes up to his chin.

"Ew! Garrus!" Tali says as she slaps the offending hand from its position.

Heeehehehehe! I can totally see Garrus doing that.  Awesome.

[Seracen]

Oh Lord...finally posted the first 8 Chapters of the new fic. Links are in the sig. Here's hoping folks like it!

Thanks to the kind souls in this forum for inspiring me to get off my lazy arse, lol. Feel free to leave feedback! I can surely understand the sheer dint of reading most of us have to do, so no biggie if you add me to the backlog!

The betas got up to chapter 20. Now, to write a few more chapters so I can keep my headstart...blargh...

[Ignis Mors]

Seracen wrote...

Oh Lord...finally posted the first 8 Chapters of the new fic. Links are in the sig. Here's hoping folks like it!

Thanks to the kind souls in this forum for inspiring me to get off my lazy arse, lol. Feel free to leave feedback! I can surely understand the sheer dint of reading most of us have to do, so no biggie if you add me to the backlog!

The betas got up to chapter 20. Now, to write a few more chapters so I can keep my headstart...blargh...

Heh, I'm probably weird in that I don't have a headstart on my stuff. But, I have posted a couple of chapters on my KoTOR fic. Heh. It is going to be hell if I suddenly feel inspired to write everything I've started. Two ME fics, the curent KoTOR fic I'm working on, and I've got an idea for another ME fic floating around somewhere in the back of my head. I think it's next to the katanas behind the giant floating baby head, but in front of the shrine to ME2.  My head is so cluttered though, that it could be on the ceiling, to the right of the ceiling fan, but east of the sapphire tortoise.

Modifié par Ignis Mors, 05 avril 2013 - 02:38 .

[dpMeggers]

@ Seracen: 8 Chapters! And you had 20 pre-written? *eye twitch* How do you stop yourself from posting right away?

@Ignis, I don't usually have a headstart either - and when I do, it's because I've written a chapter and then decided it's better off in two parts. Stuff goes up when it's done being edited, more or less. Your head sounds like it would make a hell of an apartment.

[Ignis Mors]

dpMeggers wrote...

@ Seracen: 8 Chapters! And you had 20 pre-written? *eye twitch* How do you stop yourself from posting right away?

@Ignis, I don't usually have a headstart either - and when I do, it's because I've written a chapter and then decided it's better off in two parts. Stuff goes up when it's done being edited, more or less. Your head sounds like it would make a hell of an apartment.

It's kinda cool, but I've failed a couple of tests because I got lost in my head when I should have been studying. : (

[enayasoul]

@ Ignis. ) I know the feeling! I was procrasting in doing my assignment for class... so I was writing stuff for my story while trying to motivate myself to finish my homework fast enough. It doesn't work so well if I'm at my homework for more than 3hrs. End up having no time to do anything fun afterwards. So, that didn't really motivate me much.

Other time I played a game first, for a few hours then did my homework. Was somewhat better motivated...

Another time had swtor running leveling my character's crafting while I sat in front of my computer thinking up 7 speech topics for each demonstrative, informative and persuasive. (21 topics and not all the same) My reasoning... I had to basically wait anyways for my characters/npcs to finish anyways. Win, Win for me. haha.


I've been up late some nights writing and having to work then next day. Usually 3 hrs sleep. I did play hookie one day and called off. Went back to bed. heh heh. It would have been boring at work anyways. LOL!

Oh well. The things we do...

[Seracen]

dpMeggers wrote...

@ Seracen: 8 Chapters! And you had 20 pre-written? *eye twitch* How do you stop yourself from posting right away?

@Ignis, I don't usually have a headstart either - and when I do, it's because I've written a chapter and then decided it's better off in two parts. Stuff goes up when it's done being edited, more or less. Your head sounds like it would make a hell of an apartment.

Actually, I have to confess...I don't have 20 Chapters prewritten...

I have 33, the betas only got 20!  

Yeah, I know, I'm a jackass, lol.  Anyways, I did it this way b/c I honestly wasn't sure how my plots would play out until I hit the mission to Feros, which wasn't over until 30.

This is why it took me so long to write those chapters, b/c the various machinations of the baddies were going to bloom during that mission.  As it stands, I've been making adjustments as I've been writing.

It's funny how the writing is still taking a mind of it's own, despite me having outlined the entire story.

But yeah, unless I plan to let a story go defunct (only happened once), I prefer giving myself enough of a lead so I can change and edit as needed.  A lot of this is b/c I don't want to have multiple variants of the same fic out there (I'm one of those guys who constantly edits).

Ah yes, "homework."  We have dismissed this claim...  It does tend to interfere with the creative juices.  I usually take a break every couple of hours during classes to write.  I usually only write in 30-min to hour long intervals then.  I don't go crazy except on my days off.  Yes, I feel your pain, my brothers and sisters.

Modifié par Seracen, 05 avril 2013 - 08:05 .

[Seracen]

Just banged out another 3 chapters! WOOT! Done with Omega for a while...

Just wrote an epic car chase, as an apology for the constant dialogue and politics that will dominate the next 2-3 chapters...

Sadly, I had to edit an OC out of the story.  Too bad, considering I had this awesome backstory and characterization for her.  The crew was growing too large, and she served no real purpose.  Besides, the other characters will mean more if I give her tasks to them.

Anyhoo, I had a question arise from my writing, and wanted to share with the class.

So, IIRC, I believe in one of the ME books, there was rain on Omega. Is this correct? I know it's a station built into a meteor. I figured if any rain happened, perhaps it could be a celestial event.

For example, perhaps an orbiting series of comets stops by regularly, serenading the place with precipitation. Does this sound feasible?

Damn, I need to be up in 6 hours...I should go to sleep...

Modifié par Seracen, 05 avril 2013 - 08:38 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Ok back, although OGryph might have just gotten me addicted to a new game, Anyho just quickly went through the post. Few things

1) My Shepard is a sheepdog with a touch of Jack Russel
2) There is no harm in trying to write whatever sex scene you want. You can never improve in area's you "suck" in if you don't keep practising them. I have done a couple and they are not great but they are not bad either. Although one was hidden behind the fact that one of the two were telling a story and more emphasis was on the telling of the tale rather then what else was happening. (Long story). Oh and the write what you know, doesn't necessarily apply here. Cause fanstasy is always better then the real thing.... this always come to mind on the subject for mature audiences only.
3) I am Female writing a female character and my sexual preference is both.


And has for my own question, does anyone else suffer the beta psychosis: Someone volunteers than you either never hear from them, or they do a chapter or two and disappear or they tell you a bunch of things you did wrong and when you correct them then you never hear from them again, etc etc...

[dpMeggers]

Seracen wrote...

[Actually, I have to confess...I don't have 20 Chapters prewritten...

I have 33, the betas only got 20!  
...
Anyhoo, I had a question arise from my writing, and wanted to share with the class.

So, IIRC, I believe in one of the ME books, there was rain on Omega. Is this correct? I know it's a station built into a meteor. I figured if any rain happened, perhaps it could be a celestial event.

For example, perhaps an orbiting series of comets stops by regularly, serenading the place with precipitation. Does this sound feasible?

I don't know if that makes you a jackass so much as a far more patient person than me.

Or maybe a better planner.

...And clearly you write much faster than me too. Ha! Meh. S'all good, I'm writing again so I'm happy. And I have a lovely sweet chapter before the rampant murder-death starts.

As to your question regarding weather on Omega: if it happens in any of the books it must have been the Deitz one (I've read the others and it definitely didn't happen in them). Even with your idea the 'rain' would wind up striking the outside of the station rather than the inside of it because how would it get inside without exposing the station to vacuum?

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

2) There is no harm in trying to write whatever sex scene you want. You can never improve in area's you "suck" in if you don't keep practising them.  

Please tell me that pun was intended...

Beta psychosis: I get around this problem by not having a beta. Well I had one once, but I stopped writing that story after 3 chapters so...ya.

Modifié par dpMeggers, 05 avril 2013 - 01:52 .

[Spiritwolf1]

dpMeggers wrote...

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

2) There is no harm in trying to write whatever sex scene you want. You can never improve in area's you "suck" in if you don't keep practising them.  

Please tell me that pun was intended...

Beta psychosis: I get around this problem by not having a beta. Well I had one once, but I stopped writing that story after 3 chapters so...ya.

Yes... it was

[Mad-Hamlet]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

2) There is no harm in trying to write whatever sex scene you want. You can never improve in area's you "suck" in if you don't keep practising them.

How to Write a Dirty Story

One of the best damn books on writing in general, much less writing erotica you'll ever find. (Even if some of the writing exercises freak me the hell out)

Modifié par Mad-Hamlet, 05 avril 2013 - 04:00 .

[dpMeggers]

Well if we're posting resource links (and apparently we are today) here are a few I've come across that I've found helpful - especially for lazy and/or clueless writers like me. Lots of tips, links to tips and things to avoid when writing.

Official Writers Club (blog) & WriteWorld Toolbox (also blog)

WriteWorld is a little easier to navigate through but OWC isn't horrible.

And now a question: I'm thinking of re-titleing my fic (because let's be honest - it has an atrocious title). How do people feel about an author re-titling a work in progress? Or should I wait until I've finished it to give it a new name?

[Seracen]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

...
And has for my own question, does anyone else suffer the beta psychosis: Someone volunteers than you either never hear from them, or they do a chapter or two and disappear or they tell you a bunch of things you did wrong and when you correct them then you never hear from them again, etc etc...

Yeah, that sounds similar so some of the random reviews I've gotten.  As far as betas are concerned, I generally only utilize close and trusted friends.  That still sucks though.

@ dpMeggers: thanks for the clarification!  And congrats on the new chapters!

[Ursakar]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...
And has for my own question, does anyone else suffer the beta psychosis: Someone volunteers than you either never hear from them, or they do a chapter or two and disappear or they tell you a bunch of things you did wrong and when you correct them then you never hear from them again, etc etc...

I recently lost two of my betas. However I never had trouble finding new ones. I have my own forum thread on FFN that is dedicated to the discussion of my fic (which is also the reason why haven't commented here for quite some time) and when I asked for new betas, two of my readers volunteered. The best thing is, they are actually quite good.

Also, don't hate me but once again I have an urge to boast - I posted a new chapter less than a day ago and I reached three milestones already:
- story is over 200k words long.
- 300k views
- 800 reviews

[dpMeggers]

If I were to shake your hand, it would be in a very grudging try to crush your fingers while I congratulate you through gritted teeth kind of way.

For the most part, that was a joke. I congratulate and envy your success (without malice).

And now QOTD: How do your main characters take their coffee (or coffee equivalents)? How would they ideally take their coffee?

Modifié par dpMeggers, 05 avril 2013 - 07:35 .