9962 réponses à ce sujet

[CmdrSlander]

Here is the introduction to my story I mentioned above:

A Report on Operation: Acheron
Date Requested: 4/15/2187 (requested by: authent. ID Hackett0491c)
Date Filed: 4/19/2187
Security Level: Black (eyes only)
Filing Agent ID: 0110904 [Working Codename: Lancelot]
FA Affiliation: Special Tactics and Reconnaissance (transferred to Alliance control under Emergency Military Government Executive Order 04 of December the 8th 2186).
Filing Agent Location: SSV Surprise [last know location: outer reaches of the Perseus Veil as of 3/26/2187]
Receiving Officer Location: Received and filed aboard the SSV Vonnegut via the Command/Control frigate SSV Dresden.


-----Begin Report-----


It would of course be easy to declare Operation: Acheron a failure - simply another blunder on the sidelines of a war seemingly won by one person alone. However, the easy path, as you well know, is almost always the incorrect one. By requesting this report you have confirmed my suspicions that you share my belief that Operation: Acheron was in fact a success, though certainly one of a different kind. Despite the cost in personnel and resources, and the failure of the majority of stated Op.: Acheron objectives, the discoveries made by expeditionary force whose exploits are detailed in this report may yet help our galaxy in any number ways which we cannot yet fathom, and in one way that fulfills a very dire need which we are acutely aware of.


Due to the state of galactic communications I am forced to deliver this report in a less than advantageous text only format. In order to increase the informative value of this text I have had my personal VI (serial # 1911A2CCOB27d - called by her familiar name - “Windjammer” from this point on for my convenience) do her utmost to transcribe the various comms intercepts, video feeds, security taps, and hardsuit cam/black box recordings into a highly descriptive narrative format for your perusal.


Additional Note: I am respectfully requesting your permission to pass along all or part of this report to our mutual friend. I feel that her cultural and scientific insights in this matter could prove invaluable. Given her line of work, however, I will understand if you refuse. Although, at this point I cannot guarantee that our mutual friend will not simply acquire the report regardless.


-Lancelot

[fainmaca]

Drussius wrote...

^ Ooooo! You MUST critique my fic when I start posting it. This is the sort of dissection I want!

I think most writers would love this kind of critique. I won't ask for it for mine, though, as forcing someone to go that in-depth on close to a million words would be just cruel.

[lillitheris]

CmdrSlander wrote...

Here is the introduction to my story I mentioned above:

The intro is very good, and does clarify. The dramatization concept is adventurous; I’d probably just have gone with the boring report intro + silent transition into story mode.

I figured you were going for inventors/scientists with the naming convention; it just overlaps with the Carrier convention, which is the kind of thing that I pick up on.

[lillitheris]

Drussius wrote...

^ Ooooo! You MUST critique my fic when I start posting it. This is the sort of dissection I want!

Well, there is only one thing preventing it currently…

[Caligno]

Looking at all the posts on this page hit me with an idea of something I want people's opinions on: In my fic, I described an asari ship and how it's different than the Alliance's frigates. What I'm curious about is whether this would fit and how I could change it if some parts aren't too realistic.

This is the relevant excerpt:

We walked to the nearest public transport, which brought us to the docking bay where Reyna's frigate was waiting. We boarded and I looked around, marveling at the ship's design.

I already knew Asari Ships were built more flat than any other race, but I shook my head at how different the entire design was. The interior was more colorful than any Alliance ship I had ever been on. I had heard that Asari could be part of the crew on a ship for most of their lives in some cases, although I had never really put into thought how that would change the design of their ships.

Reyna caught me looking around and laughed. "This ship is called Thenda Ral. In your language, it roughly translates to 'The All-Seeing One'. Follow me, I'll show you your room for the voyage."

I nodded and followed her as we passed through the various sections of the ship. I recognized most of them, as they appeared to have similar functions of an Alliance ship, although some had innovations I didn't recognize.

We had entered between the cockpit and the CIC, which was slightly larger than the Normandy's. There wasn't a raised section where the Commander gave orders, but instead a single console with a large screen showing the galaxy's various systems on the far wall. There were two entrances outside of the CIC, one on each of the left and right walls between the various crew terminals. I couldn't breathe at the sight of the decorations across the various walls. While the Normandy had a plain blue wall, there were various paintings, patterns, and colors plastered across the walls seemingly at random. I shook my head in disbelief, wondering how I'd ever be able to get used to Alliance ships after this.

I followed Reyna again as she went through the right door, which was a simple hallway that led around the far edge of the CIC to where it met with the other hallway in the middle. There was a small indent at the end with a door. The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation, which led to what appeared to be a mess hall. There were small tables throughout the room, some with various crew members eating and laughing with each other. Every asari we passed saluted at Reyna, which she responded by nodding back to them. I got strange looks soon after we entered the room, with every asari in the room shortly after stopping to stare at me. I ignored them and continued to the other side of the room, following my guide.

The last section we passed through was a hallway with various rooms. One opened near the end with a stretching Asari exiting it. She stepped to the side and saluted as we passed, then gave me the same strange look as the others in the mess hall. I nodded to her and continued. The hallway ended with a small intersection to two more hallways. I assumed at this point that this was where the crew stayed, which surprised me. The Alliance had sleeping pods for the various crew and non-commanding ground team, but it appeared everyone had a room on this ship.

We went to the right side and stopped when we reached the last room in this hallway. I assumed the turn we would have taken would have met with the other hallway and led to the drive core or the medical bay.

On a different note, just reading through this again is making me want to completely redo how the sentences are structured.  Reading other people's work in a critical sense really showed me my own failings.

Modifié par Caligno, 29 juin 2012 - 09:59 .

[Drussius]

I don't have a problem with your sentence structure. But perhaps that's because my sentence structure is similar. I like your take on Asari ships. While I pictured them as a bit more spasely decorated, I did include comments about little comforts on their vessels in my own story. Although one little thing I might point out:

The codex says that Asari often prefer shared living spaces even if separate rooms are available. I would guess that they wouldn't build their vessels with separate rooms for each crew member except for perhaps the command personnel. At least that's how I worked it for my own fic.

Modifié par Drussius, 29 juin 2012 - 09:58 .

[hot_heart]

Definitely gonna take some time to read some more fics now I've sort of got my story squared away. I just got so busy that I couldn't ever commit to a proper critique.

I like your little excerpt, Caligno. It's always nice to see how people describe surroundings as that's something with which I feel I struggle. I do think some of the sentences could be a little 'cleaner'.

e.g. 'The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation' is almost a tautology. Could possibly be 'Without breaking her step, the asari...'

I may have a proper look later. Though, while I think of it, do most of you capitalise species names? My instinct was to, but the games don't, and I guess it does look odd when you start putting 'the Human' rather than 'the human'.

[lillitheris]

Caligno wrote...

Looking at all the posts on this page hit me with an idea of something I want people's opinions on: In my fic, I described an asari ship and how it's different than the Alliance's frigates. What I'm curious about is whether this would fit and how I could change it if some parts aren't too realistic.

It’s not really unrealistic…I’d take Drussius’ note on the shared spaces, and personally it feels maybe a touch too elaborate for a military ship. Nothing credibility-stretching though, and I’m glad you’re taking the time to explore the ship. My description of the Destiny Ascension basically boils down to ‘it’s big’.

A couple notes since you’re talking about sentence structure, which I don’t find a huge problem.

We walked to the nearest public transport, which brought us to the docking bay where Reyna's frigate was waiting. We boarded and I looked around, marveling at the ship's design.

I already knew Asari Ships were built more flat than any other race, but I shook my head at how different the entire design was. The interior was more colorful than any Alliance ship I had ever been on. I had heard that Asari could be part of the crew on a ship for most of their lives in some cases, although I had never really put into thought how that would change the design of their ships.

I might reserve ‘design’ mainly for the outside and the large structural features. What does ‘more flat’ mean — should this also be from an outside perspective?

We had entered between the cockpit and the CIC, which was slightly larger than the Normandy's.

Entered through (an airlock), perhaps?

I couldn't breathe at the sight of the decorations across the various walls. While the Normandy had a plain blue wall, there were various paintings, patterns, and colors plastered across the walls seemingly at random. I shook my head in disbelief, wondering how I'd ever be able to get used to Alliance ships after this.

This seems a little excessive if they’re merely decorative items.

I followed Reyna again as she went through the right door, which was a simple hallway that led around the far edge of the CIC to where it met with the other hallway in the middle.

This is the first issue with ‘which’. The door isn’t a hallway.

The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation, which led to what appeared to be a mess hall.

The lack of hesitation led to a mess hall?

There were small tables throughout the room, some with various crew members eating and laughing with each other.

But not talking?

Every asari we passed saluted at Reyna, which she responded by nodding back to them.

Salute, not salute at. Another misuse of ‘which’.

I got strange looks soon after we entered the room, with every asari in the room shortly after stopping to stare at me.

This is the only sentence that really needs a complete restructure.

The last section we passed through was a hallway with various rooms. One opened near the end with a stretching Asari exiting it. She stepped to the side and saluted as we passed, then gave me the same strange look as the others in the mess hall.

I’d combine the stretching description to the sidestep. Also, strange look? They haven’t seen a human (?) before?

…

Overall I think it works fine (edit: and the story seems promising), but from this read, I’d say you should review every use of ‘which’ in your writing.

Edit: and yeah, species should be lowercase, I think.

Modifié par lillitheris, 29 juin 2012 - 10:29 .

[Caligno]

I know, that's the type of thing I was talking about. I seriously have trouble looking at my fic now because of it.

 EDIT:

[quote]lillitheris wrote...
[quote]I got strange looks soon after we entered the room, with every asari in the room shortly after stopping to stare at me.[/quote]
This is the only sentence that really needs a complete restructure.[/quote]

LOL 

Thanks for pointing that out, the way it's worded got a really good laugh out of me.[/quote]

Modifié par Caligno, 29 juin 2012 - 10:28 .

[fluffywalrus]

hot_heart wrote...

Definitely gonna take some time to read some more fics now I've sort of got my story squared away. I just got so busy that I couldn't ever commit to a proper critique.

I like your little excerpt, Caligno. It's always nice to see how people describe surroundings as that's something with which I feel I struggle. I do think some of the sentences could be a little 'cleaner'.

e.g. 'The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation' is almost a tautology. Could possibly be 'Without breaking her step, the asari...'

I may have a proper look later. Though, while I think of it, do most of you capitalise species names? My instinct was to, but the games don't, and I guess it does look odd when you start putting 'the Human' rather than 'the human'.

I don't think capitalization is necessary for species. I admit, I might do it in the future by habit or something, but I don't think it really matters.

[lillitheris]

hot_heart wrote...

Definitely gonna take some time to read some more fics now I've sort of got my story squared away. I just got so busy that I couldn't ever commit to a proper critique.

I’d love it if you can make it through “Unity”! It’s even got some Miranda in it… *dangles carrot*

[Drussius]

fluffywalrus wrote...

hot_heart wrote...

Definitely gonna take some time to read some more fics now I've sort of got my story squared away. I just got so busy that I couldn't ever commit to a proper critique.

I like your little excerpt, Caligno. It's always nice to see how people describe surroundings as that's something with which I feel I struggle. I do think some of the sentences could be a little 'cleaner'.

e.g. 'The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation' is almost a tautology. Could possibly be 'Without breaking her step, the asari...'

I may have a proper look later. Though, while I think of it, do most of you capitalise species names? My instinct was to, but the games don't, and I guess it does look odd when you start putting 'the Human' rather than 'the human'.

I don't think capitalization is necessary for species. I admit, I might do it in the future by habit or something, but I don't think it really matters.

I'm apparently an anti-human racist. Humans don't get capitalization in my writing, but every other race does.

[Caligno]

I tend to be really inconsistent with capitalizing species. I can't even describe in words the way I decide whether to do it or not.

EDIT: @Lillitheris: Yeah, I'm making a bunch of changes before I go further, partially because the first three chapters are a blight and partially because I understand a lot more now than I did a couple months ago and seeing those mistakes bugs me enough that I don't want to read it at all right now.

EDIT2: I just got my second good laugh of the day. I'm going through one of my remade sections and I came across this gem: "...clenching my eyes shut and exhaling slowly to help calm his nerves."

Modifié par Caligno, 29 juin 2012 - 10:44 .

[noxiuniversitas1]

hot_heart wrote...

Definitely gonna take some time to read some more fics now I've sort of got my story squared away. I just got so busy that I couldn't ever commit to a proper critique.

I like your little excerpt, Caligno. It's always nice to see how people describe surroundings as that's something with which I feel I struggle. I do think some of the sentences could be a little 'cleaner'.

e.g. 'The asari didn't even stop and opened the door without hesitation' is almost a tautology. Could possibly be 'Without breaking her step, the asari...'

I may have a proper look later. Though, while I think of it, do most of you capitalise species names? My instinct was to, but the games don't, and I guess it does look odd when you start putting 'the Human' rather than 'the human'.

Ah, been meaning to get to your last chapter ever since I got that alert - sorry, it's been a bit manic.

On the capitalisation of species - I don't think it's necessary. In taxonomy, species names are not captalised (although the genus is). This is reflected in everyday communication, where "human" is almost never capitalised. I think the codex also refrains from capitalising "asari", "turian" etc.

[hot_heart]

lillitheris wrote...
I’d love it if you can make it through “Unity”! It’s even got some Miranda in it… *dangles carrot*

Oh dear, that looks like a gargantuan task.

I do recall advising you on a little Miranda appearance (essentially, I think maybe she appeared too 'open'?), and I really liked the drunken scene even if it felt a bit odd for her (I hope I have the right fic here...). I had been checking in occasionally to see if she reappeared but found no luck.

No promises I'll get to it, but I'll try!

[lillitheris]

hot_heart wrote...

lillitheris wrote...
I’d love it if you can make it through “Unity”! It’s even got some Miranda in it… *dangles carrot*

Oh dear, that looks like a gargantuan task.

I do recall advising you on a little Miranda appearance (essentially, I think maybe she appeared too 'open'?), and I really liked the drunken scene even if it felt a bit odd for her (I hope I have the right fic here...). I had been checking in occasionally to see if she reappeared but found no luck.

Ah yes! I actually plotted her back story (for post-ME2 events) slightly more, thanks to your comments. I think it might be a little long for a one-shot, but maybe something like 3 chapters. There is a little bit that I added after that scene, by the way, but only very little…and I am actually writing Miri right now.

Well, I was, about 5 minutes ago.

Hmm, boozy carrots…

Modifié par lillitheris, 29 juin 2012 - 01:49 .

[lillitheris]

Actually, ^ reminds me of the thing I meant to expand on later (or maybe did, I forget):

At 75k words, “Unity” may appear really long, but…I don’t think it is. Maybe 3-4 nights of reading?

The appearance is the tricky part, though, I’m sure it can be a turnoff or cause for delaying getting into it whereas one-shots are ‘easy’ to consume — although to be fair, I’m sure many also prefer seeing a more expansive, long-lived story.

Aanyway, that’s why I was thinking about structuring the reunion chapter so that it’s mostly self-contained: I’ll be able to ‘advertise’ it as something that can be read as a one-shot, and maybe a few people will be interested enough to start reading the whole thing.

Modifié par lillitheris, 29 juin 2012 - 02:01 .

[Ursakar]

I capitalize only the Reapers and the Collectors. I capitalized the protheans a couple of times but I'm thinking about going back and editing those instances.

[fainmaca]

I always capitalise the races. I reckon that its up to the writer what they do there, as long as they are consistent.

[CmdrSlander]

Here's another excerpt from Operation: Acheron:
(http://social.biowar...12858136-1.html)


Cooper brushed past the Lieutenant Commander and continued to the raised platform facing the galaxy map, authoritatively grasping the railing at the end of the platform. A holographic projection of Thessia appeared, the planet seemed largely unmolested, but its larger cities were marked by plumes of smoke and blazes of orange. Cooper had seen it on 12 different colonies, it had begun, and there was no hope for anyone down there now. The Tesla needed to get in, complete her mission (whatever it was), and hit the relay before Space Cthulhu and friends realized they were there in the first place.


Cooper looked at the communications tech standing to one side of the galaxy map.


“Comms?” He demanded.


“Open, Sir!” The tech replied with a slight tremble in his voice.


“Marconi, Faraday, this is Tesla Actual, we are breaking orbit, bleed off any excess heat or rads into the ionosphere, you’ve got my clearance to ignore the regs about doing it on garden worlds, the squid-heads have bigger problems today. I want everything loaded, master arm on! Buckle up, polarize your bow plating and follow us in.”


A chorus of “affirmatives” and “aye ayes” echoed from within the CIC and over the comm.


The SSV Nikola Tesla’s thrusters fired and knocked her out of a stable orbit, the Marconi and Faraday followed suit. The Tesla and her sisters nosed downward attaining the perfect angle to penetrate the atmosphere at the highest possible speed without burning up or skipping off. Thanks to Mass Effect fields, inertial dampeners, and some tech “borrowed” from the Turians this was a fairly steep angle, a fairly exhilarating angle. The Tesla and the other corvettes plummeted towards the planet. When the Tesla broke atmo the entire ship was quickly wrapped in a blanket of flaming plasma as the heat coming off her hull ionized the particles around them, leaving a trail of fire, and as a result of radiation and thermal bleeding, an Aurora behind them. The Tesla’s pilot and flight engineer, Flight Lieutenant Gwendolyn Price, began reading off their altitude moments later:


“70 Kilometers.”


“50 Kilometers.”


The Reapers will be focusing on the major centers, should be a trouble free insertion.

Modifié par CmdrSlander, 29 juin 2012 - 03:48 .

[Spiritwolf1]

I've marked a few of the stories in here in my fave file on Fan fic... I go back to work tomorrow and if its a slow day I will start to read them. I read High class Hostage by FortyFourReasons which is absolutely amazing and the only complaint I have about that is the cliff hanger ending it left. And I have read Endless Bindings by Jayden Scott which is well done as well. I have two more that I have slated to read and I think both writers are from here; Dark Energy by Melaradark and Mass Efffect 4: Unity by Askwa... Ill let you know what I think when I'm done. Love the stuf I have read so far though.

[hot_heart]

Ursakar wrote...
I capitalize only the Reapers and the Collectors. I capitalized the protheans a couple of times but I'm thinking about going back and editing those instances.

Good point actually. As far as I can recall, that is consistent with the game. They capitalise Reapers, Collectors and Protheans presumably because they are not a 'recognised' sort of species. There's probably a better term for it, but I am tired from work... <_<

fainmaca wrote...
I always capitalise the races. I reckon that its up to the writer what they do there, as long as they are consistent.

Yeah. Just to clarfiy, I don't actually have a problem as long as it's consistent. There are plenty of style and language differences across writers that are far more noticeable and easily reconcilable.

Modifié par hot_heart, 29 juin 2012 - 03:57 .

[dpMeggers]

hot_heart wrote...

Ursakar wrote...
I capitalize only the Reapers and the Collectors. I capitalized the protheans a couple of times but I'm thinking about going back and editing those instances.

Good point actually. As far as I can recall, that is consistent with the game. They capitalise Reapers, Collectors and Protheans presumably because they are not a 'recognised' sort of species. There's probably a better term for it, but I am tired from work... <_<

Semi-mythical? Special?

Lord I go to sleep and wake up to almost two full pages to read through.

@lili I also notice lore-breaking things (and they break immersion for me) like ship names and locations etc. I have a fic I'm reading in which Shepard drinks ryncol pre-ME1 which drove me a little nutty - being as how it's supposed to 'hit aliens like ground glass' and Shep wasn't a cyborg yet. I forgave the fic b/c it was incredibly funny (Shep's out of his bloody mind) and it's a fairly minor point. (Actually I'm going to go so far as to recommend giving it a shot. It's written as Shepard's log with Anderson's commentary as footnotes. And I Was Having Such a Nice Day )

I should say here that I also have a really hard time reading AUs. I don't know if that's because I'm a very concrete/literal thinker but when I read them my brain really runs 'But that's not what happened. This isn't how it happened. That's wrong' etc.

Which leads to the question of the day: Does anyone else have this problem? Or is a well-written AU enough?

[Spiritwolf1]

Personally I like a well written AU. I don;t have a long lived memory unless something really stuck out for me. I don't go running to cannon to comfirm everything, if the story is nice enough that I can overlook a few things then that is fine. Everyone one interprets things differently and in Fan Fic I don't see why they can not embelish that

[CmdrSlander]

dpMeggers wrote...

hot_heart wrote...

Ursakar wrote...
I capitalize only the Reapers and the Collectors. I capitalized the protheans a couple of times but I'm thinking about going back and editing those instances.

Good point actually. As far as I can recall, that is consistent with the game. They capitalise Reapers, Collectors and Protheans presumably because they are not a 'recognised' sort of species. There's probably a better term for it, but I am tired from work... <_<

Semi-mythical? Special?

Lord I go to sleep and wake up to almost two full pages to read through.

@lili I also notice lore-breaking things (and they break immersion for me) like ship names and locations etc. I have a fic I'm reading in which Shepard drinks ryncol pre-ME1 which drove me a little nutty - being as how it's supposed to 'hit aliens like ground glass' and Shep wasn't a cyborg yet. I forgave the fic b/c it was incredibly funny (Shep's out of his bloody mind) and it's a fairly minor point. (Actually I'm going to go so far as to recommend giving it a shot. It's written as Shepard's log with Anderson's commentary as footnotes. And I Was Having Such a Nice Day )

I should say here that I also have a really hard time reading AUs. I don't know if that's because I'm a very concrete/literal thinker but when I read them my brain really runs 'But that's not what happened. This isn't how it happened. That's wrong' etc.

Which leads to the question of the day: Does anyone else have this problem? Or is a well-written AU enough?

I'm fairly new around here, what do you think of my stuff ? (excerpts posted in the midde and bottom of the page before this as well as the top and middle of this page)

Thanks.