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[BaronWhitey]

 Here’s my version of the ME3 endings, tabletop RPG style,now with a (brief) extended cut version. No offense is intended to any - I hope you all enjoy.
Game Master (GM): Okay, so you’ve just defeated Cerberus and saved the Council and the Citadel. What do you do now?
Shepard (in nerdy voice): We Greyhawk the room. We search for treasure, cred-sticks, and secret doors.
Garrus (rolls eye-stalks): Geez, Shep. This isn’t D&D – stop it.
Liara: Agreed. It wasn’t funny the first time you said, and it hasn’t been funny any of the three million times since.
GM (consults map): Umm, actually, Shepard, you find a secret door.
Shepard: Boo-Yeah!
Everyone else: Seriously? WTF?
Shepard: Kasumi, check the secret door for traps.
Kasumi: You know, I’m really not that kind of-
Shepard: I pull my sword and get ready to charge.
GM: You don’t have a sword.
Shepard: Oh yeah, right. I power up my omni-blade and get ready to charge. 
GM (to Kasumi): The door isn’t trapped.
Kasumi: I didn’t actually-
Shepard: I kick the door open and rush in. What do I find? Treasure? I want a magic sword and a bag of gold.
GM: There are three levers on the wall: one blue, one red, one green. A translucent star-child appears to tell you more about the levers. 
(Post Extended Cut version)
Shepard: I stab him with my omni-blade!
GM: I see. Okay, you lose, the Reapers win, thanks for playing. 
(Pre Extended Cut version)
Shepard: I stab him with my Omni-blade!
GM: He ignores it. He tells you that the Reapers built this facility, and that if you pull any of the levers, you will die. 
Shepard: Bummer. 
GM: But, if you pull the Blue lever, you will be able to control the Reapers. If you pull the Red lever, you can destroy the Reapers, as well as all other synthetic life in the galaxy.
EDI: Not good.
Garrus: Wait, so Harbinger put a self-destruct button in his own stronghold? Seriously? Doesn’t this dude watch old James Bond films? 
GM: But the middle button is Green, the color of life and spring and Wrigley’s spearmint chewing gum. The star child says that you should pull that lever, because if you do everyone will live ever after in peace and harmony.
Shepard (to Tali): I got your lever of life right here, baby! (Gestures at own crotch). 
Tali: Grow up.
Shepard: She wants me. 
EDI: What about that synthesis option? Sounds good to me.
Liara: Isn’t that what the Reapers are already doing? I mean, aren’t they taking people and making them into ships? That sounds like synthesis to me. I’ll ask the Star Child if that’s what he means.
GM: You, umm, can’t ask the Star Child any questions. 
All others: Whaat!? 
Shepard: Whatever, let’s do what we came here to do. (To EDI) Go pull the red lever.
EDI: What?
Shepard: Whoever pulls the lever dies, right? But pulling red’s gonna kill you anyway, so let’s do that and get it over with. We gotta kill the Reapers. 
GM: Remember Shep, you’re mostly synthetic now, too. This could kill you. 
Shepard: I got more lives than a cat. (To EDI) Do it now! That’s an order. 
EDI: I’m not doing that.
Kaiden (To EDI): Let me handle this. (To GM) I use my biotics to pull the red lever. That way, I can pull the lever and stay alive. Boo-Yeah!

Shepard and Kaiden high-five across the table. 
GM: Umm, biotics don’t work here.
Garrus: Yeah, whatever. I’ll shoot it with my sniper rifle from all the way over here.
GM: Sniper rifles don’t work. You’ll need to use a short range weapon, like a pistol.
Liara (to GM): You’re kidding, right? Did you put any thought into this ending?
Kaiden (to Liara): Let me handle this. (To GM) I use my biotics to fling EDI into the red lever. 
EDI: Hey!
GM: I already told you, biotics don’t work here.
Kaiden: Damnit! I got nothing else. Why’d you make this stupid room if I can’t do anything in it?
GM: You could pull a lever.
Kaiden: Shyah, right. I saw what happened to Ashley on Virmire. Coulda been me. 
Shepard: Pft! Fine, I walk over and pull the red lever. I’ve probably lived through worse. 
GM: Okay, you pull the red lever. Red-colored energy floods the room, then the Citadel, then the system. Every Reaper dies. Then, the Mass Relay system transfers the red energy to every other system in the galaxy. All the Reapers die. And so do all the Geth, and EDI. Oh, except that Shepard doesn’t actually die.
Shepard: Boo-Yeah, Baby!
EDI: Wait, I-ACK! 
GM: Congrats everyone, that’s a wrap. 
Garrus: Kind of anticlimactic, don’t you think?
GM: Sorry?
Garrus: I mean, all we had to do was find these levers and pull one? 
GM: Yep. 
Garrus: And how many cycles have there been? A hundred thousand?
GM: Yep.
Garrus: And none of them found this secret room before?
GM: Ummm...no.
Garrus: So the Reapers killed like a Trillion Quadrillion people and a couple hundred thousand galaxy spanning empires because no one else bothered to look for a secret door?
GM: Umm, yes.
Garrus (to Shepard): Boo-yeah baby! Way to look for secret doors, homes! (Garrus and Shepard high-five).

[BazookaDre]

You sir win the internet tonight.